Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???

trisha_nybn · July 2010

So FI and I were planning to rent. However, when we calculated the renting cost vs. the buying cost, it's only a little less. His parents offered to lend us some money for down payment. So we thought why not, since with their help, we will have just enough for a 20% down.
We have been looking at houses for 2 weeks now. I just found out today FI and his mom had had a talk without me, and she suggested he left me out of this. Our agent asked if both names go on the paper. FI said "just my name." I don't think I would even find out about this until the day he signs the paper.
So we had a huge fight after. Just because the amount that he is putting in (and his parents') is much more than mine, he doesn't think it's unreasonable for him to ask me to still help him pay monthly for the house and to pay back his parents slowly and still NOT be part of the house- as in, my name will not be in the papers. I don't see any part of this is reasonable. Do you? I cannot justify with someone who is being so unreasonable.

I cried justifing this with him. He said I am being unreasonable. How could anyone see this as a fair thing???

ms_teach · July 2010

So... is he expecting you to pay half the mortgage each month? If so, I'd want my name on the papers OR some type of prenup agreement saying I'd be able to get my share back out of the house. Not very romantic, but...

Nebb · July 2010

Um no, he needs to realize that once youre married whats his is yours and vice versa, your money is his money and so on and so forth. He is being a diick, and so is his mom.

megk8oz · July 2010

Oh hell-f*cking-no!

If he wants you to contribute to paying for the house, then your name belongs on the deed.

Furthermore, if he wants you to be his wife, then he shouldn't be having secret conversations that exclude you with his mommy regarding making major financial decisions.

september's bride · July 2010

Considering without your contribution he likely wouldn't have 20% to put down, hell yes I'd be putting my name on that mortgage.

DH and I bought a house before we got married and both names are on all the documents. It's good protection for both parties involved.

MeaghanandMichael · July 2010

Red flag alert. Sorry, I know this sucks, but the fact that he is into this scares me.

susieq87 · July 2010

No. Absolutly not! I think he is being unreasonable and selfish. If he is going to marry you but not own a house with you, than there is something wrong there. And for them to talk about your future house plans with out you there is not right at all. I would be pissed, but that is just me.

crys-crys · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:d013f43c-83c4-49b8-9203-f44ee9e36187">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't buy a home with him until you have a long ass conversation with him about having a secret talk with his mom. Renting for another year might be a good move for the two of you. You two need to be on the same financial page or things will get ugly.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Very much this. If he isn't willing to sign both your names on the deed and he didn't even discuss this with you before talking to the broker then you shouldn't buy the house.

JennaV26 · July 2010

Your name should be on that mortgage. Once you convince him of that you need to have a talk with him about thinking for himself and not letting his parents into your relationship and your business.

SarahSmile23 · July 2010

it's not only a joint ass, it's your largest joint asset. there is NO reason for your name to not be on it. wtf?

SarahSmile23 · July 2010

and his mom is a biitch for butting in and starting this mess.

tidetravel · July 2010

Just tell him to go ahead and add mommy's name to the mortgage. And then get your own place. Jerkwad.

stacy&tige · July 2010

I would seriously re-evaluate your relationship...I hate to say it but the fact that he doesn't want your name on a home you'll, in theory, live in for a while as a married couple is a rather large red flag. One you can't afford to ignore.

Nip this situation in the bud...pronto. Talk to your FI and get to the bottom of this situation. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, move into a home only he owns. There is no security for you if something should happen to him or between you and him.

If he expects you to pay for any of it demand your name on the papers.

katiewhompus · July 2010

Absolutely not. Not only would I suggest that you not buy this house but I would seriously re-evaluate the relationship. Even when just dating Scott and I would consult each other before making purchases (while living together) and the fact that he was willing to keep this secret from you is absolutely ridiculous. You do not keep secrets from your spouse, especially not secrets that huge.

zippityb · July 2010

Yeah, that's some BS. Granted, FI and I live in a house that I own (my parents are also on the mortgage -- they helped be qualify for my home loan when I was 22). We'll live here for another few years and then when we move elsewhere, we'll put his name on it. But, I bought this house 2 years before I even met him; it was not a joint decision. I'd be pissed if he did something like that without me. This isn't the 1950's.

katiewhompus · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:a4a964c3-7ec7-4f7d-9dae-a23f7a37805f">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, that's some BS. Granted, FI and I live in a house that I own (my parents are also on the mortgage -- they helped be qualify for my home loan when I was 22). We'll live here for another few years and then when we move elsewhere, we'll put his name on it. But, I bought this house 2 years<strong> before I even met him; it was not a joint decision</strong>. I'd be pissed if he did something like that without me. This isn't the 1950's.
Posted by zippityb[/QUOTE]

That's the kicker for me. I mean, I have things in my name and so does Scott, but most were for things that happened before the other one, such as his car or bike. We did put my car under his name but that was only because 1) He gets a substantial GM discount and 2 ) One less thing to change my name on 3 months before the wedding.

If you contribute money to the downpayment I do agree in some kind of prenup or other contract stating that in the event of a broken engagement the money you put in will be returned to your account,

deepcovejackie · July 2010

Yeah. No. If you're contributing to the mortgage, then you go on the title. Just do it so that "mummy" is 50% owner, and each of you are 25% owner. You need a lawyer to work this out. This is a real estate deal, not a marital issue.

I hope it works out.

Beachy730 · July 2010

I'll start off by saying that I think its complete BS and a huge red flag as everyone else said that he had this secret conversation with his mom and agreed to it, and never discussed it with you. Seriously I probably would have went psycho on FI for that.

Giving him possibly the benefit of the doubt, is he talking about the mortgage, or the house deed? When FI and I were going to buy a house (not worth it now since we will only be in the area for a year and a half), he was going to be the only one on the mortgage. Thats what the bank basically told us we had to do since I had gotten laid off from my teaching job and didn't have a job lined up where we are moving. Which was totally fine with me since I was considered a risk to them for that, regardless of my excellent credit. But FI and I had already discussed that my name would be added to the title at the closing and I would absolutely be on all the house paperwork just not the mortgage.

Honestly thats the only way I can maybe say its okay what FI is doing, but even if that is the case its total crap how he went behind your back like that. If he doesn't want to put your name on the deed or anything, honestly I would question your relationship (sorry to say it). He is entering into a marriage with you and committing to spending his life with you. I'm looking at it as him and his mom are already looking into the future of your marriage as to basically make it easier on you when you get a divorce. Thats a huge red flag IMO.

Nobody exactly knows your situation or can tell you what to do. But if I was in your situation I would be questioning how serious he is about this marriage if he's already thinking about making it easier for when you divorce, or refuse to pay a penny towards the house unless your name is on it.

mocha beans · July 2010

the only reason I could see it being reasonable to not have you on the mortgage, but still contributing to the downpayment and payments, is if you have bad credit which could possibly screw up the deal. Otherwise, no, you are not being unreasonable. He and his mom are being dickwads. All decisions of this magnitude need to be discussed with you, not with his mom in secret meetings. That's bull, and a redflag.

Talk to the bank about what the options are. If you get the same deal on the mortgage with or without your name on it, then you need to be on it. Or else get a prenup written up that protects every penny you put into the house without your name. If he and his mom are going to be covering his back in the event of something bad, you need to also. Two can play that game.

vegasgroom · July 2010

I'd be interested in hearing his logic behind this whole thing; only thing I can come up with is mom worrying about protecting her interest in the house she's helping 'him' purchase should something not work out with you. Not a great outlook to have but I don't see any other reason to do something like that.

mica178 · July 2010

I think it's weird that he had that conversation and made that decision without you. You are about to be his wife.

At a minimum, you need a prenup. If you contributed to the downpayment (no matter how small an amount) and will be paying part of the mortgage, your name should be on the title. If he plans on doing everything separate from you, then he'll need to repay whatever you gave him for the downpayment, and you'll need to pay him rent that he can apply to the mortgage. Even in that case, he'll need a prenup to "protect" his property from you.

All in all, this is a funny situation. Tread lightly. And ask yourself what kind of a man makes these kinds of sketchy decisions and springs them on you in front of a real estate agent.

luckyme502 · July 2010

No, no, no!!! Even if I contribute nothing and I am not on the mortgage paperwork, I will be on the deed to the house. You can do that, at least here in VA. There is no way I would buy a house with FI and not be on that deed.

Blueyed228 · July 2010

When you say paper do you mean deed or mortgage?

If you are not going to be on the mortgage and he (his mom) is contributing the down payment, I dont see an issue with you not being on the deed.

If something happens and things dont work out, if he is the only one on the mortgage and you are both on the deed, you own half the house. If you sell it, you get half the profit, but he gets stuck with the whole mortgage. So if the mortgage is 400K and you sell the house for 400K, you each get 200K but he still owes the bank 400K and you get to walk free with your 200K. I would understand him wanting to protect himself. Not very romantic, but realistic.

If you are going to be on the mortgage, then yes, I would have an issue not being on the deed.

trisha_nybn · July 2010

Thanks, ladies. I'm so glad you didn't find me out of line here. He kept telling me that I was being unreasonable. I didn't know if I had missed something because I was only looking at this from one perspective.

Blueyed228- My name is not on the mortgage. I was laid off last year. We thought it woudn't look good trying to get a loan. So FI's idea was to see of he could qualify without me first. He did, so we went ahead. This is the part I am fighting- he wants me to contribute to the down payment, help him pay monthly, and help him pay back the loan (which his mom uses to say they have a bigger part in this investment) from his parents, and asks that my name does not go on the title. It is like asking me to pay for a house that I don't owe and pay back a loan that wasn't mine. Oh yeah, I said all this to FI and he sided with his mom and said I was being unreasonable!

quotequeen · July 2010

I haven't read all the posts carefully, and I have to run, so I'm posting this quickly, but I'm doing so because I appear to have the opposite perspective from everybody else.

I am in the process of buying a condo and only my name is going on the deed/mortgage even though FI and I will be married in October. There is absolutely zero chance that I would ever buy a house jointly with somebody I was not already married to. It's a recipe for disaster and I have seen a lot of instances of it going horribly wrong on another message board I post on.

FI will not be contributing to the down payment and I wouldn't ask him to, but he will of course be contributing to the mortgage in the form of paying me rent up until we are actually married. There is no reason he should be living for free just because I own and he doesn't.

playtntsbpg30 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_please-knock-senses-meor-am-being-reasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:7e2b9873-ea71-42f6-b46f-629da10d32e3Post:8e1519ae-00ca-4d62-9742-38af584eff6c">Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???</a>:
[QUOTE]
<strong>Oh hell-f*cking-no!
</strong> If he wants you to contribute to paying for the house, then your name belongs on the deed. Furthermore, if he wants you to be his wife, then he shouldn't be having secret conversations that exclude you with his mommy regarding making major financial decisions.
Posted by megk8oz[/QUOTE]

THIS!!

Sloane99 · July 2010

Like PP stated, there may be valid reasons for having just one name on the mortgage or deed. In our circumstance, currently FI is on the deed of the land for the place we're in the process of building, but because he lived out of the country for most of his life and hasn't established credit here I may be the one that is on the mortgage when we actually go to purchase. We have live in a no-fault area so if anything was to happen, the place would be split 50/50, so I guess it doesn't matter too much. Either way, we are both contributing to the house and the mortgage so we will probably put both names on the deed when the time comes.

My issue with your situation is not so much the names on deed/mortgage whatever, because it makes sense if you were laid off to leave you off the mortgage but it sounds like from his "secret" conversation with Mommy that he's actually more concerned about protecting HER interest in the purchase of this asset than YOURS. Huge red flag

goheels05 · July 2010

Ok, I was in the hell no camp until I read what Blue said and read your response. In that case, I would be ok with not being on the deed but he cannot expect you to help with the downpayment and mortgage payments. Instead, draw up a lease agreement where you are sort of his roommate renting space from him. But you shouldn't have to pay half because you're not going to have any ownership in the house until you are married. I think 1/3 would be reasonable.

Knittibell · July 2010

YIKES!

As someone who was married and then widowed in a year, this is a HUGE PROBLEM!! Fi bought our house when we were dating, we chose it together, furnished it together- he just paid for it, but he made a LOT more than I did. it was "our" house and shortly after we were married we had started looking into something a bit bigger, so it was never a big deal for my name to be on it- neither of us cared- until he died. And I had to jump through HOOP after f'ing HOOP to get it all sorted out (all during the WORST time in my life) because my name wasn't on the house, even though I was his wife- total NIGHTMARE. BOTH names should be on the house, and be sure to get enough life insurance so that you can each pay off the mortgage should one of your die. Also get your wills done. Seriously.

No, you're not over reacting. This is a HUGE slap in the face from both his FI and his Mom- like your marraige won't last long enough for you to be included on formal documents of property ownership? Ugh. Sorry.

goheels05 · July 2010

Knittibell, I am so so sorry that happened to you. What a horrible thing to deal with.

But I must say, thank you for the 2nd reminder this week that I really need to increase our life insurance coverage.

S0095042 · July 2010

my name would be on the papers or my $$$ wouldn't be going in on it, period. So unless you want it to be like your dating/living together and your ok with moving into his home but still being responsible to pay his parents back, i would put my foot down and try to get on the same page with one another.

p.s.
why does his mother have so much influence on his decisions but you don't
--i had an over baring future-mother-in-law but that stoped real quick when there was a big blow up over Christmas...don't let it get that far. It was the worst christmas of my life!

Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???

Re: Please knock some senses into me...or am I being reasonable???

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