Offensive Wedding Guest (Long)

sarilynnep · March 2011

Ok, so here is my fun dilemma of the week-

My mother doesn't have a lot of friends, but the one person she does hang out with as this lady who no one in my family can stand (including me and my FI). She is extremely loud, and VERY offesive and rude. For example, she is extremely religious- to the point that she told my fiance that he is going to hell (non practicing catholic...) and gave him all these religious books to read. At my college graduation dinner in front of everyone. Yeah. I was mortified. She also tends to go off about how much she hates democrats and how the world is going to end in 2013 because a certain self described 'prophet' on tv told her so.

Even at my grandfather's funeral she upset my aunt horribly, and was trying to give away flowers that the church had purchased for my family to random people at the funeral. She got kicked out of the church because she offended the congregation so much (and this is a very loving church and they have never done that).

So there is no way my FI and I want her at the wedding. Period. She is an embarrassment and we don't need her upsetting us or our guests.

Here is the problem- my mother is crying to me to make me invite her. She says she will pay for her friend (and her equally awful husband) to attend. I informed my mom over and over that its not just about money, but that I can't sit her and her husband with anyone. My mother has a lot of issues mentally, and simply can't be told no. She went into a hysterical fit.

I really love my mom, but I just don't know what to say to her. My mom already told my aunt that if I don't invite this lady then my mom is going to bring her anyways- which simply can't happen at my plated dinner reception. However, I believe mom has already invited her.

What do you guys think? Should we just suck it up and invite her and her husband? Or should we not send an invite and tell mom to under no circumstances should she bring her? And hope she honors our wishes? My mom isn't stable mentally, so I don't know what she'll do if we don't send this 'friend' an invite. However, this lady can also make my mother's condition worse, which I don't need at my wedding.

carcrashheart · March 2011

Ugh. If your Mom is helping with the cost of the wedding/reception then I would go ahead and invite her. If she isn't helping with the costs, I still probably would invite her. I would also speak with the venue to find out what their policy is on having someone removed from the event, should it be necessary, and then let your Mom know that if her friend even TOES the line that you will have her removed so that she cannot cause a scene or ruin the reception.

I actually had to speak with our venue about doing the same thing. They offered to have a police officer on staff, but we ended up declining a few weeks prior. When we did that they let us know that they would keep an eye on the reception and just to let them know if there was an issue and they would remove people themselves. Nothing ended up happening, but it was comforting to know that all I had to do was say so incase something had happened.

jlbaxter33 · March 2011

What a horrible situation!

I personally, would try my hardest to stick to my guns and not invite her. If there is no way around it, which may be the case. I'd let your Mom bring her as a guest and then have your Mom deal with this woman. Regardless, don't let it ruin your day!

lindsayzeleznik · March 2011

Agh - Sounds like a tough situation. Could you compromise with your mom and offer to invite her to the bridal shower but not the ceremony/reception?

Ultimately it is your day. And you shouldn't have to worry about a guest being out of line and you especially don't want your mom to have a crisis on your wedding day.

Does your mom see a therapist/counselor? Could you all meet so that maybe yor mom could better understand why you don't want her friend there?

cgyvhu · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_offensive-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:116Discussion:a27cdc4c-886c-4105-9259-ec6c14b43b28Post:3b172df0-5e97-4d4a-8cca-3221d1b107a9">Re: Offensive Wedding Guest (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Agh - Sounds like a tough situation. <strong>Could you compromise with your mom and offer to invite her to the bridal shower but not the ceremony/reception?</strong> Ultimately it is your day. And you shouldn't have to worry about a guest being out of line and you especially don't want your mom to have a crisis on your wedding day. Does your mom see a therapist/counselor? Could you all meet so that maybe yor mom could better understand why you don't want her friend there?
Posted by lindsayzeleznik[/QUOTE]

<div>In general, it's considered poor etiquette to invite anyone to a pre-wedding party but not to the ceremony/reception. Inviting her to that event might just end up confusing her/your mom and make it harder for you.</div><div>
</div><div>Sounds like a shitty situation. I think lindsay's therapist advice is good if your mom is seeing one. I think if you are having a big wedding, I would just let her and her husband come - you probably won't notice her. You tell your mom that this guest is her responsibility and make sure DJs and stuff don't let her get near a mic.</div><div>
</div><div>I see why you don't want to invite her, but between your mom becoming hysterical and you having to worry about her possibly showing up uninvited, not inviting her might become more stressful to you.</div>

carcrashheart · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-pittsburgh_offensive-wedding-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:116Discussion:a27cdc4c-886c-4105-9259-ec6c14b43b28Post:c8cb808d-bc13-46ab-a4e4-7daf6f9d41ad">Re: Offensive Wedding Guest (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Offensive Wedding Guest (Long) : <strong>In general, it's considered poor etiquette to invite anyone to a pre-wedding party but not to the ceremony/reception. </strong> Inviting her to that event might just end up confusing her/your mom and make it harder for you. Sounds like a shitty situation. I think lindsay's therapist advice is good if your mom is seeing one. I think if you are having a big wedding, I would just let her and her husband come - you probably won't notice her. You tell your mom that this guest is her responsibility and make sure DJs and stuff don't let her get near a mic. I see why you don't want to invite her, but between your mom becoming hysterical and you having to worry about her possibly showing up uninvited, <strong>not inviting her might become more stressful to you.
</strong>Posted by mdphd[/QUOTE]

I very much agree with both of these. You should never invite someone to a shower or bachelorette party that isn't on the wedding guest list. It's rude. And not inviting her might end up being more stressful, which is exactly why I suggested just inviting her but making sure you have backup incase she starts to so much as look at anyone funny.

pantherRN · March 2011

I have to agree with CCH. Invite her, let the reception staff know, and make sure it is very clear to your mother that no inappropriate behavior will be tolerated.

If she is as crazy as you say, are you sure she'll even come?

gmc22 · March 2011

Yikes... I really don't even know what to say here. I, personally, would probably do everything in my power to not have her there (as jl said) - but if it causes a bigger issue NOT inviting her, then I would definitely go with CCHs advice and speak with your venue about the possibility of removing someone from the event if need be. And make sure you make it perfectly clear to your mother that ANY inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated and you will have staff on had to remove her if it gets to that.

I also agree with the therapy comment. Perhaps you can talk through the issues with a 'mediator' or therapist in place?

sarilynnep · March 2011

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for all the advice, it really is helpful :-)

First, I would LOVE to sit with my mom and a therapist. For numerous reasons. However, mom moves from therapists and pschiatrists all the time. She floats between them and she keeps who she goes to a secret (if she even goes).

Second, we are really cutting down our guest list (trying to keep it to 100, but will invite a few more). This lady WILL be noticed unfortunately. And we are prob going to cut out some other people we do want there.

Third, since my mom isn't in the right capacity, she can't control this woman. In fact, she really doesn't see just how nuts this lady is. And what's worse, it is like this lady is always whispering my moms ear and controlling her.

For example- she talked to my mom the day we went dress shopping. Mom is paying for my wedding gown- she has always wanted to and offered to do this years ago. Mom set a certain budget that she estimated a lonnnggg time ago and that we had discussed on several occassions. After talking to this 'friend' mom all the sudden changed the budget by dropping it by over a grand- she did this AT the bridal salon the day of. She didn't tell me before hand. And she did this because this friend told her what SHE the budget should be. My aunt and cousin were furious and very hurt for me. Thankfully, I found one I loved that was within budget. But all day my mom kept talking about money. It really ruined my dress shopping. My mom had orginally planned $5K on everything. Now she doesn't even want to spend over $50 on shoes. In a sense, this lady has already stolen something important for me. It wasn't about the money, it was the fact that mom didn't even enjoy dress shopping with her only child because this lady stressed her out so much.

So with that said, I have no doubt she will do this at the wedding. And my FI said the same thing. His biggest concern is that mom will not only get worse because of her, but that on the day of she will show up with mom when I am getting ready. Which yes, I would have her kicked out in a heartbeat.

I really really just don't know if there is a way to stop her from showing up. She WANTS to come to the wedding really bad, and she is already coming to the bridal shower my mom is putting together, because mom invited her. I have no control over that apparently. At all. In fact, mom is inviting a ton of people I don't know and will NOT be inviting to the wedding. I have argued about this with my mom and she just says that those people know they aren't invited to the wedding. I still feel its rude. Period. I don't even know these people.

I thought maybe I should just tell the lady myself at the shower that we are keeping the wedding just to close friends and family. No one else. Maybe then she would get it? If she throws a fit (75% chance she will) then I guess I have more reason not to let her come to the wedding.

sarilynnep · March 2011

Sorry that was so long guys. I'm just stressed about this, as this could truly ruin our wedding day. We have to worry about mom as it is, with this added it's just a disaster.

lindsayzeleznik · March 2011

Sorry about the shower comment - Was just trying to think of a compromise!

hellopals · March 2011

Since you have a good while until your wedding, you might want to redirect this topic of conversation when your mother brings it up. It's a great source of tension for you and for her and there's no sense in spending the next 11 months arguing about this.

In the meantime, perhaps you'd be able to organize a therapist for your mother and you. You might try the approach that you'd like her to do this with you and for you rather than her do it alone or just for herself (even though it would be, it's more about the phrasing).

I feel for you as I have a similar situation with my mother and her boyfriend. For all kinds of reasons that don't belong on the internet, he will not be invited to our wedding. I have not officially told my mother this because I don't want to spend the next 7 months fighting about it. Also, she is in treatment right now and I am hoping she will come to the same conclusion the rest of her family has and tell him to F off forever and then I won't have to fight that battle.

CLW102409 · March 2011

I am sorry that this is a crappy situation to have to go through. I really have no good advice to give you but in my experience, my mother wanted me to invite people that I haven't talked to in YEARS (like 20 or so) and I just couldn't do it. Did it break her heart, yes, but my parents weren't the ones paying for our wedding and it was more important for DH and I to have our friends at our wedding as oppose to my parents' friends attend, after I explained that to my mom, she understood and dropped it. With that said, my sister, who was also my MOH and her 3 kids were FG's and a RB, HAD a significant other, baby daddy, he's a POS, worthless human being, and I was adament about not inviting him, but for the kids sake and a little arm twisting from my mom, I invited him *sigh*. He, somewhat, behaved himself and him being there didn't ruin my day at all.

sarilynnep · March 2011

Hey everyone,

Thanks again for just listening to me and all the advice. I really do appreciate it.

I set a message to my mom's sister, just to get her feedback as well. Hopefully the two of us together can talk to mom. Like I said, I would love to sit in therapy with my mom, but I've been trying to get that to happen for 12 + years. So thats a no go. Maybe with the support of the rest of the family we can tell my mom nicely.

At the very least, I agree with pp that I should alert the venue. Maybe I can have the venue not let anyone in who is not on the list. And I will certainly know ahead of the wedding if she is there. So someone in our family or wedding party can give Carnegie (our reception venue) a heads up.

LilyWater09 · March 2011

Sorry you have this horrible situation. If it was me, I would make a trip to my mothers house when this lady is present, with my FI. I would tell both of them in a nice way that you dont want that lady there because (even though you dont think she means to) her comments have been interpreted by you as offensive, as well as other people in the family. Tell her that you understand she means well, but for the greater good of your reception, you would rather not take the chance. Apologize to your mom and this lady if this hurts their feelings, but state you hope they can understand and support you in your decision.

kristenrmu22 · March 2011

My future mother in law is very similar to your mom. I don't know the degree of your moms state. But my FMIL is very fragile. My Fi didn't want the mom there because he gets stressed out over her so I can sorta kinda understand where you are coming from.

My two cents, since the therapist is a no go.. def lean on your aunt and other family members to help you through this. I know FMIL's sister are a great deal of support for us. She always takes news better from them then from FI. It seems your mom has already talked to your aunt about this so that is a great way to get help. You made a great first move asking your aunts feedback. See how your mom takes this information from other family members. If there is still no getting it (from your mom) go with plan B. Must be on the guest list which you mentioned above. I would even tell the lady "casually" that there will be a guest list at the door for admittance since there will be a seated dinner, he event is for close family and friends, etc. She MIGHT (and I say that loosely) get the point that if she doesn't get an invite she isn't welcome and they will catch her at the door if she isn't on the list...if she makes a scene it will be away from the guests inside.

Try not to stress. Family can be a great help.....

Lastly, IF this is all a no go and you HAVE to invite the friend...alter as many friends and family members of her behavor to help save them from any hurt feelings. If they expect this from her and that this is your mothers friend then it may make it a bit easier for them if she did make a crazy comment.

Offensive Wedding Guest (Long)

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