How Young Is Too Young?

elizabethm4 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_young-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e3e545ad-1ed9-484e-a88d-7c5cad9bb898Post:dc4ef33d-1c8c-420c-8b27-2e7a4c7478e0">Re: How Young Is Too Young?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Um. Tanks to everyone who responded. Its nice to get a fresh perspective and I am definately going to talk to him about some stuff. We have been together a lot, especially lately. I may need to take a short breather from him and see how things work out. Not break up or anything, just spend less time with him so I can figure out exactly what I want for myself. Maybe even study abroad in London for a semester like I've always wanted. Thank you all for your help.
Posted by luckygrl1224[/QUOTE]

<div>PLEASE study abroad!! I just got back from Australia and it was an amazing experience. I also want to add that some time away from each other might be exactly what you need, my DH joined the Army right after we called off our first engagement. It was the perfect way for us to figure things out, and you going to London just might do the trick for you. Good luck!!</div>

jamjar11 · August 2010

Dude, I'm not even the same person I was when I was 19. I was a hot mess at 19.

I say don't rush it. If you guys want to be together, be together. But don't turn it into a legality until you know for sure you are going to feel the same way in 3 years, or 5, or 10. Or 50. Do yourself a favor and let life kick you around a little. Give yourself time to struggle and succeed, and learn how you both cope with life's weird situations. So much of your personality and sense of self changes and develops in your 20s. I'm turning 26 this month, and I can honestly say I'm not even the same person I was when FI and I started dating almost 4 years ago. My career plans are different, my morals are different, my whole psyche is different. And so is his. But being together through all of life's crazy ride in the last few years has made us realize that we make the perfect team, that we complement each other and can problem solve and overcome huge obstacles! I don't think you can ever really be completely 100% ready for marriage, the same way you can never be completely 100% ready for anything. But trust me, you'll thank yourself and everyone on this board in 5 years.

Oh, and definitely study abroad. Experience as much as you can and keep your mind open to change and learning. Be 19. Have fun. Enjoy.

HisCB · August 2010

i agree with many of the pps,

i will chime in that i agree that although legally and adult, you really arent an adult until you have been on your own for a while, as others have said, learn to be youself, support yourself, learn yourself. establish something on your own.

looking back at when i was engaged (2 months before hs graduation) i was NOT an adult. and i dont think i really grew up until after we broke up and moved apart. (we lived together when we were still in hs and had an apartment with a friend after hs) and even though we had our own place, paid most of our bills together, i was dependant on the relationship. it was very hard to break up when we were no longer in love.

being "engaged" held me to stay with him long after we fell out of love. that and being dependant on each other financially and emotionally.

i think people shouldnt get married if they havent supported them selves, shouldnt get into a living situation that they wont be able to get out of if things change.

ditto pps that said you change SO much over the next few years. be adults, date, live apart, and after you are both established for a few years, then get engaged. there is no reason to be "engaged' if you arent planning a wedding, and you dont need to plan a wedding until about 1 yr to 9 months before the big day.

jmkes · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_young-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e3e545ad-1ed9-484e-a88d-7c5cad9bb898Post:7e6fabbd-bcfd-4341-8d86-52cd662d3c63">Re: How Young Is Too Young?</a>:
[QUOTE]...First of all, I think that you're too young if the word "teen" is still part of your age. I think you're too young if you don't have enough education to support yourself AND a family should something happen to your husband. I think you're too young if you haven't actually been on your own yet: paying all of your bills, holding down a job while living in your own place and managing all that that entails. If you don't intend to get married until after you graduate from college anyway, I'm not sure I see the need to be engaged. You can still date each other, you can still be a couple, but why the engagement? If you can give me a single reason beyond: "we love each other, and know we want to be married someday." , then okay. But I wouldn't get engaged yet. Finish your education. Be responsible only for yourself. Be a separate entity from your parents, your boyfriend. Experience some life. Then think about being engaged and married. That's what parents want for their kids. Listen to your mom, dad, and grandma. I know you don't believe it now, but they're right.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Ditto. If he his truly meant to be your husband then it will happen. One of my students from our youth ministry who just finished her first year of college got engaged to a young man. They were supposed to be married this past June, which would have been just a 4 month engagement. Her dad felt deep down it was wrong and made her postpone the wedding for a bit. Well her FI broke up with her and now she sees that he wasn't truly "the one" if he couldn't wait for her for a couple more years. Food for thought...

I almost got married when I was 24 and I'm so glad I didn't! Not only was he not "the one" , but I've done so much living between then and now (I just turned 33). My FI is soooooo worth the wait. I didn't really realize what I wanted in a husband until I lived life a little bit, got some priorities straight, and met him.

jcoder001 · August 2010

I was engaged at the age of 17 yrs old- my family told me not to marry him, and after several years i broke it off finally- before marrying him- i am now 24 yrs old, and engaged and will be married at 26, to someone who is complely different- the man i am with i also known all my life but it took 19 yrs to figure out he is the one for me... just words for thought! Sorry but 17-19 (ANY TEEN YRS) is to young to get engaged- you havent lived enough and dont know how life will change for you... if he is truely your one- then wait until schools out then get engaged.

andielynn09 · August 2010

so i am 19 and engaged... my fiance is 22 and we are both in the military , odds are against us... and i hear that all the time and judging by the feed back you are getting it seems like almost everyone on here thinks the same thing. This is my response being in a similar situation now, if you honestly with all your mind and not your heart because it can be decietful, think that you are willing to give up anything or do anything for this guy no matter what he asks of you, or no matter how much he changes, if you are completely commited to him and him only 100% then there is no reason your family shouldnt be happy. I dont have a lot of expirence but judging from the married couples i am often around, its really hard. if you can honestly say that you are both ready to throw everything you have got plus what you dont have into it, then be proud your parents should understand if they love you and trust your judgement. mine did. Good Luck though with whichever you decide!

shoegal715 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_young-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e3e545ad-1ed9-484e-a88d-7c5cad9bb898Post:dc4ef33d-1c8c-420c-8b27-2e7a4c7478e0">Re: How Young Is Too Young?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Um. Tanks to everyone who responded. Its nice to get a fresh perspective and I am definately going to talk to him about some stuff. We have been together a lot, especially lately. I may need to take a short breather from him and see how things work out. Not break up or anything, just spend less time with him so I can figure out exactly what I want for myself. Maybe even study abroad in London for a semester like I've always wanted. Thank you all for your help.
Posted by luckygrl1224[/QUOTE]

<div>That's great. I think it's a wonderful idea.</div>

reese511 · August 2010

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_young-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e3e545ad-1ed9-484e-a88d-7c5cad9bb898Post:d65d0c38-21d3-4d52-8a40-402da80af7b8">Re: How Young Is Too Young?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was madly in love with my boyfriend when I was 18. We talked marriage when I was 22. I'm 29 and engaged now....but not to him. Enough said.
Posted by Hellokatie0517[/QUOTE]

same here! i'm a TOTALLY different person now. i cant believe i would have married that d-bag!

OP...just wait. there is really no rush.

HKD817 · August 2010

In my experience when I was 18 and dating a guy that I thought was THE ONE I really had my head in the clouds. We were together for 5yrs for me to realize that it wasn't what i wanted. We had a great relationship. but when he asked me to marry him my gut made me say no and we broke up. It was the best and hardest decision i've ever made. I got the chance to live. Have fun, meet people, go places and then I found the right one, when we were both ready and i said yes before he even finished his sentence. If your boyfriend asks you to marry him and you say yes thats wonderful. I think it is smart of you to wait until you finish school though. Anything could happen in the few years you are in college. People change. Especially when you are 18 you still have a lot of growing up to do and you will need time to figure out who you are. It sounds corny but its true. I'm much different now than i was when i was 18. I'm 28 now

MonogramMama · November 2010

It really depends on your situation. My soon-to-be fiance and I are very mature. We are strong-believing Christians. He is a Youth Pastor at 19; I am a Sunday School Teacher. We've been dating for 3 years. He works and we have a Biblical view of marriage. (He's the breadwinner and I will be his help-meet) But, I am planning on getting a degree in elementary education before we have kids. (Just in case) We're from a very small, country town, so it's not unusual to be married by 20 around here. And I believe we're ready. When it comes to drinking at the wedding; we don't believe in drinking alcohol, so that won't affect us at all. I have no "wild oats" to sow because I'm remaining a virgin until I'm married and I don't party. I will be 19 when we get married and he will be 20.
We've talked to many people about getting married because we value the advice of others. Our approval rating is quite high, because people know us and how we live our lives. Those who don't approve think I'm just getting married for sex. (Which I am not, because honestly, I am terrified) But those people really don't know me. But the way I see it, when we celebrate our 50th anniversary together, is it going to matter whether or not we got married at 19 or 21? It isn't. Because I KNOW that we will be together forever; Divorce is not an option for us.

Hope this helps.

sister2groom · November 2010

I don't agree that there should be an absolute age limit (other than 18) below which you should not be married. But obviously the closer to 18, the fewer people of that age are ready to be married. I know some people who were ready to get married when they were 19 or 20, but they are extraordinarily mature, and represent probably less than 0.1% of the population.

I do, however, think that it doesn't make sense to get engaged unless you are mature enough and ready to be married (or will very soon be ready, like the only reason you couldn't get married now is because one of you is deployed or about to graduate or finishing up a work project out of state or something).

MyNameIsNot · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_young-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e3e545ad-1ed9-484e-a88d-7c5cad9bb898Post:65c7b5f8-6e1a-44fc-a411-529a76586606">Re: How Young Is Too Young?</a>:
[QUOTE]It really depends on your situation. .<strong>My soon-to-be fiance and I are very mature</strong> We are strong-believing Christians. He is a Youth Pastor at 19; I am a Sunday School Teacher. We've been dating for 3 years. He works and we have a Biblical view of marriage. (He's the breadwinner and I will be his help-meet) But, I am planning on getting a degree in elementary education before we have kids. (Just in case) We're from a very small, country town, so it's not unusual to be married by 20 around here. And I believe we're ready. When it comes to drinking at the wedding; we don't believe in drinking alcohol, so that won't affect us at all. I have no "wild oats" to sow because I'm remaining a virgin until I'm married and I don't party. I will be 19 when we get married and he will be 20. We've talked to many people about getting married because we value the advice of others. Our approval rating is quite high, because people know us and how we live our lives. Those who don't approve think I'm just getting married for sex. (Which I am not, because honestly, I am terrified) But those people really don't know me. But the way I see it, when we celebrate our 50th anniversary together, is it going to matter whether or not we got married at 19 or 21? It isn't. Because I KNOW that we will be together forever; Divorce is not an option for us. =) Hope this helps.
Posted by tiffanymills2010[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Every kid says they are mature for their age. Just saying that screams that you are immature.</div><div>
</div><div>In any event, you've got your mind made up, so it doesn't matter. You are too young to get married, and you are going to regret it. But you are too young to see that now. You will look back at this and laugh at yourself, or want to kick yourself for ignoring everyone else. I hope it's the former.

</div>

Beachy730 · November 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_young-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e3e545ad-1ed9-484e-a88d-7c5cad9bb898Post:65c7b5f8-6e1a-44fc-a411-529a76586606">Re: How Young Is Too Young?</a>:
[QUOTE]It really depends on your situation. My soon-to-be fiance and I are very mature. We are strong-believing Christians. He is a Youth Pastor at 19; I am a Sunday School Teacher. We've been dating for 3 years. He works and we have a Biblical view of marriage. (He's the breadwinner and I will be his help-meet) But, I am planning on getting a degree in elementary education before we have kids. (Just in case) We're from a very small, country town, so it's not unusual to be married by 20 around here. And I believe we're ready. When it comes to drinking at the wedding; we don't believe in drinking alcohol, so that won't affect us at all. I have no "wild oats" to sow because I'm remaining a virgin until I'm married and I don't party. I will be 19 when we get married and he will be 20. We've talked to many people about getting married because we value the advice of others. Our approval rating is quite high, because people know us and how we live our lives. Those who don't approve think I'm just getting married for sex. (Which I am not, because honestly, I am terrified) But those people really don't know me. But the way I see it, when we celebrate our 50th anniversary together, is it going to matter whether or not we got married at 19 or 21? It isn't. Because I KNOW that we will be together forever; Divorce is not an option for us. =) Hope this helps.
Posted by tiffanymills2010[/QUOTE]

Did you really go digging for posts dated from August to be able to justify getting married at your age?

polichik · December 2010

Trust the people around you. I consider myself very young to get married (I'm 24 and DH is 27 and we married this September), but everyone around us was so supportive and happy for us. We got engaged at 21 and 24, and I think it said volumes that all our friends and family thought it was exactly right for us. If they had been concerned or thought we were too young, I would've taken their words seriously.

DanielleZZ · December 2010

There is no right age! Think about where you are in your life, where your relationship is, and what you want out of life. Also listen to your friends and family, especially your mom, sometimes they can be wrong but other times they see things that you don't. My FI and I are 22/23 and are getting married in March. We have been together for over 7 yeas and feel that we are ready to be married. When we got engaged, 18 months ago, we got mixed opinions from people about our age. Most of our friends were opposed (becasue they are all still in their "party" phase and couldnt imagine being tied down) but our famillies were fully supportive. My parents knew that we were ready and never questioned anything because of our age; this meant a lot to me becasue they know me better than anyone. If my parents would have been concerned we would have had a much longer engagment because I trust their opinion and would have wanted to explore their concerns.
Good Luck in your decisions : )

DanielleZZ · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_young-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e3e545ad-1ed9-484e-a88d-7c5cad9bb898Post:cb9bdd97-1432-477d-9b4f-88c0c0790779">Re: How Young Is Too Young?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How Young Is Too Young? : You may not consider divorce an option, but does that mean you'd rather be stuck in an unhappy, loveless marriage 50 years down the road? This is a genuine question, by the way. I just honestly don't understand what people mean when they say that.
Posted by jamierobin[/QUOTE]

I can't speak for tiffany or anyone else but my FI and I also dont believe in divorce so I wanted to comment on your question. So yes we would rather be in an unhappy, loveless marriage than get divorced.

megk8oz · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_young-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e3e545ad-1ed9-484e-a88d-7c5cad9bb898Post:95c1cca3-e0bf-4523-b952-cfa7f0bc7039">Re: How Young Is Too Young?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How Young Is Too Young? : I can't speak for tiffany or anyone else but <strong>my FI and I also dont believe in divorce</strong> so I wanted to comment on your question. So yes we would rather be in an unhappy, loveless marriage than get divorced.
Posted by DanielleZZ[/QUOTE]

Honey, divorce isn't Santa or the Tooth Fairy. It's quite real, therefore one can't "not believe in it". You may choose to not like the option, but saying that you "don't believe" in something that most certainly exists is quite an ignorant statement.

Also, I find it incredibly sad that you would rather have a miserable and lonely life if you're marriage wasn't working out than trying to make yourselves happy. I'm not saying that everybody should call it quits if it gets hard without actually trying to work it out. However, if you've given it every last effort and it's not working, I actually think it's more selfish and immature for a couple that should get divorced to stay together, especially if there's kids involved.

You're pretty much okay with forcing your partner to stay with you and be miserable, instead of giving them the freedom to actually be happy. And if you have children, you're sending them the message that unhealthy relationships are completely acceptable, and that being in a happy, healthy relationship is just not an option for somebody if they happen to make a mistake the first time they get married. Which in turn, is setting them up to be potentially lonely and miserable their entire lives. Just for the sake of some sanctimonious bullsh!t on your part. Great parenting right there. Really. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

mgietler76 · December 2010

I just wanted to put my two cents out here about divorce. My parents were raised Roman Catholic and also don't "believe" in divorce, the result has been an awful marriage where they are now to the point that they haven't shared a bed in 15 years, and when they do talk to each other it's in short clipped sentences.

Growing up I always felt like I did something wrong to make my parents act cold towards each other and spent many sleepless nights listening to them argue when they thought we were all asleep. When I was old enough to understand I asked my mom why she never left and her answer was simple "Divorce is not an option" I still think less of my parents for staying together when counseling had failed and not doing what they could to make our lives as children and their's as adults better by simply separating. It's selfish and unfair to all parties involved. Staying together for "the kids" is so stupid, they know you aren't happy and I can guarantee they will be better off living without the extra anxiety and stress.

I don't expect anyone to take my advice and I am sure I won't change your mind.

marissa_claire · December 2010

This is certainly interesting to read through everyone's responses.

From my perspective, looking at the ages people discussed on here, reminded me of when I was an RA and then Hall Director in college. I worked with Freshman students who were 18-19. Even as someone 1-2 years older than them, they seemed wildly immature to me. I guess I'm looking at it now imagining if those same kids were engaged or married and absolutely knowing it would be crazy.

I do think you need to live on your own and have a plan in case something happens. I say this because of the few girls I know that were married early, they can all support themselves without a husband and I can honestly say they are well-grounded women.

I don't think there is a one-size fits all answer. We were engaged when I was 22, and I can say that if my parents would have told me it's too early or that I'm too young, I would have waited a few extra years just to please them. Your parents have another 20+ years of living, and if you aren't able to realize that those experiences in that extra 20+ might give them more wisdom, then I think you're no better than a 16-yr-old slamming the door and pouting.

MrsMack10612 · December 2010

I didn't read every response, but most of them and the general opinion is the same; but I honestly believe that getting married younger than 25 can be a bad idea (see family history below, so I'm jaded).

First off, I feel like an old hag - my FI and I have been together for 10 years and I will be just shy of my 39th birthday when I get married - for the first time. We had/have our reasons for waiting, but y'all still make me feel really OLD.

Secondly, my family history has a great deal to do with why I wanted to wait. There are 4 kids in my family (including me) - and between them there have been 4 divorces, 6 marriages (and I'll repeat I've NEVER been married). Add to that that they were all married at 23 or under(for the first time if applicable) and my parents divorced after 25 years. My parents were 20 (mom) and 24 (dad).

I think divorce should always be an option - like others have said, no one gets married expecting to divorce, but being unhappy is not the right answer either.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2010

I didn't read all the responses so this may have already been said.

If you have to ask, you're too young.

DanielleZZ · December 2010

Your right, saying that I "don't believe in divorce" was a bad choice of words it obviously exists. What I meant was that my FI and I don't acknowledge it as an option for our marriage. This is a personal choice that we have both made separately and together. I don't push this belief on anyone, every couple makes their own decisions about their relationship/marriage and what they want and expect out of it. I am close with people who share this decisions as well as people who are on their 3rd marriage and I dont see them any differently.

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