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Wedding Etiquette Forum
TheBaysideBride
member
Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?
Hi - we are having an out of town wedding (it's in New England, so a desination for basically everyone). Originally we thought the RD would be for about 40 of our closest family, and then cocktails with everyone. But the venue has been working really well with us, and we can now afford to have a laid back barbecue/lobster bake for everyone (which is totally our style). We'll have about 100-150 people in town that night.
The only drawback is losing the intimacy of the small RD, for toasts, etc. What do you guys think? I love the idea of having everyone invited to a BBQ after they've traveled a good distance, but also know that the smaller setting would lend itself to a more intimate dinner.
The only drawback is losing the intimacy of the small RD, for toasts, etc. What do you guys think? I love the idea of having everyone invited to a BBQ after they've traveled a good distance, but also know that the smaller setting would lend itself to a more intimate dinner.
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Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate?
Sounds like you are planning on having two receptions!
I'd say this decision is up to you. . . do you want a small rehersal dinner or a larger event that includes many more people?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
If you can afford it, I'd invite whoever wants to come....especially since they're all from OOT My best friend had 75% of their wedding guests from out of town. So the night before, they did a giant party at her house....it was like having a pre-wedding reception almost....it was really laid back and fun and she loved it because she got to talk to everyone at length and was able to relax on the wedding day without only getting to see people for 5 minutes at the reception.
We'd want to duplicate this a little bit ourselves with the OOT people. I do not want to see my close friends who came 3,000 miles for me (or my family from Europe if they come) for 5 minutes....Im really going to appreciate having a few hours at least to visit.
I'm leaning toward the first plan - small RD, and then cocktails for everyone (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this).
Thank you guys for your insight.
We are also doing the ketubah signing after the rehersal, and that will definitely be intimate, with wedding party and immediate family.
My rehearsal dinner was planned and hosted by my mother and father in law, and they were so excited that they invited pretty much everyone that was on the wedding guest list.
It was extremely stressful and exhausting.
Most of the bridal party was late, despite being told to arrive half an hour early. That meant that we were trying to rehearse while everyone stared at us like we were a circus act. AND it also meant that I had to spent 20 minutes trying to get through 50+ people to find the bridal party member to get them together.
Not only that, but everyone wanted to talk to me, the bride, on the night before the wedding. I was exhausted, and suffering from food poisoning, and losing my mind from nerves. I'm embarrassed at how much I resented having to go to that rehearsal dinnner, but all I wanted to do was have a quite calm evening to collect myself and get extra sleep.
[QUOTE] I'm leaning toward the first plan - small RD, and then cocktails for everyone (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this). Thank you guys for your insight.
Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]
Sounds very nice.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
[QUOTE]My rehearsal dinner was planned and hosted by my mother and father in law, and they were so excited that they invited pretty much everyone that was on the wedding guest list. It was extremely stressful and exhausting. Most of the bridal party was late, despite being told to arrive half an hour early. That meant that we were trying to rehearse while everyone stared at us like we were a circus act. AND it also meant that I had to spent 20 minutes trying to get through 50+ people to find the bridal party member to get them together. Not only that, but everyone wanted to talk to me, the bride, on the night before the wedding. I was exhausted, and suffering from food poisoning, and losing my mind from nerves. I'm embarrassed at how much I resented having to go to that rehearsal dinnner, but all I wanted to do was have a quite calm evening to collect myself and get extra sleep.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]
Yikes! What food did you in?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
As soon as I let go of the "rehearsal dinner" idea, I was fine with it. At first I also wanted something more intimate, but these people are traveling so far for us, might as well use all the time possible to catch up and have fun!
[QUOTE]Thanks - the wedding is very formal, so this wouldn't really be like a second reception, I just feel a little resposible for feeding all the out of towners once they get to the venue. I know - not my problem!! but the hotel gave us such a good price that I thought it could be cool to open it to everyone (and then no one is wondering if they're invited). I'm leaning toward the first plan - <strong>small RD, and then cocktails for everyone</strong> (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this). Thank you guys for your insight.
Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]
Cocktails for everyone, meaning you'd not feed the OOT guests, but they could stop in for drinks after dinner?
In that case, that is not correct. It's almost like doing a tiered reception, which=bad.
I was in the bridal party for a rehearsal dinner like this. About 40 of us received rehearsal dinner invites and like 100 other OOT guests were instructed to come for drinks and games later on. A bunch of the non-dinner people showed up while we were eating dinner (speeches ran long, dinner got served later than expected). It was really, really awkward.
Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE] I'm leaning toward the first plan - small RD, and then cocktails for everyone (there is an outdoor pool and outdoor games area, where we will likely do this). Thank you guys for your insight. Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE] My brother and SIl did this. They did the rehearsal and RD in a private room at the RD venue. They then had out apps/munchies and drinks for all OOT guests. <strong>Once we finished dinner, we just joined the party the next room over</strong>, so no one was showing up watching us eat/do speeches. I'm not sure that this would be tierd though, as I saw them as 2 seperate events. One being the RD, the other being the OOT/family drinks. I could be wrong though Drinks happened well after a dinner hour, so there was no need to serve anything other than snacks/appies
Posted by kje_[/QUOTE]
See...but imagine you were a guest who wasn't "good enough" to be included in the dinner. They knew full well that you all were eating and toasting in that private room. If they didn't, they sure as heck found out when you all made your entrance. That sucks, and that is tiered.
Host everyone fully, or not at all. Including OOT guests at the rehearsal dinner is not a requirement...nor are rehearsals (and the rehearsal dinners that go along with) themselves. Tiering RDs for the sake of "including" everyone in some way is just plain silly.
[QUOTE]Are you sure your OOT guests will be there the night before? Our wedding is OOT for everyone - it's in PA and FI's family is in NY, but the only people we're inviting to the RD and who we expect to be in town are in the WP. We're going to a wedding in NH this summer and are not planning on going up the day before because it's just not worth the cost of the hotel for a 2nd night to go to the RD they are hosting.
Posted by J+A 2013[/QUOTE]
<div>It might depend on your crowd. Both my brothers got married in AZ and we were from the east coast. Everyone (35 of us) arrived on the Thursday before the Saturday wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>My wedding was OOT for 100% of the guests, but only a 3-4 drive for most people. About 60% were there on Thursday, by Friday night I would say 90% were in town. </div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate? : Yikes! What food did you in?
Posted by cmsciulli[/QUOTE]
It was chicken at a restaurant two nights prior to the RD. It was aweful, and I almost went to the hospital because I couldn't keep fluids in me.
I also almost didn't fit my dress (it was too big), and had the most lamo bachelorette party in existence because I spent the entire night clutching the barstool and swigging pepto bismol while watching everyone else drink.
RDs are intended only for the people in the ceremony itself, but the recent trend is to turn it into a big party. That's awesome if you're a people person. But if you are an introvert like me, it turns into torture. My nerves were high, I was exhausted, there were so many details to still double-check, I didn't know most of the people there, and not much rehearsing was getting done. But I had to plaster on a smile and endure 10 million questions about why I wasn't eating, and ' you better not be starving yourself'. From complete strangers. Joy.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehersal dinner size - invite all, or keep it intimate? :<strong> It might depend on your crowd.</strong> Both my brothers got married in AZ and we were from the east coast. Everyone (35 of us) arrived on the Thursday before the Saturday wedding. My wedding was OOT for 100% of the guests, but only a 3-4 drive for most people. About 60% were there on Thursday, by Friday night I would say 90% were in town.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
<div>It definitely depends. FI's family has to travel farther than mine, but they are the type that won't even stay in the hotel afterwards while I expect a decent amount of my family to stay overnight (FFIL mentioned maybe getting a bus to transport everyone from NY so they don't have to drive themselves, for example). But that's why it's good to know beforehand what you'll be dealing with. </div><div>
</div><div>We also aren't getting married in an interesting location with a lot to do (like the beach or a resort in the mountains) so there's less appeal for people to show up early. </div>
I'm going to continue talking it over w/ FI and his family. I think the early RD/ketubah signing for wedding party, and then cocktails and BBQ with the whole crowd might be the way to go.