Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup

mimijesse · June 2012

He just decided he wants a prenup. I am devastated. 10 days before the wedding. Absolutely devastated that he is planning the end before it even starts

Summer2011Bride · June 2012

Did he say why he would like a pre-nup? Wanting one doesn't automatically mean someone thinks you're going to get divorced. There are many (logical) reasons to get pre-nups.

ErinG93 · June 2012

A pre-nup isn't planning the end. Why did he wait until 10 days before the wedding to discuss this with you?

ETA: I guess a pre-nup IS planning the end, but signing a pre-nup doesn't mean he's actually planning on ending things. I know, I'm being confusing.

eirwyn · June 2012

I know there's a stigma with pre-nups, but please don't feel hurt. He's not planning the end. A prenup is insurance.

You buy house insurance just in case of fire. You buy auto insurance in case of an accident. You buy health insurance in case of an emergency. You sign a prenup as insurance for your assets.

They're all *just in case* something happens. Nobody plans for a fire, a car accident, a broken bone, or a divorce, but it's nice to have insurance when those things occur.

Please don't take it personally.

LesPaul · June 2012

Sorry he sprung this on you, but it doesn't mean he's planning his exit. As PPs said, it's insurance, and makes sense for many couples. DH and I don't have a pre-nup, but I would have been ok with it if he had asked for one.

Is there a particular reason or certain asset(s) he's wanting to protect?

leia1979 · June 2012

A prenup is not a big deal. I have one (I wanted it). I'm with Eirwyn that they're just another form of insurance. They are expensive, though, unless you have a lawyer hook up.

However, if you're only ten days out, a prenup will possibly not hold up in court. My lawyer advised having it finalized well in advance of the wedding.

AdeleDazeem · June 2012

What is he protecting?

If my husband had a large inheritance or something, I'd be understanding about a prenup, even if it was ten days before the wedding.

Think rationally and not emotionally about this.

NicoleSahara · June 2012

I wouldn't look at it as planning the end, but I admit I think it would sting a little. Can you talk it out, tell him how you're feeling? Plenty of couples get prenups and stay happily married for good, so don't be too discouraged by that alone. Depending on his financial situation, a lot of advisors strongly recommend them. If I knew the why behind it and it made sense I think it would be easier to handle.

ootmother2 · June 2012

IMO everyone should have prenups.

Had your FI ever voiced this opinion in the past?

jemmini6 · June 2012

The only thing that seems odd is that he waited until 10 days before the wedding. A pre-nup itself, however, can be a very logical thing to have and does NOT mean that he's planning for a divorce.

eguzman2323 · June 2012

I dont see it as planning the end. Like others mentioned a prenup is just one more insurance to tag onto your married life. Just remember this will not only protect him but you as well. If I were you I would ask for his reasons so you could understand it better and feel less hurt. Good luck!

kateguess22 · June 2012

I'm really sorry that you're feeling really upset! I completely understand but I also completely understand his decision. If he wants it, he wants it. Better for him to talk to you and get a prenup (for both of you) then to go into the marriage not telling you what he wants because he's afraid of disagreeing with you! Don't let this take anything away from your excitement/enjoyment of the wedding. My advice is to talk to him some more and see if you can see things from his perspective. I bet you actually want the same things when you sit down and talk about it.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

Like others said, it doesn't mean he's planning for the end. However, do make sure that if you do get a prenup, that you protect your interests too (best recommendation, you should both talk to an attorney -- a separate one for each of you). Don't get pressured into signing, because the wedding is coming up quickly.

ootmother2 · June 2012

A pre nup has the advantages that a willl. provides as well.

A while back, there was a knottie on here (and the nest) who's husband was killed before they were even married two years. He died without a will (many 30 year olds don't) His parents seized everything their son's name was on. Half of everything included their house which she was force to sell

A prenup would have prevented that

mimijesse · June 2012

His reason is 'In case I divorce him 7 days after the wedding'. He owns next to nothing. He has a house that is mortgaged higher than its worth and a truck that is worth about $6000. I am just so hurt that he is now bringing it up and not 6 months ago.

Matty143 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:c0e2c727-30e1-4177-97b6-2ca10f9f9eab">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]What is he protecting? If my husband had a large inheritance or something, I'd be understanding about a prenup, even if it was ten days before the wedding. <strong> Think rationally and not emotionally about this.</strong>
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. I know its hard though : (
Just make sure that you have representation and that you feel its a fair agreement.

What exactly is he looking to protect?

Rosie109 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:41f91df6-11cb-432d-9571-8a145cee35e8">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]His reason is 'In case I divorce him 7 days after the wedding'. He owns next to nothing. He has a house that is mortgaged higher than its worth and a truck that is worth about $6000. I am just so hurt that he is now bringing it up and not 6 months ago.
Posted by mimijesse[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>That stinks.</div><div>
</div><div>Does he know how this is making you feel?</div>

MyUserName1 · June 2012

In that case, what is he trying to protect? Has he actually taken steps to draw up a pre-nup? Has he spoken to a lawyer? Or is he just talking?

It is crappy to bring it up 10 days out.

baystateapple · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:a64db3a6-1771-4d29-91e6-02269df69a6b">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]A pre nup has the advantages that a willl. provides as well. A while back, there was a knottie on here (and the nest) who's husband was killed before they were even married two years. He died without a will (many 30 year olds don't) His parents seized everything their son's name was on. Half of everything included their house which she was force to sell A prenup would have prevented that
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]
Wow. That is horrible. To do that to their own daughter-in-law? Heinous.

LesPaul · June 2012

Is he reacting to a momentary 'OMG what am I doing' panic about getting married? (which is normal if it's just a fleeting thought). Can you rationally talk about how this hurts you?

ootmother2 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:a7fb90fb-b607-41d0-a72c-73074a03416d">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup : Wow. That is horrible. To do that to their own daughter-in-law? Heinous.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Worse! Losing her husband was bad enough, right? They sucked

AmandaGT26 · June 2012

You don't have to worry about a thing. He can't ask for a pre-nup this late in the game. A pre-nup is a contract which means that you need sufficient time to consider the agreement. You would also need ample time to hire an attorney and make an appointment to meet with them and get advice. I am signing our pre-nup next week and it has taken 6 months to get this completed. Asking for a pre-nup 10 days before your wedding puts you in a condition of duress and would be thrown out in court.

Initially I was against doing a pre-nup but I'm so glad I did. The law is changing dramatically against women, especially those who choose to stay home and raise children.

leia1979 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:41f91df6-11cb-432d-9571-8a145cee35e8">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]His reason is 'In case I divorce him 7 days after the wedding'. He owns next to nothing. He has a house that is mortgaged higher than its worth and a truck that is worth about $6000. I am just so hurt that he is now bringing it up and not 6 months ago.
Posted by mimijesse[/QUOTE]

Um, what? I know laws vary by state, but in California premarital assets are not part of community property.

If he has nothing, how would he afford a prenup? My friend who is a lawyer charges about $3k, plus both parties should have their own legal representation (another $500 or so).

And yeah, I do find his attitude very odd.

kateguess22 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:41e3dbd3-cb36-4657-8086-aa11596ab9a6">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to worry about a thing. He can't ask for a pre-nup this late in the game. A pre-nup is a contract which means that you need sufficient time to consider the agreement. You would also need ample time to hire an attorney and make an appointment to meet with them and get advice. I am signing our pre-nup next week and it has taken 6 months to get this completed. Asking for a pre-nup 10 days before your wedding puts you in a condition of duress and would be thrown out in court. Initially I was against doing a pre-nup but I'm so glad I did. The law is changing dramatically against women, especially those who choose to stay home and raise children.
Posted by AmandaGT26[/QUOTE]

This is such an interesting post! I didn't know any of this! It makes total sense though that it is way too close to the wedding now for you to both sign it without doubt that you had enough time to consider everything and not feel forced to sign it.

rsanna · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:41e3dbd3-cb36-4657-8086-aa11596ab9a6">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to worry about a thing. He can't ask for a pre-nup this late in the game. A pre-nup is a contract which means that you need sufficient time to consider the agreement. You would also need ample time to hire an attorney and make an appointment to meet with them and get advice. I am signing our pre-nup next week and it has taken 6 months to get this completed. Asking for a pre-nup 10 days before your wedding puts you in a condition of duress and would be thrown out in court. Initially I was against doing a pre-nup but I'm so glad I did. The law is changing dramatically against women, especially those who choose to stay home and raise children.
Posted by AmandaGT26[/QUOTE]

Not to thread jack or anything, but how are the laws changing? Sorry, I am just curious.

But on topic, it does make sense that you can't get a prenup this close to the wedding. While the idea of a prenup doesn't bother me, it definitely would if it was proposed 10 days before we were getting married. OP, I sorry you are going through this.

Loopyseven · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:e3cb4f55-5756-4e4e-affc-81b9fd5def58">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]Is he reacting to a momentary 'OMG what am I doing' panic about getting married? (which is normal if it's just a fleeting thought). Can you rationally talk about how this hurts you?
Posted by LesPaul[/QUOTE]

<div>This was my first thought too. 10 days out and this is the first time he's thought of it. And he's got nothing to protect (that you know of?). Sounds like he's grasping for a way to stall/stop things.</div>

Stormz · June 2012

Pre-marital property is not considered community property in my state either. Hmm...

Did he talk to some financial advisor at work or something that scared him into this? Cold feet? Or the OMG WTF am I doing and am I ready to take care of someone else kind of thing? Or do either of you have a ton of debt?

We are also having a prenup and we both have wills. But I am already divorced and barely made it out of a housefire. Its really to protect both of us in the event of a tragedy from the other's family and to make a separation amicable God forbid it should ever happen. It was on request of my GF because of our family business.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:41e3dbd3-cb36-4657-8086-aa11596ab9a6">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to worry about a thing. He can't ask for a pre-nup this late in the game. A pre-nup is a contract which means that you need sufficient time to consider the agreement. You would also need ample time to hire an attorney and make an appointment to meet with them and get advice. I am signing our pre-nup next week and it has taken 6 months to get this completed. Asking for a pre-nup 10 days before your wedding puts you in a condition of duress and would be thrown out in court. Initially I was against doing a pre-nup but I'm so glad I did. The law is changing dramatically against women, especially those who choose to stay home and raise children.
Posted by AmandaGT26[/QUOTE]

So this could be true, but isn't necessarily. A court would definitely look at whether there was duress, and the fact that this is 10 days out would be a point in the duress column, but to say a court would definitely find duress is oversimplifying. You never know.

JaxInBlue · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:7f163395-d159-4f39-b208-525993aae600">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]I tried to get H to get a pre-nup before the wedding, but he was having none of it. He has assets to protect, so it was to protect him. It wasn't that I was planning the end, but I wanted his assets protected in the event of a divorce. I don't feel that in the event of a divorce, I have any claim to his assets, which he acquired before the marriage. 10 days out though? I'd wonder about that. Not in a "he's planning the end" type of thing, but what made him want to do that now, instead of earlier in the engagement?
Posted by Holly4212011[/QUOTE]

I agree with a lot of this. DH brought a lot more into our relationship in terms of assets than I did and I wanted him to have the opportunity to define how those assets would be handled if the worst should happen. It was something I suggested based on seeing several messy divorce battles over things. I'd ask him what brought this on now and I would see what can be done, either as a pre-nup or as part of a post-wedding legal agreement.

ETA: I posted before finishing the thread. In light of what AmandaG brought up, you may want to find out what the laws are in your state. If PPs are correct and this is a moment of cold-feet on his part, this might blow over. If not, you might want to consider what your post-wedding options are for a legal arrangement outlining a division of assets, particularly if you have more to protect than he does.

JordynLeighx3 · June 2012

I dont think the court could just throw the agreement out based on when it was being signed. What about, for instance, celebrities I'm pretty sure the court allowed the kardashians to sign a prenup and they had 2 week engagements! Just like a divorce can be 'rushed' I'm sure something a simple as a prenup could be as well.

Stormz · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fianc-just-decided-he-wants-a-prenup?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be3522da-b776-4868-9c29-36a39e288447Post:2a9a89b3-2005-4fbc-8787-5077a976dd3e">Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup : So this could be true, but isn't necessarily. A court would definitely look at whether there was duress, and the fact that this is 10 days out would be a point in the duress column, but to say a court would definitely find duress is oversimplifying. You never know.
Posted by Zipster23[/QUOTE]

^^This.

I would see if he is serious. If he is, talk to a lawyer even if you end up doing a post-nuptial agreement of sorts. I really do not think that is a bad idea, especially if something happens to either one of you (God Forbid)

Fiancé just decided he wants a prenup

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