Not Engaged Yet

I know I'm not patient...

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Re: I know I'm not patient...

  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-patient?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3df0ce50-2568-442b-bc2d-6b68a0ed0aaaPost:64c230f5-f609-41ce-8866-81759a23e679">Re: I know I'm not patient...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You need to talk to him. Really talk, no screaming, no emotions all talk. You are vastly different pages, and you. as half of the relationship, also deserve to have your needs met. A marriage is not all about the wedding. Best of luck.
    Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

    THIS.

    You two sound like you have very different expectations. For example, the street bike thing? You may hate it, but he may love it. Ignore the money part of that, but can you accept him riding street bikes? Or are you going to expect him to give them up if you two stay together?

    Also, you obviously really want to get married and see that as the next step. I'm not disagreeing with you about your feelings towards that, but it strikes me that he feels differently about marriage being your next step.

    My advice would be to re-evaluate your relationship together. That doesn't mean you have to break up or anything, but it does mean seriously looking at your values and what kind of compromises you can make.

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-patient?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3df0ce50-2568-442b-bc2d-6b68a0ed0aaaPost:c9550b1b-5f9b-4765-8480-eeb5e48fc303">Re: I know I'm not patient...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow that's horrible... I know its more than just a name change. I don't want to sound like thats all I want from getting married.<strong> Its way more than just tha</strong>t, I know.
    Posted by alisham07[/QUOTE]

    So what do you think will change in your relationship and in your family's dynamic once you are married? Because I think that the point of getting married is having a solid relationship that won't change the day after the wedding. I mean, of course over time your relationship will change and grow as each of you change and grow individually, but you can't expect everything to be "perfect" the day after the wedding. Your relationship should feel perfect before you get married.

    Please listen to the PPs and work on your communication skills. Also see counselors-- they are trained to help you find solutions and to assist you in communicating to eachother.
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Also, I have to say it too, but I don't understand why you went out and bought a bunch of wedding stuff. I mean, it's great if he likes it, but you two aren't engaged or planning a wedding. So to me, that seems like an irresponsible purchase as well, like his bike even though it was probably cheaper.

    Talking to him is definitely a step in the right direction. But it sounds like you two do have communication problems: 1) you said he doesn't want to talk to you about it. well that isn't good but 2) you said that he doesn't want to talk to you about it because you get emotional and upset. Well, I can't really blame someone for not wanting to talk to their GF who keeps nagging them about getting married and getting upset about it.

    He  may want to marry you...someday. But that day might not be now. If that's his answer, what will your reaction be? Because I don't see anything wrong with him feeling that way.

  • MidniteRaeMidniteRae member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-patient?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3df0ce50-2568-442b-bc2d-6b68a0ed0aaaPost:3a8eacec-74a4-4534-ad19-1f392fbf668e">Re: I know I'm not patient...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know I'm not patient... :<strong><em><font color="#800000"> Bazinga.</font></em></strong>  Cate is wise.  Please listen to her.
    Posted by purplepeopleeater11[/QUOTE]

    I heart you for saying that.
    "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." -Ray Bradbury 
  • edited December 2011
    I vote that you sit down and have a full-blown adult conversation about everything. You both need to discuss where you see yourselves and relationship now, in 5 years etc. The best advice to listen to PP! They are wise and offer good advice. My advice is to talk to him about your future!

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-patient?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3df0ce50-2568-442b-bc2d-6b68a0ed0aaaPost:df23bc09-bbfc-471e-a496-54a86e6cffd8">Re: I know I'm not patient...</a>:
    [QUOTE]So while at a wedding a month ago, I was ironing the groomsman shirts with my best friends husband (he was helping out not the groom or groomsman) and he offered me some sound advice.  I had jokingly made a comment about a giant diamond ring, and he said you know I know you don't want to hear this but if you make comments like that around your BF your never going to get what you want.  And i said, oh you know I am just joking, and he said well yes i know as your friend that you are joking, but to your BF he wants to give you everything that makes you happy and if he knows he can't give you all of that then he will never propose, he will never do what you want to do because he will feel consistently beaten down by your expectations.  He said alot of his guy friends feel this way, the girl wants this glamourous wedding or a giant ring and they just can't afford it. So maybe, your pressure about the money, has made him feel like he can't provide what you want or are expecting, which makes him avoid the subject all together.  <strong>Men are so much more rational and literal then we are. </strong> We talk to them like our girlfriends, us girls know you fantasize about your wedding but truly you would marry him in a poncho on top of a goat field if you could- whereas a man hears "she wants big expensive things". 
    Posted by Roo726[/QUOTE]

    Not true, and I hate it with a blind passion when someone says that crap.

    As for the OP, as everyone else has said you may have to make peace with the fact that he may not ever want to marry you. Be with you, perhaps, but it doesn't sound like he wants to take the plunge any time soon.

    I also agree with Noelle. There seems to be HUGE communication issues here. Buying a $5k bike was a pretty big strike when he claims to be worried about money, but that he threw your legitimate question back at you and claimed it was YOUR fault he hadn't proposed (because you "get too upset"), and then completely shut down the entire conversation when you did try to talk to him?

    <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/1/11/d121f59f-d52e-4266-bb37-360618a7838a.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/1/11/d121f59f-d52e-4266-bb37-360618a7838a.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

    I'm sorry, but that is just bad news all around. If he shuts it down again, I'd say you know your answer, and it's not a good one.

    image
  • Roo726Roo726 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-patient?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3df0ce50-2568-442b-bc2d-6b68a0ed0aaaPost:70aea229-e51d-4cc6-94bc-8f085e79f2a7">Re: I know I'm not patient...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know I'm not patient... : Not true, and I hate it with a blind passion when someone says that crap. As for the OP, as everyone else has said you may have to make peace with the fact that he may not ever want to marry you. Be with you, perhaps, but it doesn't sound like he wants to take the plunge any time soon. I also agree with Noelle. There seems to me HUGE communication issues here. Buying at $5k bike was a pretty big strike when he claims to be worried about money, but that he threw your legitimate question back at you and claimed it was YOUR fault he hadn't proposed (because you "get too upset"), and then completely shut down the entire conversation when you did try to talk to him? I'm sorry, but that is just bad news all around. If he shuts it down again, I'd say you know your answer, and it's not a good one.
    Posted by zipis1[/QUOTE]

    So, the guy who said this to me is a complete liar? I will go ahead and make him aware of that.  Anyways.... Men do have an <p style="margin:0in 0in 0pt;" class="MsoNormal"><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><font face="Calibri">Instinctual habit of providing for their families and women (not EVERYONE but alot) and some do get beaten down if they feel they can't be up to par with what the woman expects.  That is not at all FALSE.</font></font></font></p>
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  • edited December 2011
    What I was disagreeing with is that you said men are more rational and logical than women, hence the bolded print. No, they are not, and any man who would say that to me would promptly get the finger for being so sexist.

    Women are not giant balls of irrational hormones, and are often much more logical than men.

    image
  • Roo726Roo726 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-patient?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3df0ce50-2568-442b-bc2d-6b68a0ed0aaaPost:a4d26eac-3ef9-4398-8610-02e4e012315d">Re: I know I'm not patient...</a>:
    [QUOTE]What I was disagreeing with is that you said men are more rational and logical than women, hence the bolded print. No, they are not, and any man who would say that to me would promptly get the finger for being so sexist. Women are not giant balls of irrational hormones, and are often much more logical than men.
    Posted by zipis1[/QUOTE]

    oh- i didn't see the bold.  Just because I said they are more rational or literal, doesn't mean i think women are the complete opposite.  I do however know we can be more complicated, and we generally do have a harder time of just saying "i want this." or being straight forward with our true intentions. And you are correct that we are sometimes more logical, but i think men just want to scream "what do you want" at the majority of us.  I am both, sometimes I am direct, other times not so direct.  I am not a big pile of hormonal mush though.
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  • edited December 2011
    The same can be said for men as they play their own games, as can actually be seen in this very OP.

    The key words here is that women CAN be more or less rational, logical, or complicated, as can men. Neither more or less than the other. By their very nature of being human, not by the nature of having a penis or vagina.

    image
  • edited December 2011
    I was with my ex five years,  I wanted the next step, marriage and kids. It wasnt for him I kinda gave him an ultimatum, marry me or I leave. He didnt want to , he didnt think I was really going to leave so I left/moved out
    Then he wanted to marry me. But I refuesed to go back. Im not about to give ultimatums every time I wanted something that he didnt. He just didnt want to get married or have kids, we fought about it alot and I just couldnt be with someone who didnt want the same things as me.

    So four years later, Im in love with the right guy and getting married . . . then kids a lil later down the road.
    You gotta do what makes you happy too
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  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Alisha, let me repeat my advice from your earlier thread:

    Your guy needs to KNOW by your ACTIONS and not just what you say that you love him and want to build a future together and that you wanting to marry him is not about a piece of paper or a big party. It's about making that commitment to each other.
    By buying wedding stuff before he's proposed, you MAY be sending him the message that you care more about the party. You may also be making him feel pressured. You need to stop behaving in a passive-aggressive way and TALK TO HIM.

    By the same token, you need to carefully observe HIS actions and make sure they're indicating that he's on the same page.
    His behavior is not showing financial responsibility, nor is it demonstrating that marriage is important to him. TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. Don't let him get away with it. The longer you wait, the more confused he will be that you didn't bring it up sooner.

    Sometimes couples are together for so long that I think it almost becomes "What's the point? We're practically married already."

    But I'm a believer that ceremonies still have power and it's okay to still want that!

    Again, you guys need to sit down and have an open, honest CONVERSATION. It doesn't have to be a confrontation. Don't make accusations. Ask questions. Let him know you feel it's best to see where you're both at. Honestly, he can SAY all day long that he WANTS to marry you, but actions speak louder than words. If he ACTUALLY wanted to marry, don't you think he'd ACT like he does? As in, propose? and not spend money on things for himself?

    You need to seriously evaluate, girl. It sounds like he might just not be ready.

    Is it possible that because you guys had a kid so young that he feels like he's missing part of his own youth? Maybe he needs to be on his own for a while before he's ready to settle down. And that might be with someone other than you.

    I think you need to start facing reality.

    I'm sorry. I don't mean that in a bitchy way.

    But in the long run, you will be happier if you're honest with yourself and with him. Don't believe what you want to believe b/c it seems easier or less painful. Look at your reality and how he behaves. Does he behave like someone who WANTS, desperately and wholeheartedly to marry you? Because you deserve that, hon.

    Good luck, and please continue to keep us updated. *hugs*
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  • edited December 2011
    I think you're being TOO patient. "Wait till the end of summer" he says, and you did. And I'm sure he hasn't thought about it since then, he was just trying to put it off.
    You owe it to yourself to know where your relationship stands, and you need to tell him that when you talk to him. As the PP's said, be rational about it, not busrting into a yelling match, or crying, or leaving it unresolved.
    To me, dropping 5K on something is kind of a huge deal in general. It was something just for him. Not to say that all of us don't deserve a little treat now and then, but that's a pretty big selfish purchase. It does sound like he's being rebellious or trying to fit back into youth. And it's not going to stop there. He'll want to accessorize and work on it, etc. That's less time spent with your son.

    Now, as Hetshup said, getting married doesn't make it all better. This alone is something that needs to be talked about before you become a married couple. Finances are a huge deal, and a huge contributor to the current divorce rate. Also, communication in general. If he shuts off or you can't bring things up to him, you are both in for a bumpy road.
    For now, I would try to rationally bring up this issue. You can't just stay walking on eggshells. You are planning out your life with him, and if he's not willing to do the same, you need to know that now so you don't keep feeling this way.
    Once again, "saying" he wants to marry you all the time is just saying it. And saying "I'm worried about money" is beating around the real issue. You say you don't care how it happens, but does HE know that?
    Gather your thoughts, write them down if you need to, and have an adult conversation with this man. And KNOW that it may end up being what you want, and it may not. It WILL be okay either way, but you need to fix these issues now.

    Know that everyone here is being whole heartedly honest and direct with you, not snarky, not rude. It's very honest advice. And know that you are not alone, these girls are wonderful and we are here for you if you need us to be.
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  • LadyMadrid08LadyMadrid08 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree that you are being too patient.  You two are also lacking communication skills.  I think it's completely rational to be upset with him using money as an excuse for not getting married and then he goes out and buys a 5K motorbike.  Not cool.  

    When he says he doesn't want to talk about it I think you should say it's fine if he doesn't want to talk about it right this second, but give him a time frame.  Ask him to think about it and set a time THIS WEEK that works for him.  Then sit down and have a rational conversation about it.  If he says he's not ready to get married yet there is nothing you can do about it.  The ball is then in your court and you have to decide if you'll be happy living together unmarried or if you need marriage to be happy.  

    I'm sorry you're having this frustration.  I hope you take the PPs advice (not about trying to force him to marry you for legal reasons...the other ones) and work on communication with him.  GL
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  • alisham07alisham07 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well I spoke with him last night and he seemed very happy that I brought it up. And seeing as though he has been miserable from getting his wisdom teeth out two days ago it said a lot to me. He said the reason he was so mad before was that he was trying to plan a proposal and with me trying to get it out of him it got him so frustrated. He told me he has been thinking about marriage a lot lately but didn't want me to flip out and ruin his surprise. But he added that he does want us to get married next year. I just didn't understand our last argument because we work so well together with everything else in our relationship it just didn't make sense.

     He has always been into dirt bikes and motorcycles but i that was still no reason to go out and buy one. At least the only person he rides with is his dad though. We have always kept money separate between us because I believe it is easier on a couple to keep it separate. I pay my bills he pays his and if we need help we ask each other. We like it that way. He does know buying his bike without even telling me was beyond stupid and apologised for that as well. He did confide in me when he got his truck after his car died atleast.

    I also need to add that he is a great father, especially for someone his age. He goes above and beyond for our son. Him and I have grown together and have been through a lot. I was very hurt by the fact he didn't want to marry me but it turned out to be an over reaction on my end. Thank you all for your words of advise, it really helped me out.
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