Who's paying for the wedding anyways?

shanaea87 · April 2011

So I just needed some advice here on how to deal with this new situation of mine. My fiance and I set up the budget for our wedding to fit into what we can afford. My parents offered to pay for the catering because that is what they paid for in my brother's wedding.

Well...today my dad decides to tell me that he plans on paying for my ENTIRE wedding. My dad has it in his head that he, as the father of the bride, is supposed to pay for the wedding. Now what's the problem you ask.

My fiance is the complete opposite of my father. He was raised that you work for what you get and take care of what you need without help. Therefore, he is against my father paying for the entire wedding.

I honestly get both of their POVs and I can't sit here and say that it wouldn't be nice to not pay for the wedding. (We are looking for a house and I am looking for a full time teaching position) Regardless of who pays the budget stays the same and whatnot.

Anyways... to make a long story short (or not) how can I resolve this while making both of them happy with the outcome?

trawas01 · April 2011

Oof I wish I had an offer of someone to pay for mine...

Anyway, perhaps have a conversation with Dad that its important you do some things on your own and work out that they can pay for more then just catering but not all of it. That way you compromise between the two.

However if it was me, I'd smack the fiance over the head and tell him that our money can be better spent elsewhere if someone else wants rights over paying for the big day. lol

NOLAbridealmost · April 2011

I'd be more inclined to have a conversation with FI about the other things you could use the money for as you start your lives together. Presumably, your parents are more settled in and have more assets from their years of hard work than you and your FI who are just getting started. Tell FI you guys can pay it forward by hosting your own daughter's wedding someday.

I'm all about hard work, but never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Girlie1030 · April 2011

Just something to keep in mind, if it your parents do end up paying, they will get a say in all aspects of it. If you and and your fiance pay, all decisions are yours. Good luck!

lthom17 · April 2011

Can you ask your dad to adopt me? PM me if you're down.

lyndausvi · April 2011

My parents paid for a lot of my wedding. We, however paid for the 'traditional' groom parts (flowers,officiant, RD, etc). We also picked up the photographer and a few other items.

Maybe you could suggest something like that. If your dad is 'traditional' he can't argue with the groom picking up some stuff.

leia1979 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whos-paying-wedding-anyways?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4cbad7e0-9d6f-4510-8cb9-1c037e843874Post:b748bde2-d627-4662-838f-09f1369112e5">Re: Who's paying for the wedding anyways?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be more inclined to have a conversation with FI about the other things you could use the money for as you start your lives together. <strong>Presumably, your parents are more settled in and have more assets from their years of hard work than you and your FI who are just getting started.</strong> Tell FI you guys can pay it forward by hosting your own daughter's wedding someday. I'm all about hard work, but never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

Maybe they're retired and need to live out their lives on a fixed income. My parents need the money more than I do, since I'm employed and they aren't.

OP, maybe you and FI can work out a compromise. For example, what if your parents picked up a couple other items (flowers or photographer, etc), but you and FI still pay for the rest.

mkovacik · April 2011

My FI's parents just gave us a check as a wedding present. They didn't think it was anyone's responsibility to pay for the wedding but the bride and groom but they did want to help us start their lives off comfortably. My FI's parents gifted us with the same amount of money they spent on each of their daughter's weddings (3 of them). Their reasoning was, if the daughters had wanted to elope and keep the cash then they could but instead they chose to spend it on the wedding and we got to choose the same thing. Save it or spend it... we're spending it!

The point is, could your dad just give you a "wedding present" that just happens to cover the cost of the whole wedding? How convenient and awesome! And your FI can hardly turn down such a nice gift!

ootmother2 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whos-paying-wedding-anyways?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4cbad7e0-9d6f-4510-8cb9-1c037e843874Post:581ecd45-653d-4e54-bb5a-3ae7040cbd7f">Re: Who's paying for the wedding anyways?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just something to keep in mind, if it your parents do end up paying, they will get a say in all aspects of it. If you and and your fiance pay, all decisions are yours. Good luck!
Posted by Girlie1030[/QUOTE]

Sorry, but I have to disagree here

My exH & I paid for our daughter's wedding totally, other than their rings and HM. the only things we asked were

1) Invitations be formal and reflect our taste as we were hosting. We chose simple ecru cotton with black engraving. Traditionally worded

2) That they had a band for the reception rather than a DJ because it was formal. Okay, we would't have pulled funding over that but it was important

Other than that, they had 100% say on everything

Girlie1030 · April 2011

That's because you're cool like that OOT. If my mom was paying for mine, I think she would have been a lot like you and only had a couple of requests. OP's parents could be like that as well but I've just read so many threads on here that say "I want this, but my parents don't. Who's right?" and all of the replies are "Are your parents paying? If so, they are." that I wanted to throw that out there to consider.

ootmother2 · April 2011

I guess i can see that point but M & her then FI were pretty happy and accepting of the gift.

That's what it is, a gift.

I had my wedding, they were entitled to theirs. as they wanted

Girlie1030 · April 2011

Like I said, cool like that.

ootmother2 · April 2011

haha

I was NOT a "cool mom".

Hardass all the way on school, underage drinking, curfew, friends, etc

shanaea87 · April 2011

Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice!

lyndausvi · April 2011

It helps that OOT and M were on the same page as far as how to entertain. I'm sure if M tired to do something that didn't reflect her parents as good hosts it would have been different.

My parents and I were also on the same page. They entertained a lot and hosted my sister's wedding. I knew going into planning what was expected. They never had to pull the 'i'm paying card' because everything that was chosen reflected them as good hosts.

mica178 · April 2011

Oot might not have been a "cool mom" when M was growing up, but I'll bet that oot's a cool mom to her adult daughter now.

My parents paid for our wedding. They wanted to invite a large number of their friends and insisted that we not have a buffet (I didn't want one anyway), but otherwise, they said we could do anything as long as the food was good and the rest of the stuff would be memorable enough that the guests would go home happy. Oh, and my mother oversaw all the flowers. But that was it. I chose the colors, H chose the band, we decided on the menu, the wine list, the liquor offerings.

If you think that your parents will give you reasonably fair reign over your wedding, I'd tell your FI to be grateful for the gift (and tell FI that he can pay for the honeymoon).

teachermegs · April 2011

My parents offered to pay and gave us our budget. We paid all deposits and other little things, but in the end they paid for the major items.
My parents were did not butt in on the plans. They helped with the food choices, but everything else was us. We even had money left over from their budget.

bridezillatobe2009 · April 2011

When it comes time to start putting deposits (this summer) I will have just finished my 3rd year of school while FI pays ALL the bills on the house we own and I use a student loan to pay my rent/tuition/gas/groceries. The wedding is 6 months after I finish next April and WE are paying for everything.

I hate how stressed we are about money and how stressed we have been for the last 3 years however having the wedding I want is important to me and it is an expense I'm willing to pay.

That being said, FI and I both agree we will have at least $20 000 for each child that they can either use for tuition or wedding and the rest is on them. This is something I desperately wish my parents had been able to help me with; either tution or wedding.

regan117 · April 2011

There's nothing wrong with your parents wanting to pay for their daughter's wedding. And as long as you're ok giving them some say if they want it, then you should let them help - consider it a wedding gift. My parents are paying for everything, and the only say they wanted was to add some of their friends to the guest list. No big deal. If your fiance argues about it, just tell him they're just going to give you that money as a wedding gift anyway, so why not just take it now?

Calypso1977 · April 2011

your parents being older does not always mean more money.

my IL's took out a second mortgage to pay for my SIL's wedding. she and her husband easily make $250K a year, my IL's probably $80K a year (one works one is retired). it honestly made me sick that she willingly accepted the money knowing they couldnt really afford to give it to her and she is quite comfortable.

my mom is a widow living on a pension. she has a great deal in savings, but that is for her to live on the next 30 years. no way would i have taken money from her. she offered and we declined.

a lot will say "oh, your parents wouldnt offer if they couldnt afford it or ddidnt want to". sadly, in our society (as evidenced on these boards nearly every day) there is still a large group of folks who think the brides parents are supposed to pay because its "tradition".

slwager · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whos-paying-wedding-anyways?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4cbad7e0-9d6f-4510-8cb9-1c037e843874Post:2d2ea911-fbf4-47aa-b4af-727c8e9003e0">Re: Who's paying for the wedding anyways?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Who's paying for the wedding anyways? : Sorry, but I have to disagree here My exH & I paid for our daughter's wedding totally, other than their rings and HM. the only things we asked were 1) Invitations be formal and reflect our taste as we were hosting. We chose simple ecru cotton with black engraving. Traditionally worded 2) That they had a band for the reception rather than a DJ because it was formal. Okay, we would't have pulled funding over that but it was important Other than that, they had 100% say on everything
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

I like you neighbor. My father (who has wondeful taste) is highjacking the planning a bit. But since he has a great aesthetic eye, I'm pretty much ok with it. Except the part where he told me blue and orange were a color choice i would "regret". Really? FI and I met at Syracuse so it's a play on that. And just orange flowers and accents. Oy.

shanaea87 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whos-paying-wedding-anyways?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4cbad7e0-9d6f-4510-8cb9-1c037e843874Post:9b9a2367-3ec6-4293-8726-8b86db092a58">Re: Who's paying for the wedding anyways?</a>:
[QUOTE]your parents being older does not always mean more money. my IL's took out a second mortgage to pay for my SIL's wedding. she and her husband easily make $250K a year, my IL's probably $80K a year (one works one is retired). it honestly made me sick that she willingly accepted the money knowing they couldnt really afford to give it to her and she is quite comfortable. my mom is a widow living on a pension. she has a great deal in savings, but that is for her to live on the next 30 years. no way would i have taken money from her. she offered and we declined. a lot will say "oh, your parents wouldnt offer if they couldnt afford it or ddidnt want to". sadly, in our society (as evidenced on these boards nearly every day) there is still a large group of folks who think the brides parents are supposed to pay because its "tradition".
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

That is not the case for my parents. They are both very well off financial wise. That being said I never planned on them paying for the entire wedding. I never expected anyone to pay for anything for my wedding from the beginning. I budgeted around what I could afford. Even if my parents end up paying I will still only spend what I originally budgeted because I wouldn't feel ok with saying "Well it's not my money I can spend whatever I want now."

Calypso1977 · April 2011

well, you never know. some people are genuinely well off, no worries. but i think there's alot of people out there who have huge houses, nice cars, and other toys and they dont own any of it. perception is a powerful and persuasive thing.

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