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Moms and Maids
alndudle
member
Momzilla!
I was waiting for it, and it finally happened: Mom used the dreaded words, "Well, I"m the one paying for it!" We were discussing the guest list. Our venue only holds 350, we were hoping to keep it "small" at 250 (we both have large families, and kids are invited) and right now our list is at 340 (hoping and praying that our handful of single friends don't bring a "plus one"). My parents have generously offered to pay for the food for the wedding... his parents are not financially able to help, and we are paying for everything else. Does she still get to dictate who gets invited, and how many we invite?
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Re: Momzilla!
She who pay, says
[QUOTE]I was waiting for it, and it finally happened: Mom used the dreaded words, "Well, I"m the one paying for it!" We were discussing the guest list. Our venue only holds 350, we were hoping to keep it "small" at 250 (we both have large families, and kids are invited) and right now our list is at 340 (hoping and praying that our handful of single friends don't bring a "plus one"). My parents have generously offered to pay for the food for the wedding... his parents are not financially able to help, and we are paying for everything else. Does she still get to dictate who gets invited, and how many we invite?
Posted by alndudle[/QUOTE]
Pretty much, unless you want to compromise on helping her pay with any "extras" that you/your FI may want. But yes, since she is helping pay she gets the final say on how many guests are invited. If she can only budget for 250 then compromises must be made, be it you pay for certain people you want, etc. That is the risk of having someone help you pay for your wedding, if you want control of who is and is not invited then you have pay for it yourselves. Money=strings aka power so be prepared for mom to throw the "I'm paying card" out when you two are disagreeing on things like the guest list.
[QUOTE]I was waiting for it, and it finally happened: Mom used the dreaded words, "Well, I"m the one paying for it!" We were discussing the guest list. Our venue only holds 350, we were hoping to keep it "small" at 250 (we both have large families, and kids are invited) and right now our list is at 340 (hoping and praying that our handful of single friends don't bring a "plus one"). My parents have generously offered to pay for the food for the wedding... his parents are not financially able to help, and we are paying for everything else. Does she still get to dictate who gets invited, and how many we invite?
Posted by alndudle[/QUOTE]
I'm not saying that your mom should have full control because it is yours & FIs wedding, not hers. But you won't find anyone on these boards that won't tell you the same thing, sorry.
I'm MOB and my exH & I paid for the entire wedding, ex rings and HM. The only requests we made was that the invitations be formal, refecting the formality of the wedding and that we would like them to have a band, not a DJ. We discussed everything along the way but it was their call, bottom line.
GL
[QUOTE]You people are absolutely no help whatsoever.
Posted by alndudle[/QUOTE]
Help is just agreeing with you? Not going to happen here.
You asked, we answered
So you want it smaller and more intimate and mom wants a bigger show, right?
How's the guest list split up?
Generally, the B&G get 1/3, Grooms parents 1/3 and Bride parents 1/3, that seems fair, right?
Is there a dispute about who gets the number of guests?
Unfortunately, if she is paying for the food, that gives her plenty of leverage with the guest list. Tell her you will pay for your own guests and see what happens.
And if you knew she was going to take control and be a pain in the first place why would you agree to accept her money? We're paying for our own wedding because I don't want to deal with my family pulling that crap.
The way it is now, 80 are his family, 10 are my friends and his friends combined, 150 are my family, and the rest are mom's friends that we "have" to invite.This is the third time we've discussed the guest list and attempted to cut it back down.
"I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.
A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
[QUOTE]Since she's so concerned over the financing, I think I'm going to spin it in such a way that she'll see my side of things. Hopefully she'll see that fewer guests means more money she gets to keep.
Posted by alndudle[/QUOTE]
Try it ONCE, then stop pressing the point. If she's willing to pay for them, you need to let it go. There are a lot of worse things in life than your parents and ILs wanting to spend gobs of money on you and your FI so that as many people as possible can share it. Consider this one of the good problems in life. <div>
</div><div>If you were paying and they were pulling this, I'd totally have your back. Or if one side was paying and the other was trying to foist an extra 100 guests. You'd be totally justified in being upset in either situation. But in <strong>this</strong> situation, you need to either accept the strings that come with the money or decline it altogether. I don't know how many times you need to be told this before it sinks in.</div>
"I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.
A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
I fully appreciate being in school and unable to afford a full-out wedding, but the only things two consenting adults really need to get married are a marriage license and whatever combination of officiants and witnesses is required by their state or county. Everything else is extra.
This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
$amount Mom puts up + $amount you can afford = $amount you have available to spend.
$amount to spend (divided by) $amount per head = number of people you can invite.
Adjust budget or guest list accordingly.
If you have $10,000 to spend at $100 per head, then you can invite 100 people. (Just an example.)
Put it all in black and white and show her. Either she ponies up, you pony up, or the list gets cut. She may have no clue exactly what things cost or how quickly it adds up.
If it's being treated as a loan, explain that while you appreciate that she is paying for the wedding, you don't want to have to pay her back for 100 extra people, plus any costs associated with changing the venue if it has to come to that.
Also keep in mind that not all 340 people will come; while you need to be prepared for that many guests, it is very unlikely that everyone will RSVP "yes." As long as you don't invite more than the venue can hold, you should be fine where the venue is concerned. If you don't need to pay your mother back for those people, it's probably best to just let it go and say, "The more the merrier." It's not like 240 people is a small, intimate gathering in the first place, an extra 100 probably won't hurt in terms of comfort and how much you enjoy the event.
I think you and your mother need to sit down and look at the hard costs like PPs have said. When it's in black and white it's hard to deny the extra amount those 100 people are going to cost your mother. But, if she's willing to pay for it, then you can't stop her.
But if she's simply paying for it...then that's tough luck. My parents are doing the same thing too. I've got UNCLES inviting THEIR cousins to our reception. Is it ridiculous? Yes. Is it my mom's problem? Yes. They're paying for it, and it's her siblings doing this, so SHE gets to handle all that. I might have to be introduced to like 20 people at the reception, but oh well.
Hawaii with my best friend