Updated: MOH issues

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

My MOH text me the other day to tell me she doesn't know how she's going to come up with the money for her dress. I know money has been really tight for her. I'd love to help her, but we really don't have the money for it. She doesn't think she can borrow the money from anyone else. Do I need to ask her to step down? I know she would feel terrible and so would I, but I really don't see any other option. What do you all think on this? I'm sure I need to ask her to step down, but I guess I need the encouragement to do it.

UPDATE: MOH text me back awhile ago. I showed her the dress that I found for about $35 and she seemed to not like that idea. She started talking about how she was trying to get money and it just wasn't working. I felt like she was trying to hint that she wasn't able to be MOH anymore and asked her if it was just too much for her right now. She said it was. She doesn't even want to be a bridesmaid. She said she will still be at the wedding no matter what. At least this happened now and not a month before the wedding. I asked FSIL to step in as MOH instead and my brother will be an usher instead. I asked him to choose walking down the isle by himself or being an usher lol.

Madisonpenny · February 2012

Hmm tough one. Since she'd the MOH is she wearing a different dress then your BMs? If so is it possible she could find a cheaper dress? Maybe something off the rack at a store like Macy's or even Sears? (It's hard for me to suggest stores cause I'm in Canada we have different ones than you do)

mekiakoo · February 2012

I really don't think you should ask her to step down. She must mean a lot to you if she's the MOH. Is there a way for you guys to find a cheaper dress?

My MOH wasn't able to afford a dress. She also has to fly from DC for our wedding. She is like a daughter to my parents so my parents paid for the dress. If my parents never suggested this- I would have done it myself. I would have never considered asking her to step down just because she couldn't afford a dress. She means so much to me more than a dress.

I think you should try to find a way to get a dress for her. Since she is the MOH- her dress doesn't have to match the other BMs dress (well none of their dresses have to match anyway). Maybe she can borrow a dress, go to Goodwill, etc.

BmoreBride311 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:d4791723-2487-4e02-8e03-aea1c9798c99Post:d59e28d0-2791-46e5-8a91-6f1115b39f41">MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH text me the other day to tell me she doesn't know how she's going to come up with the money for her dress. I know money has been really tight for her. I'd love to help her, but we really don't have the money for it. She doesn't think she can borrow the money from anyone else. Do I need to ask her to step down? I know she would feel terrible and so would I, but I really don't see any other option. What do you all think on this? <strong>I'm sure I need to ask her to step down, but I guess I need the encouragement to do it.
</strong>Posted by StephanieToBeKeys[/QUOTE]

Aww I'm sorry you guys are in this situation, it definitely sucks. But I wouldn't ask my MOH to step down b/c of a dress. I think having your MOH be a part of your day should take priority over a dress.

Can I ask how much the dress is? Have other girls already ordered them? Is there anyway you can switch to something cheaper or have them wear their own dresses in the color family you are thinking?

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

We've tried to find dresses at local stores for all the BMs at first. There isn't a selection at all and none of them would fit my MOH. She is a larger woman and they just don't carry her size. Her dad was going to help her, but now he is getting a divorce and can't at the moment. I would pay for it myself if I was able to, but we just can't afford it.

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

Bmore- We looked at every bridal shop around and everything is between $170-over $200. The one we picked is $200. That's why we went to all the department stores beforehand because I didn't want everyone to pay that much for a dress. She has to have 50% for ordering it this week. If the dresses aren't ordered this week they won't get here in time for alterations.

butterflyjumper1 · February 2012

if she means enough to you for you to ask her to be your MOH, i wouldn't even consider asking her to step down.

if there really, truly, is no way that she can afford the dress, and you really can't afford to pay for hers, perhaps she could wear a different dress since she is the MOH? to me, i would do anything to keep my MOH in the wedding, even if it meant throwing off the visual of matching dresses.

what color/fabric are your BM dresses? who knows, maybe you or your MOH already own something that MOH could wear as an "honor" dress that wouldn't cost her a dime! it just seems sad that the only reason she might not be able to stand by your side on your wedding day would be a dress.

Rebis58 · February 2012

I definitely wouldn't ask her to step down. I would never ask any of my girls to step down, especially over a dress...

She's your MOH so it doesn't really matter if her dress is different than the other girls. Depending on what your colours are, maybe she can wear a plain black dress? Or some other colour that is easy to find. You might need to consider being a bit more flexible. Give her a colour and let her find whatever she can, whether that means a dress she already has or even going to a thrift store and finding something.

Obviously you really care about this girl or she wouldn't be your MOH. Imagine your wedding pictures, and there are two options:

1. All your bridesmaids look gorgeous, in the same dresses, and match perfectly.

2. All your bridesmaids look gorgeous, with your MOH standing out a bit in a different dress. But the important thing is - she's there

I know you care about your MOH more than a dress, it's obvious you really care about her. But just remember that by asking her to step down because she can't afford te dress, you are essentially telling her that the dress and your pictures matter more than her.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

Please don't ask her to step down because of money issues. I don't really understand how this happened - you didn't find anything at the department stores? Where does she usually buy her dresses? While the maids should buy the dress you pick (together), it is your duty to take all of their budgets into account.

Luckily there's a way out: it is perfectly in order for the MOH to wear a different dress. She can stand out. So maybe she already has a dress in neutral colors, black would be good depending on what your colors/atmosphere is, with maybe a sash in the color that the other maids are wearing. If she doesn't have a suitable one, allow her to buy a cheaper one somewhere else. After all, it must mean more to you to have her by your side than to have the perfect matching look.

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

I have no problem with her having a different dress and told her that as well. She has nothing at home either. We've already tried all different avenues of her getting a different dress and it just doesn't work out. We've tried different colors, different fabrics, and even different lengths. I really don't like short dresses, but she tried to find something that was shorter that she could afford and she couldn't find anything.

butterflyjumper1 · February 2012

what size is she? i am sure we could find a knottie who could donate a dress to her. i would donate a dress with no questions asked if i had one that was her size.

BmoreBride311 · February 2012

ooh yeah, I like butterfly's idea. Or show us your BM dress and we'll use our Knottie dress finding powers to find you some lower priced coordinating alternatives. I'm sure there is a solution somewhere!

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

She's a size 22. It will be in turquoise with black lace. So she can certainly do a dress in black.

mekiakoo · February 2012

You said that your MOH is a larger woman, right? You could ask the Plus-Size board and see if they have ideas for her.

What size is she? Maybe some of us have a dress that we could donate.

Madisonpenny · February 2012

Have you thought about a consignment store? even ebay and craiglist have dress options.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

Couldn't you find anything at all in her size, or was she being very picky? You could look for secondhand dresses, there are several sites dedicated to that...

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

and for people who thought I didn't take my BM budget into account I did. That is why we went to the department stores first. As everything there is less expensive. That's when we went to the bridal shop to pick out dresses and all the BM's including MOH said they could afford the dress they picked.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:d4791723-2487-4e02-8e03-aea1c9798c99Post:625b5a6d-d109-4d4f-989c-0f933d78f919">Re: MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]and for people who thought I didn't take my BM budget into account I did. That is why we went to the department stores first. As everything there is less expensive. That's when we went to the bridal shop to pick out dresses and all the BM's including MOH said they could afford the dress they picked.
Posted by StephanieToBeKeys[/QUOTE]

I see.<div>
</div><div>I just went lurking on the plus size board, and they seem to like onestopplus.com. I don't know how reputable this site is and if your MOH would be comfortable with buying online, but they seem to have some pretty nice and affordable dresses.</div><div>
</div><div><a href="http://www.onestopplus.com/Plus-Size-Special-Occasion-Dresses.aspx?DeptId=15080" rel="nofollow">http://www.onestopplus.com/Plus-Size-Special-Occasion-Dresses.aspx?DeptId=15080</a> </div><div><a href="http://www.onestopplus.com/Plus-Size-The-Little-Black-Dress.aspx?DeptId=24456" rel="nofollow">http://www.onestopplus.com/Plus-Size-The-Little-Black-Dress.aspx?DeptId=24456</a> </div>

Carla1019 · February 2012

Can you post a picture of your BM dresses. I swear JC Penny online has great dresses in plus sizes for $39.99. I'm sure we can help you find something for her.

Please don't ask her to step down over a dress. I would rather my MOH wear a dress she already has then not stand next to me at my wedding.

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

Thanks Eline. I will check it out now and ask her what she thinks about buying online.

BmoreBride311 · February 2012

Ooh good options from Eline's find.

Or you could try this: http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_Strapless-Jersey-A-line-with-Ruched-Charmeuse-Bust-F13291_Bridal-Party-Features-Dresses-Under-$100
You can do blue/turqoise, or just go with black.

LADY324 · February 2012

All of the girls have given you great advice. If she means that much to you I would not ask her to step down. I would just put her in a cheaper dress. You can go and buy something off of the rack somewhere.

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

Carla- A picture of the dress is posted in a previous post. That's a great price at JC Penney. Unfortunately, they only go up to a size 16 so that won't work.

Eline- That website is awesome, but unfortunately still out of her price range.

LADY- She can't get anthing off the rack because nobody carries her size. It's all size 4-16 on the racks.

I talked to my mom to see if she could possibly make her a dress because that may be less expensive. She said she probably could, but she's really concerned that if she can't afford her dress after saying she could what would happen with the other resposiblilities the MOH is supposed to have like helping with the bridal shower. Honestly, I think we're at the point where I won't be having a bridal shower which is fine. We've already been together for over 7 years so it seemed a little silly to me to have one. My mom is also concerned with the fact that my MOH hasn't had the gas money to go anywhere out of her town. I've been picking her up when we do anything wedding related. Now, she just text me and said she doesn't even know if she can get off work that weekend for the wedding. I just don't know what to do or my mom is just filling my head with crap again.

k8888 · February 2012

I'm sorry you guys have found yourself in this situation. If I'm reading all of this correctly, she gave you her budget from the beginning, and now she is saying she cannot afford it.... ?

Lots of solid advice in this thread... the only other thing I can offer is that at my heaviest, I was a size 22/24, and had significant body image issues. Are your other BMs smaller than her? I was in a wedding where I was, by far, the heaviest, and it was, personally, really embarassing. Maybe she's having similar feelings? That's the only thing different I can think of.

That being said, there are plenty of resources to purchase figure-flattering dresses in her size and in her budget. Can I be nosey and ask what she said her budget for the dress is?

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

k8888- That could be part of the issue. Everyone else standing up is smaller. I have 2 girls in a size 4, me at a 6, 1 at a 12-14, and then MOH at 22. She said she has no money for a dress at all. I was thinking if I could get one cheap enough maybe I could convince FI to pay for her dress, but he doesn't really like her so it would be hard. I'm thinking maybe 40-60, but we had no luck so far finding anything even close to that.

Madisonpenny · February 2012

If you give us her dress size we might be able to help you further. I think it's pretty evident that we're all hoping to find something suitable for her. Is there a particular color?

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:d4791723-2487-4e02-8e03-aea1c9798c99Post:bc50c712-41f3-433d-af62-2b32a6c16fee">Re: MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]She's a size 22. It will be in turquoise with black lace. So she can certainly do a dress in black.
Posted by StephanieToBeKeys[/QUOTE]

NIKKIANDTYE · February 2012

Me I say dont ask her to step down, she is my size go to stores like Macy, Lane Bryant, or sometimes Marshalls have nice dresses. If you cant find anything in these stores have you thought about renting her a dress just for that day, since her dress will be different from your BM dresses. No one will need to know that her dress is rented.

StephanieToBeKeys · February 2012

Eline- Thank you so much for that link. I think I found a dress that will work and I can afford to pay for it for her.
http://www.onestopplus.com/clothing/Circle-Drape-Tank-Dress.aspx?PfId=241462&DeptId=15080&ProductTypeId=1

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

Hm... going from a 200$ budget to a 0$ budget is a big drop... And if she's saying she might not be able to take the weekend off... You need to sit down with her (if she lives near) and ask her what's going on. Is it just the money issues? Because there's always a solution for that. Or are there other reasons she is feeling uncomfortable in your wedding party? Let her know that she can honestly tell you what's going on.

If it's really the money, is she sure she can't even come up with around $40 dollars, for a black dress that she'll probably be able to use again (everyone says that about bridesmaid dresses, but we all need a black dress in our closet)? That's the price for some of the dresses I saw online. Also, if she wears something different than the other bridesmaids, she would not need to order today, she could wait a month or even two.

If she keeps being vague, ask her what her plans and alternatives are. Because if she's got nothing wearable in her closet and does not want to buy clothes either, something's got to give. Ask her if she sees any solutions.

Elinetrouwt · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_moh-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:d4791723-2487-4e02-8e03-aea1c9798c99Post:6d5bf7f9-bcee-41f9-b545-0e9b9404c070">Re: MOH issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Eline- Thank you so much for that link. I think I found a dress that will work and I can afford to pay for it for her. <a href="http://www.onestopplus.com/clothing/Circle-Drape-Tank-Dress.aspx?PfId=241462&DeptId=15080&ProductTypeId=1" rel="nofollow">http://www.onestopplus.com/clothing/Circle-Drape-Tank-Dress.aspx?PfId=241462&DeptId=15080&ProductTypeId=1</a>
Posted by StephanieToBeKeys[/QUOTE]

<div>You're welcome! Glad you found something (you probably posted this while I was writing my last post).</div>

Updated: MOH issues

Re: Updated: MOH issues

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