How to invite coworkers to ceremony?

ashlifive · August 2012

I am a teacher so I have lots of teacher friends and unfortunately cannot invite them to my reception. I am having a church ceremony and I would like to extend an invite to my coworkers to attend. I don't want to give each one an invitiation because of the cost and also I don't want anyone to feel excluded. How should I go about extending the invite?

midgetthemighty · August 2012

You don't unless you can invite them to the reception as well. Weddings are one event.

crash2729 · August 2012

In Response to Re:How to invite coworkers to ceremony?:[QUOTE]I am a teacher so I have lots of teacher friends and unfortunately cannot invite them to my reception.nbsp; I am having a church ceremony and I would like to extend an invite to my coworkers to attend.nbsp; I don't want to give each one an invitiation because of the cost and also I don't want anyone to feel excluded.nbsp; How should I go about extending the invite? Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]
You can't invite them to the ceremony and not the reception.

kmmssg · August 2012

Ditto Edie - you need to either invite them to the whole thing or nothing. While I'm sure it isn't your intention at all, it send the message "come to the wedding and bring a gift, but I'm not paying to feed you and entertain you".

I think every couple on the planet has to make painful cuts and omissions to their guest list and that is where you guys are right now. It is perfectly acceptable to not invite these people, but it would be quite insulting to just invite them to the ceremony only.

ashlifive · August 2012

Well, I understand your point of view and I see how it can be rude...

However, I live in NJ...and a lot of times people go to the ceremony at a church. They do not bring gifts and are not expected to. I wouldn't want to offend anyone by just inviting them to the ceremony but I think they would be offended if I didn't.

crash2729 · August 2012

In Response to Re:How to invite coworkers to ceremony?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony?:Well, I understand your point of view and I see how it can be rude... However, I live in NJ...and a lot of times people go to the ceremony at a church.nbsp; They do not bring gifts and are not expected to.nbsp; I wouldn't want to offend anyone by just inviting them to the ceremony but I think they would be offended if I didn't.Posted by ashlifivei think it's fine if they show up of their own volition, but I would not specifically invite them to just the ceremony. Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
This.

hoffse · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-invite-coworkers-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21f02347-ab19-442c-b5f2-81e9c61ef4c5Post:133db1d6-5d6d-42c8-a7f2-8067465bf879">Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I understand your point of view and I see how it can be rude... However, I live in NJ...and a lot of times people go to the ceremony at a church. They do not bring gifts and are not expected to. I wouldn't want to offend anyone by just inviting them to the ceremony but I think they would be offended if I didn't.
Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]

<div>Living in NJ doesn't make it non-offensive. If people just show up to your ceremony at the church because it's announced in the church bulletin that's one thing. Churches are public spaces. But specifically inviting people to one part and not the other is very very rude.</div>

Meegles4 · August 2012

When you say "sometimes people just go to the ceremony at a church" do you mean people in general, or members of said church?

In some regions, the entire church is invited to the ceremony. The wedding is announced in the church bulletin and any member can choose to come. This is OK and understood that they're not really invited to the reception. On the flip side, I would think it was kind of weird if general people -- like my coworkers -- just showed up at my wedding ceremony without an express invitation. I also think it's weird that you would tell people to come -- even to just the ceremony -- and NOT give them an invitation. That just screams second class citizen.

Don't invite them to the ceremony if you can't invite them to the reception. If you do choose to invite some/all of these people to the entire wedding celebration, give them a physical invitation.

HockeyFan4 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-invite-coworkers-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21f02347-ab19-442c-b5f2-81e9c61ef4c5Post:133db1d6-5d6d-42c8-a7f2-8067465bf879">Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, I understand your point of view and I see how it can be rude... However, I live in NJ...
Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]

This made me giggle uncontrollably...as if being from New Jersey excuses lapses in etiquette.

People understand there are budget restraints. People also know that churches are public places, if they wish to go on their own to your ceremony, they will. If you invite people to just the ceremony, feelings will be hurt. You work with these people, you do not want to cause animosity at work.

[Deleted User] · August 2012

OP,

I work at a school as well. I think when you work in a large work place, like a school, people understand that not everyone (if anyone at all) can be invited to weddings. It's just not plausible for the vast majority of people to invite that many coworker to their weddings. None of my coworkers are offended when then aren't invited to weddings. It would be far ruder to invite someone to your ceremony and not the reception, than not inviting them at all.

libby2483 · August 2012

OP, I am also a teacher, so I understand the difficulty of working with a large group of people and not being able to invite all of them. I decided just to invite the three coworkers in my department.

It is considered very rude to only invite people to the ceremony. It is basically saying, "I know I'm so special that you will want to come see me get married and bring me a gift, even though I won't be paying for you to eat and celebrate with me." Trust me, your coworkers will understand if you are unable to invited everyone (or anyone), but you get expect some major side-eying if people only get invited to the ceremony.

lindsaynewbride10 · August 2012

Yea, with that many people, I'd probably not invite them. People will understand budgets. Don't sweat it.

ashlifive · August 2012

WOW.

I asked a question because I needed guidance...not for people to bash me and to call me a "second class citizen".

Thanks for all your replies...even those that were very rude. You talk about etiquette on this board, but clearly don't show it to your fellow board members.

And for those that offered genuine advice, I appreciate your help.

ashlifive · August 2012

I am "chill" but maybe the "etiquette police" are just a little too much for me! Next time I have a question, I think I will ask a friend.

hoffse · August 2012

OP, calm down. We're letting you know that what you're planning is rude. It's better to get straight-up, honest advice from strangers on the internet than offending your friends and family.

ashlifive · August 2012

I don't really like your tone.

I came here to ask a question and get advice. What I didn't come to this board to get was disrespected or mocked because I didn't know the "proper" way to do something. There is a way to answer someone's question in a respectful manner.

I was always taught that you get what you give in life.

Habs2Hart · August 2012

I didn't see anyone being rude here but you. Some people are blunt, but not rude.

The thing about asking strangers, is we'll tell you an honest answer. Friend's don't always, epecially if you are going to react like this.

ashlifive · August 2012

Well, if you find me rude I apologize because I never meant to put off that vibe.

Not everyone was rude...I genuinely appreciate most of the advice that was offered.

I am extremely stressed (as I am sure many other brides are) and I am the first one to get married out of all my friends so I don't have a lot of people to turn to.

I see your point about asking strangers...so maybe I am better off sticking to people I know.

Habs2Hart · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-invite-coworkers-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:21f02347-ab19-442c-b5f2-81e9c61ef4c5Post:36ab85b3-9d59-4533-9a10-39bad8df2577">Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, if you find me rude I apologize because I never meant to put off that vibe. Not everyone was rude...I genuinely appreciate most of the advice that was offered. I am extremely stressed (as I am sure many other brides are) and I am the first one to get married out of all my friends so I don't have a lot of people to turn to. I see your point about asking strangers...so maybe I am better off sticking to people I know.
Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]

So you don't get an honest answer? The thing is, we will tell you things that your friends will not. Like, doing this is rude, whereas your friends may not tell you something because they don't want to hurt your feelings. KWIM? You may end up doing something that people will talk about behind your back, you may offend someone (likely, in this situation) and you won't know. Wouldn't you rather find out BEFORE you do it, from people who don't know you from Adam and will give you totally unbiased answers?

ashlifive · August 2012

Yes. I get what you mean. Although, I do have people in my life that can be brutally honest...aka...my future sister-in-law. Haha.

Habs2Hart · August 2012

Seriously, there are stressful parts of wedding planning (dealing with expectations, guest list, budget, etc) but overall, it should be enjoyable.

Maybe if you are so spun to this point, it's time to take a step back and do something fun that isn't WR at all.

hoffse · August 2012

OP, people are just being blunt and typing as briefly as possible for convenience's sake. It's not a personal attack. The problem with asking your friends, like PP mentioned, is that they will tell you it's a great idea to avoid hurting your feelings. We don't know you, and so we will be more honest instead of telling you little white lies to preserve your feelings.

I'm sorry you're stressed, but one of the best ways to avoid that (I've found) is to keep asking questions, and really consider the advice that people give. Don't take it personally. If/when you start answering questions you will see that nobody is trying to be mean. They are just trying to help you avoid doing something that will cause your guests to really talk about you behind your back (for good reason). You can't make everybody happy, and the reality is that whatever you do will cause people to talk. But there are some major faux pauxs you can avoid by asking questions to strangers instead of your friends. This is one of them. Honestly, be glad you asked before you went ahead and did this - we get brides on here all the time saying, "well I did X and now I have to fix it..." It's a lot harder to hit the rewind button than to avoid the situation altogether.

Girlie1030 · August 2012

Your wedding is still a year away. If you're this stressed now, I'd hate to see you come next June.

You were given appropriate advice - if you don't like it fine, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or that anyone was rude to you.

hoffse · August 2012

Oh and I second PPs that you might want to take a break from wedding stuff for a bit - I imagine you're also very stressed because the school year is about to start again? Maybe take a couple weeks off, get school started, and then come back to wedding stuff with a clearer head. I took the bar exam 2 weeks ago, and wedding stuff got me abnormally stressed even though it's not for another 8 months. I realized it was bar exam stress that was poisoning the well, so to speak. Now that that's over, I can enjoy wedding planning again.

ashlifive · August 2012

I know it's the internet and that people say what they want. But I guess i just didn't expect some of the comments to be so forceful. I came here looking for some support (not to tell me I'm right...just to understand that I need help) and answers. Well, at least I got answers!

And as far as being stressed...the wedding is only one small part in the rest of what is going on in my life. I'm going to take a break and get a massage. Haha.

Kristin789 · August 2012

This is my 26th year of teaching, and in my area, no one invites "teacher friends" to weddings. It's understood that your "teacher friends" are friends AT WORK, and AT WORK has nothing to do with your personal family and friends.

Too many young teachers want to make the WORKplace more of a sorority house, where the teachers lounge is like the living room. But really, your WORK friends are not your sisters. They are just people you know from work.

Meegles4 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-invite-coworkers-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:21f02347-ab19-442c-b5f2-81e9c61ef4c5Post:95dc0122-1f53-49c2-8657-2756f1c85db8">Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony? : Dude, chill. No one called you a second-class citizen. They said inviting people to the free part of the wedding but not to the part you have to pay for comes across as treating THEM like a second-class citizen. And no one bashed you at all.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Thanks for clarifying, Stage. OP, I definitely didn't mean to call YOU that, it's exactly as Stage explained. Sorry for the confusion. I just meant that by not even giving people a physical invitation and only inviting them to one part of your wedding, you're treating them like lesser than they are and like they're of a lesser status than your other, truly invited, guests.

Wedding planning can definitely have its stressful moments. But as another poster said, you have some time before the wedding. We didn't truly finalize our guest list until about 2 months prior to the wedding...and we even sent STDs (we just sent them to family and very close friends, not the entire guest list). This is definitely something you can push to the back of your mind and re-evaluate when your wedding is closer. Who knows, your relationships with your co-workers could change, they could leave the school, any number of things could happen.

ashlifive · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-invite-coworkers-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:21f02347-ab19-442c-b5f2-81e9c61ef4c5Post:25528fef-99aa-4592-9ed4-632a5f467507">Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is my 26th year of teaching, and in my area, no one invites "teacher friends" to weddings. It's understood that your "teacher friends" are friends AT WORK, and AT WORK has nothing to do with your personal family and friends. Too many young teachers want to make the WORKplace more of a sorority house, where the teachers lounge is like the living room. But really, your WORK friends are not your sisters. They are just people you know from work.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Hmm...I don't look at it like that at all. I make friends in all different places in my life. There are probably about 4 or 5 people at work that I am really close to and see outside of my job on a regular basis. I also don't think it is a bad thing to have friends at work....I think it actually makes me happier and more productive at what I do.

libby2483 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-invite-coworkers-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:21f02347-ab19-442c-b5f2-81e9c61ef4c5Post:32fc1149-44f0-4128-af18-cf26c7bb93a8">Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony? : Hmm...I don't look at it like that at all. I make friends in all different places in my life. There are probably about 4 or 5 people at work that I am really close to and see outside of my job on a regular basis. I also don't think it is a bad thing to have friends at work....I think it actually makes me happier and more productive at what I do.
Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]

<div>I think the best thing to do would to be invite those 4 or 5 people (plus any of their SOs). When brides on here ask for advice as to who to invite from work, other posters often tell them to invite those people they actually socialize with outside of the work place. I agree that having friends at work can definitely make you happier and more productive!</div>

Kristin789 · August 2012

Ashlifive, In my area, this is unheard of. I work in a place with something like 35 people, and I've never been inside anyone's house except two people who invited me inside to stand awkwardly in the foyer while they grabbed a briefcase and a jacket to go to some meeting we were going to go to together.

But I understand that in your area, or maybe in your career field, this type of thing IS done. I know about the negatives, but maybe I need to think more about the possible positives that could come from this - like you point out in your last sentence. Thanks for being nice about suggesting that I broaden my viewpoint.

Meegles4 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-invite-coworkers-to-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:21f02347-ab19-442c-b5f2-81e9c61ef4c5Post:32fc1149-44f0-4128-af18-cf26c7bb93a8">Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to invite coworkers to ceremony? : Hmm...I don't look at it like that at all. I make friends in all different places in my life. There are probably about 4 or 5 people at work that I am really close to and see outside of my job on a regular basis. I also don't think it is a bad thing to have friends at work....I think it actually makes me happier and more productive at what I do.
Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]

Kristen#'s often has unusual views of the world...I personally take it with a grain of salt.

I regularly associated with about 8-10 people from my old job after work hours. I left it right before we got engaged, and our engagement was a year long. I still associated with them so they were invited to my wedding. On the flip side, I don't spend any time outside of work with my new coworkers, so none of them were invited to my wedding.

If you have 4-5 coworkers that you regularly see outside of work, I would invite them (to the whole thing). It's perfectly acceptable to invite some coworkers and not all. Using the qualifier of "I hang out with this person regularly outside of work" is a great way to draw the lines. If you really don't hang out with someone outside of work, they can't get worked up over not being invited. I wouldn't talk about the wedding around them, and I'd send invitations to the home addresses of the coworkers you do invite.

How to invite coworkers to ceremony?

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