Career and military marriage? worried....

hh581842 · March 2010

I have a question about life as a military spouse and having my own career. I definitely want to have my own career, but a lot of that, in my opinion, depends on being able to stay in one place and develop my clientele or grow in a particular field/job. I don't have a set career right now, but I'm trying to build one. For the next six years at least, my guy (Navy) will be moving around a lot. How did you ladies deal with that? Did you just choose a spot and do long distance? I am so tired of long distance! I just want to be together. Even a job with a lot of flexibility, like being a hair stylist, depends on building a solid clientele over a long period of time. And Ideally, I would like to be an event coordinator in the business field (or weddings!! lol) but everything I can think of requires staying in one place to develop the career. Help! What did you ladies do to solve this problem?? I can't think of a good solution.

rojobro · March 2010

Hi Heidi,
First I want to say that I admire your foreplanning, courage and concern enough to even approach this issue, which is a BIG issue for all military couples. First a little background before some stranger starts giving you advice. I am a navy veteran, I was recently, honorably discharged after four years of service as a Naval Cryptologyst. My fiance, whom I've been with for over two years, has been in the military for 16 years.
During my entire time in the Navy, both on shore and on ship, I've seen so much marital trouble (and the big D) due to a wife not wanting to relocate to her husbands next duty station. Being separated by distance is NOT good for marriages. It is inevitable being in the military so you must plan ahead. I can not tell you how many marriages I have seen broken because of this issue. If you are marrying a man in the military you are obligating yourself to stand by his side no matter what the military tells him he has to do or where to go, which he has no control over. Anyone marrying someone in the military must understand this. It is your job as a military spouse be there with your spouse. It is difficult being a military wife, or husband for that matter. You sacrifice a lot for the one you love, but it comes with the territory. You have to know what you're getting yourself into before you get into it.
But there are times when you have no control over the time you spend separated such as deployments. They hare difficult and lonely times but you can plan ahead for them. I know many navy wives who have a savings account specifically for trips to meet up with their husbands at specific port calls while they are underway.
I completely understand your desire for a career. The best career for military spouses are travelling careers such as nursing or school teaching. I gave up having a career as a Cryptologic Technician with a top secret security clearance for my fiance because it is not a traveling career and I could not have just got up and left when leave the state/country in four years, and I know who I am marrying and I know the responsabilities that come with it. There are still many traveling careers that are great for military spouses. If you become a registered nurse you can work for just about any of the naval hospitals or clinics which are at every duty station. If you are a school teacher you can work for DOD schools on base where ever you get stationed.
I know this is extremely long winded but you've hit a sore spot for me. The best thing that you can do for your marriage is to be with your husband and move with him when he gets stationed somewhere else. It is so important. And you may say, I've seen other military couples who made it work (and perhaps a few have) but why risk it on something so big and important as your marriage, because the odds are it will not work.
Okay that's enough of my lecturing. I hope you find peace and a path that is right for both of you and your marraige.

Good luck,
Jodi

rojobro · March 2010

Gee wiz that was long, so sorry, but it is important.

meltoine · March 2010

Hello, congrats, and welcome!

Basically, it's hard to have a super-successful career as a military wife. It can be done, but it takes a lot of flexibility.

Do you have a college degree? In what? How long is your FI planning on staying in the Navy? You said something about 6 years - if he's planning on getting out after that, there will be plenty of time at that point for you to really get going on your career after you two settle down. 6 years seems like a long time, but it's water under the bridge compared to the rest of your life.

Personally, I have a BA in Anthropology and I'm planning to pursue an MA in Moral Theology. Originally, I wanted to start my MA this coming fall, but we are PCSing to Egypt soon, and none of the Egyptian schools have a MT programme. So, I'm putting that on hold until our next assignment. In the meantime, I will work whatever job I can find.

The bottom line is, you have to work with your FI and he has to work with you. I find the easiest way is to explain to him what your "perfect dream" is - what you would love your professional life to look like. Then, see how and when you can fit the pieces of that into your military life. The major caveat to this is you must, must, must realize going in that that schedule will change a thousand times. If you get upset by every change in the plan, your time in the military will be no fun.

Marcia1215 · March 2010

It is a tough situation. I'm a lawyer. FI and I met my third year of law school. I have student loan debt so I have to have my own career or at least a decent payng job to be able to pay it back. A lawyer isn't exactly a portable career. You have to be licensed where you practice and right now I am licensed in VA. We still haven't decided what we are going to do. I certainly do not want a long distance marriage. It will be hard enough being separated for deployments. And I know FI does not want to leave the Marine Corps.
I know this isn't actually advice. Its more I'm in your boat too. Talk to your fiance. Ask him what he thinks.

MilitaryBride2Be · March 2010

Marcia I'm in the same boat as you! I have a crazy amount of student loans and I can't not work, FI's salary couldn't support my loans and his. I'm an engineer and luckly near a lot of bases are engineering firms since they work close with the miliatary. Even though FI won't get to chose his duty stations, my fingers are crossed I'll be able to find a job.

hh581842 · March 2010

In response to Jodi, yeah, It's not that I don't understand that being together isn't important to a marriage. That's what I ideally want. Our whole relationship has been long distance so far, and then I'll go visit him on deployments or where he's currently stationed (Japan). It's really tough as it is, and I don't want that for our marriage. And I understand the sacrifice that comes with marrying a military member. That's why I'm asking this question in the first place, because I'm taking all of this lifestyle into consideration when thinking about the future. So i don't need to know what military life is like and what comes with it, i need info on how to deal with it, knowing all that we know about the lifestyle.

In response to Meltoine, haha yeah, I definitely understand that the schedule or plan will change....on the drop of a dime....just because the Navy says so. lol. Military life is all about uncertainty, and even when they have a plan, they change it, lol I know that.

I guess I should give you some background on me to better explain myself. I'm 24 with a BA in Communication Studies, graduated in 2008. I've been with my BF for a little over two years, of which we've actually spent only 5 months physically together. He's a LT in the USN. It's been tough but I can see us being together in the long term, my only concern is the post I wrote above: How can I make a career work? I want to get into event coordination full time. Currently, however, my main source of income is from serving or bartending in restaurants. This profession is VERY flexible and as far as time commitment and being able to move around goes, it's perfect, but just like Marcia and MilitaryBride2B said, I can't afford to not have my own career. Last tax year I made $23,000. That's enough for some pple to live I realize, so I am happy to have a job, but I can barely afford to pay my bills and I have a lot of student loan debt. I cannot afford to not have my own career, I HAVE to have that income. Furthermore, I want to do something I love, not just be a nurse or something because it's there. I would pretty much hate that job, just like i hate serving, and being in a job you hate sucks.

So, Meltoine, I can't really put a career on hold. If i find something, I can't afford to not take it. BF will be in the Navy for AT LEAST the next six years, and is not sure if he will leave or not. He may stay in and make a career out of it, just because at that point, he's only 5 or so more years away from 20 and at that point it may just be worth it to stay in. And I want him to do what he thinks is best for himself and his career, even if that means staying in and not being a civilian later. I've told him my concerns and what I want for a career, but we just don't have a good answer right now.

Marcia, I am basically in the same boat as you!

So (WOW this is long!!) all that being said, knowing that I HAVE to have a career, it's not an option for me, how am I supposed to make a career work with the fact that my BF or future husband will have to move every two years or so?

meltoine · March 2010

It sounds to me like you may have a tough choice to make. I don't think you can make it work unless you give something up. You may very well have to choose between your career and your relationship, or at least living with/near your SO.

rojobro · March 2010

I agree with Meltoine. The best marriage advice I've ever been given is 'Relationships are a constant renegotiation.' You may also consider renegotiating your career to better conform to the lifestyle in which you are walking into. Unfortunately being an officers wife means that you will be moving twice as much as the average enlisted sailor. This will make it very difficult to transfer the non-traveling type of career that you are interested in. I'm sure with enough planning it is possible although not probable. Basically as soon as you get to one duty station you would need to start preparing your career for the next move to make sure that you will have the type work that you want in the next city.

"So i don't need to know what military life is like and what comes with it, i need info on how to deal with it, knowing all that we know about the lifestyle."

In response to your quote, you have to know what military life is like and what comes with it before you can figure out how to deal with it. Just as you expect your fiance to look at the situation from where you're coming from, you should also look at it from where he's coming from and where he's coming from is the military. Instead of just looking at the situation/lifestyle you should to look at why the situation is, the reality of the situation, and what you have control over before you can make these important decisions with your BF.
I hope this helps a little bit although I'm afraid I sound a little overbearing. This situation is a soft spot for me.

hh581842 · March 2010

Right, I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I meant that I understand the military lifestyle, and now I need to know how to deal with this particular situation, because i haven't thought of any solutions that let my BF and me have our cake and eat it too. I like how you put that though--I think that the reality of the situation is that he will be moving every two years. He gets to "choose" his next duty station, then 1 yr in Rhode Island, then "choose" somewhere else. I think what we have control over is where he "chooses" to be, and he can pick the same places and hope that he gets stationed there again and again per his request.

Thanks Melissa. It sucks hearing it put that way, but you may be right. I want to have my own income to contribute to a relationship/marriage, and it makes me so sad thinking that the only way I can do that might be to work in a job I hate for the rest of my life just for the money. I want to be with my husband, AND have a job I love, and the fields I love are not moved around easily :-/

rojobro · March 2010

Yeah you're right, you mentioned staying in one place and doing long distance and I ran with it because it is the WORST thing for a relationship.
It may be possible for your sailor to keep requesting that he gets stationed in the same location over and over again and it may work for a while but eventually it will catch up with him and he will be forced to relocate. By that time you will be so grounded where you are and in your career that you will not want to move with him. That is exactly what happened to someone very close to me and a 15 year marriage was ended as a result.
Also, it's not good for his career to stay in one location and it looks bad for advancement. But it has been done before, it's another possibility but not probability.
It's a constant renegotiation. Perhaps by the time that he is to get stationed somewhere else he'll be at his EAOS and decide to get out so he doesn't have to put you through all of that.

The most important advice that I can give to any military couple is to stay together wherever you get stationed.

BTW, I don't think it would be very difficult for you to have a career as an event planner in whatever location your bf gets stationed. The military, and especially the Navy, is always booming with events, ship commissionings/decommissionings, change of commands, retirement ceremonies, tons of NATO events, etc. Every major duty station like Norfolk or San Diego has a Navy League for these events and are always looking for event coordinators.

pie508 · March 2010

So we're dealing with the same thing...I'm a biomedical engineer in New Jersey and he's a LT in LIttle Rock, Arkansas. He's getting deployed in July so we decided to have the JOP wedding next week and then a big wedding when he comes back. So as of this Friday, we'll be married and living apart. I'm planning on quitting my job next February and moving to be with him and then figuring things out from there. I'm also considering a career change for a few other reasons, but the main one is that I decided to support my future husband and his goals. I know that there is more than one career that can make me happy and I might even take some more classes to figure out what I want to do from here on out. I would suggest just thinking about what sort of life you want for yourselves and what you're willing to give up to make things work. One thing that I fell myself is that my husband/marriage comes first, not my career.At the end of the day, a job is a job, but your husband is still there when you have a bad day or get laid off (as is very possible these days).

hh581842 · March 2010

Rojobro--- And these are civilian employees? not military members doing the coordinating? Cuz I know that my BF did some of that stuff as part of his duties on his ship. He was in charge of planning certain smaller events. Finding a cool job like that on base would make things easy.

kaynix21 · March 2010

I feel the same way. I am a sports writer with a degree in journalism. I would love to have a professional career and do big things.

But I'd rather be living with FI and not doing long distance. I am willing to give some things up than lose him.

I wish I could answer your question, because then maybe I could help myself too, but I can't. Sorry I didn't read all the responses because they were long and I'm tired.

But it'll work out!

hh581842 · March 2010

soo Kaynix21, what are your future plans with your FI? Are you just planning on moving in with him and then tackling the job situation after?

I wish that I could just not work and be his trophy wife!! hahaha. That would solve all my problems.........and it would be fun. haha jk....sort of.

Ok, i'm just throwing this out there as a crazy random idea. As military brides/brides to be, if there was a freelance military wedding planner at the base near you, would you use her? (i.e. if I had to move around all the time, but always advertised my wedding coordinator services at my new base, would you be interested in my services?) Is there a market for that? I would be like a military wedding specialist.......

BTW, thank you everyone for your input so far. I wish that there was someone out there who, in their own relationship, came up with a clear solution for this, but there probably isn't one.

rojobro · March 2010

Yeah there are many opportunities for event coordinators. The small ones like reenlistments and shipboard cultural events are organized by sailors who have organizing them as a collateral duty. The big events with hundreds of people definitely take civilian event planners. The commissioning of the Bush was crazy huge, the president was there and even Leno I think. Big change of commands, military birthday balls or a four star admiral retiring all hire event planners, there's no way a sailor could plan those huge events as a collateral duty on top of their regular job. My fiance is with the Navy band and they do the music for all of these big events, that's how I know all of that.
And the wedding planning side of it would be big too, there are always weddings going on in the military community. There is a photography business on base here that my fiance and I are using for our wedding, they are retired photographers mates and their prices are very reasonable. I think most military brides would feel more comfortable using vendors who are closely related to the military too.
And hey, once your husband starts putting on oak leaves you may just get to be that trophy wife after all and just do the event planning on the side for fun.
~Jodi

eskamo · March 2010

I also have a college degree that I wish to use. My H has tons of student loans. When I graduated college I had every intention of becoming a corporate event planner workin with marketing and trade shows. However, because most Army bases are not within commuting distance from a big city, I gave that up. We both should work in order to pay off our debt and student loans. My personal decision was that when choosing this married to the military life, I conceded to making some sacrifices. One of these happens to be my career. I will probably be getting my teaching certificate and therefore working in a job I don't love.
I'm not saying you should do and feel the same way I do. But there is no easy answer. I honestly don't think you can "have your cake and eat it too". Sorry.

hh581842 · March 2010

Jodi-- Hahaha i'll be looking forward to those oak leaves haha. Well, I definitely need to look into the possibility of event coordination on base. I'm really intrigued by this wedding planning idea though. I need to look into this more. I like the idea of working for myself and having personal freedom.

Rach6409--What's an SLP? I'm still learning the language of "military" lol. yeah, going into business for yourself on base is an interesting idea. Something interesting I saw on my BF's base in Japan were personal trainers. People are probably doing this on all the bases, but obviously i haven't been traveling to many bases and this is thus a new idea to me. But I think it's genius. You have a concentrated clientele of military spouses whose husbands are always going out to sea. It makes sense to me that those women would want to take that time to work out, and offering one's services to get them in shape is a great idea. Also, I couldn't do this because other people's bodies gross me out, but at that same base, a few women were offering their services as professional masseurs around base! They were super booked too.

Eskamo--I admire you for doing that, and i think overall it was a smart choice. It will be good for you two financially and it will make life a lot easier. But it makes me sad you had to give up what you dreamed of. I really do admire that, that takes strength. On a related note, I feel a little trapped with that idea because from what I've heard, the main jobs that pay well on base are teaching or nursing jobs. OK EVERYONE, DON'T SHOOT ME FOR SAYING THIS!! but I am not a kid person at all. I mean, I don't even like being in the vicinity of children. HS is better, but the thought of getting paid to be around children all day is frightening to me. LOL. Also, I feel sick at the sight of blood, even my own....from a paper cut....So the two main jobs for me are pretty much out from the get go. Now this doesn't mean that there aren't other jobs i can look in to, and you may be right, I may not get to have my cake and eat it too. Maybe one of those other jobs will give me something in the middle--just a little bite of my cake lol. Thanks for sharing though. it's good to hear how you chose to actually solve the problem, even though it wasn't ideal.

I really feel like this lifestyle was perfect for women in the 50's who weren't supposed to work, and who were supposed to let the men be the breadwinners. It was expected they would stay home and raise the kids, and moving around under those conditions are so much easier. Today, that one working parent/spouse lifestyle is so much harder to maintain. For a lot of people today, it's not even an option (like me! lol). I wonder if the military will one day change how it operates to fit the modern family, or if the modern family will always have to adapt to the military.

eskamo · March 2010

I think you're right, this was ideal for women who weern't supposed to work. And just to put it out there...My H is an Officer, so maybe that has something to do with it (?) but his commanding officers have told him to discourage me from working and having a career. They believe it is a better "image" to have a SAHW/M. I disagree and so does my H, but supposedly it will be difficult to fit in with the other wives. Just thought I'd share...

hh581842 · March 2010

Eskamo-- what branch is your H in? Do you ever watch Army wives? the main character's husband told her something along those lines when she told him she wanted to get a job at the local bar. He said that he didn't want her to get a job because he's supposed to be the provider, and if she's working, it looks like he can't take care of his own family. The character was enlisted so it wasn't so much an officer thing, at least in the show. lol thank you television for that little jewel.

My BF wants me to have my own career as well. He's an officer in the Navy, and he's never mentioned that whole "image" thing to me, but i'm sure it's there. The feeling is probably that officers make good money, so their wives shouldn't need to work, or something like that. But if I don't have children, then that would seriously just make me a trophy wife, and I don't know what i would do with myself all day lol. One of his captains did give him some advice on marriage once: find an ugly, goodhearted woman, and make her your wife, and you will be a happy sailor....or something along those lines haha. And I think he was more than half serious lol

eskamo · March 2010

He's in the Army. And YES! I love that show, I definitly remember that episode! I think a lot of people do try to uphold the officer image, but I'm not one of those. And if both partners work, that just makes it easier financially.
I really hope you can figure out a way to live with your H and not hate your job/career. Givin up dreams sucks, but I love my H too much to live apart and he helps make the disappointment less

lol

smwiggle · March 2010

I will try to make this short. My H is in the Army (enlisted and career) and I have both a BS and MS in Biology. Currently I work in a lab and I love my job. But, we will be PCSing to Germany in June and I have already accepted the fact that I will have to give up my job. I don't want to be separated for 3 years, plus that does in fact hurt the relationship. There is a reason why military has such a high divorce rate. So, I will be going back to school to get a nursing degree (not saying this is what you should do). But, you should be able to find a job that you will like (maybe not all the time, but most of the time). As for the "image", there are some people and the BS of having to fit the military mold, and having to suck up to higher ranking officers and their wives. It sucks, but it comes with the territory. Thankfully enlisted isn't quite so political as officers. I don't think you will ever really be able to "have your cake and eat it too". You will have to make a choice. And be able to live with your choice for the rest of your life, or until he retires.

hh581842 · March 2010

SMWIGGLE---what does PCS stand for? Are you by chance going to Darmstadt? idk if i spelled that right. If so, fun! I stayed in Darmstadt with a friend whose cousin was married to someone stationed there and we stayed at their house. I loved it! and it's close to Frankfurt which is fun. My BF is not liking Japan just because it's so far away but I keep begging him to get stationed in Italy! He's not into it haha. but if he got stationed anywhere in Europe I would go in a heartbeat!!

Eskamo--I used to watch that show (love it) and think to myself, geeze, I could never be in a relationship with someone in the military. Being apart from them all the time, and worrying about them when they leave, and wondering if they're gonna cheat or something, no thanks!!.....And now look at me!!!! LOL in a relationship with a sailor. Whaa?? lol. I'm not really worried that he's gonna get hurt luckily cuz pretty much the worst that could happen to him is he falls over board, and, well, he can swim, but still, here i am, a million miles away from my boyfriend in the Navy LOL. How the heck did that happen?!? haha. I don't know how you ladies deal with being in a relationship with a man in the Army/Marines. I would worry myself to death....

eskamo · March 2010

I pretty much just suck it up and deal. Although, we have not been through a deployment yet. My answer might change when that happens! lol
PCS - Permenant change of station; when you move to your new base

smwiggle · March 2010

We are actually going to be stationed in Hohenfels/Grafenwoehr. It is in Southwest Germany, not too far from the Czech border. I am super excited about that. Not too happy though that I have to give up my job. Hopefully I can find something though. I hope you can work things out with your BF. It is not the easiest life truthfully. But, if you really love him and are strong enough, you can make it work.

mrschristensen88 · March 2010

I just want to thank everyone for their comments! I think it's a GREAT discussion, and something that needs to be considered. I feel like I am trapped though! I am desperately in love with my man, and cannot think of anyone that I would rather spend the rest of my life with. HOWEVER, my dream has always been to go to law school and pursue a career in law. Can I do that and be married to a military man?

Based on the discussion the culture of the military is for house wives, not career oriented women. Is this a red flag for me? Is this going to lead to tough, maybe even marriage breaking issues later down the road?

Ben is of course very supportive of my pursuing my career, and tells me often that my mind is what he loves about me. But if the culture is not conducive to careers for the wives, does it really matter what my husband thinks? What about the image pressure for officers?

Thanks!

hh581842 · March 2010

These are my same concerns. My bf has even told me that he would prefer that I have a career, especially since I want one. As far as the image thing, that's not something I would worry about. You having a career will only make your life together easier financially, and seriously, who cares what other people think? I know my bf won't care if people tell him something about me working, and I think I might laugh in their face if someone says something to me. If it's the life I'm choosing, I don't care what other people think about it, especially when i think it's silly. I really do think the image thing is silly. It's like the man is less of a man if his wife works lol. That's just dumb.

But yeah, I think this life was really built around the traditional lifestyle of a stay at home mom/wife and a working husband, and when society changed, the military didn't. obviously, I don't have any answers for you, since I'm the one who asked the question in the first place lol. The only thing i can think of for you (and for me), is what if my bf gets stationed in not the same exact post, but posts that are all nearby to each other. So, for example, what if I set up shop in DC, and then he gets stationed in DC, and then Rhode Island, and then ____, and then DC again etc. That wouldn't hurt his career right? because he's still moving around, he's just not moving too far. It wouldn't be perfect but I feel like that has potential. And, granted, it may just feel like that to me because the distance between RI and DC is WAAAYYY less than the distance that is usually between my bf and me (i.e. USA and Japan

...)

What branch is your FI in? I feel like for you, you know for sure you have to be with your man--you wouldn't be able to give that up. right? Could you still be happy if you had to give up your dream career?

My BF and I are not at the point where we know for sure about each other, but we can definitely see us getting married. I also am not stuck on having to do any one particular career, I just want to do something I love and make a good living doing it. IDK how much of either I would be willing to give up to make it work. Is it better to have 1/2 of each (1/2 the career I want and 1/2 the time I want to have with my bf) or a whole one of just one thing (i.e. all bf and give up a career completely or vice versa)?

hh581842 · March 2010

why do i always write such long messages?!? lol

eskamo · March 2010

hh - Yes, tht could work, him moving back and forth between DC. But what if he's ordered to some tiny town in Texas, or New York, or Washington, KWIM? There is nothing that guarantees he will stay within the same 100mile radius.

Mrs.Christensen - My H (the one who was concerned about the image it would portray) told me that he would rather have a happy wife who is "breaking the rules" than an unhappy wife who fulfills the Stepford Wife image. So, it depends on your situation.
The only thing you have to decide on is whether or not you're willing to follow him. EX: We just got orders to Ft. Drum, NY. We are NINETY miles from a city!! I have NOOO clue what I am going to do with myself, much less where I would work. What if this was y'all? Would you transfer schools? Or not work for a couple yrs?

I don't have any answers either. Wish I did, but alas my magic eight ball is broken. lol. Good luck and do whatever makes both you and your partner happy.

hh581842 · March 2010

Just so everyone knows, I really regret my SN. lol. I didn't realize what it was really when i filled that out. :-P
Yeah, there's definitely a chance of that. But he does really well in his fitness reports, and he's getting higher in rank now so I feel like it's a real possibility that when he chooses a location and ranks it above his other options, he'll get it. There's always a chance he won't but more often than not I think he would. And luckily, in the Navy, there are less random places to be stationed in the US than other branches. Army you need lots of land to train, but Navy you need a port, and we only have two coasts, whereas there's a whole lot of land in between those coasts. Like, in Cali, he would really only get stationed in San Diego. other than that there's Hawaii, and then the east coast. I'm used to driving from San Diego to the Bay area (8 hours), so I feel like anywhere near my general vicinity would be temporarily doable. ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN FREAKING JAPAN!!!! LOL
Eskamo--what do you mean change schools? you said you were getting a teaching license right? Do you mean change the school you're going to to get that license?

eskamo · March 2010

Umm I think I meant if you were still in law school. For myself, I am having to transfer my credit hours to an online school so I can continue. Is that kinda thing possible for law school?
Good point on us only having two coasts - lol. We do have way to many bases in the Army.

Career and military marriage? worried....

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