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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Demoting a Bridesmaid...
So a little background on said bridesmaid:
She introduced FI and I and as soon as we were engaged, I really wanted her to be a bridesmaid and asked her to be one. Yay! All glittery and butterfly farts!
She is 20 and has two kids. At the time, the guy she was dating (not the father of either children) was a totally cool guy. He was so helpful with the kids and I was really excited because he could wrangle her two children during the ceremony and at the reception, when she would have to sit up at the head table with us.
Now, she is pregnant with the third, with said guy, and he bailed. I was shocked and hurt for her, but this is life.
Now I'm really hesitant to have her as a bridesmaid, or even at the wedding in general, because her kids are exceptionally rowdy and ill-behaved and even more so now because she will not have someone to tend to them.
It's also a crazy coincidence that she is due close to the wedding, which means she will be uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant, and it'll make her less mobile to watch her kids.
I have every intention to make this whole wedding as kid-friendly as I can, even with a "kids corner" and hired help, but I cannot depend on our hired help to keep every child contained at all times.
How can I politely tell her I changed my mind?
I'd rather not entirely end our friendship, but since I don't support some of her behaviors anyways, I would not be heartbroken to never speak to her again.
She introduced FI and I and as soon as we were engaged, I really wanted her to be a bridesmaid and asked her to be one. Yay! All glittery and butterfly farts!
She is 20 and has two kids. At the time, the guy she was dating (not the father of either children) was a totally cool guy. He was so helpful with the kids and I was really excited because he could wrangle her two children during the ceremony and at the reception, when she would have to sit up at the head table with us.
Now, she is pregnant with the third, with said guy, and he bailed. I was shocked and hurt for her, but this is life.
Now I'm really hesitant to have her as a bridesmaid, or even at the wedding in general, because her kids are exceptionally rowdy and ill-behaved and even more so now because she will not have someone to tend to them.
It's also a crazy coincidence that she is due close to the wedding, which means she will be uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant, and it'll make her less mobile to watch her kids.
I have every intention to make this whole wedding as kid-friendly as I can, even with a "kids corner" and hired help, but I cannot depend on our hired help to keep every child contained at all times.
How can I politely tell her I changed my mind?
I'd rather not entirely end our friendship, but since I don't support some of her behaviors anyways, I would not be heartbroken to never speak to her again.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid...
[QUOTE]So a little background on said bridesmaid: She introduced FI and I and as soon as we were engaged, I really wanted her to be a bridesmaid and asked her to be one. Yay! All glittery and butterfly farts! She is 20 and has two kids. At the time, the guy she was dating (not the father of either children) was a totally cool guy. He was so helpful with the kids and I was really excited because he could wrangle her two children during the ceremony and at the reception, when she would have to sit up at the head table with us. Now, she is pregnant with the third, with said guy, and he bailed. I was shocked and hurt for her, but this is life. Now I'm really hesitant to have her as a bridesmaid, or even at the wedding in general, because her kids are exceptionally rowdy and ill-behaved and even more so now because she will not have someone to tend to them. It's also a crazy coincidence that she is due close to the wedding, which means she will be uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant, and it'll make her less mobile to watch her kids. I have every intention to make this whole wedding as kid-friendly as I can, even with a "kids corner" and hired help, but I cannot depend on our hired help to keep every child contained at all times. How can I politely tell her I changed my mind? I'd rather not entirely end our friendship, but since I don't support some of her behaviors anyways, I would not be heartbroken to never speak to her again.
Posted by chinofiesta93[/QUOTE]
Just tell her "Sorry, I just don't want any pregos with bratty kids in my wedding. You understand, right, you dumb slut? No hard feelings, 'kay?"
The thing is, she's their mom. She doesnt' have to take a take an evening off from watching her kids for your wedding. What I mean is, she can still be your bridesmaid even if she is pregnant with kids. If she is tired and needs help, hopefully she'll ask for it or who ever you hire can step in and help her.
In the meantime, be a good friend to her and don't "demote" her for being a harried mom.
[QUOTE]So a little background on said bridesmaid: She introduced FI and I and as soon as we were engaged, I really wanted her to be a bridesmaid and asked her to be one. Yay! All glittery and butterfly farts! She is 20 and has two kids. At the time, the guy she was dating (not the father of either children) was a totally cool guy. He was so helpful with the kids and I was really excited because he could wrangle her two children during the ceremony and at the reception, when she would have to sit up at the head table with us. Now, she is pregnant with the third, with said guy, and he bailed. I was shocked and hurt for her, but this is life. Now I'm really hesitant to have her as a bridesmaid, or even at the wedding in general, because her kids are exceptionally rowdy and ill-behaved and even more so now because she will not have someone to tend to them. It's also a crazy coincidence that she is due close to the wedding, which means she will be uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant, and it'll make her less mobile to watch her kids. I have every intention to make this whole wedding as kid-friendly as I can, even with a "kids corner" and hired help, but I cannot depend on our hired help to keep every child contained at all times. How can I politely tell her I changed my mind? I<strong>'d rather not entirely end our friendship, but since I don't support some of her behaviors anyways, I would not be heartbroken to never speak to her again.</strong>
Posted by chinofiesta93[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow. </div><div>
</div><div>Well unless you want to end the friendship you can't demote her. And I find it highly disturbing that you are so much more concerned with your wedding than you are about the well being of your friend. She just found out she is pregnant and the father has run out on her and again she is all alone with 2 going on 3 kids. I really think you need step back and get some perspective on it. But if you do kick her out, at least she will know who her real friends are.
</div>
[QUOTE]So a little background on said bridesmaid: She introduced FI and I and as soon as we were engaged, I really wanted her to be a bridesmaid and asked her to be one. Yay! All glittery and butterfly farts! She is 20 and has two kids. At the time, the guy she was dating (not the father of either children) was a totally cool guy. He was so helpful with the kids and I was really excited because he could wrangle her two children during the ceremony and at the reception, when she would have to sit up at the head table with us. Now, she is pregnant with the third, with said guy, and he bailed. I was shocked and hurt for her, but this is life. Now I'm really hesitant to have her as a bridesmaid, or even at the wedding in general, because her kids are exceptionally rowdy and ill-behaved and even more so now because she will not have someone to tend to them. It's also a crazy coincidence that she is due close to the wedding, which means she will be uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant, and it'll make her less mobile to watch her kids. I have every intention to make this whole wedding as kid-friendly as I can, even with a "kids corner" and hired help, but I cannot depend on our hired help to keep every child contained at all times. How can I politely tell her I changed my mind? I'd rather not entirely end our friendship, but since I don't support some of her behaviors anyways, I would not be heartbroken to never speak to her again.
Posted by chinofiesta93[/QUOTE]
You really can't "demote" her without being incredibly rude/offensive and possibly ending a friendship.
And something in your whole post strikes me as slightly off. You say that as soon as you were engaged you knew you wanted her as a BM, but you also say you wouldn't be heartbroken to never speak to her again? Those statements seem very contradictory to me. Also, to me the term "crazy coincidence" is only used with sarcastic intent, and I can't tell if that's what you meant here or not.<div>
</div><div>If I were you, right now I'd focus less on the wedding and more on being there for the BM, sounds like she is going through some really tough times.</div><div>
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Demoting a Bridesmaid... : Just tell her "Sorry, I just don't want any pregos with bratty kids in my wedding. You understand, right, you dumb slut? No hard feelings, 'kay?"
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
I take back my previous post, this is what I meant to say.
http://gizoogle.net/tranzizzle.php?search=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.theknot.com%2FSites%2Ftheknot%2FPages%2FMain.aspx%2Fwedding-boards_etiquette_demoting-a-bridesmaid&se=Go+Git+Dis+Shiznit
[QUOTE]Ooh, we need to Gizoogle this one. <a href="http://gizoogle.net/tranzizzle.php?search=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.theknot.com%2FSites%2Ftheknot%2FPages%2FMain.aspx%2Fwedding-boards_etiquette_demoting-a-bridesmaid&se=Go+Git+Dis+Shiznit">http://gizoogle.net/tranzizzle.php?search=http%3A%2F%2Fforums.theknot.com%2FSites%2Ftheknot%2FPages%2FMain.aspx%2Fwedding-boards_etiquette_demoting-a-bridesmaid&se=Go+Git+Dis+Shiznit</a>
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]
o.o
fo shizzle
[QUOTE]So a little background on said bridesmaid: She introduced FI and I and as soon as we were engaged, I really wanted her to be a bridesmaid and asked her to be one. Yay! All glittery and butterfly farts! She is 20 and has two kids. At the time, the guy she was dating (not the father of either children) was a totally cool guy. He was so helpful with the kids and I was really excited because he could wrangle her two children during the ceremony and at the reception, when she would have to sit up at the head table with us. Now, she is pregnant with the third, with said guy, and he bailed. I was shocked and hurt for her, but this is life. Now I'm really hesitant to have her as a bridesmaid, or even at the wedding in general, because her kids are exceptionally rowdy and ill-behaved and even more so now because she will not have someone to tend to them. It's also a crazy coincidence that she is due close to the wedding, which means she will be uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant, and it'll make her less mobile to watch her kids. I have every intention to make this whole wedding as kid-friendly as I can, even with a "kids corner" and hired help, but I cannot depend on our hired help to keep every child contained at all times. How can I politely tell her I changed my mind? I'd rather not entirely end our friendship, but since I don't support some of her behaviors anyways, I would not be heartbroken to never speak to her again.
Posted by chinofiesta93[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry. I'm having a little trouble beliveing that you're a real person. Perhaps that's just my last glimmer of hope for humanity speaking.
[QUOTE]So a little background on said bridesmaid: She introduced FI and I and as soon as we were engaged, I really wanted her to be a bridesmaid and asked her to be one. Yay! All glittery and butterfly farts! She is 20 and has two kids. At the time, the guy she was dating (not the father of either children) was a totally cool guy. He was so helpful with the kids and I was really excited because he could wrangle her two children during the ceremony and at the reception, when she would have to sit up at the head table with us. Now, she is pregnant with the third, with said guy, and he bailed. I was shocked and hurt for her, but this is life. Now I'm really hesitant to have her as a bridesmaid, or even at the wedding in general, because her kids are exceptionally rowdy and ill-behaved and even more so now because she will not have someone to tend to them. It's also a crazy coincidence that she is due close to the wedding, which means she will be uncomfortable and tired of being pregnant, and it'll make her less mobile to watch her kids. I have every intention to make this whole wedding as kid-friendly as I can, even with a "kids corner" and hired help, but I cannot depend on our hired help to keep every child contained at all times. How can I politely tell her I changed my mind?<strong> I'd rather not entirely end our friendship, but since I don't support some of her behaviors anyways, I would not be heartbroken to never speak to her again.</strong>
Posted by chinofiesta93[/QUOTE]
???? What? You don't really care if you never speak to her again? tell her that before she shells out hundreds of bucks in be in your wedding.
Can you Gizoogle anything? Too funny.
I know I'm selfish in being more concerned with my wedding, but deep down inside, isn't everyone? Be truthful.
Ofcourse I want it go smoothly and all that. Doesn't everyone?
I think I will do it anyways. Even my mom isn't happy with the idea of her coming and bringing her children. I know a pp mentioned having a no-kids wedding but there is zero chance of that happening. Practically a third of all guests will be ages 3 months - 15. I feel that I will provide all the kid entertainment that families will need and why is it my fault that her babydaddy bailed on her?
I sure as heck won't be in the mood to bark at her kids and I do NOT want anyone else attending to feel as though they need to babysit other people's kids.
Oh well. I will do what I feel I need to do, and this is one of those thing. I really like her and her kids and mine play well but this whole wedding is going down on my, my FI's, and our families court. None of us want to be responsible for her and her kids.
Snark all you want, reply and critisize me more. But I know there are atleast a few other brides in similiar situations that will read this and maybe then feel ballsy enough to remove a bridesmaid. All the power to ya.
[QUOTE]In Response to Demoting a Bridesmaid... : ???? What? You don't really care if you never speak to her again? tell her that before she shells out hundreds of bucks in be in your wedding.
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]
Bridesmaid aren't paying anything. My mom is paying for all dresses/shoes/makeup/hair/accesories/etc. No one would be shelling out money.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid... : Bridesmaid aren't paying anything. My mom is paying for all dresses/shoes/makeup/hair/accesories/etc. No one would be shelling out money.
Posted by chinofiesta93[/QUOTE]
Well that's one thing... but it doesn't really help matters. You don't care for her, why pretend?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid... : Well that's one thing... but it doesn't really help matters. You don't care for her, why pretend?
Posted by thurmanpowell[/QUOTE]
I care for her, to an extent. She's a nice girl, funny, whatever.
But at the end of the day, I'd almost view her and her kids as a "risk." Pathetic, I know. But it's true.
My friend's kids are outta control, I fully admit that, but I wouldn't ditch her as a bridesmaid because of it. I'd probably think of an alternative solution, instead. But, hey, if you don't even want her as a friend, why pretend anymore?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid... : Yes it is, but not for the reasons you think it is.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
Then explain to me?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid... : Why bother?
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]
The reason I posted was to get honest opinions and what good is it if I can't get an honest opinion? I'm not going to cry if no one agrees with me.
And heck, maybe your reasoning COULD change my mind. I just need an opinion.
[QUOTE]It's pathetic of you to even consider treating a friend so shabbily. It's pathetic that she was the first one you wanted involved, and now you don't because it's inconvenient. It says a lot about the importance to you of that woman's friendship.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
It IS inconvenient! Don't you think so?
Really? What if your bridesmaid all of a sudden lost childcare for your wedding and has no one to control her two kids at your wedding. Isn't it an inconvience? What else would you call it?
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid... : The reason I posted was to get honest opinions and what good is it if I can't get an honest opinion? I'm not going to cry if no one agrees with me. And heck, maybe your reasoning COULD change my mind. I just need an opinion.
Posted by chinofiesta93[/QUOTE]
My honest opinions? First, there is no polite way to kick someone out of your bridal party. Period. It's a friendship ending move. Especially if your reasoning is that her kids are brats and she's going to be too pregnant to keep them in line. Second, since you asked, if I'm being 100% honest with myself, there is no way a party is more important than my relationships with my bridesmaids. That would be my sister, my best friend since I was 8, and my four closest friends from college. No matter what, those relationships mean more to me than the wedding shindig. Do they mean more than my marriage? No. But unless my BMs were somehow going to threaten my marriage with my FH, then they matter more than a big party. Third, if you really don't care all that much about keeping this relationship, why are you worried? It sounds to me like you've written this woman off and you just don't want to appear like the bad guy. Well, unfortunately, if you kick her out, you are the bad guy. But if having her out means more than continuing any kind of relationship, I can only imagine it also means more than looking kind of like a bi@tch. So, go for it.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demoting a Bridesmaid... : Childcare? Or her significant other?
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]
To me it was childcare. I'm sorry but I can't really consider any of her boyfriends "significant others."
So be it!
[QUOTE]I think you SHOULD kick get out. She deserves to know what a worthless self centered "friend" she has, and I can't think of any better way to show her.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Thank you for acting like an adult.......
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Demoting a Bridesmaid... : Pot, meet kettle.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]
Did I call anyone names? Did I tell anyone they were less of a human because of their decisions? Really......
I genuinely was excited to have her involved, I really was. That was a year ago, when I asked her. A lot has changed for her in the past year and it does make me in a tough position. I'm not sure how to have a blissful day knowing her wild children are unsupervised. Should I invite her babydaddies too? So they can watch their kids? I mean, tell me any alternative options. Anything at all. Nothing productive is being said here.
And please, don't lie and say you'd have a great day if you know there are kids playing under the caketable at your wedding.