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Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL

I have 8 girls in my party...7 BM and a MOH

I've known my MOH longer than all of my other BMs and she lets it be known to them. Currently, they are planning the Bridal Shower and the MOH is taking her role a little too far, to the point to where the BMs are calling me telling on her because she's "telling" them what to do. Like "You need to get the things for the shower" or "This needs to be done by Tuesday". She's being very rude to them and me...By texting me and telling me she didn't "approve" anything I got one of the other BMs to do.

Tasks have been delegated and she has been stepping in and taking over the tasks that the other BMs have without speaking to them about it first.

I think she means well, but her personality is clashing with everyone else's and it is raising my anxiety level because they are telling me about it. I plan on talking to her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?

Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:f3ab454c-bf5b-4932-ada4-354dd50662eb">Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have 8 girls in my party...7 BM and a MOH I've known my MOH longer than all of my other BMs and she lets it be known to them. Currently, they are planning the Bridal Shower and the MOH is taking her role a little too far, to the point to where the BMs are calling me telling on her because she's "telling" them what to do. Like "You need to get the things for the shower" or "This needs to be done by Tuesday". She's being very rude to them and me...By texting me and telling me she didn't "approve" anything I got one of the other BMs to do. Tasks have been delegated and she has been stepping in and taking over the tasks that the other BMs have without speaking to them about it first. I think she means well, but her personality is clashing with everyone else's and it is raising my anxiety level because they are telling me about it. I plan on talking to her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?
    Posted by MsRClark[/QUOTE]

    First, stop <strong>STOP STOP STOP </strong>assigning "tasks" for your bridal party to do. They are not your slaves. You and your FI should handle wedding tasks like favors, programs, etc.
    Also, stay out of the planning of your Bridal shower.

    Second, go out to coffee or lunch or happy hour with your MOH and don't talk about anything wedding related. It sounds like you both need a reality check that life doesn't revolve around your wedding.

    Third, let her know that you appreciate all of her efforts, but you and your FI have everything taken care of for the wedding and you want her to sit back and enjoy the party.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2012
    I agree with the PP that you need to stop delegating things to your wedding party members.  It is apparently this that is giving your MOH the idea that her role include "overseeing" the other bridesmaids and "approving" things.  I think you need to clarify to her that her role in the wedding does not consist of "overseeing" the other bridesmaids or "approving" anything.
  • First off, stop delegating things to your friends to do for YOUR wedding. They are not there to do everything for you; this includes your BM's and MOH. IF they volunteer to do something, great; but neither you or your MOH should be telling anyone what they have to do... totally uncalled for!
    Praying for a miracle!
  • Hold up I think were jumping to conclusions about the delegation of responsibilities....for either issue I would ask questions first maybe op/moh had no idea that they are doing anything wrong maybe their intentiins aren't coming across as they were meant?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:524410a8-17a0-45e2-a28f-7b114c0771c3">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]First, I DID NOT delegate tasks to any of the BMs or MOH...They decided and agreed on tasks to plan the Bridal Shower together...I had nothing to do with that...
    Posted by MsRClark[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>That's what I read it as, but I can see where the other girls got confused. And RClark, I'm awfully sorry your MOH is being like that. I was a bM with an MOH like that and it was hell. I felt awful for the bride - I had avoided telling her what was going on (I'm kind of bothered that your BMs brought you into it) but apparently the MOH felt the need to screem at the brides FMIL over the phone three weeks before the shower. This obviously got back to the bride, who was a total wreck as a result. </div><div>
    </div><div>That said, since the party is being planned for you, there is not much you can do other than quietly give the other girls the knowledge that just because you've known MOH the longest, doesn't mean she's superior. I'd also calmly request that the MOH be a bit nicer to the other girls, and have a calm talk with her about what's going on with her - keep it non wedding related, but feel out how she's doing emotionally. The crazy MOH I dealt with was having a full blown melt down because her long term boyfriend was involved with someone else and she seemed to be displacing her shattered dreams for a wedding of her own on the bride's shower. I'm not saying that's definitely what's going on with your MOH, but it's clear that there's SOMETHING in her life that she's feeling insecure about. We wouldn't have known about past MOH if we hadn't sat her down and asked her what was going on. </div><div>
    </div><div>And then finally, try to stay out of it after that. It's a party for you, not thrown by you, so your BMs really shouldn't be running to you with every complaint. Make sure they know that you think she's out of line (and she isn't just being awful because you put her up to it to make your shower perfect) and then leave it alone. And make sure you enjoy your day!</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:b4dedbfb-29a1-4cf1-9883-4b00fe8f94d6">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with the PP that you need to stop delegating things to your wedding party members.  It is apparently this that is giving your MOH the idea that her role include "overseeing" the other bridesmaids and "approving" things.  <strong>I think you need to clarify to her that her role in the wedding does not consist of "overseeing" the other bridesmaids or "approving" anything.</strong>
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Oh and I totally second what Jen says here. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:d957f30c-10fd-4cd0-bf09-a92e108fe937">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL : First, stop STOP STOP STOP assigning "tasks" for your bridal party to do. They are not your slaves. You and your FI should handle wedding tasks like favors, programs, etc. Also, stay out of the planning of your Bridal shower. Second, go out to coffee or lunch or happy hour with your MOH and don't talk about anything wedding related. It sounds like you both need a reality check that life doesn't revolve around your wedding. Third, let her know that you appreciate all of her efforts, but you and your FI have everything taken care of for the wedding and you want her to sit back and enjoy the party.
    Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

    First, I DID NOT delegate tasks to any of the BMs or MOH...They decided and agreed on tasks to plan the Bridal Shower together...I had nothing to do with that...

    Second, I haven't been in any planning of my Bridal Shower...I've just been told constantly about the MOH's attitude and bossiness...

    Third, my roommate is a BM and if I ask her to help me with something (ie, going to pick up something for the wedding), the MOH asks me why wasn't it approved by her.

    Fourth and Fifth, I've planned my wedding by MYSELF...With no help (my fiance' is in the military). I haven't asked or "delegated" any tasks to my BMs...And I do not talk about my wedding or cloud their schedules with wedding things. I am too busy for that (Graduate School, Social Worker for Abused Children, Sorority and etc).

    My question was to gain advice from other brides to be able to talk to her before the issue gets worse. I have a few outspoken BMs that don't hold their tongue and I am trying to avoid them fighting...I don't need that added stress.
  • I think you need to talk to your MOH and say that you appreciate what she's doing but YOU are the one in charge of the wedding.   When you ask someone for a favor there's nothing for her to approve.

    A heart to heart is probably in order here. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:444de8bf-c883-45cc-aa8c-dc20b8309f4e">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL : First, I DID NOT delegate tasks to any of the BMs or MOH...They decided and agreed on tasks to plan the Bridal Shower together...I had nothing to do with that... Second, I haven't been in any planning of my Bridal Shower...I've just been told constantly about the MOH's attitude and bossiness... <strong>Third, my roommate is a BM and if I ask her to help me with something (ie, going to pick up something for the wedding), the MOH asks me why wasn't it approved by her.</strong> Fourth and Fifth, I've planned my wedding by MYSELF...With no help (my fiance' is in the military). I haven't asked or "delegated" any tasks to my BMs...And I do not talk about my wedding or cloud their schedules with wedding things. I am too busy for that (Graduate School, Social Worker for Abused Children, Sorority and etc). My question was to gain advice from other brides to be able to talk to her before the issue gets worse. I have a few outspoken BMs that don't hold their tongue and I am trying to avoid them fighting...I don't need that added stress.
    Posted by MsRClark[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Whoa whoa whoa. Tell your MOH she's gotta slow her roll. That's way too weird. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:6912d10c-b79d-4f5e-b545-884b1cb95a34">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL : Whoa whoa whoa. Tell your MOH she's gotta slow her roll. That's way too weird. 
    Posted by Fancypantsamy[/QUOTE]

    I know huh?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:adb8b936-5a9d-48b9-8880-3faf2b35dbaf">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL : I know huh?
    Posted by MsRClark[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Yeah seriously. I think if any bride needs to get to the bottom of what's really going on with her friend, it's you, because that's pretty unhinged. Definitely talk to her about what's going on in  her mind right now and try to read between the lines a bit. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:444de8bf-c883-45cc-aa8c-dc20b8309f4e">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL : First, I DID NOT delegate tasks to any of the BMs or MOH...They decided and agreed on tasks to plan the Bridal Shower together...I had nothing to do with that... Second, I haven't been in any planning of my Bridal Shower...I've just been told constantly about the MOH's attitude and bossiness... Third, my roommate is a BM and if I ask her to help me with something (ie, going to pick up something for the wedding), the MOH asks me why wasn't it approved by her. Fourth and Fifth, I've planned my wedding by MYSELF...With no help (my fiance' is in the military). I haven't asked or "delegated" any tasks to my BMs...And I do not talk about my wedding or cloud their schedules with wedding things. I am too busy for that (Graduate School, Social Worker for Abused Children, Sorority and etc). My question was to gain advice from other brides to be able to talk to her before the issue gets worse. I have a few outspoken BMs that don't hold their tongue and I am trying to avoid them fighting...I don't need that added stress.
    Posted by MsRClark[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>i don't think there is anything wrong with you asking for help if it wasn't for my friends mine wouldn't be coming together like it is!! I'm having the same problem with my MOH about her dress i'm have a "chic country theme-ish" and she is wanting sparkles and jewles i'm not sure what to do! 

    </div>
  • If your MOH makes another comment to you about her "approving" or whatever, that's the time to have a quick conversation with her just letting her know that you're good and appreciate her help, but you have the final say on everything.

    As for the rest of it, stay out of it!  Your other BM's are adults and shouldn't be coming to complain to you about it.  They should deal with her themselves.  I just don't understand that at all.....There's no way I would ever go complain to one of my friends about her other friend if I were having an issue with them. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:de57ee4f-d1e6-4bcd-811f-54ac55c0e754">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]If your MOH makes another comment to you about her "approving" or whatever, that's the time to have a quick conversation with her just letting her know that you're good and appreciate her help, but you have the final say on everything. As for the rest of it, stay out of it!  Your other BM's are adults and shouldn't be coming to complain to you about it.  They should deal with her themselves. <strong> I just don't understand that at all.....There's no way I would ever go complain to one of my friends about her other friend if I were having an issue with them. </strong>
    Posted by saric83[/QUOTE]

    It kind of depends on the group dynamics.  If the other bridesmaids don't know the MOH well, or if they've been having a lot of problems with her,  they may well need the bride to run interference, especially if they've already gone to the MOH first and gotten nowhere (which it sounds like) because she's too overbearing.  Sometimes people with those kinds of personalities need to hear "Hey, you need to cool it" messages with people who do make the rules and set the boundaries, and in the case of bridesmaids, that would be the bride.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:41c30466-11e3-4dbe-866c-5c1a4a82e17f">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL : It kind of depends on the group dynamics.  If the other bridesmaids don't know the MOH well, or if they've been having a lot of problems with her,  they may well need the bride to run interference, especially if they've already gone to the MOH first and gotten nowhere (which it sounds like) because she's too overbearing.  Sometimes people with those kinds of personalities need to hear "Hey, you need to cool it" messages with people who do make the rules and set the boundaries, and in the case of bridesmaids, that would be the bride.
    Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    I totally get what you're saying, but I still think it's silly for her to have the conversation to confront her about how she's treating the BM's with regards to the shower planning.  If I'm getting bossed around and being treated poorly by someone I kind of know, I'm going to have a discussion with them and deal with it instead of trying to find someone who knows them better to fix it for me.  It just seems really unnecessary for her friends to be bringing her into the middle of it. 

    I definitely agree that she's probably someone who needs to have someone tell her she's crossing the line, but if the bride is going to be the one to confront and do that, it should be in reference to a direct situation that she has seen or experienced (like the "approval" comment right to the bride), not about some secondhand conversation from other BM's. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-is-out-of-control?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:1218a61a-4156-4141-9245-d2946cab2749Post:4e90ea0c-3c28-4841-a306-0ca7c750c87f">Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL : I totally get what you're saying, but I still think it's silly for her to have the conversation to confront her about how she's treating the BM's with regards to the shower planning.  If I'm getting bossed around and being treated poorly by someone I kind of know, I'm going to have a discussion with them and deal with it instead of trying to find someone who knows them better to fix it for me.  It just seems really unnecessary for her friends to be bringing her into the middle of it.  I definitely agree that she's probably someone who needs to have someone tell her she's crossing the line, but if the bride is going to be the one to confront and do that, it should be in reference to a direct situation that she has seen or experienced (like the "approval" comment right to the bride), not about some secondhand conversation from other BM's. 
    Posted by saric83[/QUOTE]

    Based on this MOH's personality and what the OP writes, I think that the bridesmaids have already told her directly to back off and she won't.  So I totally disagree that it's "silly" for them to go to the bride.  It shouldn't be necessary, I agree with you about that, but unfortunately, this MOH has made it necessary, because she's a bully. 

    Unfortunately, when there's anyone of any age, in any group situation, who acts like a bully even when told by their victim to stop, the leader of the group has to be the one to tell them to back off-whether or not they've personally experienced anything-because the bully gets off on the bullying and keeps it up unless the leader enforces consequences.  And they don't usually do it in the leader's presence, so the leader won't have first-hand knowledge of the bullying-only what the victims tell him or her. The bully is not going to stop <strong>unless</strong> s/he is "confronted" by the leader.  A "confrontation" can be as simple as just telling this MOH, "Your role as MOH does not involve telling the others what to do or approving anything.  The other bridesmaids <strong>and I</strong> (my emphasis) want you not to do it."
  • In Response to Re:Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL:In Response to Maid of Honor is OUT OF CONTROL : First, stop STOP STOP STOP assigning "tasks" for your bridal party to do. They are not your slaves. You and your FI should handle wedding tasks like favors, programs, etc. Also, stay out of the planning of your Bridal shower. Second, go out to coffee or lunch or happy hour with your MOH and don't talk about anything wedding related. It sounds like you both need a reality check that life doesn't revolve around your wedding. Third, let her know that you appreciate all of her efforts, but you and your FI have everything taken care of for the wedding and you want her to sit back andnbsp;enjoy the party.Posted by itzMSFirst, I DID NOT delegate tasks to any of the BMs or MOH...They decided and agreed on tasks to plan the Bridal Shower together...I had nothing to do with that...Second, I haven't been in any planning of my Bridal Shower...I've just been told constantly about the MOH's attitude and bossiness...Third, my roommate is a BM and if I ask her to help me with something ie, going to pick up something for the wedding, the MOH asks me why wasn't it approved by her.Fourth and Fifth, I've planned my wedding by MYSELF...With no help my fiance' is in the military. I haven't asked or "delegated" any tasks to my BMs...And I do not talk about my wedding or cloud their schedules with wedding things. I am too busy for that Graduate School, Social Worker for Abused Children, Sorority and etc.My question was to gain advice from other brides to be able to talk to her before the issue gets worse. I have a few outspoken BMs that don't hold their tongue and I am trying to avoid them fighting...I don't need that added stress. Posted by MsRClark[/QUOTE]
    As her friend be real with her and tell her to sit her ass down somewhere and curb her attitude. Let her know she is not superior and its not her wedding...means well or not....shes none you ladies mother...and she needs to be reminded before one of your bms politely whoops her ass for running her mouth too much...ive been in this situation and we all whooped her ass when she referred to us ass her 'minions'...she didn't come to the wedding
    ****The Future Mrs. Ikeard**** wedding countdown
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