What if he doesn't...

silver56 · June 2010

I'll try to make a long story short...my b/f and I have been together for 3.5 years, bought a house together at the end of 2009 and still no ring. His brother who is 29 just proposed to his girl only after being together for a little under 2 years. Was I upset YES! We are going on vacation in July to see my p's. They are taking us to see the Grand Canyon since he has never been. I've had this in my head that he will ask me on vaca. What if he doesn't?? I'm trying so hard not to think about this, but its hard not too when I want it so bad. He and I have talked about marriage, and how we want kids so I know he wants to get married too. I've already told him what kind of ring I want, cut, clarity, color, showed him a setting I like, but I'm not sure if he has looked into any of this yet. :-/ Any ideas/advice/prospectives? I'd apreicate it. Thanks Ladies!

GreenPepperBurger · June 2010

If he doesn't, he doesn't. You can't force someone to propose to you, and if you do, you'll always know he did because you were nagging him - not because he really wanted to.

How does he respond when you talk about marriage and kids? Does he brush you off, or is an active participant in the conversation? If this is really bothering you, try and have a mature, adult talk (nothing shrill or emotional) about a timeline. When does he see getting engaged, married, etc. versus when you do?

Communication is key.

PaigeMcC · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:35672759-ddb3-491c-9503-f57e190d53f2Post:da6997c3-81c1-463b-90d1-911ff5ef5ead">What if he doesn't...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll try to make a long story short...my b/f and I have been together for 3.5 years, bought a house together at the end of 2009 and still no ring.[/QUOTE] Did you discuss marriage previous to this large purchase? Just because you have a house doesn't mean you automatcially get a ring.

[QUOTE] His brother who is 29 just proposed to his girl only after being together for a little under 2 years. Was I upset YES! [/QUOTE] You really shouldn't let other people's relationships dictate your own. Your man will propose when he's ready. Obviously this couple felt ready. Don't let their relationship affect yours.

[QUOTE] We are going on vacation in July to see my p's. They are taking us to see the Grand Canyon since he has never been. I've had this in my head that he will ask me on vaca.[/QUOTE] You're setting yourself up for failure here. If you expect it and it doesn't happen. Try to enjoy your trip and the memories your creating and stop worrying about what might or might not happen.

[QUOTE] What if he doesn't?? I'm trying so hard not to think about this, but its hard not too when I want it so bad.[/QUOTE] If he doesnt then you move on. Decide what's more important: your relationship or getting married. If it's that big of a deal then move on.

[QUOTE] He and I have talked about marriage, and how we want kids so I know he wants to get married too. [/QUOTE] I'm glad you've had these discussions. Keep going on them. I assume since you have a house together you've discussed finances, etc.

[QUOTE] I've already told him what kind of ring I want, cut, clarity, color, showed him a setting I like, but I'm not sure if he has looked into any of this yet. :-/ [/QUOTE] He'll look when he's ready. Not before. Have you discussed rings or have you just shown him what you want? I'd say sit down and have a discussion about this with him.

[QUOTE]Any ideas/advice/prospectives? I'd apreicate it. Thanks Ladies!
Posted by silver56[/QUOTE]

My advice is to sit down, like adults, and discuss the situation with your BF. You two own a house together and, from your post, I see that you've had some of the important discussions about marriage. Keep having those and if you feel ready to bring it up then chat with him about the proposal. Explain to him what you want and listen to see how he feels. He may not be ready yet, or he maybe he is ready...you won't know until you have these conversations. Talk with your BF.

musikbx · June 2010

First of all, I know it sucks. I'm in a similar boat. Boyfriend and I have discussed our future, picked the ring and a potential date/venue. He has yet to propose, but we have a trip coming up and a part of me hopes he will surprise me, though I doubt he will because it's way ahead of the timeline we've discussed.

All I can say is that he'll do it when he's ready. Asking him about it and showing him rings are unlikely to make it happen any sooner. In actuality, the more pressured he feels - the longer it will probably take him.

**Mutley** · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:35672759-ddb3-491c-9503-f57e190d53f2Post:da6997c3-81c1-463b-90d1-911ff5ef5ead">What if he doesn't...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll try to make a long story short...my b/f and I have been together for 3.5 years, bought a house together at the end of 2009 and still no ring. His brother who is 29 just proposed to his girl only after being together for a little under 2 years. Was I upset YES! We are going on vacation in July to see my p's. They are taking us to see the Grand Canyon since he has never been. I've had this in my head that he will ask me on vaca. What if he doesn't?? I'm trying so hard not to think about this, but its hard not too when I want it so bad. He and I have talked about marriage, and how we want kids so I know he wants to get married too. I've already told him what kind of ring I want, cut, clarity, color, showed him a setting I like, but I'm not sure if he has looked into any of this yet. :-/ Any ideas/advice/prospectives? I'd apreicate it. Thanks Ladies!
Posted by silver56[/QUOTE]

Only you can decide what to do if he doesn't propose.

#1 - Communicate your wants and needs with each other.
#2 - Think about where YOU want to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. Talk to him about where he wants to be.
#3 - Did you tell him what kind of ring you want or did he ask? (Very different!)
#4 - Enjoy the relationship you do have with him.
#5 - Stop comparing your relationship to others. There is no point.
#6 - If you do decide that there is a deadline by which you want to be engaged, keep it to yourself. Ultimatums have no place in a healthy relationship.

If you bought a house together, I hope that you met with a lawyer beforehand. Also, if you entered into such a serious purchase together, I am amazed that you did not explicitly talk about your timeline for marriage.

musikbx · June 2010

Edited my last post once I went all stalkery and read her other posts (I'm home sick today, too much free time on my hands is never a good thing)

To the OP, it seems like you might be a little stressed out by your brother's engagement. Before you get too far ahead of yourself in terms of planning, it's imperative that you find out if you and your boyfriend are on the same page. Sit down with him and have a calm, adult conversation about marriage, your future, and possible timelines (different than an ultimatum). While you may not like some of his answers, it is a starting point... and I'm sure you will feel a million times better once you know where you both stand.

catemeg · June 2010

Perhaps he can't afford the ring he wants to get you yet since you just spent so much on a house? Or perhaps he feels like buying a house together was a big enough commitment for the time being. I have friends who are buying a house together with the understanding that they're going to wait at least 4 years before getting married so that they can pay off some of the house first.

Regardless, you need to have a calm, open conversation with your BF. You need to let him know that you do want to marry him at some point, and want to spend your life with him. Ultimately that should be the goal - not a ring or a wedding. In his mind, buying a house might have indicated that more than a ring. You need to tell him that you don't want to pressure him, but that you'd like to have an idea where he sees your relationship in 2 years, 5 years, etc. You can talk hypotheticals - what time of year you'd both want to get married, how long of an engagement you'd want. Let him know that if he wants you to go ring shopping, he just has to let you know.

Then you have to let it go - and you have to STOP planning (based on your other posts). That's a quick way to make the guy get defensive - don't pick locations, don't set budgets, don't worry about having your wedding before/after your BF's brother. Just let it go.

Give yourself a mental timeline - 6 months is usually good, then you can bring it up again. Do not mention it before then, or he might feel like you're nagging him. And don't get your hopes up on any specific time for a proposal - a guy will do it when he's ready, and you'll be glad when he does it his own way.

rezanin · June 2010

Me and my FI have been dating for a year and four months until he purposed and I thought that was a long time to wait til my Bff and her BF my cousin got engaged after 4 almost 5 years of dating....I asked why did he finally do it and he said beacuse he realized one day, what he had to lose. Maybe thats why he'/s take so long....he's gotten comfortable in where you guys are and also with todays society "why should I have to buy the cow if I can get the milk for free," refuring to premarritale sex, guys do take longer if not never.

If you truley worried about it why not jokingly purpose to him...and go off of his resoponse?! If he gets all wierd then drop and say "I was joking" if he seems happy says "yes" or excitied then carry it further to a conversation of where you both want to be in the near future and make it blunt that you want to be married and have kids but a curtine time frame.

noelle24 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:35672759-ddb3-491c-9503-f57e190d53f2Post:00544652-de97-406b-9950-571cdd0d9d97">Re: What if he doesn't...</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I have been dating for a year and four months until he proposed and I thought that was a long time to wait until my Bff and her BF, my cousin, got engaged after 4, almost 5,years of dating....I asked why did he finally do it and he said because he realized one day what he had to lose. Maybe that'swhy he's taking so long....he's gotten comfortable in where you guys are and also with today's society "why should I have to buy the cow if I can get the milk for free,"referring to premarital sex, guys do take longer if not never. If you truly worried about it why not jokingly propose to him...and go off of his response?! If he gets all weird then drop and say "I was joking" if he seems happy says "yes" or excited then carry it further to a conversation of where you both want to be in the near future and make it blunt that you want to be married and have kids but a certain time frame.
Posted by rezanin[/QUOTE]

Ok, I'm normally not a grammar nazi, but this post made my head hurt. Rezanin, based on your horrible, horrible spelling and even WORSE suggestion, I can only assume you are 17 (and I'm being generous with that) and getting married only so you can finally have sex.

1) I really doubt guys delay proposing because of the "Cow theory". If a man (that's the key word here... man) really wants to marry you, there is absolutely *nothing* that will stop him. Nothing. Premarital sex or not.

Also, getting married just so you can have sex or finally live together is a HORRIBLE idea and a recipe for disaster. If anything, I think waiting for marriage causes a lot of young people to rush into things before they are really ready.

There's nothing wrong with waiting. You just need to make sure that you are getting married for the right reasons and that you are truly ready for all the responsibilities that marriage brings. But if you think that having sex is the only thing keeping a man from proposing, then you are delusional.

2) "Jokingly proposing" is one of the worse ideas I've ever heard on here. ADULTS should be able to have a conversation with their partners about marriage. Pretending to propose yourself is just passive aggressive and very CHILDISH.

If you can't talk about the future and timelines like a mature adult, how are you going to handle topics like kids? What are you going to do if he doesn't want to talk about kids? Are you going to jokingly say "Honey, I'm knocked up! What do you think?.... Oh, J/K!! Just wanted to see how you'd react!!"

OP, other people in this thread gave you great advice. Please ignore rezanin's advice and follow everyone else. The only thing I wonder is why you bought a house with someone without having discussed all of this marriage stuff in excruciating detail.

PaigeMcC · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:35672759-ddb3-491c-9503-f57e190d53f2Post:00544652-de97-406b-9950-571cdd0d9d97">Re: What if he doesn't...</a>:
[QUOTE]Me and my FI have been dating for a year and four months until he purposed and I thought that was a long time to wait til my Bff and her BF my cousin got engaged after 4 almost 5 years of dating....I asked why did he finally do it and he said beacuse he realized one day, what he had to lose. Maybe thats why he'/s take so long....he's gotten comfortable in where you guys are and also with todays society "why should I have to buy the cow if I can get the milk for free," refuring to premarritale sex, guys do take longer if not never. If you truley worried about it why not jokingly purpose to him...and go off of his resoponse?! If he gets all wierd then drop and say "I was joking" if he seems happy says "yes" or excitied then carry it further to a conversation of where you both want to be in the near future and make it blunt that you want to be married and have kids but a curtine time frame.
Posted by rezanin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Woah, really? REALLY?! Please, for the sake of all that is grammatically correct, spell check and form complete sentences before you post.</div><div>
</div><div>And ditto Noelle.</div>

jeanacorina · June 2010

Jokingly propose?

Wow. That is one of the most sneaky, passive-aggressive, manipulative suggestions I have EVER heard on how to start a dialog about marriage with your significant other.

Wow. Wooooow.

Narwhal · June 2010

From a psychological perspective...

Sounds like someone has daddy issues.

...lol jk wanted to see how you'd react.

catemeg · June 2010

I think the "cow" and "free milk" thing is from the 1950's, and should be put to rest. That's just ridiculous and juvenile, not to mention insulting. I don't know about you, but I'm no cow and my milk isn't sour. If you think as soon as he gets the "milk" he'll stop wanting the "cow", then what's to stop him from divorcing you as soon as he gets some? Or cheating on you to get some of that "milk"?

And you really want some man to marry you just so he can get some "milk" rather than wanting to grow old with you?

Ridiculous.....

And if that didn't make me think you were completely looney, the whole "joke proposal" thing just pushes it over the edge. Look, I'm a feminist - if you really want to get married, and you want to propose to him, then do it. But know that some guys can get put off as they would feel it was their place to do that. I read a story about a valedictorian who proposed to her boyfriend at graduation, who was salutadictorian. Apparently he loved it. If that's your relationship, then by all means propose to your boyfriend. If you think it might put him off, then just follow all the advice here and have a heart-to-heart to talk about where you each see your relationship going.

silver56 · June 2010

Thank you ladies for the helpful advice. When I bought the house with him my p's were very uncomfortable with the idea b/c we are not engaged. My mom siad "he's showing you no committment". I agreed with her a little bit, but I know he will propose when he is ready, trust me I know, but I am almost 30 and this will sound bad, but I am sick of waiting. Yes I know that probably sounds bad, but that is the way I feel. My time line is....if I am not engaged by September, then he and I wlll have a sit down talk.

As far as the house goes, yes we saw a lawyer and its is half and half so I will not get screwed if somethings should happen. We mention marriage here and there...I heard him on the phone with someone before and he said "if I feel pressured then...." So as far as looking, that is all I am dong is looking, he has no idea I am looking and have never brought up plans of a venue, a date or anything like that. I"m a girl and it's fun too look so I have an idea of what is out there and what I like.

When his bro got engaged they came over a few days later. The next day my b/f was like "i didn't even ask to see her ring, is that bad". I told him "no its the girls that are gaga to see the ring". Then he started asking all types of questions about diamonds and what clairty is all about and color...so I decided to tell him b/c I knew he was "beating around the bush". So I answered all the questions he had.

I knew he has trying to get information out of me and I went along. He knows what I want so I will chill out and see what happens.

loves2shop4shoes · June 2010

What Mutely said x 1000. Communication is key here. Maybe you should show BF this post and start the dialogue there.

betsylynn · June 2010

I can't say I've been in a similar situation (we've only been together a year and a half, no three, and we don't live together/own a house), but I do know how it feels to wonder if he'll propose. Josh's sister got engaged several months ago, and I started getting antsy. Yes, we had discussed marriage, children, etc. and I knew that he planned to marry me. But as we dated longer, I began to wonder if he would ever pop the question. Finally, one day I decided to have simple talk with him- nothing major. Just something like "when do you see us possibly getting engaged". He didn't take it offensively- I just explained that I'd like to have a general timeline, or a reasonable goal he was looking at. (Like, getting a better job or saving up some money.) He understood, and told me that within six months he would ask me. (He later shortened this to within three months of his sister's wedding.) The timeline let me stop worrying, and made sure I didn't nag/pressure him.

Another thing- Josh bought me a ring last week. Within two weeks we looked at rings, I picked a few settings I liked, he spoke to my father, etc. So it can all happen rather quickly. Just sit down and ask him. It doesn't have to be a major discussion, and just explain to him how you feel.

oceana919 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:35672759-ddb3-491c-9503-f57e190d53f2Post:00544652-de97-406b-9950-571cdd0d9d97">Re: What if he doesn't...</a>:
[QUOTE]Me and my FI have been dating for a year and four months until he purposed and I thought that was a long time to wait til my Bff and her BF my cousin got engaged after 4 almost 5 years of dating....I asked why did he finally do it and he said beacuse he realized one day, what he had to lose. Maybe thats why he'/s take so long....he's gotten comfortable in where you guys are and also with todays society "why should I have to buy the cow if I can get the milk for free," refuring to premarritale sex, guys do take longer if not never. If you truley worried about it why not jokingly purpose to him...and go off of his resoponse?! If he gets all wierd then drop and say "I was joking" if he seems happy says "yes" or excitied then carry it further to a conversation of where you both want to be in the near future and make it blunt that you want to be married and have kids but a curtine time frame.
Posted by rezanin[/QUOTE]

Ok, first of all:

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:35672759-ddb3-491c-9503-f57e190d53f2Post:00544652-de97-406b-9950-571cdd0d9d97">Re: What if he doesn't...</a>:
[QUOTE] My FI and I dated for a year and four months until he proposed. I thought that was a long time to wait, until my cousin got engaged after nearly 5 years of dating. I asked why did he finally proposed, and he said he had realized what he had to lose. Perhaps that is why he is taking so long - he's gotten comfortable in where you guys are. In today's society, due to the concept of "why buy the cow if I can get the milk for free" (in reference to premarital sex), guys take longer to propose, or choose not to altogether. If you are truly worried about it, why not jokingly propose to him? Go off of his response - if he gets all weird, then drop and say "I was joking". If he seems happy says "yes" or excited, then carry it further into a conversation of where you both want to be in the near future. Make it blunt that you want to be married and have kids within a certain time frame.
Posted by rezanin[/QUOTE]

Ah, muuuuuch better.

1) If you do not know the difference between "purpose" and "propose", you need to seriously reconsider remedial school, not a wedding chapel.

2) This:

[QUOTE]If you truley worried about it why not jokingly purpose to him...and go off of his resoponse?! If he gets all wierd then drop and say "I was joking" if he seems happy says "yes" or excitied then carry it further to a conversation of where you both want to be in the near future and make it blunt that you want to be married and have kids but a curtine time frame.[/QUOTE]

...is one of the most underhanded, immature, manipulative suggestions I have ever heard on this board. If you cannot sit down and have a serious, adult conversation about what your plans are for the future, both as an individual and as a couple, and what kind of timeline those plans fit into for the both of you, you aren't ready to be married. What happens if he's not willing to discuss children? Will you just *jokingly* get pregnant and go off his response?

3) This:

[QUOTE]he's gotten comfortable in where you guys are and also with todays society "why should I have to buy the cow if I can get the milk for free," refuring to premarritale sex, guys do take longer if not never. [/QUOTE]

...is the biggest load of antiquated crap I've ever heard. Whenever I hear people peddling this kind of ridiculous dogma to young women, it makes me want to throatpunch them.

oceana919 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_doesnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:35672759-ddb3-491c-9503-f57e190d53f2Post:da6997c3-81c1-463b-90d1-911ff5ef5ead">What if he doesn't...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll try to make a long story short...my b/f and I have been together for 3.5 years, bought a house together at the end of 2009 and still no ring.

Congratulations, you own a home together. That is a huge financial commitment, as well as a testiment to the state of your relationship. Perhaps that large of a financial commitment on his part means that the financial commitment of a ring is temporarily on hold.

His brother who is 29 just proposed to his girl only after being together for a little under 2 years. Was I upset YES!

No offense, but that's ridiculous. You were honestly upset that his brother got engaged before you? And what does the length of the relationship have to do with it? Each relationship is different, and therefore, you should not be comparing the progression of your relationship to another relationship you are not a part of. Perhaps at just under two years, they've reached the point in their relationship where they have a clear understanding of each other's wants, needs and expectations, and have reached a point in their relationship where they are prepared to commit themselves to a lifetime of marriage. I didn't realize there was a specific timeline at which this is supposed to happen.

Speaking from personal experience, my brother had been with his GF for five years when my FI proposed to me after 1.5 years together. They were both ecstatic for us. Just sayin. 

We are going on vacation in July to see my p's. They are taking us to see the Grand Canyon since he has never been. I've had this in my head that he will ask me on vaca.

For your own sanity, get it out of your head. You will only be disappointed if he doesn't propose.

What if he doesn't??

That's for you to decide. You need to decide where you see your future heading - both as an individual and as a couple - and figure out how that future fits into a timeline. You also need to sit down with your BF and have a serious, adult conversation to determine if you are both of similar mindsets. If not, you need to decide what you're willing to handle and what you're not.

I'm trying so hard not to think about this, but its hard not too when I want it so bad. He and I have talked about marriage, and how we want kids so I know he wants to get married too.

Have you talked about what kind of timeline you both want your relationship to progress on?

I've already told him what kind of ring I want, cut, clarity, color, showed him a setting I like, but I'm not sure if he has looked into any of this yet. :-/

Yes. Many girls on this board showed their FIs what kind of ring they would like, and went months, if not years, between that moment and the moment their FI's actually proposed. You need to be going into this with realistic expectations, my dear.

Any ideas/advice/prospectives? I'd apreicate it. Thanks Ladies!

1) Relax. Relax. Relax. Relax. The more you stress about this, the more that tension will carry over into your life and your relationship.
2) Sit down and have a serious, mature, adult conversation about your expectations in life - career, family, lifestyle, etc. - and on what kind of general timeline you see that life progressing. 
3) Make a serious, mature, adult decision concerning what you are willing to handle in terms of your relationship, and at what point you feel things are not moving forward anymore. Only you can make that decision for yourself.

Posted by silver56[/QUOTE]

noelle24 · June 2010

Hahaha... Eye to eye oceana, eye to eye.

silver56 · June 2010

So ladies I have talked with him about how I am feeling. The short and sweet of it is................I WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED. That is what he told me so I will sit back and get the future thoughts out of my head b/c it will only tear us apart. I appreciate all of the responses.

I feel much better hearing it from him and now I can go on vacation without worrying about what might happen.

Acrosthec · June 2010

Enjoy your vacation!

I really just wanted to say that I was very pleased to hear you saw a lawyer before purchasing your home together. So many people DON'T do this, and then they end up in quite the fix and pay the lawyers double or triple to try and get them out of the mess than they would've paid them to just get the paperwork drawn up originally. I don't harp on this soapbox on this board for nothin'.

What if he doesn't...

Re: What if he doesn't...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

What if he doesn't...

Re: What if he doesn&#039;t...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: What if he doesn't...