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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help
I have read through several posts about this that and the other situation on sending save the dates being invitations and how you are incredibly rude if you don't invite people you sent save the dates to. However, I really feel that my situation is different:
I'm still in college, graduating right before the wedding. I have some girlfriends I have only known for a couple of years here that I sent save the dates to. Recently I've had not actual "falling out"s with them but just serious issues. Basically, the bottom line on my guest list was I'm only having people who are genuinely happy for me and care about us, period. No guests, no acquaintences. When I don't feel that way anymore about people, I don't want them there and fiance agrees with me.
I understand wedding etiquette, however, none of my college friends seem to have any idea about wedding etiquette themselves. A group of girls was talking about throwing me a bachelorette party and inviting random people I barely know/who aren't even on the guest list, some girls posted all over facebook when they got my STD, have been asking horribly rude questions...the list goes on.
Since these girls obviously don't know wedding etiquette to begin with, does it really matter at this point? It's not like I'm going to see them after I graduate anyways with the way things are going, and honestly I don't really feel bad about it.
Thoughts, please! And not just STD = invite, because I do know that.
Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Sent out save the dates to college friends and now don't want to invite...help
You told them to save the date, you invite them to the wedding.
You are seriously considering not inviting people who are planning a bachelorette for you?
[QUOTE]I have read through several posts about this that and the other situation on sending save the dates being invitations and how you are incredibly rude if you don't invite people you sent save the dates to<strong>. However, I really feel that my situation is different</strong>: I'm still in college, graduating right before the wedding. I have some girlfriends I have only known for a couple of years here that I sent save the dates to. Recently I've had not actual "falling out"s with them but just serious issues. Basically, the bottom line on my guest list was I'm only having people who are genuinely happy for me and care about us, period. No guests, no acquaintences. When I don't feel that way anymore about people, I don't want them there and fiance agrees with me. I understand wedding etiquette, however, none of my college friends seem to have any idea about wedding etiquette themselves. A group of girls was talking about throwing me a bachelorette party and inviting random people I barely know/who aren't even on the guest list, some girls posted all over facebook when they got my STD, have been asking horribly rude questions...the list goes on. Since these girls obviously don't know wedding etiquette to begin with, does it really matter at this point? It's not like I'm going to see them after I graduate anyways with the way things are going, and honestly I don't really feel bad about it. Thoughts, please! And not just STD = invite, because I do know that. Thanks!
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
No, your situation is not different. Just like 99.9% of the daily posts on this issue.
Not inviting them is a friendship-ending move. And it is incredibly rude... especially considering these women are going through the trouble of planning you a party. You don't like their plans? Decline the party. You said yourself that they "obviously don't know wedding etiquette" - so have you ever thought that perhaps they don't realize what they are asking or have been doing is considered rude?
Anyway, it sucks but you have to invite them.
I'm not even following what they've done "wrong" -- they want to make you a party and were excited to get the STDs? Oh, the horror!
[QUOTE]I have read through several posts about this that and the other situation on sending save the dates being invitations and how you are incredibly rude if you don't invite people you sent save the dates to. However, I really feel that my situation is different: I'm still in college, graduating right before the wedding. I have some girlfriends I have only known for a couple of years here that I sent save the dates to. Recently I've had not actual "falling out"s with them but just serious issues. Basically, the bottom line on my guest list was I'm only having people who are genuinely happy for me and care about us, period. No guests, no acquaintences. When I don't feel that way anymore about people, I don't want them there and fiance agrees with me. I understand wedding etiquette, however, none of my college friends seem to have any idea about wedding etiquette themselves. A group of girls was talking about throwing me a bachelorette party and inviting random people I barely know/who aren't even on the guest list, some girls posted all over facebook when they got my STD, have been asking horribly rude questions...the list goes on. Since these girls obviously don't know wedding etiquette to begin with, does it really matter at this point? It's not like I'm going to see them after I graduate anyways with the way things are going, and honestly I don't really feel bad about it. Thoughts, please! <strong>And not just STD = invite, because I do know that. Thanks!</strong>
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
<div>Also, STD =/= invite. STD = invitation.</div>
That is my contribution to the furtherance of this discussion. YW!
[QUOTE]A couple of valuable responses, thank you. <strong>Please don't be sassy or rude, I think we all come here for help, not attitude</strong>. It's not that I want to be passive agressive and just not invite them to prove a point, it's at this point I don't really want them there in general. I don't want to make people angry. I also didn't even consider that they may show up anyways...good point. Has anyone heard of this happening?
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
Don't tell people how to post.
[QUOTE]The party thing came out totally wrong, please don't think I'm a horrible person. Let me explain more: A couple of close friends wanted to do something over christmas and I was really excited about it! I provided a list of girls to invite when it was requested about 2 months prior to the date. I hadn't heard anything about it so about a week before the supposed plans I asked the girl in charge what was going on, and she said she just hadn't heard from anyone who had originally said they would come. Basically noone responded or picked up their phones when we called to see what was up. There was one girl who said she would come and "bring some friends" but the day before backed out entirely, and that left only two of us...so it went from a party for me to...not. Obviously nothing ended up happening because everyone flaked out and didn't care enough to respond. Maybe I'm just bitter about this, I don't know. But I feel like doing that was incredibly rude and there's no point in inviting them to the wedding now, at this rate they would RSVP yes and then not show up.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
A wedding is a lot different from a party, imo but yes I can see how that would be disappointing and I would be hurt. I think you need to let it go though and move on. Not sending them an invite is still rude and a friendship ending move.
[QUOTE]Binx, your cat is pretty. That is my contribution to the furtherance of this discussion. YW!
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]
Thank you! He's half-Persian so he has a squishy face :)
[QUOTE]No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
Then I have your solution: invite them.
[QUOTE]<strong>SO's are invited in some situations</strong>. Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited. If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs. No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
<div>Clearly the statement you made in your original post about understanding etiquette was false.</div>
[QUOTE]I have read through several posts about this that and the other situation on sending save the dates being invitations and how you are incredibly rude if you don't invite people you sent save the dates to. However, I really feel that my situation is different: I'm still in college, graduating right before the wedding. I have some girlfriends I have only known for a couple of years here that I sent save the dates to. Recently I've had not actual "falling out"s with them but just serious issues. Basically, the bottom line on my guest list was I'm only having people who are genuinely happy for me and care about us, period. No guests, no acquaintences. When I don't feel that way anymore about people, I don't want them there and fiance agrees with me. I understand wedding etiquette, however, none of my college friends seem to have any idea about wedding etiquette themselves. A group of girls was talking about throwing me a bachelorette party and inviting random people I barely know/who aren't even on the guest list, some girls posted all over facebook when they got my STD, have been asking horribly rude questions...the list goes on. Since these girls obviously don't know wedding etiquette to begin with, does it really matter at this point? It's not like I'm going to see them after I graduate anyways with the way things are going, and honestly I don't really feel bad about it. Thoughts, please! <strong>And not just STD = invite, because I do know that. Thanks!
</strong>Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
If you know this, then why are you asking this question? Your situation is not different at all.
[QUOTE]SO's are invited in some situations. <strong>Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited.</strong> If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have <strong>only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates</strong>. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs. No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
RUDE.
FI and I were engaged in less than 8 months of dating. Who are you to tell me that my relationship with him wasn't valid or serious simply because we hadn't been together for more than one year?
EVERYONE who considers themself "in a relationship" should get their SO invited BY NAME. End of story.
Clearly your friends aren't the only ones who either don't know or are choosing to ignore etiquette.
[QUOTE]<strong>SO's are invited in some situations</strong>. Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited. If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs. No I do not want validation, <strong>I want ideas and solutions. </strong>
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
Bolded 1: SO invitations should not be up to your discretion; you invite couples as a couple. Social units should not be invited separately. Some people have an age cutoff, which could be appropriate in your case since many of your friends are still in college. I'm warning you now that this is breaking etiquette and people may flame you for this.
Bolded 2: People are giving you the ideas and solutions that do not break etiquette. We are not going to say its ok not to invite your friends because this is an etiquette board and we are not going to lie to you. PPs have told you again and again that it is rude, and there is no polite solution unless you invite these people. Alternately, you could not invite them, and probably end the friendships.
[QUOTE]SO's are invited in some situations. Basically, I decided who could bring a date and who couldn't based on the group invited. If it's a group of girls who all know each other and will definitely have people to sit with and talk to and they have only been dating someone for a <year, they aren't invited to bring dates. People who are married are obviously invited even if I don't know their spouse. Old friends who may not know many people can bring SOs. No I do not want validation, I want ideas and solutions.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry, but you clearly don't understand etiquette at all. If someone is in a relationship at the time that invitations go out, they get invited with their SO by name (not by and guest). A relationship is a relationship whether it is 8 days long or 8 years long. A wedding is not an opportunity to judge the seriousness of your friends' relationships. I was engaged at 6 months, but according to you, we aren't serious enough.
And yes, if you sent out a STD, you need to send an invitation. None of the reasons you described are reasons for rescinding an invitation.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
[QUOTE]I'm not trying to tell you how to post, it's just when it's negativity vs. constructive criticism is really doesn't help anyone. I guess if you haven't been through the same thing you don't get it. I will probably end up sending them invites anyways...ugh.
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]
Hi! I usually lurk, but feel that I am little bit in the same situation. I haven't sent any STDs, so I don't think I am as committed as you are to inviting people but many people I work with think they are invited. I won't go into the details but they are not invited. ANYWAY! I'm sure everyone is going to think I lack ettiquette too, but I know how you feel! I think that if you know what the results will be.. friendship ending, some people will talk some sh!t, etc. then go ahead and not invite them. If you don't want them there and you feel they'll bring negativity, then honestly, you don't need anyone's approval or advice on this board--- do what you want! I hate when people argue with people on these boards and give snarky answers.. do what feels right to you but just know the consequences! :)
I bet OP is having a cash bar, too.
OP, stop arguing your case and listen to what you've been told. We're trying to tell you how to not royally piss off all your friends. Your situation is not different. Everything you read before you posted your question still applies to you. Put on your big girl panties and do what's right.
What's right = invite all those who received STDs, invite all SO's of people who are invited. Period. You wanted solutions, and you got them. You just don't like them.