Am I being too nice?

akresge · April 2010

I’ve tried really hard to be considerate of my bridesmaids, they are after all my closest family members. I included them all in the dress choice because I really wanted them to at least be comfortable and feel pretty in the dress, so I went with a custom made dress off of etsy that looks like a fun cocktail dress more than a bridesmaid dress. They all said they really loved it, but expressed mild concern about the color (I originally chose green), so I changed it to a more flattering plum purple (my other wedding color) because I wanted them to be happy and comfortable. My thought is the more comfortable everyone feels, the smoother everything will go and the more fun everyone will have.

However, because it is a custom hand made dress, the Etsy seller needs 5 weeks to make the dress and then another week to ship the dress. My wedding is in 7 weeks and only one of my four bridesmaids has ordered their dress (the Etsy seller contacts me every time someone orders their dress, so that is how I know). This is stressing me out and I'm letting it upset me. I don't want to get mad at them and nag them, they have done a lot for me such as plan my bridal shower (which is in 2 weeks), helped me address my invitations, and I'm so grateful for them and they are by no mean absent bridesmaids. I just wish they would order their dresses, and I don't understand why they haven't. I sent them an e-mail 2 weeks ago letting them know the dresses could be ordered at any time online, sent them the links, and told them that they would take 4-5 weeks to be made. My bridesmaid who has ordered her dress sent them a nice e-mail reminding them about ordering the dresses and explaining how she did (since Etsy can be confusing) earlier this week.

I'm just wondering if I'm being too nice and if I should contact them again. I just don't want to be a nagging bride and annoy them. Any suggestions about how to best resolve this without upsetting my maids?

mbcdefg · April 2010

Did you ask their price budgets (individually, not in a group) before you all decided on this dress? If not, maybe there are issues with the price.

If so, I would call them (don't use e-mail) one more time and say, "The dresses needed to be taken care of soon because they're being custom-made and it takes five weeks. If you'd still like to be in the wedding, please place your order within the week. If not, just let me know, and I will understand if you would rather attend as a guest. If you have any concerns about the price or style of the dress, tell me about it now so we can work it out, otherwise it'll be too late after this to make a change."

Then let it go. If they have issues, hopefiully they will tell you and you can work something out. If they say they'll do it, trust them to get it done. If they do not do it, then they can wear whatever they want and attend the wedding as guests, and you'll go on with whoever got the dress.

emilyinchile · April 2010

Were you clear about the last day to order the dresses for them to reach the girls in time, or did you just say "ok, get them, they take 4-5 weeks to be made"? If you weren't clear, I'd e-mail one last time and just say that you talked to the seller and the last possible day they can order is X. Then leave it up to them.

Licia&Wayne · April 2010

Ditto, mbcdefg.

Also, maybe you should set a hard date for them to order by. I know when people tell me "x needs to be done by this day" I will get it done. They know how long it will take to make the dresses, but maybe they don't realize shipping is going to take so long.

Licia&Wayne · April 2010

So this one time Emily read my mind. Ditto her too.

akresge · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-nice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80b2482b-8d18-4704-a96b-01c16f1bf07aPost:e126f731-455c-4939-b8f2-8ba2513f3583">Re: Am I being too nice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Did you ask their price budgets (individually, not in a group) before you all decided on this dress? If not, maybe there are issues with the price. If so, I would call them (don't use e-mail) one more time and say, "The dresses needed to be taken care of soon because they're being custom-made and it takes five weeks. If you'd still like to be in the wedding, please place your order within the week. If not, just let me know, and I will understand if you would rather attend as a guest. If you have any concerns about the price or style of the dress, tell me about it now so we can work it out, otherwise it'll be too late after this to make a change." Then let it go. If they have issues, hopefiully they will tell you and you can work something out. If they say they'll do it, trust them to get it done. If they do not do it, then they can wear whatever they want and attend the wedding as guests, and you'll go on with whoever got the dress.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

<p class="MsoNormal">The dresses are half the cost of a normal bridesmaid dress, and they all told me individually that they really appreciated me choosing a very affordable dress that they wouldn't have to get rid of right after the wedding. My MOH e-mailed me the other day reiterating that very point. So I don't think that is the issue :-/

Also, in case I wasn't clear and it confused anyone, I gave everyone the information about the dresses in March, but re-contacted everyone 2 weeks ago to give them the information again because I know I have the tendency to forget or lose info.</p>

akresge · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-nice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80b2482b-8d18-4704-a96b-01c16f1bf07aPost:2907f2f5-a511-4afe-9f72-ef58110367e2">Re: Am I being too nice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto, mbcdefg. Also, maybe you should set a hard date for them to order by. I know when people tell me "x needs to be done by this day" I will get it done. They know how long it will take to make the dresses, but maybe they don't realize shipping is going to take so long.
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]

That makes a lot of sense, I never thought of it like that. Obviously they aren't thinking about my wedding 24/7 like I am, so they may not even realize my wedding is quite so soon. I'll e-mail them with set date to order them by (without being demanding), thank you for the advise :)

mbcdefg · April 2010

I would follow it up with a phone call, too. E-mails can get lost or overlooked, or the tone of voice can be misconstrued.

JennaV26 · April 2010

Definitely call them and tell them that due to time limitations they have until X date to order their dresses. Leave voicemails if they don't answer and then call again.

I was in a similar situation. I basically had to call, call, call three (of 7) of my BMs until they got their orders in. One of them tried to fax her order in TWICE and had no idea that her order wasn't in so definitely call them!!

Sometimes it's okay to be pushy, just always remind them of how much you want them to be in your wedding and you don't want something like not getting the dresses ordered in time to hinder that.

katieanne85 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-nice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80b2482b-8d18-4704-a96b-01c16f1bf07aPost:e126f731-455c-4939-b8f2-8ba2513f3583">Re: Am I being too nice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Did you ask their price budgets (individually, not in a group) before you all decided on this dress? If not, maybe there are issues with the price. If so, I would call them (don't use e-mail) one more time and say, <strong>"The dresses needed to be taken care of soon because they're being custom-made and it takes five weeks. If you'd still like to be in the wedding, please place your order within the week. If not, just let me know, and I will understand if you would rather attend as a guest. </strong>If you have any concerns about the price or style of the dress, tell me about it now so we can work it out, otherwise it'll be too late after this to make a change." Then let it go. If they have issues, hopefiully they will tell you and you can work something out. If they say they'll do it, trust them to get it done. If they do not do it, then they can wear whatever they want and attend the wedding as guests, and you'll go on with whoever got the dress.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
If someone said that to me, I would probobly interpret it to be a passive agressive way of telling me that not ordering a dress I may or may not like in a timely manner is detracting from our freindship, if that makes sense.
Bridesmaids are friends that we want standing up there with us in support of our marriage, while matching dresses look pretty in pictures, not matching should not detract from that original function. If they are close enough to be bridesmaids, there should be enough affection and mutual support in the relationship to outweigh a different dress. Otherwise why arent they just attending as guests in the first place?
Would the OP still want them up there with her if the dresses dont come in on time? I am not condoning being late in ordering, but inviting someone to step down from being a bridemaid over something so petty can ruin a friendship.

banana468 · April 2010

Ktieanne, if the BM agrees to the dress then that's really her only requirement. Ideally, there's discussion rather than "stepping down" but if the BM doesn't get the dress, she's not living up to her ONLY requirement.

katieanne85 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-nice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80b2482b-8d18-4704-a96b-01c16f1bf07aPost:2f62aa7d-afd4-4a9b-b112-2bb0bb1fa837">Re: Am I being too nice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ktieanne, if the BM agrees to the dress then that's really her only requirement. Ideally, there's discussion rather than "stepping down" but if the BM doesn't get the dress, she's not living up to her ONLY requirement.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
well hopefully her reason for wanting someone to be a bridesmaid is separate from the dress, ideally its because theres a relationship there, and lol I used the term 'stepping down' because thats what other brides use when they want to get rid of a bridesmaid on here. as one of the pp suggested, no dress equals no bridesmaid, which is ridiculous to me.

banana468 · April 2010

I think the point is that the ONLY thing the BM has to do is get the dress. So if she's not living up to that end of the deal, she's saying that SHE doesn't want to be a BM. That's the point that people are trying to make. By not getting the dress, she's removing herself. The bride isn't removing her.

katieanne85 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-nice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80b2482b-8d18-4704-a96b-01c16f1bf07aPost:d41d301d-76a1-46b9-8540-523964f5736d">Re: Am I being too nice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the point is that the ONLY thing the BM has to do is get the dress. So if she's not living up to that end of the deal, she's saying that SHE doesn't want to be a BM. That's the point that people are trying to make. By not getting the dress, she's removing herself. The bride isn't removing her.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

IDK, I was originally responding to a PP's response, the OP never suggested them not being BM, I still think that I'd want my BM's up there with me, dress or no.

banana468 · April 2010

I would too.

I think the issue though is that if the BM doesn't do that ONE thing, it's a sign that perhaps the BM doesn't want to do it.

katieanne85 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-nice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80b2482b-8d18-4704-a96b-01c16f1bf07aPost:88f584fd-1aa9-465c-b495-65027ffd4a6b">Re: Am I being too nice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would too. I think the issue though is that if the BM doesn't do that ONE thing, it's a sign that perhaps the BM doesn't want to do it.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I agree, especially since 3 out of 4 have not ordered, makes me wonder if the OP is asking a lot of other things of her BMs, or some other reason why they would all be so reluctant, its unlikely that she just has all flaky friends.

akresge · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_am-being-nice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:80b2482b-8d18-4704-a96b-01c16f1bf07aPost:aa3351ca-68fa-4e7a-83a5-91e7170c74b4">Re: Am I being too nice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I being too nice? : I agree, especially since 3 out of 4 have not ordered, makes me wonder if the OP is asking a lot of other things of her BMs, or some other reason why they would all be so reluctant, its unlikely that she just has all flaky friends.
Posted by katieanne85[/QUOTE]

<div>My MOH just ordered her dress without me saying anything (I was giving them the weekend to order before saying anything), so that is a relief. I honestly don't think that I'm asking too much, or really much at all. But at this point the ones who haven't ordered are the only ones living on this continent so they are planning my shower. Something they offered right after I got engaged (I did not ask or expect this of them)</div><div>
</div><div>I also do not think them not wanting to be BMs is the issue: all my WP are my sisters after all. I'm guessing they are just busy with life and planning my shower which is two weeks away. I just wanted advise on what the most courteous way of reminding them about the dresses would be. I don't want to be pushy or demanding, especially since they have freely offered help with planning the shower as well as other things here and there. </div>

emilyinchile · April 2010

I think it's just an issue of them not connecting "you need to order X weeks in advance" with the fact that your wedding's coming up, and the deadline is X date. Especially if they're your sisters, I think they'll forgive you bringing it up again, especially if you slip it into the next conversation rather than sending a special e-mail or making a special phone call just to bring up the topic.

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