Jack-n-Jill Shower with Guests Not Invited to Wedding?

aerinpegadrak · November 2010

Even if it is your mother and your friends who want to throw this party, it's going to reflect badly on you. You can always tell them no. DH's stepmom wanted to throw me a party at her house where she hired a stripper, and since I wasn't comfortable with it, I lied and told her that we already had other bachelorette party plans, but thanks for offering.

Manwaithiel · November 2010

I disagree with the poster who said you should ask your parents for money. That is not a viable decision. Sounds like you're not going with it, but for the sake of others reading this thread, that is very rude to do.

Also, those of you who say that 150 is not a "small wedding"; it is when both of your parents are 1 of 11 siblings. My FI's father is 1 of 11 and his side of the guest list can only extend to first cousins and nothing else simply because that's already like 70 people. If several parents have that many siblings, the guest list can very easily get to 150 and still be considered "small" because you can't invite nearly anyone else.

marinabreeze · November 2010

I agree with PPs, I don't see how anyone was being particularly rude to you. Blunt, yes, but rude, no.

It is against etiquette, and also tacky, to invite people to pre-wedding parties who are not invited to the wedding. In addition, the primary purpose of a shower is to receive gifts. For that reason alone, inviting people to the wedding that aren't invited to the shower does imply a gift-grab, even if that isn't your intention.

You mention that there are some people in your family that are upset that they didn't get a wedding invite. That does suck, but inviting them to a wedding shower will only emphasize that they aren't invited to the real to-do, regardless of what your intentions are.

And about 150 guests...I have mixed feelings about this. In general, I don't consider 150 guests a "small" wedding. However, for those of us who have big families, this can very easily happen, even if we intended a small wedding. I come from a big family...to make a long story short, a blended family with a number of siblings and their families, plus many aunts and uncles. We had originally wanted a small wedding, but our guest list is already at 140, and I haven't even received guest lists from our parents yet. So it will most likely be close to 200. A part of me hopes that the fact that the wedding is just outside my current city of residence, rather than my hometown 5-6 hours away, will shorten the guest list somewhat, but we do want for the people we invite to come, and FI and I have budgeted for 100% attendance.

missegg · November 2010

If you can host all these people for a shower, couldn't you host them for the wedding as well?

mia082683 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jack-n-jill-shower-guests-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4bd24d17-3a35-4702-af3d-8c311eb155a2Post:b758f676-d665-4865-9aa2-311970a58bda">Re: Jack-n-Jill Shower with Guests Not Invited to Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you can host all these people for a shower, couldn't you host them for the wedding as well?
Posted by missegg[/QUOTE]

In short, we couldn't host all those people for a shower, but apparently my parents could?

I think the difference is that our wedding, although in a backyard, is formal. We need specific seating for each person and to pay for each person's food individually by a caterer. We are mostly limited by the size of the tent. There is only so much space to put up a tent.

If my mother is planning on something similar to her typical style, the Jack and Jill would be very casual and relaxed. There would not be assigned seating or specific times where dinner is served. It would be in the backyard and in the house, probably without a rented tent, etc. Regardless of who is invited and how many people, her parties tend to be very casual and very large. ... if that makes sense.

AutumnFair · November 2010

Once again, you need to decline the shower or tell your mom to invite the people that will actually be attending the wedding ceremony&reception. Even if this is a casual shower, it still doesn't matter, a person who gets invited to a shower needs to be invited to the actual wedding. If any friend or family did this I would decline and be pretty angry that the person did that because it is very very tacky and rude.

missegg · November 2010

So you would have a place where you could possibly host all these people (your parents' house/backyard) for the wedding. Personally, I'm doing everything I can to have all of my family and friends present. I could just as easily go to the courthouse and get married, but then I don't get the chance to celebrate with the people that mean the most to me. To make it easier on my family, FI and I will be the ones traveling 1500 miles back to my hometown area. FI's family is all around the US so they have to travel anyway, but this way distance is minimized for his 92 year old grandma. The way I see it, you get to decide the place you get married, and that can limit the people you can invite. But if they're not invited to the wedding, they're not invited to the engagement party/shower/b-parties. Have a family get-together instead, you'll still be a big topic of conversation, but it won't officially be a shower or anything.

mia082683 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jack-n-jill-shower-guests-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:4bd24d17-3a35-4702-af3d-8c311eb155a2Post:7b50750d-f9d9-4db0-8561-c2f7f987c82f">Re: Jack-n-Jill Shower with Guests Not Invited to Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]So you would have a place where you could possibly host all these people (your parents' house/backyard) for the wedding. Personally, I'm doing everything I can to have all of my family and friends present. I could just as easily go to the courthouse and get married, but then I don't get the chance to celebrate with the people that mean the most to me. To make it easier on my family, FI and I will be the ones traveling 1500 miles back to my hometown area. FI's family is all around the US so they have to travel anyway, but this way distance is minimized for his 92 year old grandma. The way I see it, you get to decide the place you get married, and that can limit the people you can invite. But if they're not invited to the wedding, they're not invited to the engagement party/shower/b-parties. Have a family get-together instead, you'll still be a big topic of conversation, but it won't officially be a shower or anything.
Posted by missegg[/QUOTE]

''Just to clarify, the wedding is at my parents' house as well, but because it is a wedding and I want it to be a bit more formal, there will be assigned seating and a dinner at a specific time all under a tent in case of rain. For family get togethers, we can fit much more becuase there isn't assigned seating, people come and go, people sit inside and outside, front yard and back yard, etc.

gailpete · November 2010

"I had never heard of inviting people who were not invited to the wedding, but then I considered all of those showers that we've thrown for our co-workers when we weren't all invited to their weddings, etc... I thought I would ask for some honest opinions and see if anyone had ever done something like that before. "

From Emily Post- A shower thrown for a co-worker is the only occasion where it is acceptable to invite people to a shower that are not invited to the wedding.

All of the advice you have received here has been good advice. It was not meant to be mean-spirited. Please take it to heart.

Muffin'sMom · November 2010

I don't consider my response rude...but definitely plainly spoken. I'm a mom myself, and perhaps at times tend to sound like one. I tried to give you apicture of why people are telling you it is rude, as opposed to just saying it's rude.

At this point, I think you have the idea.

Judith233 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_jack-n-jill-shower-guests-not-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:4bd24d17-3a35-4702-af3d-8c311eb155a2Post:58a7c548-c22d-48ae-aaeb-e17811e7cbad">Re: Jack-n-Jill Shower with Guests Not Invited to Wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Jack-n-Jill Shower with Guests Not Invited to Wedding? : You asked for honest opinions, so you got honest opinions. If you think the whole ides of showers is tacky, then I don't know why we are even having this discussion. Tell your Mom and Maids that you "appreciate their offer, but you would rather not have the shower and if they would like to have a party with friends that it sounds wonderful, but please do not incorporate the wedding."
Posted by ekilzer1[/QUOTE]

this is your best option. and like PP said, everything between now and your wedding does not have to be somehow related to your wedding. Just emphasize to your mom & others pushing this that you don't want people to feel second class so you think the party should just be another family reunion.

Revangel · November 2010

Ok I haven't read all of the responses as there are a lot of them, but I just wanted to put my two cents in. I think it's inappropriate to invite anyone to a wedding party thing/shower or whatever it is if they arne't invited to the wedding. That being said, my mother and FMIL are hosting my shower and have invited a few people that won't be invited to the wedding. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. But my FMIL has insisted that it's common in her "circle". It might depend on the area you or in or in the generation of people. As a general rule I think it's inappropriate though. Additionally, it's different say if you're family or mother or whatever invite people to the occasion vs you and your husband to be.

The exception is a stag/buck and doe which is a fundraiser, and an open invitation to EVERYONE. This also depends on the the area that you live in. In my area they are very common, very fun, and not tacky.

CSTK1910 · November 2010

1. I agree, you can't really invite people to a pre-wedding event without inviting them to the wedding. I think/hope you understand this by now.

2. If you really do want to invite everyone to the wedding and it is more of a space problem, I would think you could find a venue that would not be that much more expensive than a tent. I was really surprised when I started pricing out tents because they were so expensive! After all the rentals (linens, dishes, catering equipment, bathrooms, etc), it was actually going to be more expensive to do a tented reception in our yard than to have it somewhere inside. I would think if you looked you could find something comparable.

3. If people are really sad about missing the wedding, I would think about doing something after the wedding (but not an actual wedding related party). Maybe have a family reunion and bring your wedding pictures for anyone who wants to look at them. That way no one is forced to take interest in your wedding day, but anyone who wants to can look at them. Aside from the fact that you won't be shovng it in people's faces that you are throwing a big party and they can't come, pictures and a casual party trump showers anyday.

Jack-n-Jill Shower with Guests Not Invited to Wedding?

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