FI thinks registries are tacky?

fireytiger · August 2010

So I mentioned going to do a gift registry for our wedding to my FI, and to my surprise this conversation did not go at all as I expected. First, he told me he had no idea what a gift registry was (he spent all but the last 4 years living in a very small town, and I guess people don't do that where he was from or something). Second, after I explained what it was, he declared that he thinks that sounds like a horribly tacky idea and refuses to register. His mother has told him it's not tacky, several other friends and family have told him it's not tacky, and that it's more of a guide to help people who don't know what we would want or need, but he is still adamant that we will not register. He won't even let ME go register for us, because his name would be attached to the "tacky" registry! I do not feel a registry is an announcement of "Hey we're getting married and we want stuff, so buy us these things!!" but my FI thinks it does. I also had no intention on announcing it to people without them asking first, or putting it in invitations or anything like that, so it's not like I am going about this in a tacky manner. So what do I do here?

banana468 · August 2010

Well, you can always send him here. :-)

Registries themselves aren't tacky. It's how you handle a registry that can be tacky. As long as you don't broadcast it, people really do want to see that a couple has a registry so they can get an idea of what you'd like or not like.

Otherwise, how do they know what your China pattern will be? What color towels do you want for the bathroom? Is there a new kitchen appliance that you'd like?

Why is he insisting upon them being tacky? Have any of his friends been married and did they do registries?

fireytiger · August 2010

Well, several of his siblings have been married and apparently none of them did registries (or if they did, he never knew about it). Only one friend of ours has done a registry for her wedding, and she was really tacky and greedy about it. She had her MOH go around and tell everyone (whether they were interested or not) that she was registered at X and Y places, and informed them that should make sure to bring all presents to her bridal shower instead of the wedding so they wouldn't have to worry about them so much at the wedding. And every single thing on the registry cost in excess of 100 dollars, so I was pretty irked by the whole situation myself. (On a side note, we did get her what we felt was a thoughtful gift within our price range, which we've yet to receive any gratitude for). My FI never looked at the registry himself, and I don't think what I mentioned about it really sunk in with him. He still had no idea what a registry was when I first brought ours up with him months later. So i'm not sure what his problem is with them, it's just that he seems to think that it's like saying "hey we're getting married, buy us stuff!" when obviously most people don't see it that way.

quotequeen · August 2010

Would he be interested in the etiquette authorities' take on registries? Perhaps you can find an Emily Post article or something that explains why they are acceptable.

DanielleM01 · August 2010

Hmm...tough one, if he is stubborn, it could be tough to convince him. Try reminding him that people will probably get you stuff whether you register or not, and if it's not your taste/style you will spend A LOT of time returning them and that can be a huge hassle. Also, people want to buy you things you want and need, so having a registry is more convenient for them as well. Reassure him that you will not be tacky about it and people will only know about your registry if they specifically ask. Good luck!

jennylove810 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_fi-thinks-registries-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:663a9e59-2d3f-4ccb-9cf5-17966e8207b8Post:4b38dab1-7d85-441e-9e92-a5dfd804a4eb">FI thinks registries are tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I mentioned going to do a gift registry for our wedding to my FI, and to my surprise this conversation did not go at all as I expected. First, he told me he had no idea what a gift registry was (he spent all but the last 4 years living in a very small town, and I guess people don't do that where he was from or something). Second, after I explained what it was, he declared that he thinks that sounds like a horribly tacky idea and refuses to register. His mother has told him it's not tacky, several other friends and family have told him it's not tacky, and that it's more of a guide to help people who don't know what we would want or need, but he is still adamant that we will not register. <strong>He won't even let ME go register for us, because his name would be attached to the "tacky" registry!</strong> I do not feel a registry is an announcement of "Hey we're getting married and we want stuff, so buy us these things!!" but my FI thinks it does. I also had no intention on announcing it to people without them asking first, or putting it in invitations or anything like that, so it's not like I am going about this in a tacky manner. So what do I do here?
Posted by fireytiger[/QUOTE]

This sentence concerns me. Specifically the 'he won't *let* me' part.

kayboo1218 · August 2010

perhaps he would see it better from this point of view: I personally know some people who believe NOT making a registry is tacky because they see it as the couple's way of asking for CASH. I personally don't see it that way but some people honestly do. so what would he prefer? guiding people (who want to purchase a gift) in the right direction with a variety of prices OR looking money grabby? ya know? Just another perspective you might think about.

Simply Fated · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_fi-thinks-registries-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:663a9e59-2d3f-4ccb-9cf5-17966e8207b8Post:bfe3646d-5bec-4a2c-8573-1a836666dbe5">Re: FI thinks registries are tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to FI thinks registries are tacky? : This sentence concerns me. Specifically the 'he won't *let* me' part.
Posted by jennylove810[/QUOTE]
I don't think she meant it as, 'he won't let me because he controls me.' I think he just asked her not to because it's his name that would be on there, too, and she complied.

Growing up, registries were tacky in my area, too, and I did not come from a small town. Since then, they have become much more accepted, but there are still some people who hesitate in regards to them.
Registries are less than a century old. Weddings have been around much longer than that and people survived just fine.

Perhaps you can compromise and do a registry for just your shower and put only your name on there?

fireytiger · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_fi-thinks-registries-tacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:663a9e59-2d3f-4ccb-9cf5-17966e8207b8Post:f813bde5-8dfd-4c69-9da7-1e60f242dc71">Re: FI thinks registries are tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI thinks registries are tacky? : <strong>I don't think she meant it as, 'he won't let me because he controls me.' I think he just asked her not to because it's his name that would be on there, too, and she complied.</strong> Growing up, registries were tacky in my area, too, and I did not come from a small town. Since then, they have become much more accepted, but there are still some people who hesitate in regards to them. Registries are less than a century old. Weddings have been around much longer than that and people survived just fine. Perhaps you can compromise and do a registry for just your shower and put only your name on there?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

This. I am not going to go out and do a registry behind his back when it bothers him and he's told me he doesn't think we should have one. This is because we are partners, and this is OUR wedding, not just mine or his. I would be equally upset if I was bothered by something he wanted to do, and he went and did it behind my back anyway. I would much rather discuss it with him and see if we can come to some agreement on it, rather than go "pfft, well screw you, i'll just go do it anyway without you!"

Also, thank you all for your replies. I think maybe I can talk to him about it and see if he'll understand it a little better and see it as not tacky, but if it comes to the point where he's still adamantly "no", maybe I'll take the advice to just make one for the bridal shower. :)

HisCB · August 2010

my fiance didnt like the idea either, he says people are going to buy whatever they want anyway, i said that some people who dont really know us that well and they dont want to feel awkward getting us something random, and i dont want to imply that we want cash (although we would prefer it, we are saving for big ticket items and dont really need anything since i was established in my home for years with mostly upgraded housewares) the only way for people to not think you want gifts at your wedding is to say, no gifts. people know you are human and know you will appriciate gifts, they would rather get you something you like or want or need rather than a 5th toaster.
we havent come to a conclusion yet though.
good luck.

JReidSmith · August 2010

I had the same problem with my FI, mainly because I don't think he's ever had to buy a wedding gift. I enlisted my mother-in-law's help, and that got him halfway convinced. What pushed him over the edge was a combination of hearing one of our bridesmaids complaining that someone HADN'T registered and hearing another one talk about the heinous wedding gifts she received from her husband's family (several of them were insulted that she wasn't taking his name and wrote her checks made out to her first name with her husband's last name . . . which were a bear to cash, to say the least). We (FI and I) then had a conversation about how people will want to buy us gifts, and it's actually kind of wasteful to let them spend money on something that we won't like/don't need while we'll be paying out of pocket for all the things we WILL need. Once he saw the economics of it, he was on board. As I told him, people don't have to use the registery if they don't want to, but it's there if they want guidance.

puokgirl · August 2010

My fiance also didn't like the idea of a wedding registry. He said "Nobody's going to buy us anything off of it anyway" and "It's tacky." Then his family, friends and coworkers all asked where we're registered. Needless to say, we're all registered now.

efujan · August 2010

My FI felt the exact same way when I told him it was time to go register. Thought it was beyond tacky to tell people what to get us.

Our debate went this way:
ME: What if someone gets us a coffee maker?
FI: We already have a nice coffee maker though.
ME: Is anyone going to know that?
FI: Well they can just ask us.
ME: You want 200 people calling asking if we have a coffee maker?
FI: Well no . . . not really.
ME: So if someone doesn't call us and just buys us a coffee maker, we'll probably take it back, right?
FI: Probably.
ME: And what do we say when they come over and see our fancy expensive coffee maker and not the one they bought us?
FI: I dunno. They won't notice will they?
ME: I'm pretty sure they'll notice. And they might feel a little awkward about it. So wouldn't it just be easier to make a list of the things we need so someone doesn't get us a bunch of things we DON'T need?

He came around, but I had to make the non-registry option a burden on him. . .kind of sneaky, but it worked! Now he's the one that's all excited about the registry. (He's seriously stalking it because I have a shower on Sunday!)

FI thinks registries are tacky?

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