I posted this as a status this morning on facebook, and was very interested in all the opinions that it stirred up!. :-)
Me
Dear friends who are getting married (or ever might),
Please do not include information about where you are registered with your wedding invitation. It does not seem very polite to request or imply that people should be bringing gifts to your wedding.
Love, Me
5 hours ago · · Like ·
E and L like this.
K I wish I could have sent this when all my friends were in the "getting married" phase! So glad SOMEONE finally said it! It could at least be phrased better, such as, "should you wish to graciously bring a gift, practical recommendations may be found at", that way they don't get five waflemakers (I got three and regifted all of them).
5 hours ago · Like · 1 person
Me: Or, you'd hope that most people in this internet age are capable of looking up someone on the internet...(but unfortunately people don't seem to think of that...)
5 hours ago · Like · 2 people
R: Well.... They are paying for you.... Its proper to give a gift... Unless you arent financially able....
5 hours ago · Like · 2 people
Me yes, it is proper to give a gift. But it is rude to ask for one.
5 hours ago · Like
R: It is.... I agree.. But how are you suppose to know where they are registered?
5 hours ago · Like · 1 person
N: wedding registries are amazing (and knowing with the invitation is also super handy). i HATE having to buy gifts for people without one, becaue I know that they are going to get 100 things they don't need and not get 100 things they do. i am pro registery in the invite (only for weddings though) just sayin
5 hours ago · Like · 4 people
Me: you can ask them, look their names up on the internet, or assume that they are registered at BB&B like everyone is.
5 hours ago · Like
Me: or, if someone is throwing them a shower, then you can find out from the shower invitation, since giving gifts is the purpose of a shower.
4 hours ago · Like
L: Put it in the Shower invite... as the intent of the event is to give gifts. The intent of the wedding is not gifts it should not be in there, I'm so turned off when invitation implies "come to my wedding, buy me gifts" instead of "come to my wedding, celebrate god's love "
4 hours ago · Like · 2 people
A:I did like you and followed Miss Manners. But I really don't think it matters. Some people, with the intention of being helpful, choose to follow our new cultural standard. I don't see much wrong in that. Something like, "the couple is requesting gifts in the form of cash" is pretty off-putting.
4 hours ago · Like
Me: interesting point. I wonder at what point a "new cultural standard" (eg, "since so many people are doing it,") at what point does that change "etiquette"?
4 hours ago · Like
L: I would say the "new cultural standard" of a wedding is more about gifts and pageantry then anything else
4 hours ago · Like
E: haven't weddings always been about gifts and pageantry throughout history and across cultures though? It's not necessarily a bad thing either -- it's celebratory, a chance for friends and family to show how much they value the couple and the event. It's also customary in a lot of cultures for guests to present cash &/or jewelry as wedding gifts instead of other goods
4 hours ago · Like
H: I don't find it rude, but very helpful to know what the couple needs. But in this day and age, you now have a wedding website that gives all details..including information on the registry. It is annoying though to have a ton of people email you for information where you are registered, so I found the website so helpful.
4 hours ago · Like
A: Should remember too that at this point many brides go on auto pilot, and aren't checking etiquette books on every detail. They just do what they know. And with things like this, that seems reasonable. If you DO happen to check it out though (and I don't think you're obligated too) I am all for following older conventions, generally speaking.
4 hours ago · Like
J: I like when couples include a link to their wedding site on the invite. Guests can find all the registry information from the site. It's the best of both worlds - simple for them, polite for you.
3 hours ago · Unlike · 1 person
A: What a preposterous status, M. Seriously.
3 hours ago · Like
y:i like weddings where, @ the reception, everybody plays "pin some money on the bride." way funner than garter removal (wtf is up w/ that, anyway) and it is more appreciated by the bride..
2 hours ago · Like
Me: y- seriously? Are the guests blindfolded? If so, couldn't that make for some extremely awkward personal contact... :-o
2 hours ago · Like · 1 person
Me: A- really? which part exactly? :-)
2 hours ago · Like
J: Everyone should just give cash. Seriously. It would make things far less complicated. Plus, that way people can't re-gift things.
about an hour ago · Like
A: It has become custom, at the very least, to include where you are registered. It's helpful to your guests who do want to buy a gift. And I think that if a friend or loved one is going to spend upwards of $50 a plate on your meal, probably pay for some or all of your drinks, provide a band or dj for you enjoyment, and rent out a hall for you to party in, that simply seeing where they are registered at should not be all that offensive.
about an hour ago · Like
Me: but A, that's exactly where the problem is. A wedding gift should NOT be "admission" to the wedding. It should be a gift freely given, and not with the "hint" that it is expected--which is what happens when anything about gifts is even m...
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about an hour ago · Like
M:e And I don't agree that it has become a "custom" -YET- to include this information. I think that still just slightly less than half of invitations that I see don't contain it.
about an hour ago · Like
A: Have you been to a wedding where you get your seat when you turn in your gift? Because I haven't. I've never seen any implication that a gift is required, only that if you do want to bring a gift, there's some cool stuff "here" that we could use. To be honest, I can't remember if we put it on our invitations or not, I think not. There were plenty of people who came to my wedding who didn't give money or a gift, and that's okay. They didn't get a thank you card.
I just don't see why including the place of wedding registry should be offensive or insinuate that a person is only welcome with a gift. Now, how would this status make any of your friends who did include it on their invitation feel?
about an hour ago · Like
C: Um...shoot. I'm pretty sure I included that in my invitation. Oh well. You do have BB&B and Target and whoever else pushing those little "The Happy Couple is Registered At..." cards on you to put in the invitations, so that certainly gives brides the impression that this is standard practice. Sure, they're totally in it for the money, but the fact remains.
about an hour ago · Like
Me: Imagine if you went to something at which gifts *aren't* quite expected, like maybe someone's 25th wedding anniversary party, and there was a note with the invitation that said, "btw, the couple has listed all of the things that you may bring as gifts on such-and-such website." I would think that was SO RUDE that they were telling me to bring a gift! I don't see how wedding invitations are much different. Other than, yes, thanks to those obnoxious cards, more people are including it! (however, I did notice that when BB&B gave me the cards, they said, "and you can include these with the SHOWER INVITATIONS," emphasis added.) :-)
about an hour ago · Like
A: I mean I guess if it was a hard sell like that, I could see the point. But I just think it's more helpful than harmful. That's all.
about an hour ago · Like
Me: (oh, and for the record, while I am sorry if this makes anyone "feel bad," by my pointing this out, I can't really do anything about past etiquette breaches, but my point in posting this is to try and prevent future ones!)
about an hour ago · Like
A: It's a situation where, if you assume the bride is trying to be helpful, you're probably right, and if you assume the bride's implying something rude, then you're probably wrong, so why on earth would you choose to assume the latter? Which is why I think the only fair position is to be MOSTLY neutral. I do still have a slight opinion on the subject.
about an hour ago · Unlike · 1 person
J: Gurl, you crazy!! ; )
about an hour ago · Unlike · 1 person
J: If there's any sense of a gift being obligatory, it's attached to going to the reception, not the actual ceremony. The wedding itself has nothing to do with the gifts, but I would say that the cultural norm is and has been to bring gifts to the reception. In a way, I feel like it is a breach of etiquette to go to a reception without bringing at least a token gift. It is one of the purposes of the reception.
Including a link to a wedding website that has registry information on it is still an indirect way of soliciting gifts. In fact, registering itself could be seen as an impolite presumption that people -- lots of people -- will be buying gifts. Not only that, registries are a way of dictating which gifts a couple is happy to receive: "Since we know you will be buying me a gift, this is what we want." That would be quite rude, except that people should be bringing gifts, and not just any gifts, but gifts that are useful for building a home and family with. There are certainly more or less tactful ways of conveying registry information:
46 minutes ago · Like
J: "You'd better bring gifts. Buy them here." in bold letters at the top of the invitation. Or. . .
A small footnote which says, "Registered at Wedding Gifts, Inc." Or. . .
"Please visit our wedding website: wearegettingmarried.com"
41 minutes ago · Like
Me: agreed, J. However, the problem in our society now is that most people do live on their own for at least a couple years prior to getting married, so you can't just buy them a toaster, cuz they probably already have one! Hence, I wish that more people just gave money. :-)
31 minutes ago · Like
Je: ...we want to know where folks are registered so we CAN bring a gift
)
17 minutes ago · Like
Me: (see allllll the comments above discussing really easy ways to find out that information, including websites, shower invitations, and just typing their names into a search engine online.)
15 minutes ago · Like
A: M, your comment about not being able to just buy someone a toaster makes the point of why a registry is helpful! It helps ensure that people get useful gifts.
14 minutes ago · Like
Me: yes, I know! I don't have a problem with registries! I only have a problem with the distribution of that information!
13 minutes ago · Like
J: You could just register for gift cards. . . but otherwise, yeah, there's just no good way to encourage people to give money instead. Perhaps you could just include your PayPal ID. Or would that be too tacky. . .
12 minutes ago · Like · 1 person
A: hahaha! Why is expecting money less rude?
11 minutes ago · Like
Me: prefering does not equal expecting...
10 minutes ago · Like
Me: and lol about the paypal ID... I think if I saw that, I would think it was so ridiculous that I just might buy them a totally useless gift with their monogram on it so they couldn't even return it! ;-)
9 minutes ago · Like
A: Not to mention, many people can't/don't make it to a shower because they are out of town but still want to get a gift (which it seems we have established that it is proper to do when attending a reception) and don't want to bother the bride and groom to do it. Also, some people are old and don't know how a computer-thingy works.
I didn't even want to send out paper invitations to my wedding. I wanted to do it all online, but KT's fam said they had too many people that would have a hard time (plus I think she wanted to send out pretty little pieces of paper for everyone to see how lovely our wedding was going to be
)
The bottom line is that it's probably better to accommodate the people that use the registry and find it helpful on an invitation than it is to accommodate those that find it a bother. They can still always bring money!
7 minutes ago · Like
A: Or a monogrammed gift! Lol.
6 minutes ago · Like