Potential bridesmaid problem

depoyba · March 2010

I just got engaged and am planning my wedding party. I am a bridesmaid in my friends wedding this June and I really want her to be in my wedding. The problem is she has another friend who has the same wedding date as I do. She has been planning on going to her other friends wedding because they have been engaged longer and I just set my date. Her friend is not in her wedding, but I am so I feel like she should be in mine to return the favor. I have not officially asked her to be in the wedding I just figured she knew because we had talked about it before. Her friend just started planning so she is not sure if she is going to be a bridesmaid in that wedding yet. I don't know if I should ask her to be in mine or just wait and see if she is going to be in her friends and ask someone else. I would really like to get this part of the planning done with soon. I can not change my date it is the date I have always wanted and works out perfectly for everything else. I am just unsure of what to do. Thank you for reading

laurasims · March 2010

I would ask her, but you need to understand if she decides to go to the other friends wedding. Let it be her choice and don't get mad at her decision. If she does decide to go to the other wedding, don't think it's because she doesn't value you as a friend.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

If your bio is correct your wedding isn't for over a year - June 2011. You still have quite a bit of time before you need to ask anyone to be in the BP. Typically it's about 6-8 months out from the wedding before asking since there's nothing to do earlier (BM dresses don't need to be ordered until about 4-5 months out) and relationships can also change. Alot of the drama on this board stems from girls asking too early and then regretting their choices....but by then it's too late and you can't "unask" or fire a BM w/o it being most likely friendship ending. It's very insulting to do that. So, with that said...you have some time.

Also, WPs are not "tit for tat". Just b/c you were in someone's wedding doesn't mean they should automatically be in yours and vice versa. It's not a favor - it's an honor.

Wait until a little closer to your wedding date and then ask the people who are your dearest friends. If this girl is one of them, ask her. If she can be in your wedding and wants to accept then she will. If she has another commitment to either attend or be part of someone else's wedding then she'll let you know. But she's not obligated to be in yours simply b/c you're in hers. The choice will be up to her to make...

suz62984 · March 2010

I wouldn't ask ANYONE, yes anyone!, until around September or October. Friendships change as well as people. This may work itself out. If you must ask now though...ask her...but make it clear that you don't want her to feel obligated. You just want her to know how special she is to you.

lalap69 · March 2010

1) Wedding's aren't tit for tat. She doesn't have to be your BM just because you were hers.

2) You're too far out to ask your WP. Relationships can change and then you'll be on here asking how you can boot a BM (scroll through the board if you don't believe me; also hint: you can't.)

3) Ultimately, your friend is going to choose which wedding to go to based on her own criteria. You can't pressure her to come to your wedding or she'll just resent you. And asking her to be a BM so she'll pick yours just seems manipulative.

emilyinchile · March 2010

Being asked to be in her wedding is an honor she has given you, not a favor you're doing her that she has to return. Please check out a lot of the posts on this board to get more of an idea of what being a BM means.

Wait to ask your BMs. When the time comes, if she is one of your best friends in the world, ask her to be a BM. It's an invitation that she can accept or decline if she decides to go to her friend's wedding. If she declines, you don't need to replace her, nor do you need to not ask someone if she accepts - ask the people you want to ask rather than focusing on filling a set number of spots.

depoyba · March 2010

Thank you all for your replies. I am not going to ask anyone for awhile it is hard because one of my friends lives with me and keeps dropping hints about being in the wedding, but I will just wait it out. I did tell my cousin, sister and my future sister-in-law that they will be bridesmaids becuase I am positive that they will be but I will wait to pick the other two. Again thanks

lalap69 · March 2010

I'm glad you're waiting. Thanks for being so reasonable.

mbcdefg · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_potential-bridesmaid-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:bca1f003-3252-469a-8b44-aeef3695c34fPost:822fd889-ac46-4c46-8708-c75da6152793">Re: Potential bridesmaid problem</a>:
[QUOTE]one of my friends lives with me and keeps dropping hints about being in the wedding, but I will just wait it out.
Posted by depoyba[/QUOTE]

A girl was here recently saying she asked a roommate to be her bridesmaid, and is now really regretting it, but didn't think she could un-ask (even though the friendship seemed like it was over anyway) because they still had to live together for several more months.

So, yeah, I agree that it's smart to wait a while. Especially if you know if/when you will not be roommates anymore.

Potential bridesmaid problem

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