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Chit Chat
katiej1218
member
Update: Can't afford to live with my FI
in Chit Chat
I have an update for all of you about my situation. I want to first apologize for being somewhat defensive in my earlier posts. I was going through a hard time and it was a really difficult decision to make. As some of you pointed out, sometimes hearing the truth can be a difficult thing and I wasn't ready to hear it at the time. However, I have finally taken your advice. My fiance and I are postponing our wedding indefinitely. I hope to reschedule once I find a full-time job and we are finally living under the same roof. The venue has charged us a $500 cancellation fee, but will put the rest of our payment toward the postponed wedding if we reschedule within a year of the originally planned wedding (July 13).
I am disappointed about pushing the wedding back, but I know that this is the smart decision. I had many talks with my fiance regarding saving money and the future. I sat down with him with a budget (that my dad did help me come up with, but he was not there for the talk). We found that in our current situation, we cannot afford to live together. We'd probably be a few hundred dollars short each month of paying all of our bills. I really had thought that maybe if we just cut back on going out and whatnot that we would be able to afford a place, but after having this talk, it seems like it really isn't a realistic option for us. I'm only working part-time, and his student loan debt ($400 a month!) makes it difficult. Even though he tried to tell me that he could save up enough money from his eBay business by July, it doesn't seem like a reliable plan for our future. The fact is, we don't know when I'll get a full-time job and it doesn't make sense to get married when we don't know what our living situation will be after the wedding. In the meantime, we are cutting back on going out to eat (I've started cooking for him; we're only going out to cheap places when we do go out) and we haven't been to the movies in weeks. I'm trying to get it in his head that we need to save, even though he can be clueless at times (he bought himself an $80 remote last week...what the heck??). Once we do finally live together, I'll be able to get better control on the finances and I'll finally be able to see if he is capable of being independent and doing his share around the house (without mom around doing everything for him!). I'm trying to take it one step at a time and not rush into anything. I'm sad about the wedding but I also feel a lot of relief. The constant worry and stress about what our lives would be like by July has ceased, and now I can take the time to figure things out.
Thank you all for your advice, even if it took me a little time to take it. I know you meant well.
I am disappointed about pushing the wedding back, but I know that this is the smart decision. I had many talks with my fiance regarding saving money and the future. I sat down with him with a budget (that my dad did help me come up with, but he was not there for the talk). We found that in our current situation, we cannot afford to live together. We'd probably be a few hundred dollars short each month of paying all of our bills. I really had thought that maybe if we just cut back on going out and whatnot that we would be able to afford a place, but after having this talk, it seems like it really isn't a realistic option for us. I'm only working part-time, and his student loan debt ($400 a month!) makes it difficult. Even though he tried to tell me that he could save up enough money from his eBay business by July, it doesn't seem like a reliable plan for our future. The fact is, we don't know when I'll get a full-time job and it doesn't make sense to get married when we don't know what our living situation will be after the wedding. In the meantime, we are cutting back on going out to eat (I've started cooking for him; we're only going out to cheap places when we do go out) and we haven't been to the movies in weeks. I'm trying to get it in his head that we need to save, even though he can be clueless at times (he bought himself an $80 remote last week...what the heck??). Once we do finally live together, I'll be able to get better control on the finances and I'll finally be able to see if he is capable of being independent and doing his share around the house (without mom around doing everything for him!). I'm trying to take it one step at a time and not rush into anything. I'm sad about the wedding but I also feel a lot of relief. The constant worry and stress about what our lives would be like by July has ceased, and now I can take the time to figure things out.
Thank you all for your advice, even if it took me a little time to take it. I know you meant well.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update: Can't afford to live with my FI
[QUOTE]I am honestly glad to hear that you decided to postpone. A word of warning, do not count on being able to control your FI's spending better once you move in together. Money is the number one cause of divorce in this country and ideas like that are a large part of why. What you will end up with is resentment and fighting. He needs to get serious about managing is own finances responsibly BEFORE you set anew wedding date.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
This. the fact that he bought an $80.00 remote means he probably isn't ready to "get it". If he doesn't start making those spending changes on his own, then he probably won't do so after you are living together.
Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:
http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
[QUOTE]He needs to get serious about managing is own finances responsibly BEFORE you set anew wedding date.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Absolutely- I don't think I made that clear in my response, but it's part of what I was talking about when I said I hope you make significant progress. If he doesn't show you that he's handling money in an adult manner, don't count on it changing after the wedding. Even if you maintain completely separate finances until after you get married, he still needs to demonstrate that he considers the two of you a team and that he will take a collective approach to budgeting and spending decisions.
A word of warning, do not count on being able to control your FI's spending better once you move in together. Money is the number one cause of divorce in this country and ideas like that are a large part of why. What you will end up with is resentment and fighting. He needs to get serious about managing is own finances responsibly BEFORE you set anew wedding date. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
This. I'm glad you decided to wait until you're both ready, but it doesn't seem like he's going to learn until he has no other choice. This stuff doesn't just fix itself once you say I do. Give it time and make sure he's changing for him, not for you. If he changes for you, he will get tired of it and may eventually resent you. You don't want that in a marriage.
[QUOTE]Yes, I realize this and it's one of my concerns. I'm giving him some time to prove to me that he's listening to me and is ready to be better with his money. The fact that he just bought that remote and was bragging to me about all of its functions, and didn't think anything of it when I asked him how much it cost, makes me think it isn't totally sinking in. I know he's not going to change overnight, but he does need to show me that he's going to be better with money.
Posted by katiej1218[/QUOTE]
Ugh, yeah. I'm sorry, but he doesn't seem to be getting it at all. I would talk about possibly opening up a joint savings account to start saving for housing deposits, first month's rent, etc. and see where you are in 3 months, and again in 6 months. If there isn't a significant amount of money in there in a few months... you know what you are dealing with.
Him telling you that he gets it isn't enough. You are going to need to see something a little more tangible.
Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:
http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
Good luck, from the sounds of things I think you made the right decision.
Ditto Stage, but I also wanted to say that if you are having difficulty paying your student loan, and its a federal one. There should be options for you. You should be able to put off payments for a year, since you are only working part time. It would be a forebearance for financial hardship. It would still generate interest though. Alternatively, there should also be an option to just pay the interest per month. This can help you with your monthly finances until you secure a full time job.
I'm glad you were able to make the tough decision to postpone your wedding. It will be for the best in the long run.
[QUOTE]Ditto Stage, but I also wanted to say that if you are having difficulty paying your student loan, and its a federal one. There should be options for you. You should be able to put off payments for a year, since you are only working part time. It would be a forebearance for financial hardship. It would still generate interest though. Alternatively, there should also be an option to just pay the interest per month. This can help you with your monthly finances until you secure a full time job. I'm glad you were able to make the tough decision to postpone your wedding. It will be for the best in the long run.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]
Thank you for the advice :) I'm paying my student loan without difficulty. I made the decision to commute for the majority of college, so I didn't accumulate too much debt. I only have to pay $150 a month, so I'm managing. He took out a $60,000 private loan for film school- that'll be hanging over our heads for a long time!
[QUOTE]I don't know what your FI makes, but he may want to look into income based repayment. It lengthens the time he has to repay it and bases the monthly payment off of a percentage of his income. That may lower the payments to a more manageable amount.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
<div>My FI went to the same type of school and since his was out-of-state he took out private loans and you can't do income based repayment with private loans, only federal. I was lucky enough to be able to considilate my loans and get income based repayment, FI not so much. It will all depend on what type of loans he has.</div>