Called off the Wedding

nugaea · May 2011

I don't want this to sound too heavy, but I really need advice. I don't know where else to go or what else to do...

I've been with my fiance for over 3 years and we've fought off and on. I've always thought it would get better, but so far I've been wrong. We have blow ups weekly. Even still, we've stayed together because I love him dearly and he has been like a father to my 5 year old daughter, who he is very close to. Additionally, I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and I want for our family to work more than anything.

Anyway, I've deferred to him for most of the wedding planning. I never wanted a ceremony, but I agreed to one because it was his dream. He's picked out everything basically (even though I've done much of the work), and I've been fine with that. The one thing I committed to was the fact that I want a significant role for my daughter.

The other day I had an idea. I thought it would be great if my daughter would walk me down the aisle. My father has passed and my mother is really shy and reluctant, so it made functional sense. Moreover, I think the symbolism of my little girl holding my hand down the aisle and giving my hand to my future husband was a great gesture to celebrate the creation of a new family. I thought is was perfect.

Well, I tell my fiance this idea and he gives me a mixed reaction. He says, "well, if that's what you want..." but clearly doesn't agree with the idea. I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he wants our wedding to be about us and that he didn't think that role was appropriate. He also said it didn't make any sense because my 4 year old wouldn't understand the gesture anyway, and that she should be a ring bearer or something like that. I told him how hurt I was by his reaction, and instead of understanding my point of view, he insists that his opinion shouldn't matter, especially if he said I could do it.

Long story short, we had a BIG blow up and I called off the wedding. I am so incredibly saddened by his inability to put himself in my shoes. I feel like I've given up so much to make him happy, and he has given me nothing but selfishness in return. I've tried to explain why I feel so strongly about it all, but he does not want to see my side. Instead, he wants to continue to tell me that that role is inappropriate, and I shouldn't worry about what he feels if I really want to do it. He doesn't at all recognize the symbolism and says that it doesn't make sense to him. He may never agree with it, but if I want to do it, go ahead.

I told him it was over. I told him I couldn't be with a man who digs in on this point. Not for our wedding. Not for a ceremony rife with symbols of our union. Am I being irrational? I'm just at a boiling point and I cannot take his selfishness any more. HELP! I need your words!

renjon7798 · May 2011

Personally, with just the details provided above, I think you are over reacting. He does have a point that your daughter won't understand the gesture, BUT I agree with you 100% with your thoughts for wanting her to do it. I think it's a great idea. That being said, does he really have to get it for him to agree to it? I don't think so.

I think you are stressed out with planning a big wedding that you don't really want and that you need to sit down with him and be honest about what YOU want with this wedding then compromise. Everything you've said about him makes it sound like you have a very stable and loving relationship and a wonderfully growing family. But don't let stressing over a big wedding cause this kind of drama.

TheDuckis · May 2011

But he's not digging in, he told you to do what you want to do.

That said, it doesn't sound like you're not at all ready for marriage. If there weren't kids involved I'd tell you to cut and run, but since you're tied to this guy for the rest of your life regardless I think you'd better start some serious relationship counseling.

nugaea · May 2011

You might be right. There's a lot of stress and the hormones of this pregnancy does not help. But, this is something that I cannot comprehend. My husband-to-be does not want my daughter to walk me down the aisle because it is not appropriate and it should only be about the two of us? I cannot reconcile that, and its is of so much significance to me that its one of those things that I won't do if he does not support it. It's like having your parents who stands opposed to something that means so much to you--a job, a spouse, etc. That tacit disapproval forever changes the dynamic. Him not in support of my daughter being the one to walk me down the aisle and give me away speaks volumes to me.

VarunaTT · May 2011

Okay, I think you need to step back. There are a few things:

1. He doesn't like the idea of your daughter walking you down. Okay. He acquiesced though, he didn't dig in, so I don't see why you're still unhappy. People have lots of ideas about weddings. You didn't even want it, which is a source of some angst, I'm sure. This almost reminds me of the wedding that we were just at that had a ring warming. Lovely idea, horrible implementation and always will be. However, I'm not sure why this would be a dealbreaker, unless....

He doesn't support your daughter other times. If this is true, then yes, run. But if it isn't, I"m not sure why this is so huge to you, unless...

2. You don't want to marry him. Which is fine, but don't make it his fault.

Only you can tell if you're just freaking out or if this is a real thing. But if you're really calling it off, you guys probably need to hammer out what is going to happen for this next kid.

dragonwagon · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_called-off-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8c704bec-89ff-45a1-bdbb-90e32df0074ePost:4a385e0b-8d25-42ae-9c73-950b8c8ce7c9">Called off the Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't want this to sound too heavy, but I really need advice. I don't know where else to go or what else to do... I've been with my fiance for over 3 years and we've fought off and on. I've always thought it would get better, but so far I've been wrong. We have blow ups weekly. Even still, we've stayed together because I love him dearly and he has been like a father to my 5 year old daughter, who he is very close to. Additionally, I am currently 14 weeks pregnant and I want for our family to work more than anything. Anyway, I've deferred to him for most of the wedding planning. I never wanted a ceremony, but I agreed to one because it was his dream. He's picked out everything basically (even though I've done much of the work), and I've been fine with that. The one thing I committed to was the fact that I want a significant role for my daughter. The other day I had an idea. I thought it would be great if my daughter would walk me down the aisle. My father has passed and my mother is really shy and reluctant, so it made functional sense. Moreover, I think the symbolism of my little girl holding my hand down the aisle and giving my hand to my future husband was a great gesture to celebrate the creation of a new family. I thought is was perfect. Well, I tell my fiance this idea and he gives me a mixed reaction. He says, "well, if that's what you want..." but clearly doesn't agree with the idea. I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he wants our wedding to be about us and that he didn't think that role was appropriate. He also said it didn't make any sense because my 4 year old wouldn't understand the gesture anyway, and that she should be a ring bearer or something like that. I told him how hurt I was by his reaction, and instead of understanding my point of view, he insists that his opinion shouldn't matter, especially if he said I could do it. Long story short, we had a BIG blow up and I called off the wedding. I am so incredibly saddened by his inability to put himself in my shoes. I feel like I've given up so much to make him happy, and he has given me nothing but selfishness in return. I've tried to explain why I feel so strongly about it all, but he does not want to see my side. Instead, he wants to continue to tell me that that role is inappropriate, and I shouldn't worry about what he feels if I really want to do it. <strong>He doesn't at all recognize the symbolism and says that it doesn't make sense to him.</strong> He may never agree with it, but if I want to do it, go ahead. I told him it was over. I told him I couldn't be with a man who digs in on this point. Not for our wedding. Not for a ceremony rife with symbols of our union. Am I being irrational? I'm just at a boiling point and I cannot take his selfishness any more. HELP! I need your words!
Posted by nugaea[/QUOTE]

My FI doesn't understand the symbolism behind an engagement ring, but he gave me one because he knew it was what I wanted and that it was important to me.

You basically called off a weddinge because your FI did not agree with or understand something that you wanted, yet is giving you full reign to do it anyway because it's important to you. Honestly...find something better to biitch about. If you called a wedding off because he disagrees with one aspect, then maybe you did him a favor.

blahblah85 · May 2011

I think you are overreacting.

It sounds like you are resentful of your FI for making the big decisions in the wedding. Plus, I really don't understand not wanting to have a ceremony. The ceremony is the whole point of having a wedding. Do you mean you wanted a small simple ceremony, and he chose something more elaborate? Love is compromise! My FI is catholic. I'm agnostic. Churches and clergy make me uncomfortable. Guess where I am getting married?? A catholic church, and I want to do it because it makes FI happy! Can't you compromise on this instead of having a fit because your FI is letting you have your way even though he dosen't care for the idea?

Have you spoken up when you didn't like a detail in the planning? Cause if you didn't then really who do you have to blame?

nugaea · May 2011

You all make good points, and I appreciate your feedback... except for dragon lady. (Whoa. Easy.) As i said, I could be overreacting and it could be the hormones from the pregnancy that has made me hypersensitive, but this one STUNG. Telling me, "go ahead and do it" and then spending hours explaining all of the reasons why you disagree with it being done falls short of supportive.

Blahblah, I think you're right. I am carrying a lot of resentment. This is probably more than just this little ceremonial piece, and because of it involving my daughter it triggered an unusually large explosive. Can you tell me this, since I'm really just curious and it will give me some perspective--if you gave him his Catholic Church, did you expect any sacrifice from him in return? It's an honest question.

Thank you ladies! You're insights are invaluable to me!

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