In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:e86e7f0a-9cee-4521-b6b1-d4388bdeb85c">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]Your FI and groomsmen are wearing TUXES and you think your dad will look overdressed? Is anyone else as confused as I am? Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]
Light grey tuxes, they do not look as formal as you may think.
He actually just said that "he thought he would wear it" not that he wanted to or had his heart set on it. I just didn't want to offend him by saying I would prefer him to wear something else.
Well its clear that the answer to my original question is I shouldn't say anything and let him wear what he was planning on wearing. Thanks for the help!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:a7dde961-47ce-41c7-9a57-dd68c7608d42">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]Gray tuxedo? Let's add that to the list of things I learn on the knot. I wasn't aware that there WAS such a thing. Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]
I personally think they look more like suits, but they are officially called tuxes by Men's Warehouse.
I honestly don't even remember what anyone wore to my wedding.
And the wedding pictures you are worried about? You're gonna pick a few for around the house and probably the rest will be an album you look at rarely. This is not something you really need to worry about in regards to wedding planning.
Honestly I just wanted you guys to sell me on it, because I know my fiance and mom are going to flip out when I tell them and I am going to have to argue what you guys argued to me to them.
They say hindsight is 20/20. Use mine to avoid making a mistake.
I got married almost 3 years ago, and there are a total of TWO decisions I regret, both regarding my wedding party, and both my own fault.
The first one, not relevant to this discussion, is asking my best friend to be a reader rather than a bridesman. I have no idea why my brain defaulted to single-sex bridal party, but it did and the poor guy accepted, telling me only the night before that he had horrible stagefright. The only thing I'm glad of is that I said "of course" when he asked if his wife could go up and read with him and that I got to the officiant early enough to make the change so she'd be announced too.
The second, relevant to this discussion, is regarding my SIL. I asked her to be a BM the same night I met her. She's in military college in VT and isn't down here a lot (H's family lives in NYC). She was all excited and accepted, and all was well. But like I said, college kid. She expected her mom to buy her dress based on their relationship to each other and dynamics of their family. Well... during the course of planning, my now-MIL decided she hated my guts and wanted nothing to do with my wedding, including buying SIL's dress. SIL called and told us, but we honestly couldn't afford another dollar. She asked if she could wear her Navy dress uniform, and here's where I made the mistake. I said no. I was an idiot who wanted a uniform look and the other three including MOH would all be in the same dress. I didn't want her standing out from the others. And honestly, I'm not exactly "yay, military." So I said no. She ended up not being a BM.
As it turns out, her CO wouldn't let her leave for the weekend, they had some kind of drills to do, so she couldn't even come to the wedding at all. I am SO glad she didn't waste money on a dress!
I'm also SO glad that, to HER credit, it didn't damage our relationship. She didn't take offense, and we're better friends now than we were before... but that's 100% because she's a good person. I wouldn't fault her at all for being pissed at me. I'd be pissed at me.
So yeah... totally regret it. Let your father wear his uniform. You don't want to be kicking yourself 3 years down the road.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:25f819f5-fae5-4382-b200-179b6a19b7f2">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]Tell your mom you aren't dictating what she wears so you can't dictate what your dad wears. I'm not sure why your FI even cares. Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
He does not like my dad, he thinks he is arrogant and selfish. I admit my mistake in this posting was not including enough background information. It was late when I posted this and I just was looking for an answer.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:70c977b6-ebad-4789-a780-41ac55ef8e5b">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]They say hindsight is 20/20. Use mine to avoid making a mistake. I got married almost 3 years ago, and there are a total of TWO decisions I regret, both regarding my wedding party, and both my own fault. The first one, not relevant to this discussion, is asking my best friend to be a reader rather than a bridesman. I have no idea why my brain defaulted to single-sex bridal party, but it did and the poor guy accepted, telling me only the night before that he had horrible stagefright. The only thing I'm glad of is that I said "of course" when he asked if his wife could go up and read with him and that I got to the officiant early enough to make the change so she'd be announced too. The second, relevant to this discussion, is regarding my SIL. I asked her to be a BM the same night I met her. She's in military college in VT and isn't down here a lot (H's family lives in NYC). She was all excited and accepted, and all was well. But like I said, college kid. She expected her mom to buy her dress based on their relationship to each other and dynamics of their family. Well... during the course of planning, my now-MIL decided she hated my guts and wanted nothing to do with my wedding, including buying SIL's dress. SIL called and told us, but we honestly couldn't afford another dollar. She asked if she could wear her Navy dress uniform, and here's where I made the mistake. I said no. I was an idiot who wanted a uniform look and the other three including MOH would all be in the same dress. I didn't want her standing out from the others. And honestly, I'm not exactly "yay, military." So I said no. She ended up not being a BM. As it turns out, her CO wouldn't let her leave for the weekend, they had some kind of drills to do, so she couldn't even come to the wedding at all. I am SO glad she didn't waste money on a dress! I'm also SO glad that, to HER credit, it didn't damage our relationship. She didn't take offense, and we're better friends now than we were before... but that's 100% because she's a good person. I wouldn't fault her at all for being pissed at me. I'd be pissed at me. So yeah... totally regret it. Let your father wear his uniform. You don't want to be kicking yourself 3 years down the road. Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
Thank you, I really appreciate your insight. I in no way want to put a wedge between my dad and I. We already have a troubled enough relationship. I do think if it means a lot to him that I may regret it later. And I really don't want to be selfish, I just didn't react well initially to the suggestion.
But your FI not liking him doesn't mean he has a say in what he wears ya know? That doesn't make sense in my head. I don't get along with my fil but I would never have told him what to wear to the wedding.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:727fb05e-f6c8-4bd3-b09f-9e0697a4b9a6">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : Why wouldn't you just tell them that you want your dad to be comfortable? I really don't get the point of this whole thread if someone else didn't like the idea. Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE] I haven't told them yet. He just told me last night on the phone. My parents are divorced and my dad lives a few states away from my mom and immediate family and my FI's family so he hasn't been involved in the planning at all.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:0b8f3cc7-4c01-4fd9-bc3b-ab97ea1263e8">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE] I just wanted to know if it would be offensive if I wanted him to wear something that fit better with the feel of the wedding. Posted by snr1[/QUOTE]
The feel of the wedding is celebrating your relationship with people who love you. Personally, I think its really touching that he wants to wear something meaningful to him. It's tying multiple really important parts of his life together; his career and welcoming a new son into his family. IMO once you decide to have a wedding that includes friends and family as guests it is about them too; allowing them to celebrate in a way that is meaningful to them as well and making them comfortable and happy. I can promise you, you will find much bigger and better things to worry over as you get closer to the day and on the day. Taking away something that is meaningful to your Dad is not worth preserving a color scheme or getting "perfect" pictures.
"...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:e2e97638-082e-4e5c-aab9-360dd41550a2">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]But your FI not liking him doesn't mean he has a say in what he wears ya know? That doesn't make sense in my head. I don't get along with my fil but I would never have told him what to wear to the wedding. Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
Yeah you're right. I am just trying to avoid hard feelings and conflict all around. The whole thing is that the uniform is just another way of him making things about himself like he always does. He is just one of those people who always talks about his own accomplishments and tries to put other people down. My concern is that is the motive behind the uniform, which will really make my fiance and mom upest as well as probably my step-dad who is really the one who has supported me over the years. It was kind of a big deal deciding who would walk me down the aisle and I am going to have my dad, but then he wants to wear that. I am sold on the reasons why he should be able to. Just not sure I can convince everyone else.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:9d344fc4-d3f4-4d2f-a097-7c825bca8288">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : From the way this thread is going, it seems like *you* were the one who didn't like the uniform idea, and now that no one agrees with you, you're just blaming it on other people. Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
I didn't like it, but I know I won't be the only one. I always feel like I have to defend my dad's behavior against the other side of my family and I wanted to be able to.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:5802db58-fec0-40a9-8378-d0a8d64696a4">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : You don't need to convince anyone else. It's not like they can physically make your dad wear something else. It's up to him. Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
You're right. There are just a lot of complicated dynamics with planning a wedding with divorced parents who hate each other and I didn't expect my dad to want to do this.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:08a2bfaf-490d-444a-b19f-eaa1ec5386b5">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : Yeah you're right. I am just trying to avoid hard feelings and conflict all around. The whole thing is that the uniform is just another way of him making things about himself like he always does. He is just one of those people who always talks about his own accomplishments and tries to put other people down. My concern is that is the motive behind the uniform, which will really make my fiance and mom upest as well as probably my step-dad who is really the one who has supported me over the years. It was kind of a big deal deciding who would walk me down the aisle and I am going to have my dad, but then he wants to wear that. I am sold on the reasons why he should be able to. Just not sure I can convince everyone else. Posted by snr1[/QUOTE]
<div>I can understand this. I understand touchy family politics, overbearing parents, and mouthy relatives. There's a reason Halloween is my favorite holiday.</div><div> </div><div>But </div><div> </div><div>(1) you need to remind your mother, SF, and FI that this day is about you & FI getting married and celebrating and you need to ask them to put a damper on the celebration over things that are really so little. It really is a small, small thing. Big things people care about at a wedding? The ceremony, your dress, food, drinks, and music. They may or may not care about decor. That's it. Your father's mode of dress? Eh.</div><div> </div><div>(2) understand that no one - seriously NO ONE - can take attention away from you at your wedding. When you're headed down the aisle, yeah, some people might take quick note that your father is wearing, but they're really watching you. Some may even be watching your FI to see his face as he's watching you approach. But not your father. You and your FI will be front and center during the ceremony. And at the reception, they'll be paying some attention to you and your H... but honestly, they'll also be paying attention to each other, just as at any other party. Any way you look at it, though, no one takes attention from the chick in the big white dress. Just doesn't happen.</div>
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
My fiance asked my brother (active military) to be a groomsmen in our upcoming wedding. I asked him if he wanted to wear his Class As. He declined, but if he wanted to, I'd be more than happy to let him. I'm proud of him for the service he has done for our country and if he wants to wear his military uniform, I wouldn't even think twice.
Regardless of your dad's personality, let him wear his uniform. I promise it won't be the worst thing to happen on your big day.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:9be39a6d-4b9e-459f-b01f-812646ecaaa5">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : I don't see what complicated dynamics has to do with your dad's outfit. Now that you know, you can move on to more pressing issues with your wedding. Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
You really don't get the whole showboating thing, do you? Oh well. There have been plenty of helpful people on here and the people that keep telling me to move on need to stop reading.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:2a23d947-96aa-43f1-b413-9bef31850911">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : I can understand this. I understand touchy family politics, overbearing parents, and mouthy relatives. There's a reason Halloween is my favorite holiday. But (1) you need to remind your mother, SF, and FI that this day is about you & FI getting married and celebrating and you need to ask them to put a damper on the celebration over things that are really so little. It really is a small, small thing. Big things people care about at a wedding? The ceremony, your dress, food, drinks, and music. They may or may not care about decor. That's it. Your father's mode of dress? Eh. (2) understand that no one - seriously NO ONE - can take attention away from you at your wedding. When you're headed down the aisle, yeah, some people might take quick note that your father is wearing, but they're really watching you. Some may even be watching your FI to see his face as he's watching you approach. But not your father. You and your FI will be front and center during the ceremony. And at the reception, they'll be paying some attention to you and your H... but honestly, they'll also be paying attention to each other, just as at any other party. Any way you look at it, though, no one takes attention from the chick in the big white dress. Just doesn't happen. Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:afdeb830-b19a-40a6-b2ef-308b1e412ca9">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]My fiance asked my brother (active military) to be a groomsmen in our upcoming wedding. I asked him if he wanted to wear his Class As. He declined, but if he wanted to, I'd be more than happy to let him. I'm proud of him for the service he has done for our country and if he wants to wear his military uniform, I wouldn't even think twice. Regardless of your dad's personality, let him wear his uniform. I promise it won't be the worst thing to happen on your big day. :) Posted by beckyboo27[/QUOTE]
Thanks I will try not to worry about it anymore. I really was never upset about it, I think coming onto here was a bad idea because it got me a lot more heated than I originally felt about the issue. But kind people like you are what I was looking for :)
Don't be afraid of the confrontation. There's a lot of good advice here, along with some bad, like anywhere else. Heated =/= bad.
And in the end, everyone's basically saying the same thing, which is not to worry about it.
The best response to anyone who's going to mouth off to you about "allowing" your father to wear his uniform because he's an attention hound is, "Look. By arguing this, you're giving him exactly the attention you think he's seeking. Stop feeding into it and focus on something more important to your life. And by the way, in the process, you're making me stressed and miserable. We're planning a party here; this is supposed to be fun. Besides, you really think anyone other than me is going to be the center of attention at the wedding? Really? 'Cause they won't be."
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:7f21f61d-bf67-4b16-b6ac-74e8b34935c5">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]Don't be afraid of the confrontation. There's a lot of good advice here, along with some bad, like anywhere else. Heated =/= bad. And in the end, everyone's basically saying the same thing, which is not to worry about it. The best response to anyone who's going to mouth off to you about "allowing" your father to wear his uniform because he's an attention hound is, "Look. By arguing this, you're giving him exactly the attention you think he's seeking. Stop feeding into it and focus on something more important to your life. And by the way, in the process, you're making me stressed and miserable. We're planning a party here; this is supposed to be fun. Besides, you really think anyone other than me is going to be the center of attention at the wedding? Really? 'Cause they won't be." Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
Well thanks, I appreciate your <em>good</em> advice!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:f272a291-22a0-402d-afa6-3e7c2d6d5eef">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]Honestly I just wanted you guys to sell me on it, because I know my fiance and mom are going to flip out when I tell them and I am going to have to argue what you guys argued to me to them. Posted by snr1[/QUOTE]
Why do you feel it necessary to tell your Mom? They are divorced, correct? Then why on earth does she need to know what he is wearing? Will it effect her in any way? Most likely, no so I wouldn't tell her what your Dad is wearing. It isn't like you were going to tell your Dad what your Mom is wearing because I am sure he doesn't care.
As for your FI, why would he care what your Dad is wearing as well? On the day of your wedding the only person you FI will be seeing as you walk down the aisle is you, not your Dad, not the guests, not the uniform, nothing but you.
I would honestly avoid any blow ups or fights or craziness from your Mom (since it doesn't sound like your Dad could possibly do anything correct since she can't stand him) and not tell her what he is wearing.
You know, you can take yourself out of the middle here by not saying anything. Why would you tell your dad what your mom and sd are wearing? You wouldn't. So don't worry about telling anyone what your dad is wearing. Take yourself out of this and don't worry about it. It isn't your job to communicate any of this.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:09752fb6-19ba-411f-b3f7-26d6a91967a0">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : Why do you feel it necessary to tell your Mom? They are divorced, correct? Then why on earth does she need to know what he is wearing? Will it effect her in any way? Most likely, no so I wouldn't tell her what your Dad is wearing. It isn't like you were going to tell your Dad what your Mom is wearing because I am sure he doesn't care. As for your FI, why would he care what your Dad is wearing as well? On the day of your wedding the only person you FI will be seeing as you walk down the aisle is you, not your Dad, not the guests, not the uniform, nothing but you. I would honestly avoid any blow ups or fights or craziness from your Mom (since it doesn't sound like your Dad could possibly do anything correct since she can't stand him) and not tell her what he is wearing. Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
I guess I wouldn't have to tell her, but the whole issue came up because we were picking tuxes and since my dad lives out state he wasn't a part of the decision making. My mom and MIL are. So the issue arose when we started thinking about having the FOB, my stepdad and the FOG wear tuxes as well. We wanted to get everyone's opinions on that idea. And my mom isn't going to fight or be crazy, just upset that once again he is trying to upstage everyone. She doesn't hate him, he more hates her.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:83fcfebc-03ee-4e4d-8210-bba296e437d9">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]Let HIM make the call on this, please -- it is the same as the mothers making their own choice on what they wish to wear to their son or daughter's wedding. As a pp pointed out, he is a veteran and he reserves the right to wear his uniform and decorations proudly. :Let him make the call on this. Give it some thought. Posted by TarponMonoxide[/QUOTE]
Well the mothers have actually asked me what I would like them to wear.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_father-of-bride-military-uniform?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1425b1d-bd8e-4c22-a40f-be65476bf9d2Post:f7d8ac08-5ad0-4c8a-8e6e-216805da0aa5">Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform</a>: [QUOTE]You know, you can take yourself out of the middle here by not saying anything. Why would you tell your dad what your mom and sd are wearing? You wouldn't. So don't worry about telling anyone what your dad is wearing. Take yourself out of this and don't worry about it. It isn't your job to communicate any of this. Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
I guess I would probably try, but it came up at Men's Warehouse when we were thinking about the fathers wearing tuxes as well.
Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform
[QUOTE]Your FI and groomsmen are wearing TUXES and you think your dad will look overdressed? Is anyone else as confused as I am?
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]
Light grey tuxes, they do not look as formal as you may think.
[QUOTE]Gray tuxedo? Let's add that to the list of things I learn on the knot. I wasn't aware that there WAS such a thing.
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]
I personally think they look more like suits, but they are officially called tuxes by Men's Warehouse.
[QUOTE]Tell your mom you aren't dictating what she wears so you can't dictate what your dad wears. I'm not sure why your FI even cares.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
He does not like my dad, he thinks he is arrogant and selfish. I admit my mistake in this posting was not including enough background information. It was late when I posted this and I just was looking for an answer.
[QUOTE]They say hindsight is 20/20. Use mine to avoid making a mistake. I got married almost 3 years ago, and there are a total of TWO decisions I regret, both regarding my wedding party, and both my own fault. The first one, not relevant to this discussion, is asking my best friend to be a reader rather than a bridesman. I have no idea why my brain defaulted to single-sex bridal party, but it did and the poor guy accepted, telling me only the night before that he had horrible stagefright. The only thing I'm glad of is that I said "of course" when he asked if his wife could go up and read with him and that I got to the officiant early enough to make the change so she'd be announced too. The second, relevant to this discussion, is regarding my SIL. I asked her to be a BM the same night I met her. She's in military college in VT and isn't down here a lot (H's family lives in NYC). She was all excited and accepted, and all was well. But like I said, college kid. She expected her mom to buy her dress based on their relationship to each other and dynamics of their family. Well... during the course of planning, my now-MIL decided she hated my guts and wanted nothing to do with my wedding, including buying SIL's dress. SIL called and told us, but we honestly couldn't afford another dollar. She asked if she could wear her Navy dress uniform, and here's where I made the mistake. I said no. I was an idiot who wanted a uniform look and the other three including MOH would all be in the same dress. I didn't want her standing out from the others. And honestly, I'm not exactly "yay, military." So I said no. She ended up not being a BM. As it turns out, her CO wouldn't let her leave for the weekend, they had some kind of drills to do, so she couldn't even come to the wedding at all. I am SO glad she didn't waste money on a dress! I'm also SO glad that, to HER credit, it didn't damage our relationship. She didn't take offense, and we're better friends now than we were before... but that's 100% because she's a good person. I wouldn't fault her at all for being pissed at me. I'd be pissed at me. So yeah... totally regret it. Let your father wear his uniform. You don't want to be kicking yourself 3 years down the road.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
Thank you, I really appreciate your insight. I in no way want to put a wedge between my dad and I. We already have a troubled enough relationship. I do think if it means a lot to him that I may regret it later. And I really don't want to be selfish, I just didn't react well initially to the suggestion.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : Why wouldn't you just tell them that you want your dad to be comfortable? I really don't get the point of this whole thread if someone else didn't like the idea.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
I haven't told them yet. He just told me last night on the phone. My parents are divorced and my dad lives a few states away from my mom and immediate family and my FI's family so he hasn't been involved in the planning at all.
[QUOTE] I just wanted to know if it would be offensive if I wanted him to wear something that fit better with the feel of the wedding.
Posted by snr1[/QUOTE]
The feel of the wedding is celebrating your relationship with people who love you. Personally, I think its really touching that he wants to wear something meaningful to him. It's tying multiple really important parts of his life together; his career and welcoming a new son into his family. IMO once you decide to have a wedding that includes friends and family as guests it is about them too; allowing them to celebrate in a way that is meaningful to them as well and making them comfortable and happy. I can promise you, you will find much bigger and better things to worry over as you get closer to the day and on the day. Taking away something that is meaningful to your Dad is not worth preserving a color scheme or getting "perfect" pictures.
[QUOTE]But your FI not liking him doesn't mean he has a say in what he wears ya know? That doesn't make sense in my head. I don't get along with my fil but I would never have told him what to wear to the wedding.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
Yeah you're right. I am just trying to avoid hard feelings and conflict all around. The whole thing is that the uniform is just another way of him making things about himself like he always does. He is just one of those people who always talks about his own accomplishments and tries to put other people down. My concern is that is the motive behind the uniform, which will really make my fiance and mom upest as well as probably my step-dad who is really the one who has supported me over the years. It was kind of a big deal deciding who would walk me down the aisle and I am going to have my dad, but then he wants to wear that. I am sold on the reasons why he should be able to. Just not sure I can convince everyone else.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : From the way this thread is going, it seems like *you* were the one who didn't like the uniform idea, and now that no one agrees with you, you're just blaming it on other people.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
I didn't like it, but I know I won't be the only one. I always feel like I have to defend my dad's behavior against the other side of my family and I wanted to be able to.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : You don't need to convince anyone else. It's not like they can physically make your dad wear something else. It's up to him.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
You're right. There are just a lot of complicated dynamics with planning a wedding with divorced parents who hate each other and I didn't expect my dad to want to do this.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : Yeah you're right. I am just trying to avoid hard feelings and conflict all around. The whole thing is that the uniform is just another way of him making things about himself like he always does. He is just one of those people who always talks about his own accomplishments and tries to put other people down. My concern is that is the motive behind the uniform, which will really make my fiance and mom upest as well as probably my step-dad who is really the one who has supported me over the years. It was kind of a big deal deciding who would walk me down the aisle and I am going to have my dad, but then he wants to wear that. I am sold on the reasons why he should be able to. Just not sure I can convince everyone else.
Posted by snr1[/QUOTE]
<div>I can understand this. I understand touchy family politics, overbearing parents, and mouthy relatives. There's a reason Halloween is my favorite holiday.</div><div>
</div><div>But </div><div>
</div><div>(1) you need to remind your mother, SF, and FI that this day is about you & FI getting married and celebrating and you need to ask them to put a damper on the celebration over things that are really so little. It really is a small, small thing. Big things people care about at a wedding? The ceremony, your dress, food, drinks, and music. They may or may not care about decor. That's it. Your father's mode of dress? Eh.</div><div>
</div><div>(2) understand that no one - seriously NO ONE - can take attention away from you at your wedding. When you're headed down the aisle, yeah, some people might take quick note that your father is wearing, but they're really watching you. Some may even be watching your FI to see his face as he's watching you approach. But not your father. You and your FI will be front and center during the ceremony. And at the reception, they'll be paying some attention to you and your H... but honestly, they'll also be paying attention to each other, just as at any other party. Any way you look at it, though, no one takes attention from the chick in the big white dress. Just doesn't happen.</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : I don't see what complicated dynamics has to do with your dad's outfit. Now that you know, you can move on to more pressing issues with your wedding.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]
You really don't get the whole showboating thing, do you? Oh well. There have been plenty of helpful people on here and the people that keep telling me to move on need to stop reading.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : I can understand this. I understand touchy family politics, overbearing parents, and mouthy relatives. There's a reason Halloween is my favorite holiday. But (1) you need to remind your mother, SF, and FI that this day is about you & FI getting married and celebrating and you need to ask them to put a damper on the celebration over things that are really so little. It really is a small, small thing. Big things people care about at a wedding? The ceremony, your dress, food, drinks, and music. They may or may not care about decor. That's it. Your father's mode of dress? Eh. (2) understand that no one - seriously NO ONE - can take attention away from you at your wedding. When you're headed down the aisle, yeah, some people might take quick note that your father is wearing, but they're really watching you. Some may even be watching your FI to see his face as he's watching you approach. But not your father. You and your FI will be front and center during the ceremony. And at the reception, they'll be paying some attention to you and your H... but honestly, they'll also be paying attention to each other, just as at any other party. Any way you look at it, though, no one takes attention from the chick in the big white dress. Just doesn't happen.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
Thanks, I appreciate your help :)
[QUOTE]My fiance asked my brother (active military) to be a groomsmen in our upcoming wedding. I asked him if he wanted to wear his Class As. He declined, but if he wanted to, I'd be more than happy to let him. I'm proud of him for the service he has done for our country and if he wants to wear his military uniform, I wouldn't even think twice. Regardless of your dad's personality, let him wear his uniform. I promise it won't be the worst thing to happen on your big day. :)
Posted by beckyboo27[/QUOTE]
Thanks I will try not to worry about it anymore. I really was never upset about it, I think coming onto here was a bad idea because it got me a lot more heated than I originally felt about the issue. But kind people like you are what I was looking for :)
[QUOTE]Don't be afraid of the confrontation. There's a lot of good advice here, along with some bad, like anywhere else. Heated =/= bad. And in the end, everyone's basically saying the same thing, which is not to worry about it. The best response to anyone who's going to mouth off to you about "allowing" your father to wear his uniform because he's an attention hound is, "Look. By arguing this, you're giving him exactly the attention you think he's seeking. Stop feeding into it and focus on something more important to your life. And by the way, in the process, you're making me stressed and miserable. We're planning a party here; this is supposed to be fun. Besides, you really think anyone other than me is going to be the center of attention at the wedding? Really? 'Cause they won't be."
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
Well thanks, I appreciate your <em>good</em> advice!
[QUOTE]Honestly I just wanted you guys to sell me on it, because I know my fiance and mom are going to flip out when I tell them and I am going to have to argue what you guys argued to me to them.
Posted by snr1[/QUOTE]
Why do you feel it necessary to tell your Mom? They are divorced, correct? Then why on earth does she need to know what he is wearing? Will it effect her in any way? Most likely, no so I wouldn't tell her what your Dad is wearing. It isn't like you were going to tell your Dad what your Mom is wearing because I am sure he doesn't care.
As for your FI, why would he care what your Dad is wearing as well? On the day of your wedding the only person you FI will be seeing as you walk down the aisle is you, not your Dad, not the guests, not the uniform, nothing but you.
I would honestly avoid any blow ups or fights or craziness from your Mom (since it doesn't sound like your Dad could possibly do anything correct since she can't stand him) and not tell her what he is wearing.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of the Bride in Military Uniform : Why do you feel it necessary to tell your Mom? They are divorced, correct? Then why on earth does she need to know what he is wearing? Will it effect her in any way? Most likely, no so I wouldn't tell her what your Dad is wearing. It isn't like you were going to tell your Dad what your Mom is wearing because I am sure he doesn't care. As for your FI, why would he care what your Dad is wearing as well? On the day of your wedding the only person you FI will be seeing as you walk down the aisle is you, not your Dad, not the guests, not the uniform, nothing but you. I would honestly avoid any blow ups or fights or craziness from your Mom (since it doesn't sound like your Dad could possibly do anything correct since she can't stand him) and not tell her what he is wearing.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
I guess I wouldn't have to tell her, but the whole issue came up because we were picking tuxes and since my dad lives out state he wasn't a part of the decision making. My mom and MIL are. So the issue arose when we started thinking about having the FOB, my stepdad and the FOG wear tuxes as well. We wanted to get everyone's opinions on that idea. And my mom isn't going to fight or be crazy, just upset that once again he is trying to upstage everyone. She doesn't hate him, he more hates her.
[QUOTE]Let HIM make the call on this, please -- it is the same as the mothers making their own choice on what they wish to wear to their son or daughter's wedding. As a pp pointed out, he is a veteran and he reserves the right to wear his uniform and decorations proudly. :Let him make the call on this. Give it some thought.
Posted by TarponMonoxide[/QUOTE]
Well the mothers have actually asked me what I would like them to wear.
[QUOTE]You know, you can take yourself out of the middle here by not saying anything. Why would you tell your dad what your mom and sd are wearing? You wouldn't. So don't worry about telling anyone what your dad is wearing. Take yourself out of this and don't worry about it. It isn't your job to communicate any of this.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
I guess I would probably try, but it came up at Men's Warehouse when we were thinking about the fathers wearing tuxes as well.