Can't compromise about a Bridesmaids dress...Need Help

MsSirius · January 2010

I'm planning my sisters wedding and she is stuck on this one bridesmaids dress. No one feels all that comfortable and have been asking to compromise. We have sent tons of pics of emails and tried talking to her. We have gotten responses like we don't get a say and why do we think we do. She has even told us that she doesn't think we do. I love my sister but I don't know how to talk to her. I'm literally about to tell her to plan this herself. I know it's my hormones speaking since I'm about 6 months pregnant. How can we find a way to talk to her and come to a compromise? Thanks for the advice in advance.

Minimax052910 · January 2010

What's wrong with the dress she chose?

She's your sister, you shouldn't threat to back out of her wedding over a dress for only one day. Have you tried talking to her in person? Have you tried on the dress she wants you to get? Did she see it? I'm not sure why you all don't like the dress, more details would help.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

Send her over to the Wedding Party board. We'll set her straight. Or you could just inform her that she's alienating her closest friends over a couple of yards of fabric. Or let an outside party like her mom try to give her that dose of perspective.

Frankly, I don't think it matters why you don't like the dress. If every bridesmaid is uncomfortable in it, then you shouldn't have to wear it and she's really inconsiderate to treat you like mannequins.

MsSirius · January 2010

I would never back out. I have basically done everything for her and we just want to feel comfortaable. The dress is long and all the short girls feel stumpy in it especially since she wants no one but her in heels. The dress has an older looking feel to it. Everyone wanted something young and could wear again.She saw the dress on us. My youngest sister thought she looked so bad she was in tears asking to try on something else. We all got on the phone with her since she lives 3 hours away. All she has said is this is her day and we have to where what she wants. We have even said we'll wear the long but can we find something that we all like.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

Okay, the "you all have to wear flats and I'm the only one who can wear heels" is CLASSIC bridezilla. Somebody not in the wedding party needs to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her ASAP.

MsSirius · January 2010

When we heard that we were lost. She's about 5'7 and the rest of us don't even pass 5'2 the shortest is 4'11. Her reasoning was no one could be taller than her. She is looking to by at least 3 inch heels to wear with her wedding dress. My mom has tried and my sister even fights with her.

JCKG04 · January 2010

WOW! there is power in numbers! I say you all get together and discuss this with her, calmly and rationally. She really needs to compromise...I understand it is her wedding, but if she expects you all to shell out your cash for a dress, accessories etc she needs to get over herself and compromise!

Minimax052910 · January 2010

Even though she's being harsh on the dress code, you all agreed to be her bridesmaids. The dress is not a big deal, it's all about being there for her in support.

In my opinion, it's too bad that you probably won't wear that dress again, but it's a HONOR to be part of her wedding. I think you all just need to tolerate it and understand that when it is your wedding day (future or in past) you have the say in what your bridesmaids wear. It just happens that your sister is inconsiderate to her bridesmaids' feelings/thoughts. But at least the dresses are not flashy or make you guys look half naked. Even if you don't think you look good in the dress, it does not matter, its not your day, it's the bride's day.

I'm not saying to "Suck it up" but just to deal with it. It's only one day anyways.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_cant-compromise-bridesmaids-dressneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:ab27547e-5a48-4ad3-bad0-c4dfcef3b651Post:f0621879-5f81-4667-9f08-3becb9916e2e">Re: Can't compromise about a Bridesmaids dress...Need Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not saying to "Suck it up" but just to deal with it. It's only one day anyways.
Posted by Minimax052910[/QUOTE]
Um, that's pretty much exactly what you're saying. The "It's my day" crap doesn't fly once you start involving others, like by asking them to be bridesmaids. OP's sister is absolutely, positively in the wrong to be treating her closest friends and family this way. An engagement ring isn't license to run roughshod all over her loved ones. She's being a bad bride and she's being an appallingly bad friend.

Minimax052910 · January 2010

She's still the bride. It's just a dress. You don't have to agree with me.

MsSirius · January 2010

I'm beyond happy to be in her wedding and help her. I know with me I don't feel comfortable in the dress bc I'll have given birth 3 weeks before. I completely understand this is her wedding. I guess we all hoped she would try to see our point. If she won't change the dress we'll be glad to put it on and make her happy.

Minimax052910 · January 2010

That's a good attitude.

angel2210 · January 2010

If I'M paying for something to wear, you bet your asss I want to have some sort of say in what it is. If it were me and my sister were being that inconsiderate I'd tell her I'd gladly wear it if she gladly paid for it. There's no reason to make everyone uncomfortable because it's "your day."

mbcdefg · January 2010

Wearing an unflattering dress is bad enough, but her making you all wear flats so she'll be the tallest, and telling you outright that you don't get a say, is just her being a royal twaat. (And no, that's not your hormones talking. She's really being a jerk.)

I would agree to just appease her and wear the dress if it were ONLY the dress, but she's going WAY too far with everything else. Someone needs to talk/smack some sense into her, before she loses all her friends.

Was she always this way? Or did the wedding turn her into this beast?

psichick · January 2010

why are you planning HER wedding? it's her wedding not yours.

and i would tell her that everyone is uncomfortable in the dress and do not want to wear it. if she wants to go with that dress, then she needs to pay for it for everyone. sounds like she's being a classic bridezilla and wants everyone to look horrible so that she looks that much better. classic ugly friend scenario.

trix1223 · January 2010

Oh my. Your sister has just won the gold medal in the BZ olympics. Forcing your friends and family to pay for and wear a dress that NO ONE, NO ONE, NO ONE, likes is just selfish. Insisting on their shoes so that they won't be taller than she is stupid.

This girl has watched one too many episodes of Whose Wedding and Bridezilas and sadly, believes that stuff like that matters.

Please send your sis over to the WP board. We'll give her the straight scoop. For the poster who is defending her, a wedding doesn't allow you to become an inconsiderate, self-centered AW.

Who else is betting that this bride also dictates hair style, nail color, and jewelry~and to add insult to injury, doesn't pay for any of it.

OP: I wish I had advice. It sounds like you and your mom and the other BMs have tried to talk to the bride and she's just entirely too wrapped up in it being her spay-shul day. I'm not sure anything will get through to her short of a mass "declining of the honor" of being in the WP.

Minimax052910 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_cant-compromise-bridesmaids-dressneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:ab27547e-5a48-4ad3-bad0-c4dfcef3b651Post:c464b05e-9558-4c92-96aa-b923aa157ba5">Re: Can't compromise about a Bridesmaids dress...Need Help</a>:
[QUOTE]For the poster who is defending her, a wedding doesn't allow you to become an inconsiderate, self-centered AW.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

<div>Is it really the worth of all stress/drama/fight to have to stick up for a dress that the bride want her bridesmaids to wear? We ALL honestly know that when you are asked to be a bridesmaid, and you choose to say yes, you're obligated to buy a dress in a reasonable budget and that's it.</div><div>
</div><div>We also ALL know that it's usually the bride that makes the final say in what her bridesmaids wear. Is it really the worth of drama/stress/fight over a single dress? She sounds like she made her decision and that's what she's going with. And please dont tell me "but some would like to get a dress they can wear again..." honestly, how many of you actually wore your bridesmaids dresses more than 3 times outside the wedding? As far as I know all of my friends and my sister (been in 5 weddings) never wore her bridesmaid dresses, even though it's "wearable". </div><div>
</div><div>I'm not defending her sister's "bridezilla" attitude, but really, truly it's just a dress for a day. If she wants to defend herself and others then go for it and expect lot of stress/drama/tears.</div>

amtroyer · January 2010

I understand it is "her day" so she probably has a vision of how she wants everything to look, but she is being completely unreasonable. Is part of her vision for the day having her BMs not look their best, and feel uncomfortable and look awkward the entire day??

If no one likes it and no one feels comfortable, everyone will be able to tell, no matter how big the smiles on their faces are. I agree that someone who is not a bridesmaid needs to tell her that the dresses make the BMs look awkward bc they're uncomfortable.

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

It sounds like it's a hell of a lot more than a dress, though. If she were otherwise being reasonable, then fine. (Of course, reasonable people are willing to compromise a bit to make everyone happy.) But it sounds like she's WAY, way over the line.

FWIW, I would never have tolerated this sort of behavior from one of my sisters, especially if she were normally sane and had just totally lost it over the wedding. I would have sat her down and said, "Sis, I love you and I support your marriage, but I don't support your childish behavior. If you decide to stop treating your friends like garbage, I'll be right up there with you. Until then, I wash my hands of this mess."

The bride probably thinks, "It's just a dress, why are they being so difficult?" She clearly doesn't realize that the bigger problem is the awful way that she's acting.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

Wow, your sister has really jumped on the bridezilla train. You need to have a calm but direct conversation with her about this. She needs to understand that she is really being ridiculous, and she's opening herself up to really alienate her friends over this. A wedding is one day, and BM dresses really don't matter. She's still going to want and need her friends after she's married, and it's going to suck if they are all still annoyed with her for behaving this way.

It's not just abuot a dress or shoes. It's about being so selfish that you completely disregard your friends comfort and feelings, and treat them like props.

saisongbird · January 2010

Minimax, yes part of the deal is wearing a dress that the bride picks. HOWEVER, if ALL of my girls had HATED the dress I had chosen, guess what? I would have picked a different dress. And not being ALLOWED to wear heels? That's insane. The girls should show up in heels just to defy this bridezilla.

The girls you choose for your BMs should be your best friends in the world. You should want them to be happy and comfortable. If you don't, then you are possibly the worst friend in the world. Ever.

mbcdefg · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_cant-compromise-bridesmaids-dressneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:ab27547e-5a48-4ad3-bad0-c4dfcef3b651Post:07b1281d-dbc9-40e3-8f53-f798ccdf1d75">Re: Can't compromise about a Bridesmaids dress...Need Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can't compromise about a Bridesmaids dress...Need Help : Is it really the worth of all stress/drama/fight to have to stick up for a dress that the bride want her bridesmaids to wear? We ALL honestly know that when you are asked to be a bridesmaid, and you choose to say yes, you're obligated to buy a dress in a reasonable budget and that's it. We also ALL know that it's usually the bride that makes the final say in what her bridesmaids wear. Is it really the worth of drama/stress/fight over a single dress? She sounds like she made her decision and that's what she's going with. And please dont tell me "but some would like to get a dress they can wear again..." honestly, how many of you actually wore your bridesmaids dresses more than 3 times outside the wedding? As far as I know all of my friends and my sister (been in 5 weddings) never wore her bridesmaid dresses, even though it's "wearable". I'm not defending her sister's "bridezilla" attitude, but really, truly it's just a dress for a day. If she wants to defend herself and others then go for it and expect lot of stress/drama/tears.
Posted by Minimax052910[/QUOTE]

But it's not <em>just </em>about the dress. She's treating her sister and her friends like garbage.

banana468 · January 2010

I understand that within reason, you wear the dress that the bride picks. However, if all of your BMs are grown adults with reasonable taste, you need to listen to them. Unless you're dealing with a situation where your BMs still think BM dress = skintight black dress you'd wear to a club, you do need to listen to them when they say, "This dress just won't work."

Remember, how it appears on a mannequin and how it appears on your dearest female friends and family are two different things. THAT dress may look great on the mannequin or model but if it doesn't flatter your BMs and MOH, why stick with it? Presumably, the vision you have is of your friends and family, standing next to you on your wedding day and looking GREAT in the dress - not looking miserable and lumpy in it.

And if I were due three weeks before the wedding, I'd simply refuse to wear any dress that wasn't a maternity item. For all I know, I might only give birth ONE week before the wedding and there's no way I'd be down to size (and what size would that even be??). I'd need a dress that was comfortable for my 'new mom' frame.

So if I were expecting, I'd say, "Sis, I love you but I simply cannot buy that dress given that I need to buy a maternity item. I love you dearly, but with all my new expenses coming up, I need to keep in mind that if I do buy that dress, I may have to buy an additional one within days of the birth of my child and at that time, my focus HAS to be on being a new mom. I did do some research though and that designer has __ dress as a maternity item that will look great in a long length and in that color.

If I wasn't expecting, I'd say, "Oh sis(or friend), you know I love you but my finances are so limited right now and I can't spend money on that dress that I know I really just don't like along with flats that you insist I wear. Instead, let's go shopping together and we can find a dress that looks great on all of us."

The sister has really gone into 'zilla territory. Dictating a dres AND a shoe height isn't appropriate. When brides do this, more often than not, the friends are ready for her wedding to be OVER.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

I think you SHOULD throw all the planning back on her. Unless she is paying you, it is not your responsibility to plan her wedding. That is very selfish of her. The planning is up to her and her FI and paid staff, not YOU.

You and the BMs need to stick up for yourselves. But if you aren't going to actually have a backbone about it, then you all need to step down. Your sister needs a reality check about how she treats people.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

"Sis, it seems like I'm disappointing you and not living up to your expectations. Rather than ruin your special day, I'm going to have to step down from the wedding."

True? No. But at least it will get you out.

MsSirius · January 2010

Thanks fo all the advice and viewpoints. You ladies are right it really is more than just the dress. It came out yesterday in a fight that she feels we've taken over the wedding. None of us know how since she has approved everything and has basically asked us to please take care of things for her. She even went as far as saying I ruined the invites which I admit I did print the wrong zip but I called her right away and cried to her saying I would pay for new reply envelopes. That hurt my feelings. After a huge fight between my mom and sister I think my mom was able to show her she was alienating us and it should be a group effort since both my dads family and our family are helping with the bill. She eventually told my mom your right. She realized that the bridesmaids should have a say and that putting me in a dress that is uncomfortable after having a baby is not fair. I haven't spoken to her yet but I'm hoping to talk to her soon. Once again Thank you ladies.

Minimax052910 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_cant-compromise-bridesmaids-dressneed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:15Discussion:ab27547e-5a48-4ad3-bad0-c4dfcef3b651Post:ab9f7219-b527-4f13-bed3-42f5e120b326">Re: Can't compromise about a Bridesmaids dress...Need Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Minimax, yes part of the deal is wearing a dress that the bride picks. HOWEVER, if ALL of my girls had HATED the dress I had chosen, guess what? I would have picked a different dress. And not being ALLOWED to wear heels? That's insane. The girls should show up in heels just to defy this bridezilla. The girls you choose for your BMs should be your best friends in the world. You should want them to be happy and comfortable. If you don't, then you are possibly the worst friend in the world. Ever.
Posted by saisongbird[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm totally with you there. I agree that what she's acting like a bridezilla with the dress. I would never do that to my friends, I let them pick out their own styles and then we all agreed on one. But she's the way she is. I'm not siding with her, but I'm just trying to make a light out of this situation. Apparently there's lot more to it other than the dress. I just think that a dress shouldn't be a cause of all the drama/stress. If anything I think that the bridemaids should stick up for themselves when they're expected to do other things than they should be obligated for (such as doing invitations by yourself and paying for other things). </div><div>
</div><div>Anyways, I hope you and your sister can work it out. Perhaps your mom should talk to her privately, mention to her that she'd look foolish if all of her bridesmaids look ridiculous in the wedding because all the guests would know that the bride made the decision. </div>

DianneMoB · January 2010

If you remain part of the wedding party be sure to buy a maternity dress. It takes most women weeks or months to regain their figure after giving birth.

Frankly, this drama is almost laughable, especially the zip code wrong on the reply envelopes. It's the BRIDE's responsibility to proofread any printed materials going to invitees. Good luck with getting through this process with your sanity intact. You need to recuse yourself from the process for the health of your baby.

RaneeB · January 2010

Some one may have said this already I didnt read all of the posts.

Have you all tried on the dress? I have 3 different styles of dresses because of the different shapes and sizes of my bridesmaids. My matron of honor looked so uncomfortable in the 2 I orginally picked that we found one she was comfortable in that matched the others. I have to look at those pictures for the rest of my life and if my bridesmaids look bad, I look bad. I want them to look the best they possibly can.

krmabojo · January 2010

If you are uncomfortable in the dress, she needs to realize this. She should want her bridal party to be comfortable. None of you want to worry about popping out of a dress or not having full mobility on her big day.

I know you have talked to her, but keep trying. I know if my BMs told me they were uncomfortable I would let them switch.

Yeah it is her wedding, but yeah, you have to be comfortable too.

kimka83 · January 2010

I know she is being a zilla, but please don't drop out. The ugly dress and frumpy shoes will last for only one day; but if you drop out, the hurt feelings will certainly last for longer. She is your sister, and I agree that she should be treating you better. But taking a stand and dropping out could harm your relationship permanently. Think carefully about this. Being estranged from family is devastating.

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