Wedding vs Family Reunion

rangel1 · July 2012

Wondering if I can get some feedback on this

My fiance and I got engaged in November and set a date in January for our wedding to be in June on a Friday. Everything has been going really well, no set backs or anything until just recently. I found out a few weeks ago that my FI's uncle and a few other members of their family are wanting to have a family reunion next year, and they want to do it the same weekend as our wedding. While I can understand their side of the issue (it's convenient for them), I do not agree with their decision. I feel really bothered by it because they never asked us directly about our feelings on this decision. It also adds more people to the guest list, and the reunion is becoming the big priority instead of our wedding. Another issue is that the place they are planning to have this reunion is an hour away from where we're having the wedding, so we know that some people will be coming to eat our food and then cutting out very early. This wedding has been a long time coming (6 years) and it's very important to me, especially since my parents are paying for everything. It also means a lot to my parents to give this gift to us, and we set a budget and a number of guests that we can accomodate. My parents have already exceeded their original number by 50 to make sure that we would not have to cut family members from either side. For them to do this without any thought or consideration to us or my parents is frustrating, and I feel like it's disrespectful. My parents also feel disrespected and are not happy about this. I don't think there's any malicious intent or anything nasty like that. I just think it's a case of a few people being thoughtless. My FI is going to send them an email tonight to essentially let them know, in a firm but empathetic way, that we would really prefer for them to not have this reunion the same weekend. What do people think?

MrsKathyC · July 2012

Just because the reunion is the same weekend, doesn't mean you have to add those extra people to the guest list.

dumdumfroggie · July 2012

Yeah, I'd be upset as well. Honestly, have your FI talk to his parents and have them talk to their siblings. Are they in agreement with this plan? I would not get involved by any means.

Simply Fated · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-family-reunion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:983f4338-1df8-476e-8a05-3d12c2df4cb8Post:b3e88bc6-3eb1-4f85-8470-924a06ddb78d">Wedding vs Family Reunion</a>:
[QUOTE]Wondering if I can get some feedback on this My fiance and I got engaged in November and set a date in January for our wedding to be in June on a Friday. Everything has been going really well, no set backs or anything until just recently. I found out a few weeks ago that my FI's uncle and a few other members of their family are wanting to have a family reunion next year, and they want to do it the same weekend as our wedding. While I can understand their side of the issue (it's convenient for them), I do not agree with their decision. I feel really bothered by it because they never asked us directly about our feelings on this decision. It also adds more people to the guest list, and the reunion is becoming the big priority instead of our wedding. <strong>Another issue is that the place they are planning to have this reunion is an hour away from where we're having the wedding, so we know that some people will be coming to eat our food and then cutting out very early.</strong> This wedding has been a long time coming (6 years) and it's very important to me, especially since my parents are paying for everything. It also means a lot to my parents to give this gift to us, and we set a budget and a number of guests that we can accomodate. My parents have already exceeded their original number by 50 to make sure that we would not have to cut family members from either side. For them to do this without any thought or consideration to us or my parents is frustrating, and I feel like it's disrespectful. My parents also feel disrespected and are not happy about this. I don't think there's any malicious intent or anything nasty like that. I just think it's a case of a few people being thoughtless. My FI is going to send them an email tonight to essentially let them know, in a firm but empathetic way, that we would really prefer for them to not have this reunion the same weekend. What do people think?
Posted by rangel1[/QUOTE]

Are you saying the reunion is the same weekend or the same day?

runpipparun · July 2012

I think your smiley faces do not do anything to mask your frustration and your feelings about his family.

That said, I think you're making a LOT of assumptions. How does the family reunion affect your guest list? How do you know that people will be coming to eat your food? Why do you think so poorly of his family? Perhaps they never asked your feelings because they aren't planning to wedding crash, and your wedding has not factored in to their decision. Perhaps those who are invited will come, and those who are not will sightsee. I feel like you are looking for a problem.

There's an easy way to handle this without confrontation or accusation. Don't call and tell them you're upset. Keep your guest list firm; don't add extra people simply because there will be OOTers in the same state for a reunion. You invite people because of your connection to them, not because of simple proximity. Send invitations addressed only to those on the guest list, not "and family." I would be very surprised if people were to just "show up" uninvited from an hour away, simply because they were in town.

TheSlowskys · July 2012

What does FIs parents think? I would agree to let them handle this, assuming they are on your side.

It sounds like if your wedding is on a Friday they couldn't possibly have it the same day, unless you are having a day wedding. Maybe they can have it later in the afternoon on Saturday so people can stay over and not feel the need to rush out of your wedding.

rangel1 · July 2012

From what I understand, it sounds like it's not limited to one day; it's like a weekend-long event. No, I am not getting involved with approaching his family. I think it's best that he does it because it's his family. In terms of the guest list, my fiance's dad told him that whenever there is a wedding in their family, their entire family is always invited and it may not go over so well if we were to cut ppl, so that causes us to feel obligated to invite everyone. Plus, it makes it more likely that a larger percentage will show up than the usual 75% you expect to plan for. It will get figured out. I don't think his family are bad ppl or anything. I just wish that we would have been included in this decision before it was made official to everyone in the family because then a discussion could have happened where both sides' feelings/concerns could be heard, instead of just one group.

rangel1 · July 2012

Oh, forgot to mention that my fiance and his parents both agree that it is not the best idea.

MrsGandthebeag · July 2012

Have deposits been made at both venues? Is it possible that you can change your date or the reunion date can still be changed?

rangel1 · July 2012

Yep the deposits are made. We're hoping that if they know that we would prefer they not do it the same weekend, they will change the time of the reunion. We're not demanding they do; we're just expressing our feelings about it and hopefully, they'll understand where we're coming from and they'll choose to do it a different time.

runpipparun · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-vs-family-reunion?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:983f4338-1df8-476e-8a05-3d12c2df4cb8Post:301e4c01-2992-4f22-9edd-26c4b0318877">Re: Wedding vs Family Reunion</a>:
[QUOTE]From what I understand, it sounds like it's not limited to one day; it's like a weekend-long event. No, I am not getting involved with approaching his family. I think it's best that he does it because it's his family. <strong> In terms of the guest list, my fiance's dad told him that whenever there is a wedding in their family, their entire family is always invited and it may not go over so well if we were to cut ppl, so that causes us to feel obligated to invite everyone.</strong> Plus, <strong>it makes it more likely that a larger percentage will show up than the usual 75% you expect to plan for. </strong> It will get figured out. I don't think his family are bad ppl or anything. I just wish that we would have been included in this decision before <strong>it was made official to everyone in the family because then a discussion could have happened where both sides' feelings/concerns could be heard, instead of just one group. </strong>
Posted by rangel1[/QUOTE]

<div>1) So the reunion does not affect your guest list in the least, since you were expected to invite these people in the first place. I find it odd that you FFIL had to inform your FI what the wedding invite expectations were. How long has your FI been in the family? Shouldn't he know by now that everybody in the family has to be invited to every wedding?</div><div>
</div><div>2) Regardless of the familial expectations, your FILs cannot make demands for expansion of the guest list unless they are contributing $$$ to the wedding. Sorry, but that's just the way it goes. Money doesn't grow on trees. You, as a couple, need to stand up for yourselves and tell them you cannot afford to invite them on your budget. You will invite those you were originally planning to invite, and that's that. You are sorry about the others, but you cannot afford to host them.</div><div>
</div><div>3) <em>Do not</em> invite people without expecting them to come. If you invite 100 people, budget for 100 people. Do not invite 100 on a budget for 75. People here will tell you that everyone has different "accept/decline" rates, but it is an extremely bad idea to invite more people than you plan for.</div><div>
</div><div>4) I understand why you're upset, but consider: if many of these folks work and/or are traveling, this will save a lot of people a lot of money. They will all be in one place, and they won't have to make separate travel arrangements another time or take off work for another weekend trip. You will look a lot more gracious if you don't make a big deal out of it, and just go with the flow.</div>

Wedding vs Family Reunion

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