XP: Name change question

housewifehobbiest · December 2011

First off I'm very attached to my last name, and I'm changing it begrudgingly. Its important to FI that our family shares one last name, and that it's his as he is the last of his line. I wanted to move my last name to my middle name, but there is an issue- I already have two middle names! My first middle name is usually linked with my first name, i.e. "Anne Marie" and my second middle name is a family name that has an unusual spelling which I share with my grandmother, aunt, and 4 cousins. To be honest, I don't really want to drop either, but Anne Marie Luissa Smith Anderson is a bit lengthy.

Any suggestions? Or stories from people who had a similar issue?

crash2729 · December 2011

If that is your real name..I would take that out now.

Internet safety.

Other wise I think you should do what you want. It's your name. *shrug* whatever you like.

I'm out of advice..sorry.

GretchenLaRoux · December 2011

What crash said.

I think it's possible you could make your first middle name a part of your first name... Annemarie, or hyphenate it. Then make your current last name your new second middle name. Or, if you're not very attached to it, you could drop the "Marie" part altogether, unless people usually call you Anne Marie. So, I guess, the question is: Do you typically just go by Anne, or Anne Marie?

andrea2473 · December 2011

If this was me: I think you just need to choose between the two last names. The first middle goes with your name and the second middle means a lot to you. So you just have to decide what is more important regarding your last name. Your feelings or FIs.

For the record, I have a friend with five names and she loves it. It's a little ridiculous but she has fun with it. So all five names isn't out of the question.

[Deleted User] · December 2011

My sister has five names because my parents gave her three middle names. She only uses one most of the time. It's not unheard of.

Also, crash is wise, edit to remove your full name.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2011

My H has 4 names and he never uses his second middle. He uses the initial of his first middle name. Even so, he wouldn't get rid of his second because it's his mother's maiden name. Just because they're there, doesn't mean you need to use them.

housewifehobbiest · December 2011

Not my actual name

I've got enough crazy people to deal with in my real life to add internet crazies.

I imagine I would usually use just my first and last, but first-middle is an affectionate family pet name, so I wouldn't like to get rid of it. Would it be insane to keep all 5 if I usually just went by first - FI's last?

I'm the kind of person who can't throw away third grade macaroni art because it has too much emotional attachment. I guess I'm a name hoarder too.

GretchenLaRoux · December 2011

I don't think it's insane to keep all the names, and like PPs have said, you don't have to use all of them all of the time. If you're attached to all of them, don't get rid of them. Most people will give zero fuucks how many names you have.

lnm130 · December 2011

So I cna make my last name into a second middle name? So I could be Sarah Nicole Smith Anders (obviously not real) and just sign the Sarah Anders?

aragx6 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-name-change-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:66b25c99-6c84-4b08-895e-645da0d03f3fPost:a143349d-c72c-47d2-b62f-94614e5b5d8d">Re: XP: Name change question</a>:
[QUOTE]So I cna make my last name into a second middle name? So I could be Sarah Nicole Smith Anders (obviously not real) and just sign the Sarah Anders?
Posted by lnm130[/QUOTE]

Yes. That's what I plan to do as well.

lnm130 · December 2011

Thank goodness! My FI wants me to change my name, but I LOVE my maiden name...so that's exactly what I'll do.

So glad I don't need to sign both...my maiden is 11 letters and my FH's is 6

aragx6 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-name-change-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:66b25c99-6c84-4b08-895e-645da0d03f3fPost:cb14715f-f271-419e-8437-ad5d2aef353d">Re: XP: Name change question</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank goodness! My FI wants me to change my name, but I LOVE my maiden name...so that's exactly what I'll do. So glad I don't need to sign both...my maiden is 11 letters and my FH's is 6
Posted by lnm130[/QUOTE]

I have <em>heard</em> that in some cases women have trouble with the social security administration when they want to do anything other than change their last name to their husband's (which is some stupid sexist stuff if you ask me), so it's possible you will have to get a court order. You pay about $100 to go in front of a judge who'll ask you "Why do you want to change your name?" and you'll say "To better reflect who I am as a person and where I've come from" and the judge signs off. I'll jump through the hoops regardless, but just be aware that you might need to as well.

jolla92126 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-name-change-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:66b25c99-6c84-4b08-895e-645da0d03f3fPost:cc324963-987c-44f4-8bee-7220a2dc50e5">XP: Name change question</a>:
[QUOTE]Any suggestions?
Posted by NYCFoodieBride[/QUOTE]

Yeah. Don't change your name.

housewifehobbiest · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-name-change-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:66b25c99-6c84-4b08-895e-645da0d03f3fPost:3ef9051b-8b19-421e-9a27-4cecfe6f335d">Re: XP: Name change question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to XP: Name change question : Yeah. Don't change your name.
Posted by jolla92126[/QUOTE]

That's a little rude. As I had mentioned, I've already decided that, while I don't love the idea, I will be changing my name. We all make little sacrifices when we combine lives with someone else. This is one I'm prepared to make. The question was in regards to the best way to make the whole long five names best work.

PinkRoseAcct · December 2011

The NYS marraige license only allows for a surname change, not first or middle name change, FYI.

housewifehobbiest · December 2011

Very good to know! I was planning on doing some more intensive research on the how-to's once the holiday season was over (its 60+ hour work weeks this time of the year for me). I imagined I would have to jump through some hoops.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-name-change-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:66b25c99-6c84-4b08-895e-645da0d03f3fPost:43ff8045-e8e7-4d4a-b1fa-f65b0b186378">Re: XP: Name change question</a>:
[QUOTE]The NYS marraige license only allows for a surname change, not first or middle name change, FYI.
Posted by PinkRoseAcct[/QUOTE]

crash2729 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-name-change-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:66b25c99-6c84-4b08-895e-645da0d03f3fPost:3ef9051b-8b19-421e-9a27-4cecfe6f335d">Re: XP: Name change question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to XP: Name change question : Yeah. Don't change your name.
Posted by jolla92126[/QUOTE]

Really? But I guess this is kind of what you usually post.

OP, Thank goodness that's not your real name. You made me a little nervous!
I'm going to change my name to be first middle maiden FI's last. I thought about hyphenating but I think that goes down to your kids (Does it?) and we both have long names. I can't drop my middle because it's what I go by, but I can't drop my first because it's a family name.

Just do whatever you are comfortable with. You have a lot of options.

Calypso1977 · December 2011

i would just keep your name if you like it and dont want to change it. your H will get over it - mine did.

Calypso1977 · December 2011

i would just keep your name if you like it and dont want to change it. your H will get over it - mine did.

adamar15 · December 2011

I don't think Jolla's post was rude. Straight to the point, maybe. You really don't sound like you want to change your name, and you shouldn't have to.

housewifehobbiest · December 2011

Maybe I'm not explaining myself well enough. I don't HAVE to, FI certainly isn't forcing me, but again it is what I am doing. I've been mulling it over with lots of discussion and feedback from FI for the past year, and I've decided that changing my name is the best course. Keeping my maiden name as my middle name and giving one of our children my maiden name as a middle name is the compromise.

I do lots of things I don't really want to do, but marriage is about compromise. I don't even want a wedding! But it's important to FMIL so we're having one. I pick my battles, and I'm ok with what we've worked out.

I promise, I have no problem standing my ground on an issue I'm passionate about.

tenofcups4me · December 2011

You're the one who said you're changing it begrudgingly. You don't have a lot of good options:

- keep your name
- drop one of the names you really care about
- keep them all and have a ridiculously long legal name that probably won't fit on most forms (which you may or may not actually be able to do legally in NY)

Nobody can tell you which to do, but there's no one good option. Something's gotta give somewhere.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_xp-name-change-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:66b25c99-6c84-4b08-895e-645da0d03f3fPost:023e4346-c13c-4696-a5fb-cfdf1e1d3c6e">Re: XP: Name change question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP: Name change question : Really? But I guess this is kind of what you usually post. OP, Thank goodness that's not your real name. You made me a little nervous! I'm going to change my name to be first middle maiden FI's last.<strong> I thought about hyphenating but I think that goes down to your kids (Does it?) and we both have long names.</strong> I can't drop my middle because it's what I go by, but I can't drop my first because it's a family name. Just do whatever you are comfortable with. You have a lot of options.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

You can give your children whatever last name you wish. It does not have to be your husband's name, or even either your last name or your husband's last name. This also occassionally depends on where you live, but in no case have I ever heard of someone having to have a hyphenated last name because their mother does. At least not in the US.

polichik · December 2011

Here's what we did. Before the wedding, our names were (not really, but you know):

Julie Jane Andrews
Ryan Anthony Gosling

I added Gosling as my second last name (no hyphen), and Ryan added Andrews as his second middle name. Now, we are:

Julie Jane Andrews Gosling
Ryan Anthony Andrews Gosling

So, his legal last name is still Gosling, while mine is Andrews Gosling. Our children will have Andrews Gosling as their last names, and we go socially as "The Andrews Goslings."

I rarely if ever use my middle name, execpt in initial form, so I don't think having an extra middle name would be a problem. Lots of people struggle with understanding how I have two last names, but it was totally worth it for us.

housewifehobbiest · December 2011

polichik that is cute! I really like the idea of him taking my maiden name as a second middle name. I know thats not exactly what you did, but it made me think of it .Our names actually blend together phonetically (Smith-Thick for example) and I was teasingly suggesting that. If we did what you did I would just be Anne Smithick (which I would actually like- so hyphenating might be a possibility) but his first name but my last name equals a funny famous person, or a parody of that person if you combine.

maelic · December 2011

I considered adding my FI's last name to mine for a while but I figured I can always do that later if I feel the need to. Our kids will have hyphenated last names, regardless of what my name is.

If having the same name is really important to your FI, you could both hyphenate. I mean, he's the last of his family, sure, and he can still have his last name in his last name. You could have three middle names, but at that point I wonder what the point is. You're almost never going to use all five of your names at once. Yes, legally you'll be Anne Marie Luissa Smith Anderson but realistically that's not the name that will appear on your passport. Or your license. You're not going to use that as your signature. You're not going to fill out forms with it, you're not going to receive mail addressed to that name. I think there are more practical solutions, here, and one of them is hyphenating. First Middle Middle Last-Last, at least that's more self contained.

(Though I agree with PP, the easiest thing to do is not change your name. You'll be a family anyway, I promise).

kristinanddan · December 2011

Yeah you'll have to do a legal name change through the courts for that. Per the NYS dept of health, the following are your options on the marriage license application:

Option 1: the surname of either spouse; or
Option 2: any former surname of either spouse; or
Option 3: a name combining into a single surname, all or a segment of, the premarriage surname, or any former surname, of each spouse; or
Option 4: a combination surname separated by a hyphen, provided that each part of such combination surname is the premarriage surname, or any former surname, of each of the spouses.

lenergyrlah · December 2011

You do not have to go by your legal name. My FI has 5 names (first, 2 middle, 2 last). He goes by his first name and one of his last names. You don't ever need the other names unless you are signing a government document (i.e. passport application etc).

I don't see why you can't make your legal name "Anne Marie Loueisa Smith Johnson" and just go by "Anne Marie Johnson."

Miley Cyrus just changed her name a couple years ago and she's gone by "Miley" her whole life.

Karen's MOH · December 2011

FYI to people considering adding their maiden name as a middle name, I had no problem doing it in MA. SS had no issues, the only problem was I didn't think about what to put on my licences and without thinking it over, put both middle initials-- I should have just gone with one to make things easier.

It is a little ridiculous having 5 names, but I'm sure you can do it legally (might have to do the legal name change thing instead of just the shortened marriage one). I feel a little ridiculous with 4 names, but like you, my middle name is a family name and ties me to my mom's side as much as my last name ties me to my dad's side, so I really wanted to keep them both. Then again, my middle name ties me to practically every catholic girl out there, but still

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