The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long

Elle1036 · March 2011

Yesterday, FI and I went to check out an open house at a venue we found online. It was so beautiful I almost cried... so much more than I expected in my wildest dreams. There was nothing I didn't love.

I already knew the cost of the venue (they have it on their website) and I know the average cost of a wedding in our area, so I wasn't surprised by any of the numbers we came across yesterday. A few things were actually more affordable than I expected.

So I can't explain it, but at some point yesterday, it really hit me how much money a wedding costs. I think it had something to do with seeing the venue rental times written down and realizing that that six hours you get on Saturday night is only slightly longer than the amount of time FI and I spent in the car, driving to Austin and back, to go see it.

Also, we were lucky enough to see the ceremony site still decorated from a wedding the previous evening, but we also saw them start to take everything down, and I thought "those flowers weren't even there for 24 hours".

In short, I'm feeling weird. It's not about being able to afford it or not -- we already know that we can. It's just about not being sure if it's even worth it to spend money I could use buying a new car or putting a down payment on a house (or something else a little more permanent) for a party that lasts one day.

I've tried telling myself that it's a "once in a lifetime thing" and that I'm paying for the memories moreso than the actual day, but I still can't shake this feeling.

Did anybody else struggle with feeling like this? How did you reconcile it?

leia1979 · March 2011

I understand what you're saying. When you put it into the context of "the cost of this one day could get us X, Y, and Z," it's tough.

We set a budget that we could live with. Then whenever I feel tempted by the "extras," I go back and think that money could be put to better use. I don't know how to help you reconcile the total, but that thought process will help you resist budget creep. Maybe it will even help you come in under budget.

bourgehm · March 2011

I seriuosly am thinking of having a courthouse wedding with a little reception later with family. Or else having a backyard wedding.

luvdncn90 · March 2011

Although M and i are not engaged yet, we have already discussed the cost of a wedding. It's hard for me to believe that just one day will cost us about the cost a new car. That's unbelievable.

We absolutely refuse to go into debt for a wedding, and we don't plan on asking my parents or his to help us pay. My parents have already mentioned that they are saving for when we do get married but I just don't understand asking them to give me 10,000 or however much they are willing to contribute for one day. If I knew that it wouldn't upset so many people by us eloping, we would just do that. I am trying to convince him that a destination wedding is perfect and cheaper.

So our conclusion to saving us our own money is setting a strict budget and doing a lot of stuff ourselves. I don't plan on using any realy flowers excpet for here and there. How can I drop two grand on flowers that will only survive a day? Invitations are great and everything but I just don't understand forking over all of this money for something that is most likely going to get thrown away. I can save a ton of money and make them myself with the help of my craftier friends and family.

Weddings can be just as beautiful without all of the crazy expenses, in my opinion. However when it comes to finding the perfect venue and reception as long as it's not TOO outrageous and comes with a pretty sweet package, I'm willing to spend some money.

Emmakj · March 2011

I am not engaged yet, but I often think about costs and my future wedding. I used to want a big lavish wedding, and the older I have gotten the more that has changed. I have almost gotten to the point where I almost consider just going to a court house. At the same time I do want the memories and the photos and the family time.

I have a feeling i will struggle with the cost issue. I just plan on being as cheap as possible. I also say that if you can afford it and you have a budget then do what you want with that budget. You don't want to look back and regret not having something.

calindi · March 2011

It's ultimately a judgement call. If you're going to be uncomfortable with spending that much, then there are dozens of ways to have a much less expensive wedding that will still be just as meaningful and fun.

lmwilber · March 2011

I'm not engaged yet, but I can understand how you feel.

I'm sure that there are many ways that you can reconcile the cost of something with your feelings. For example, you mentioned the flowers, why not ask that after your ceremony the flowers be donated to a local nursing home? Your centerpieces can be old books, or floating candles in a bowl with wedding coordinated sea glass on the bottom, it would look lovely and be environmentally friendly. There are tons of cost saving ideas that you can use, not because you have to, but because you want to.

It is one day, its a very special day, and you and Fi should treat yourself in ways you normally wound not. But, that said, you have to be comfortable with what you are spending, and it must have value to you and Fi/H.

Beads921 · March 2011

This is why I no longer think I want a 'traditional' wedding. There is so much more that the money could go towards. I'm afraid I might regret that though. Either way, I'm NEY, so it's a moot point.

I really think it's up to what you and your FI want though. Give yourself some time to think it all over before you decide.

motoLyn · March 2011

Elle, I'm in the same spot you are. I went through the figures to see what it would cost FI and I. And even though we're on track I can't fully commit to the idea that we might be spending this much on a couple of hours. I keep feeling like I"m doing it more for the family, mainly FI's since its the first wedding for his side, its the second for my side. We're in the middle of buying a house. Found a house we love and am putting a bid on it so I feel the money would be better spent on that than a wedding but I know I can find a happy medium. I honestly like seeing FI's face light up when we talk about the wedding in Maui. So all in all I find that I reconcile the notion of spending thousands of dollars on the wedding because I want to see FI's face light up when I walk down that aisle. Its one day to just celebrate a wonderful union with our families. I'm expecting about 35-50 people showing up.

Hazel_B · March 2011

I struggle with this on a daily basis. Particular when I look at the empty room that a new bathroom needs to go into, the other bathroom that needs to be gutted and rennovated, the kitchen that needs to be gutted and rennovated, the hardwood floors that need to be replaced (they are beyond repair, we've tried) and the awful garage whose door is frozen shut right now that we should just tear down and build a new one.

I completely understand Elle. I break it down into chunks, certain things don't feel worth it to me. I adore all things paper, but I know not everyone is like me and that is an area I can cut back and no one will notice. Flowers aren't very important to me. I could go on and on.

The worst part is that I know I have expensive taste and I need to keep myself in check.

loves2shop4shoes · March 2011

I agree with Cate. It's a judgment call. In Portuguese culture, it's expected that you will have a nice, fancy wedding with an open bar,music, and dancing. It's also generally expected that your parents will pay for it. So, I'll be the first person in my family to pay for her own wedding.

FI and I are probably going to end up spending between 15 and 20k on our wedding, which is a lot...but I know myself and I know that there are certain things I'm just not willing to give up to save a few grand.

mana8503 · March 2011

I'm going through sticker shock myself. I had a budget, and when you're just talking about it it's fine... but MAN when it's time to start writing checks I get nervous. I don't like parting with my money. I did the same with when I put the down payment for the house.

I knew I wanted to splurge on the photog, but now I'm like UH is it really nessecary to be THAT much?! We have a good amount saved already, and 20 months to save the rest (I hope to have it saved in full in 12 months). We are already buying our house, and I just got a promotion that should off set the additional house cost... that's helped me some.

jemmini6 · March 2011

I went through sticker shock when we first started researching. In all honesty, I really wanted a small wedding in Hawaii with just our immediate families there. But there's not even the slightest chance that my immediate family could afford to go to Hawaii and I was unwilling to give up having them there (nor could I afford flights/hotel/rental car for everyone), so now we are doing a wedding for about 80 people locally. It's still a little disturbing to me to think of all the things we could do with the money we are spending on our wedding, but I think it will be worth it to have everyone there to celebrate with us and have a good time. We'll always make more money and will be able to buy all the other stuff later, but we're only getting married once.

NurseyK · March 2011

I am def struggling. Even though I'm NEY, we have decided on something on the cheap side, maybe an afternoon wedding on a Sunday with backyard cocktail reception. We have family/friends in both the photography and catering business, who as attendants, will be able to help us. I'm trying to force myself to not obsess over details and DIY projects until we are engaged AND have a date set. We're hoping to keep it under $5K.

peekaboo2011 · March 2011

We don't have a budget yet, but we're trying to figure out what on earth the rough cost is going to be. And, the calendar in my head went off this morning, so I poked around. The cheapest place for what we wanted in the DC area was something like $16 grand. And mom has friends who have already shelled out 40. HOLY CRAP. I almost died when I got the email.

My dad didn't help matters when we talked this morning and he was like "Well, you should only have to spend $3000-$5000. Thanks Dad, now welcome to the 21st century, where the average cost of a wedding is now somewhere between a car and a house.

Elle1036 · March 2011

Thanks for the understanding, everyone. I think I just needed to get my thoughts out.

I'm still really excited to plan the wedding, and I still love the venue (going to AW some pictures in a minute), but I think I need to take a step back and let my thoughts settle before I put down a deposit.

Love you guys!

Ember01 · March 2011

I agree. I'm having a hard time with the idea of spending so much money. FI's parents and my parents have insisted on paying for mostly everything, but I realize that it is coming out of their retirement funds. I would be okay with a small, $10k wedding. But, we are doing what will make our parents happy.

And trust me, you would still get the same feelings if you already owned a home. My FI and I are both separate home owners and we still cringe everytime the cost of something is discussed.

mellimel19 · March 2011

Yes, the costs involved with a wedding are a real eye opener, that's for sure! I go back and forth on the issue- sometimes it really pains me to be shelling out so much money for just one day, but on the other hand, this is a day that FI and I only get one chance at, and we want to make it the loveliest day we can, within reason. Ultimately, I feel confident that we will be able to create the vision we want while being as frugal as possible. I have friends who are currently planning their weddings as well, and to see what some other people are spending calms me down about how much we are spending.

TheMutleys · March 2011

I never reconciled it. I still think back about where that money could have gone. I don't think I will ever get over the amount that was spent on a party. (Most of our wedding was paid for by my in-laws. And to be honest, we never calculated the exact total because I did not want to see that amount. I know the ballpark and that amount makes me sick.)

Don't get me wrong. I do not regret our wedding. I loved that day. It was amazing and I will never forget it. However, I do think that I would feel that way no matter what because it was our wedding day. Most of the details that I truly cherish are the ones that cost very little.

I could have had a much smaller, much simpler affair. However, it was important to DH that we have a 'big' family wedding. My compromise was that it could not be a big formal event. We settled on an afternoon reception on a farm with all of our family members and close friends.

My MIL kept upgrading items after we signed contracts (adding more cocktail tables, an extra sheet cake, more flowers, more appetizers, etc.) They were all items that I did like, and she would clear it with me first. I definitely think that she felt that the wedding reflected her as much as us. Plus she shows love through buying things. It is her love language, if you will. It made her ridiculously happy to do these things for us, and since it wasn't harming me any, I kept quiet. (If she had started to cross lines, I would have said something.)

Personally, I feel like weddings have gotten out of control. I think the wedding industry has driven up prices and made brides/families feel like they HAVE to have all of these things in order to have a decent wedding. I also think that weddings are not just about the bride and groom. Sometimes you have to give a little because it isn't about you. I could have married DH in an alley and I would still remember it with fondness. The big reception is for the families. I do think it is about the joining of two families. Plus it is great to gather all of your loved ones in one place to celebrate.

The main thing that I did to help my feelings about all of the money being spent was to do as much DIY as I could. It was my way of having control.

Elle1036 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cost-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fd4c4e6-5f24-4be1-ad29-c1f781d0e4a0Post:3c73f591-c406-4bad-b54e-dac1107352e3">Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long</a>:
[QUOTE]I never reconciled it. I still think back about where that money could have gone. I don't think I will ever get over the amount that was spent on a party. (Most of our wedding was paid for by my in-laws. And to be honest, we never calculated the exact total because I did not want to see that amount. I know the ballpark and that amount makes me sick.) Don't get me wrong. I do not regret our wedding. I loved that day. It was amazing and I will never forget it. However, I do think that I would feel that way no matter what because it was our wedding day. Most of the details that I truly cherish are the ones that cost very little. I could have had a much smaller, much simpler affair. However, it was important to DH that we have a 'big' family wedding. My compromise was that it could not be a big formal event. We settled on an afternoon reception on a farm with all of our family members and close friends. My MIL kept upgrading items after we signed contracts (adding more cocktail tables, an extra sheet cake, more flowers, more appetizers, etc.) They were all items that I did like, and she would clear it with me first. I definitely think that she felt that the wedding reflected her as much as us. Plus she shows love through buying things. It is her love language, if you will. It made her ridiculously happy to do these things for us, and since it wasn't harming me any, I kept quiet. (If she had started to cross lines, I would have said something.) Personally, I feel like weddings have gotten out of control. I think the wedding industry has driven up prices and made brides/families feel like they HAVE to have all of these things in order to have a decent wedding. I also think that weddings are not just about the bride and groom. <strong>Sometimes you have to give a little because it isn't about you</strong>. I could have married DH in an alley and I would still remember it with fondness. The big reception is for the families. I do think it is about the joining of two families. Plus it is great to gather all of your loved ones in one place to celebrate. The main thing that I did to help my feelings about all of the money being spent was to do as much DIY as I could. It was my way of having control.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

This is a good point, and one that I just remembered after I talked to my mom a few minutes ago. I'll try to keep that in mind whenever I start panicking about the price.

snd2879 · March 2011

Like others here, I'm NEY as well. BF and I have just begun our "cohabitation" (as I like to call it) to help in the expenses department of saving money. But the problem is we haven't started saving yet. LOL!! So when I start looking at things online and trying getting an idea of the ballpark figure we need, I kind of stress a little. And he's no better, in fact, he stresses more about it than I do so I just don't discuss it with him right now. LOL!

I just have to remember that he is the love of my life and I don't need all that big fancy schmancy stuff. Don't get me wrong, dream wedding is fit for a princess (aka, Disney CA location and all the trimmings) and I would LOVE to have that. But my priority is sharing my life with Mr. S (BF). If, by the time the ring arrives on my left hand and there has been ample time to plan a wedding, I'm able to have my dream wedding...fatastic!!! If not, as long as I'm marrying Mr. S I'll be fine.

All that to say...I totally understand! LOL!

PlayOn20 · March 2011

I know just what you mean. I get sticker shock all over again when someone posts the cost of their venue or catering and it is so much less than I was able to find in NE. My family knows that I don't want a big fancy wedding but I do want my family and friends there and I want to be a good host. That is not inexpensive to do in my area, even without big flower arrangements, custom linens, photobooths, and all the extras. We own our home already and I keep saying "after the wedding, our next project will be X", because when I think of how much we (and our parents) are paying for the wedding- I remind myself that if I can save this much now- I can do it once the wedding is over for big projects.

AudgiePodge · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cost-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fd4c4e6-5f24-4be1-ad29-c1f781d0e4a0Post:57e3e9b6-6f4f-47cd-97e9-2b72460a6216">Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long</a>:
[QUOTE]Like others here, I'm NEY as well. BF and I have just begun our "cohabitation" (as I like to call it) to help in the expenses department of saving money. But the problem is we haven't started saving yet. LOL!! So when I start looking at things online and trying getting an idea of the ballpark figure we need, I kind of stress a little. And he's no better, in fact, he stresses more about it than I do so I just don't discuss it with him right now. LOL! I just have to remember that he is the love of my life and I don't need all that big fancy schmancy stuff. Don't get me wrong, dream wedding is fit for a princess (aka, Disney CA location and all the trimmings) and I would LOVE to have that. But my priority is sharing my life with Mr. S (BF). If, by the time the ring arrives on my left hand and there has been ample time to plan a wedding, I'm able to have my dream wedding...fatastic!!! If not, as long as I'm marrying Mr. S I'll be fine. :) All that to say...I totally understand! LOL!
Posted by snd2879[/QUOTE]

<div>Is the countdown ticker for your engagement?</div>

alanna91 · March 2011

Ugh... I watch Four Weddings and some of their budgets..?! I just can't understand.

A twenty-four year old on the show had an 80k budget. How is that possible?!

BF and I plan on getting married right after college. There is no way in hell 80k is going to be a realistic budget for us.

My parents will not be able to help out much financially, but I wouldn't expect them to anyway. I wasn't there to help pay for their wedding, why should they pay for mine?

Edit: I don't mean to offend anyone who has parents helping with the cost, this is my opinion on my situation only.

TheMutleys · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cost-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fd4c4e6-5f24-4be1-ad29-c1f781d0e4a0Post:7781515f-bb34-44c2-ac7a-3ab7327d814c">Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long</a>:
[QUOTE] My parents will not be able to help out much financially, but I wouldn't expect them to anyway. <strong>I wasn't there to help pay for their wedding, why should they pay for mine? :p </strong>
Posted by alanna91[/QUOTE]

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/15/0/2f0526af-1fa7-4381-9089-e9c2f84bb8d4.large.gif" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '2f0526af-1fa7-4381-9089-e9c2f84bb8d4', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/15/0/2f0526af-1fa7-4381-9089-e9c2f84bb8d4.medium.gif" alt="" /></a> That makes absolutely no sense.

I get not expecting them to pay. That makes sense. However, the bolded part is lacking in the logic department.

Also, even IF our parents had not helped with our wedding, we would still hope to help our children out.

I am ignoring the NEY chick with the 6 month ticker.

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/1/1/91758cd0-7fe2-4fcf-a1c5-0584e5ec8e8a.large.png" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '91758cd0-7fe2-4fcf-a1c5-0584e5ec8e8a', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/1/1/91758cd0-7fe2-4fcf-a1c5-0584e5ec8e8a.medium.png" alt="" /></a>

Except to show others the nonsense if she deletes her ticker. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" />

alanna91 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cost-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fd4c4e6-5f24-4be1-ad29-c1f781d0e4a0Post:a5708fee-edcf-4777-a3cf-a1f4ed645fea">Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long : That makes absolutely no sense. I get not expecting them to pay. That makes sense. However, the bolded part is lacking in the logic department. Also, even IF our parents had not helped with our wedding, we would still hope to help our children out. I am ignoring the NEY chick with the 6 month ticker. Except to show others the nonsense if she deletes her ticker.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

Yea, I know it doesn't make sense. I figured it was too obviously illogical for anyone to take it serious...
I'm still working on getting sarcasm and mannerism through in internet speak, though.

And as far as helping my future children out if they get married, I plan to. I added at the end that I did not mean to offend anyone and was speaking on my behalf only. I would never expect my parents to scrounge up the money to pay for my wedding...and that's because of the financial situation they're in.

Goldlie11 · March 2011

I read your OP, but didn't read everyone else's comments. I will get to that later.

I wasn't really shocked about the cost of the reception. I knew that most places charge about $100 or more. There were other things that shocked me. Photography (most charge around $3,000+), makeup ($250 is the cheapest I found), and DJs ( which about $1500+ seems the norm) were the most shocking to me.

Ember01 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cost-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fd4c4e6-5f24-4be1-ad29-c1f781d0e4a0Post:2926ba40-92a1-4679-ab32-225b05d7239c">Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long</a>:
[QUOTE]I read your OP, but didn't read everyone else's comments. I will get to that later. I wasn't really shocked about the cost of the reception. I knew that most places charge about $100 or more. There were other things that shocked me. Photography (most charge around $3,000+), makeup ($250 is the cheapest I found), and DJs ( which about $1500+ seems the norm) were the most shocking to me.
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

Holy wow! I know things cost different prices in different locations, but $250 for makeup?! I think I'd do my own or go to a cosmetic counter before I'd pay that price. The photographer and DJ are around the same price here. I'm so sorry to hear that you have to pay that much for something you're going to wash off at the end of the night!

Goldlie11 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cost-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fd4c4e6-5f24-4be1-ad29-c1f781d0e4a0Post:01739990-8e20-469d-92b9-df393aa84c5d">Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long : Holy wow! I know things cost different prices in different locations, but $250 for makeup?! I think I'd do my own or go to a cosmetic counter before I'd pay that price. The photographer and DJ are around the same price here. I'm so sorry to hear that you have to pay that much for something you're going to wash off at the end of the night!
Posted by Ember01[/QUOTE]
I should have made it clear. There is no way in hell I'm paying that. I'd rather do my own than pay that much. I'm getting my makeup done at MAC. But I sure as hell was shocked to find out the price. Actually, I'm paying a little under $2,000 for photos and $1,000 for a DJ. That was after doing quite a bit of shopping.

Ember01 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cost-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5fd4c4e6-5f24-4be1-ad29-c1f781d0e4a0Post:4e03e33c-1bdb-4b1e-9a2c-ff6d5d5ceb1b">Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Cost of a Wedding - somewhat long : I should have made it clear. There is no way in hell I'm paying that. I'd rather do my own than pay that much. I'm getting my makeup done at MAC. But I sure as hell was shocked to find out the price. Actually, I'm paying a little under $2,000 for photos and $1,000 for a DJ. That was after doing quite a bit of shopping.
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

Oh, good! Glad you were able to shop around and find better prices!

Elle1036 · March 2011

Interestingly enough, beauty (hair and makeup) is something I have no qualms about spending money on. I rarely wear more than a dash of mascara and my hair is usually in a ponytail, so I figure I've saved enough (compared to what the average girl spends in hair and makeup products) in my life so far to justify going a little overboard on my wedding day. That may contradict the logic in my original post (and I'm sure Mutley will call me out on it), but it's how I feel. $250? I would do it, but I'm sure I'll find it for cheaper.

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