Honestly Andra? It seems like the real issue behind all of this is that your FI doesn't stick up for you when his family treats you poorly, and that's why you're so up in arms about this. You don't really have a "I don't want to invite FBIL's g/f to the party" problem - you have a FI problem.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:89d7a9f9-3ea3-4766-9993-84cd12286c98">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I'm not having any other kind of pre-wedding party. Where we're from, an engagement party is just as important as the wedding, and it's meant to be a very close and intimate gathering (people don't bring dates or anything to this since it's usually family-only... when fsil got married I wasn't invited and we had already been dating for 2 years, and I had know the family for 10 years). Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Oh okay, yeah my family has never done engagement parties, so I understand about the culture differences.
Wow and you weren't invited? Gosh my feelings would've been hurt, but like you said it's a different culture.
It sounds like to me there may also be some ill-placed resentment toward the fbil. At the end of the day, are you most upset that of all the 30 people coming, you only got to invite 3 of those people and now, after already getting the short end of the invite list, YOU are now the one who has to cut one of your 3 guests? And unfortunately, it happens to be the person you (by the sounds of it anyway) have the most strained relationship with already.
At the end of the day, I do agree that she should be invited as she's connected to the family in a pretty close way regardless of how often you've heard of/met her. While it is rude to uninvite someone and this can be the frustrating part. Trust me, I understand! Our guest list has grown by about 30 people thanks to the fh and family casually inviting people and now we're looking at having to cut others who haven't recieved an invitation because of these extras who never even made the long list.
With all of that being said, how absolutley positive are you that all 28 other people will come? I do event planning as part of my job and in my 10+ years of doing this, I have yet to have a 100% attendance even with a rock solid RSVP list. Depending on the venue and the others on the list, I'd consider gambling that at least one person will have something come up, not feel well, etc and not be able to make it and then it's all good in the end.
While it may sound petty, if the answer to the question in the first paragraph is yes, then I think an honest discussion with your fh is the best way to go (especially if you're not comfortable inviting 31). Recognize that it may sound petty but this person really means a lot to you- dare you say almost like a sibling?- and it just wouldn't be the same. At least then he is aware of where you're coming from and it's not about you and his bro not getting along or his bro's gf.
Sorry for the rambling but hopefully this helps. Best of luck!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:4bcc706b-7d53-4e61-a586-cc613b104bc1">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I am definitely sore over that. They have a lot more people they invited and it all comes down on me cutting the 3 people I wanted there because it would also be against etiquette to uninvite people. I fully agree that a social unit needs to be invited together, and I would have if he had told me just to avoid all this drama. We told him about the venue, and said that we chose a small one that only fits our closest group. <strong>He still didn't say anything like "Well, just remember to put my gf down, too"</strong> Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Probably because he figured his GF was part of the "closest group" since you know, she's his GF. Pretty close to him.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:68752e68-22f4-46aa-89e1-666e9ba8dfff">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : 1) Etiquette is etiquette, no matter what the culture. 2) Did he really give you the silent treatment? Or did he just not even think you would be so rude as to not invite his GF so he didn't think it was necessary to ask for her to be invited when told about the party? 3) Maybe your parents, FI's parents, and FI shouldn't have spouted off about the location and event until invitations actually went out. Why did they tell everyone about it in the first place? 4) I sort of agree with Rachers in that you should just invite everyone. Odds are not all 31 people are going to show. 5) We're a bunch of strangers on an internet forum. What made you think we were going to "have your back", especially on the etiquette board? Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>(2) he hasnt spoken to me for over a year, unless i directly ask him something in front of people, in which case he answers with the minimum amount of words and without even looking at me.</div><div> </div><div>(3) i 10000% agree that no one should have said anything about the invites until they were out, and I told them that was a bad move on their part. I didn't say anything to my friends, and it seems like I get the lovely reward of having to cut someone off my list of 3 people because of that.</div><div> </div><div>(4) I will take Rachel's advice if we can't find another venue, and hope for the best.</div><div> </div><div>(5) THis forum has usually been amazing for me, and the ladies have usually been super ncie to each other. I've never really felt pummeled until now.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:1cda6d06-c06e-422c-a64c-3dd4b473f6c6">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Actually, I think the last time she posted, it was about a having two wedding ceremonies, which here, is a huge no-no. It's quite different in her culture, though, and led to a really interesting conversation about her culture. That's why I remember her. Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]
Yeah that's how I remember her as well. I love learning about new cultures.
Andra, no one is trying to pummel you. In fact, if you had posted about the actual issue you're facing (which, it sounds like, is that your FI isn't sticking up for you and he's letting his family run roughshod over you) I guarantee you that you would've gotten supportive responses. But that's not what you posted. What you posted was a chain of excuses trying to justify breaking a fundamental etiquette rule. No one is ever going to be on board for that around here, regardless of the backstory (with a few rare exceptions that have no relevance here).
Trust me I know about difficult in-laws and honestly the only reason FI and I are still together is because he has always had my back against his grandmother and sister. Thankfully FMIL likes me at least. I hope you have a sit down with your FI and he has your back, because if things are like this now they will get worse when it comes time to do the invitations and he needs to put his foot down for you.
Rachers if the restaurant sets the table or tables for 30 people and there's an extra person. It will be pretty obvious that there's more than 30 people there. No counting necessary.
OP I remember the 2 wedding post. I just don't think this scenario falls under "cultural differences". It's etiquette plain and simple.
It sounds like there's way more than just the FBIL and his GF. You have issues with your FI's entire family and it's spilling out into this situation. Are you going to take all of that out on your FBIL and his GF?
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:2313bc32-2ef2-4ae1-8a6c-7c0fb601001c">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Trust me I know about difficult in-laws and honestly the only reason FI and I are still together is because he has always had my back against his grandmother and sister. Thankfully FMIL likes me at least. I hope you have a sit down with your FI and he has your back, because if things are like this now they will get worse when it comes time to do the invitations and he needs to put his foot down for you. Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]
<div>Well the way things are with FH is definitely a huge problem between us. He never says no to his family because he thinks it's rude (and I mean never says no... that's why we're overbudget with out wedding and it's still over a year away! His parents keep adding upgrades and he is 100% in accordance with them). So he always expects me to make cuts and understand.</div><div> </div><div>Even for the wedding, I only have 10 friends (including their SO's) on my guest list, and the total guest list is at 300 now becaus he wants a ton of friends and his family invited everyone here AND everyone in europe. They actually called them all up and gave them all the details, just like they did with our engegement party. </div><div> </div><div>FH and I don't fight about anything but his family, and when that's the topic it's crazy and very heated. When I tell him he needs to have my back, too, since we're going to be a unit now, he says that I'm just starting a competition and he doesn't want to choose. I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to at least have my back once in a while, like he always does for them.</div><div> </div><div>And I'm being really honest when I say that his family is the ONLY thing we've ever fought over. Whenever they're not around, we have an amazing time together.</div>
edielaura: we haven't sent the save the dates yet so in one sense, it is just us who are having to cut and they won't know necessarily. However, we have asked everyone for their address so I suspect they're all expecting one now. On the other hand, I understand how the original poster is feeling over having to cut someone important to her because of someone else inviting a casual friend/acquiantance.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:27e6eb3d-5b98-49cc-b26a-786c4b48d1bd">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Rachers if the restaurant sets the table or tables for 30 people and there's an extra person. It will be pretty obvious that there's more than 30 people there. No counting necessary. OP I remember the 2 wedding post. I just don't think this scenario falls under "cultural differences". It's etiquette plain and simple. It sounds like there's way more than just the FBIL and his GF. You have issues with your FI's entire family and it's spilling out into this situation. Are you going to take all of that out on your FBIL and his GF? Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>I really don't want to. I realize that I'm not bending over backwards out of resentment for the way fbil has been acting, and I will fully admit to that. I just feel like I'm always the one to loose out when it comes to them. They add expenses, I cut on what's important to me. They add 50 people to our guestlist (and acutally call everone up and invite them and give them all the details- date, time, place), and I have to cut down on my wedding dress costs, cut down on centerpieces and decor, my friends, the menu, etc, because it's rude to not give these people an invitiation after they've been verbally invited with all the details.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:84866796-ea84-4f70-a1bb-34396c58f9ec">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Our guest list has grown by about 30 people thanks to the fh and family casually inviting people and now we're looking at having to cut others who haven't recieved an invitation because of these extras who never even made the long list. Posted by ambergio[/QUOTE]
You don't have to cut your guest list b/c family members can't shut up - Unless they've received an invitation/STD or have been verbally invited <strong>by the host</strong> they are not yet invited. You can stick to your original guest list and make it clear that whoever verbally invited people not on the guest list needs to go back to them and apologize for the misunderstanding and let them know that they should not have extend the invitation in the first place.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:8f1e4f5d-ff7b-436d-8068-91b388a0219e">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Well the way things are with FH is definitely a huge problem between us. He never says no to his family because he thinks it's rude (and I mean never says no... that's why we're overbudget with out wedding and it's still over a year away! His parents keep adding upgrades and he is 100% in accordance with them). So he always expects me to make cuts and understand. Even for the wedding, I only have 10 friends (including their SO's) on my guest list, and the total guest list is at 300 now becaus he wants a ton of friends and his family invited everyone here AND everyone in europe. They actually called them all up and gave them all the details, just like they did with our engegement party. FH and I don't fight about anything but his family, and when that's the topic it's crazy and very heated. When I tell him he needs to have my back, too, since we're going to be a unit now, he says that I'm just starting a competition and he doesn't want to choose. I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to at least have my back once in a while, like he always does for them. And I'm being really honest when I say that his family is the ONLY thing we've ever fought over. Whenever they're not around, we have an amazing time together. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
All of this makes me feel really sad for you. How is it that your FI's parents are making wedding demands, yet it's your parents who are paying for your wedding? They're the ones that determine the budget, NOT FILs.
How do they keep upgrading things?
I really don't know what advice to give you on this. I don't have difficult ILs and my H has always been behind me. I just feel really sorry for you at this point. And I don't mean to sound patronizing when I say that. It just makes me sad to hear about these things happening. Your FI could 100% fix these things, but he won't, for your sake. What does that tell you? Where do you stand with him really?
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:951403a2-978d-4d1b-ba06-fb9f1ff3df89">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]If you're paying, why can't you cut out one of your parent's friends? Invitations haven't gone out yet, correct? Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
<div>I would do that, or make his family make a cut, but they all already told people about the party. And I figure not inviting someone after verbally inviting them is an even bigger line that I don't want to cross.</div>
If it's not your parents, as the host of the wedding, inviting these additional people, they are NOT invited. Until STDs and invites go out NO ONE is invited, regardless of what information your ILs are giving to people.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:8f1e4f5d-ff7b-436d-8068-91b388a0219e">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Well the way things are with FH is definitely a huge problem between us. He never says no to his family because he thinks it's rude (and I mean never says no... that's why we're overbudget with out wedding and it's still over a year away! His parents keep adding upgrades and he is 100% in accordance with them). So he always expects me to make cuts and understand. Even for the wedding, I only have 10 friends (including their SO's) on my guest list, and the total guest list is at 300 now becaus he wants a ton of friends and his family invited everyone here AND everyone in europe. They actually called them all up and gave them all the details, just like they did with our engegement party. FH and I don't fight about anything but his family, and when that's the topic it's crazy and very heated. When I tell him he needs to have my back, too, since we're going to be a unit now, he says that I'm just starting a competition and he doesn't want to choose. I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to at least have my back once in a while, like he always does for them. And I'm being really honest when I say that his family is the ONLY thing we've ever fought over. Whenever they're not around, we have an amazing time together. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Please feel free to PM me anytime, he needs a come to Jesus talk. Because if he doesn't have your back against his family then it's only going to get worse. Say you have a child and you like the name Beth but FMIL likes Rose is he going to say "Yes let's name her Rose." FI and I had to come to a huge agreement, because he never said no either and financially it almost ruined him and now we are in debt because of it and FMIL owes us about 5 grand. I know it'll be hard, but he has to man up and say, "Family, Andra is going to be my wife we are starting our own family together."
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:9a6dfcaf-3965-49fe-aae5-c35278174af2">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]edielaura : we haven't sent the save the dates yet so in one sense, it is just us who are having to cut and they won't know necessarily. However, we have asked everyone for their address so I suspect they're all expecting one now. On the other hand, I understand how the original poster is feeling over having to cut someone important to her because of someone else inviting a casual friend/acquiantance. Posted by ambergio[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks, Amberigio. I understand that they've been dating for a few months, and if he would have spoken up to either fh or me, this would not have been an issue at all because we wouldn't have gone with this venue in the first place.</div><div> </div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:8f1e4f5d-ff7b-436d-8068-91b388a0219e">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Well the way things are with FH is definitely a huge problem between us. He never says no to his family because he thinks it's rude (and I mean never says no... that's why we're overbudget with out wedding and it's still over a year away! His parents keep adding upgrades and he is 100% in accordance with them). So he always expects me to make cuts and understand. Even for the wedding, I only have 10 friends (including their SO's) on my guest list, and the total guest list is at 300 now becaus he wants a ton of friends and his family invited everyone here AND everyone in europe. They actually called them all up and gave them all the details, just like they did with our engegement party. FH and I don't fight about anything but his family, and when that's the topic it's crazy and very heated. When I tell him he needs to have my back, too, since we're going to be a unit now, he says that I'm just starting a competition and he doesn't want to choose. I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to at least have my back once in a while, like he always does for them. And I'm being really honest when I say that his family is the ONLY thing we've ever fought over. Whenever they're not around, we have an amazing time together. Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
OP, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, at all. But if your FI doesn't have your back in discussions with/about his family, he's setting you up for a world of hurt. You will ALWAYS come in second, or third, or fourth, or wherever he feels like placing you after his family. You're not starting a competition, you want the same respect from him that he gives his family.
I realize this invite/engagement party has nothing to do with true etiquette issues. It's an issue with his family and him. Your FI should have your back. You are getting married, and he needs to make a separation here.
I've been there, and it stinks beyond measure. I ended my a relationship before my now FI because he never had my back. All I heard was "blood is thicker than water", and even when his sister literally tried to fight me (not with me, she actually took a swing at me), he still said he had to side with her cause she's family. I exited, stage right. Not saying that you're in that situation,but if he's not looking out for you now, when will he?
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:9cd7a22d-6e64-44bc-ab42-116e24bdcf36">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : All of this makes me feel really sad for you. How is it that your FI's parents are making wedding demands, yet it's your parents who are paying for your wedding? They're the ones that determine the budget, NOT FILs. How do they keep upgrading things? I really don't know what advice to give you on this. I don't have difficult ILs and my H has always been behind me. I just feel really sorry for you at this point. And I don't mean to sound patronizing when I say that. It just makes me sad to hear about these things happening. Your FI could 100% fix these things, but he won't, for your sake. What does that tell you? Where do you stand with him really? Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>You don't sound patronizing at all, I understand what you mean. It makes me feel sad, too. </div><div> </div><div>They upgrade everything by getting into fh's mind. They tell him "if you don't upgrade x, people will think your wedding is cheap and that's all they'll remember you for. Is that what you want?" And then he freaks out because he has issues with money (he's the type that spends money on ever gadget that comes out because he believes it makes him happy), and starts to fully believe that he absolutely NEEDS whatever his parents want. But before his parents got their claws in, he didn't have that desire to upgrade.</div><div> </div><div>If we could move to some beach in the middle of nowhere for the rest of our lives, everything would be amazing. I wish we could all get along because I never had any drama before I was a part of his family. When we were dating and our families didn't know everything was spectacular. I miss that...</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:0f797ad8-c7c2-4034-84cd-ddfead361601">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Yeah, I'd say you're kind of stuck. Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
Not necessarily. If they change plans, don't invite everyone that's been told, then when asked about it, they can say they decided to change things around and with the new plans they were unable to invite everyone they would have liked.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:16fc6fac-2c15-4db0-a54e-52121e64a5c6">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : You don't sound patronizing at all, I understand what you mean. It makes me feel sad, too. They upgrade everything by getting into fh's mind. They tell him "if you don't upgrade x, people will think your wedding is cheap and that's all they'll remember you for. Is that what you want?" And then he freaks out because he has issues with money (he's the type that spends money on ever gadget that comes out because he believes it makes him happy), and starts to fully believe that he absolutely NEEDS whatever his parents want. But before his parents got their claws in, he didn't have that desire to upgrade. If we could move to some beach in the middle of nowhere for the rest of our lives, everything would be amazing. I wish we could all get along because I never had any drama before I was a part of his family. When we were dating and our families didn't know everything was spectacular. I miss that... Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
I feel so badly for you. I really do, this isn't healthy.
I hope you realize they're the ones with issues, not you. Your issue lies in a FI that doesn't have a spine to stand up to his family with, and it's hurting you.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:27fd09d4-f0c3-48c0-aa19-abe9fda9f8fc">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Sweetie, I am so sorry about all of this. And I forsaw a lot of this with my ex-bf, and it was honestly a contibuting factor to end it. I'm not saying you should call off your engagement, but he needs to understand that you are going to be his wife and he needs to have your back. Are your parents planning on paying for everything for the wedding? I would come up with a guest list that has family for both of your and mutual friends. Then splite the remaining 'spots' amongst the families. Like let's say you have 150 family and mutual friends and have room for 50 more. Your parents 15, his parents get 15, you and FI get 20. And if his parents want more, they have to start shelling out money. And not just money for food - money for the invitations, the extra table and linen rentals, extra centerpieces. I have no clue what is right for you. But I know for me that I would not commit to someone who can't stand up for me to his family. I hope everything works out. And if you ever need someone to talk to, please PM me. Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
<div>Both parents have offered to pay, (fh and i are also each contributing 25%), the only difference is that so far my parents have actually paid and we have yet to see a dime from his parents... but they keep saying they're paying.</div><div> </div><div>I told fh the same thing last night. I could deal with his family a lot more effectively if at least I felt like he was in my corner. I guess I'm kind of overcompensating. Since he doesn't put his foot down, I put both feet down and try not to budge when it comes to them. And then... I give in. </div><div> </div><div>Thanks for the PM offer, I might take you up on that one day when things blow up again. ANd thanks for all your replies!</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:3bf6aaa8-0920-401d-b641-49d4cfca97bd">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Not necessarily. If they change plans, don't invite everyone that's been told, then when asked about it, they can say they decided to change things around and with the new plans they were unable to invite everyone they would have liked. Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:a45a8bc7-ab78-4f91-a3dd-9dfa41f240e3">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]Andra, he is choosing - he's choosing them. You guys need to work this out ASAP, or you are headed for serious heartache. Try pre-marital counseling. Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
<div>That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. </div><div> </div><div>Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. </div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:439d724e-ab53-4de9-83d4-2e26f92443a9">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I feel so badly for you. I really do,<strong> this isn't healthy</strong>. I hope you realize they're the ones with issues, not you. <strong>Your issue lies in a FI that doesn't have a spine to stand up to his family with, and it's hurting you. </strong>Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
This, seriously. Andra, if he's putting his family's and outsiders' opinions of your plans before your thoughts and opinions, you have a major problem, and that's exactly what he's doing. I can tell you right now, if <em>anyone</em>, FILs included, told my FI they thought something we wanted to do was "cheap" or not good enough, he'd laugh in their face, because we made the decisions for our wedding <em>together</em> and he has the confidence to trust in what we've chosen. Your FI sounds like he cares a lot more about what everyone else might think than about what you think - having grown up with a father with that unfortunate personality trait, I can tell you that it's a really negative, destructive quality, and you will be in for a world of hurt if it isn't addressed NOW.
ETA: And if he refuses to talk about it, that's an even BIGGER problem. You need to demand couples counseling - if I were you, I'd tell him if he doesn't go, the wedding's off. You cannot, cannot leave this unaddressed. If you can't deal with this issue for yourself, do it for any future children you may have with this man, because I guarantee you that how he treats you is a preview of how he'll treat them.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_intimate-engagement-party-not-inviting-fbils-gf-that-we-dont-really-know?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e9ec9368-7f78-4bb1-9ab0-17525d9a2605Post:af9b9334-3107-44cb-9361-ac5a96f2bb0a">Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Please feel free to PM me anytime, he needs a come to Jesus talk. Because if he doesn't have your back against his family then it's only going to get worse. Say you have a child and you like the name Beth but FMIL likes Rose is he going to say "Yes let's name her Rose." FI and I had to come to a huge agreement, because he never said no either and financially it almost ruined him and now we are in debt because of it and FMIL owes us about 5 grand. I know it'll be hard, but he has to man up and say, "Family, Andra is going to be my wife we are starting our own family together." Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>Thanks, Mari0225, for letting me know that I can PM you about these things. I try not to tell my girlfriends anything about this because I don't want gossip floating back to his family's ears and then they'd have more against me.</div><div> </div><div>The one time we brought up that we'll be our own family, fmil was quick to point out that "brothers and family are forever, wives are temporary", and that even if i didn't do anything wrong (which she doubts) i should "apologize to fbil because he's mad and I shouldnt get between brothers". </div><div> </div><div>Has your fh stood up to your FILs for the 5 grand? how did that work out?</div><div> </div>
Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I'm not having any other kind of pre-wedding party. Where we're from, an engagement party is just as important as the wedding, and it's meant to be a very close and intimate gathering (people don't bring dates or anything to this since it's usually family-only... when fsil got married I wasn't invited and we had already been dating for 2 years, and I had know the family for 10 years).
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Oh okay, yeah my family has never done engagement parties, so I understand about the culture differences.
Wow and you weren't invited? Gosh my feelings would've been hurt, but like you said it's a different culture.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I am definitely sore over that. They have a lot more people they invited and it all comes down on me cutting the 3 people I wanted there because it would also be against etiquette to uninvite people. I fully agree that a social unit needs to be invited together, and I would have if he had told me just to avoid all this drama. We told him about the venue, and said that we chose a small one that only fits our closest group. <strong>He still didn't say anything like "Well, just remember to put my gf down, too"</strong>
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Probably because he figured his GF was part of the "closest group" since you know, she's his GF. Pretty close to him.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : 1) Etiquette is etiquette, no matter what the culture. 2) Did he really give you the silent treatment? Or did he just not even think you would be so rude as to not invite his GF so he didn't think it was necessary to ask for her to be invited when told about the party? 3) Maybe your parents, FI's parents, and FI shouldn't have spouted off about the location and event until invitations actually went out. Why did they tell everyone about it in the first place? 4) I sort of agree with Rachers in that you should just invite everyone. Odds are not all 31 people are going to show. 5) We're a bunch of strangers on an internet forum. What made you think we were going to "have your back", especially on the etiquette board?
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>(2) he hasnt spoken to me for over a year, unless i directly ask him something in front of people, in which case he answers with the minimum amount of words and without even looking at me.</div><div>
</div><div>(3) i 10000% agree that no one should have said anything about the invites until they were out, and I told them that was a bad move on their part. I didn't say anything to my friends, and it seems like I get the lovely reward of having to cut someone off my list of 3 people because of that.</div><div>
</div><div>(4) I will take Rachel's advice if we can't find another venue, and hope for the best.</div><div>
</div><div>(5) THis forum has usually been amazing for me, and the ladies have usually been super ncie to each other. I've never really felt pummeled until now.
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Actually, I think the last time she posted, it was about a having two wedding ceremonies, which here, is a huge no-no. It's quite different in her culture, though, and led to a really interesting conversation about her culture. That's why I remember her.
Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]
Yeah that's how I remember her as well. I love learning about new cultures.
OP I remember the 2 wedding post. I just don't think this scenario falls under "cultural differences". It's etiquette plain and simple.
It sounds like there's way more than just the FBIL and his GF. You have issues with your FI's entire family and it's spilling out into this situation. Are you going to take all of that out on your FBIL and his GF?
"Halloween may have loose women scantily clad...
But Christmas has a pregnant virgin.
Way cooler." - anna.oskar
[QUOTE]Trust me I know about difficult in-laws and honestly the only reason FI and I are still together is because he has always had my back against his grandmother and sister. Thankfully FMIL likes me at least. I hope you have a sit down with your FI and he has your back, because if things are like this now they will get worse when it comes time to do the invitations and he needs to put his foot down for you.
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]
<div>Well the way things are with FH is definitely a huge problem between us. He never says no to his family because he thinks it's rude (and I mean never says no... that's why we're overbudget with out wedding and it's still over a year away! His parents keep adding upgrades and he is 100% in accordance with them). So he always expects me to make cuts and understand.</div><div>
</div><div>Even for the wedding, I only have 10 friends (including their SO's) on my guest list, and the total guest list is at 300 now becaus he wants a ton of friends and his family invited everyone here AND everyone in europe. They actually called them all up and gave them all the details, just like they did with our engegement party. </div><div>
</div><div>FH and I don't fight about anything but his family, and when that's the topic it's crazy and very heated. When I tell him he needs to have my back, too, since we're going to be a unit now, he says that I'm just starting a competition and he doesn't want to choose. I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to at least have my back once in a while, like he always does for them.</div><div>
</div><div>And I'm being really honest when I say that his family is the ONLY thing we've ever fought over. Whenever they're not around, we have an amazing time together.</div>
[QUOTE]Rachers if the restaurant sets the table or tables for 30 people and there's an extra person. It will be pretty obvious that there's more than 30 people there. No counting necessary. OP I remember the 2 wedding post. I just don't think this scenario falls under "cultural differences". It's etiquette plain and simple. It sounds like there's way more than just the FBIL and his GF. You have issues with your FI's entire family and it's spilling out into this situation. Are you going to take all of that out on your FBIL and his GF?
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>I really don't want to. I realize that I'm not bending over backwards out of resentment for the way fbil has been acting, and I will fully admit to that. I just feel like I'm always the one to loose out when it comes to them. They add expenses, I cut on what's important to me. They add 50 people to our guestlist (and acutally call everone up and invite them and give them all the details- date, time, place), and I have to cut down on my wedding dress costs, cut down on centerpieces and decor, my friends, the menu, etc, because it's rude to not give these people an invitiation after they've been verbally invited with all the details.</div>
[QUOTE]Our guest list has grown by about 30 people thanks to the fh and family casually inviting people and now we're looking at having to cut others who haven't recieved an invitation because of these extras who never even made the long list.
Posted by ambergio[/QUOTE]
You don't have to cut your guest list b/c family members can't shut up - Unless they've received an invitation/STD or have been verbally invited <strong>by the host</strong> they are not yet invited. You can stick to your original guest list and make it clear that whoever verbally invited people not on the guest list needs to go back to them and apologize for the misunderstanding and let them know that they should not have extend the invitation in the first place.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Well the way things are with FH is definitely a huge problem between us. He never says no to his family because he thinks it's rude (and I mean never says no... that's why we're overbudget with out wedding and it's still over a year away! His parents keep adding upgrades and he is 100% in accordance with them). So he always expects me to make cuts and understand. Even for the wedding, I only have 10 friends (including their SO's) on my guest list, and the total guest list is at 300 now becaus he wants a ton of friends and his family invited everyone here AND everyone in europe. They actually called them all up and gave them all the details, just like they did with our engegement party. FH and I don't fight about anything but his family, and when that's the topic it's crazy and very heated. When I tell him he needs to have my back, too, since we're going to be a unit now, he says that I'm just starting a competition and he doesn't want to choose. I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to at least have my back once in a while, like he always does for them. And I'm being really honest when I say that his family is the ONLY thing we've ever fought over. Whenever they're not around, we have an amazing time together.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
All of this makes me feel really sad for you. How is it that your FI's parents are making wedding demands, yet it's your parents who are paying for your wedding? They're the ones that determine the budget, NOT FILs.
How do they keep upgrading things?
I really don't know what advice to give you on this. I don't have difficult ILs and my H has always been behind me. I just feel really sorry for you at this point. And I don't mean to sound patronizing when I say that. It just makes me sad to hear about these things happening. Your FI could 100% fix these things, but he won't, for your sake. What does that tell you? Where do you stand with him really?
Invite 31 people. You are stressing way too much over this. If you don't want to invite 31, you need to invite FBIL's GF.
[QUOTE]If you're paying, why can't you cut out one of your parent's friends? Invitations haven't gone out yet, correct?
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]
<div>I would do that, or make his family make a cut, but they all already told people about the party. And I figure not inviting someone after verbally inviting them is an even bigger line that I don't want to cross.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Well the way things are with FH is definitely a huge problem between us. He never says no to his family because he thinks it's rude (and I mean never says no... that's why we're overbudget with out wedding and it's still over a year away! His parents keep adding upgrades and he is 100% in accordance with them). So he always expects me to make cuts and understand. Even for the wedding, I only have 10 friends (including their SO's) on my guest list, and the total guest list is at 300 now becaus he wants a ton of friends and his family invited everyone here AND everyone in europe. They actually called them all up and gave them all the details, just like they did with our engegement party. FH and I don't fight about anything but his family, and when that's the topic it's crazy and very heated. When I tell him he needs to have my back, too, since we're going to be a unit now, he says that I'm just starting a competition and he doesn't want to choose. I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to at least have my back once in a while, like he always does for them. And I'm being really honest when I say that his family is the ONLY thing we've ever fought over. Whenever they're not around, we have an amazing time together.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
Please feel free to PM me anytime, he needs a come to Jesus talk. Because if he doesn't have your back against his family then it's only going to get worse. Say you have a child and you like the name Beth but FMIL likes Rose is he going to say "Yes let's name her Rose." FI and I had to come to a huge agreement, because he never said no either and financially it almost ruined him and now we are in debt because of it and FMIL owes us about 5 grand. I know it'll be hard, but he has to man up and say, "Family, Andra is going to be my wife we are starting our own family together."
[QUOTE]edielaura : we haven't sent the save the dates yet so in one sense, it is just us who are having to cut and they won't know necessarily. However, we have asked everyone for their address so I suspect they're all expecting one now. On the other hand, I understand how the original poster is feeling over having to cut someone important to her because of someone else inviting a casual friend/acquiantance.
Posted by ambergio[/QUOTE]
<div>Thanks, Amberigio. I understand that they've been dating for a few months, and if he would have spoken up to either fh or me, this would not have been an issue at all because we wouldn't have gone with this venue in the first place.</div><div>
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Well the way things are with FH is definitely a huge problem between us. He never says no to his family because he thinks it's rude (and I mean never says no... that's why we're overbudget with out wedding and it's still over a year away! His parents keep adding upgrades and he is 100% in accordance with them). So he always expects me to make cuts and understand. Even for the wedding, I only have 10 friends (including their SO's) on my guest list, and the total guest list is at 300 now becaus he wants a ton of friends and his family invited everyone here AND everyone in europe. They actually called them all up and gave them all the details, just like they did with our engegement party. FH and I don't fight about anything but his family, and when that's the topic it's crazy and very heated. When I tell him he needs to have my back, too, since we're going to be a unit now, he says that I'm just starting a competition and he doesn't want to choose. I'm not asking him to choose, I'm asking him to at least have my back once in a while, like he always does for them. And I'm being really honest when I say that his family is the ONLY thing we've ever fought over. Whenever they're not around, we have an amazing time together.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
OP, I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer here, at all. But if your FI doesn't have your back in discussions with/about his family, he's setting you up for a world of hurt. You will ALWAYS come in second, or third, or fourth, or wherever he feels like placing you after his family. You're not starting a competition, you want the same respect from him that he gives his family.
I realize this invite/engagement party has nothing to do with true etiquette issues. It's an issue with his family and him. Your FI should have your back. You are getting married, and he needs to make a separation here.
I've been there, and it stinks beyond measure. I ended my a relationship before my now FI because he never had my back. All I heard was "blood is thicker than water", and even when his sister literally tried to fight me (not with me, she actually took a swing at me), he still said he had to side with her cause she's family. I exited, stage right. Not saying that you're in that situation,but if he's not looking out for you now, when will he?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : All of this makes me feel really sad for you. How is it that your FI's parents are making wedding demands, yet it's your parents who are paying for your wedding? They're the ones that determine the budget, NOT FILs. How do they keep upgrading things? I really don't know what advice to give you on this. I don't have difficult ILs and my H has always been behind me. I just feel really sorry for you at this point. And I don't mean to sound patronizing when I say that. It just makes me sad to hear about these things happening. Your FI could 100% fix these things, but he won't, for your sake. What does that tell you? Where do you stand with him really?
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
<div>You don't sound patronizing at all, I understand what you mean. It makes me feel sad, too. </div><div>
</div><div>They upgrade everything by getting into fh's mind. They tell him "if you don't upgrade x, people will think your wedding is cheap and that's all they'll remember you for. Is that what you want?" And then he freaks out because he has issues with money (he's the type that spends money on ever gadget that comes out because he believes it makes him happy), and starts to fully believe that he absolutely NEEDS whatever his parents want. But before his parents got their claws in, he didn't have that desire to upgrade.</div><div>
</div><div>If we could move to some beach in the middle of nowhere for the rest of our lives, everything would be amazing. I wish we could all get along because I never had any drama before I was a part of his family. When we were dating and our families didn't know everything was spectacular. I miss that...</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Yeah, I'd say you're kind of stuck.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
Not necessarily. If they change plans, don't invite everyone that's been told, then when asked about it, they can say they decided to change things around and with the new plans they were unable to invite everyone they would have liked.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : You don't sound patronizing at all, I understand what you mean. It makes me feel sad, too. They upgrade everything by getting into fh's mind. They tell him "if you don't upgrade x, people will think your wedding is cheap and that's all they'll remember you for. Is that what you want?" And then he freaks out because he has issues with money (he's the type that spends money on ever gadget that comes out because he believes it makes him happy), and starts to fully believe that he absolutely NEEDS whatever his parents want. But before his parents got their claws in, he didn't have that desire to upgrade. If we could move to some beach in the middle of nowhere for the rest of our lives, everything would be amazing. I wish we could all get along because I never had any drama before I was a part of his family. When we were dating and our families didn't know everything was spectacular. I miss that...
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
I feel so badly for you. I really do, this isn't healthy.
I hope you realize they're the ones with issues, not you. Your issue lies in a FI that doesn't have a spine to stand up to his family with, and it's hurting you.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Sweetie, I am so sorry about all of this. And I forsaw a lot of this with my ex-bf, and it was honestly a contibuting factor to end it. I'm not saying you should call off your engagement, but he needs to understand that you are going to be his wife and he needs to have your back. Are your parents planning on paying for everything for the wedding? I would come up with a guest list that has family for both of your and mutual friends. Then splite the remaining 'spots' amongst the families. Like let's say you have 150 family and mutual friends and have room for 50 more. Your parents 15, his parents get 15, you and FI get 20. And if his parents want more, they have to start shelling out money. And not just money for food - money for the invitations, the extra table and linen rentals, extra centerpieces. I have no clue what is right for you. But I know for me that I would not commit to someone who can't stand up for me to his family. I hope everything works out. And if you ever need someone to talk to, please PM me.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]
<div>Both parents have offered to pay, (fh and i are also each contributing 25%), the only difference is that so far my parents have actually paid and we have yet to see a dime from his parents... but they keep saying they're paying.</div><div>
</div><div>I told fh the same thing last night. I could deal with his family a lot more effectively if at least I felt like he was in my corner. I guess I'm kind of overcompensating. Since he doesn't put his foot down, I put both feet down and try not to budge when it comes to them. And then... I give in. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the PM offer, I might take you up on that one day when things blow up again. ANd thanks for all your replies!</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Not necessarily. If they change plans, don't invite everyone that's been told, then when asked about it, they can say they decided to change things around and with the new plans they were unable to invite everyone they would have liked.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]
Very good point.
[QUOTE]Andra, he is choosing - he's choosing them. You guys need to work this out ASAP, or you are headed for serious heartache. Try pre-marital counseling.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]
<div>That's exactly how I feel... he is choosing them. I don't want him to have to pick, but I do want at least equal consideration and protection. </div><div>
</div><div>Whenever I try to work this out and talk to him (nicely, no yelling or anything, at a time that we're both in a good mood), he shuts down and ignores me, and then gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : I feel so badly for you. I really do,<strong> this isn't healthy</strong>. I hope you realize they're the ones with issues, not you. <strong>Your issue lies in a FI that doesn't have a spine to stand up to his family with, and it's hurting you.
</strong>Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]
This, seriously. Andra, if he's putting his family's and outsiders' opinions of your plans before your thoughts and opinions, you have a major problem, and that's exactly what he's doing. I can tell you right now, if <em>anyone</em>, FILs included, told my FI they thought something we wanted to do was "cheap" or not good enough, he'd laugh in their face, because we made the decisions for our wedding <em>together</em> and he has the confidence to trust in what we've chosen. Your FI sounds like he cares a lot more about what everyone else might think than about what you think - having grown up with a father with that unfortunate personality trait, I can tell you that it's a really negative, destructive quality, and you will be in for a world of hurt if it isn't addressed NOW.
ETA: And if he refuses to talk about it, that's an even BIGGER problem. You need to demand couples counseling - if I were you, I'd tell him if he doesn't go, the wedding's off. You cannot, cannot leave this unaddressed. If you can't deal with this issue for yourself, do it for any future children you may have with this man, because I guarantee you that how he treats you is a preview of how he'll treat them.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Intimate engagement party- not inviting fbil's gf that we don't really know? : Please feel free to PM me anytime, he needs a come to Jesus talk. Because if he doesn't have your back against his family then it's only going to get worse. Say you have a child and you like the name Beth but FMIL likes Rose is he going to say "Yes let's name her Rose." FI and I had to come to a huge agreement, because he never said no either and financially it almost ruined him and now we are in debt because of it and FMIL owes us about 5 grand. I know it'll be hard, but he has to man up and say, "Family, Andra is going to be my wife we are starting our own family together."
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks, Mari0225, for letting me know that I can PM you about these things. I try not to tell my girlfriends anything about this because I don't want gossip floating back to his family's ears and then they'd have more against me.</div><div>
</div><div>The one time we brought up that we'll be our own family, fmil was quick to point out that "brothers and family are forever, wives are temporary", and that even if i didn't do anything wrong (which she doubts) i should "apologize to fbil because he's mad and I shouldnt get between brothers". </div><div>
</div><div>Has your fh stood up to your FILs for the 5 grand? how did that work out?</div><div>
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