Will he ever marry her?

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

Good afternoon ladies!

So I have a question and this is all about my friend because she asks/talks about this all the time but as much as I try to just be honest with her - I'm not sure what the answer is. If this was your friends situation or your own --- what would you do/think?

Relationship just hit 6 year mark about 2 months ago. She is 27, he is 32. He has owned his own home for years she has been living with her parents but working/going to school the whole time. She is close with his family - he is semi-close with hers.

They've basically lived together for the last few years but he officially said, "okay you can move in" around the beginning of the year. He told her a while back that they would have to live together first (about 4 years into the relationship) so that he could be sure that they would mesh well together. I thought that was mildly weird but to each their own. Problem is - she cannot or will not bring up marriage to him in any real form. They can't sit down and talk about it because she is afraid if she asks him what's going on, he's going to tell her something she doesn't want to hear.

That is strange to me. Her BF constantly postpones things - says he could never get married until he was 30 because he promised his mom; the "trial period" when you've already basically lived together for years. Now, as friends have gotten divorced or separated he makes it a point to tell her, "see this is why I don't want to get married - they have some messy divorce in the end." His mom and stepdad have been married for almost 25 years so he has seen a marriage work even if it wasn't his mom and his "real" dad.

She gets upset, in an obvious way, when those around her get engaged or move in with someone at a much quicker pace. She says she would be okay never getting married because they are "going to spend their lives together either way" but she always says something to me about wanting to get married and having her wedding day ect.... Clearly it is something she wants (he knows this) and children too - which he is iffy on but it has been mentioned in passing.

I am beginning to feel sorry and get annoyed with her because she just will not talk to him but she will bitch to everyone else. So will he ever marry her in your opinion? Is he just not that into her? Should she just keep waiting it out. I don't know what to tell her anymore and I'd love someone else to tell me what they think about her situation.

TIA

heyimbren · July 2010

it honestly sounds to me like he doesn't want to get married, for whatever reason he may have. it sucks, but that's what my impression is based off the information you gave.

as to her sticking it out or not: that's up to her. she can't force him to get married, so i guess it's either common law or moving on.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

This really reads to me like he is not ready to get married. I don't know if it's just right now or if he doesn't want to get married ever.

I'd be annoyed too. She needs to sit down and talk to him. Either figure out what's going on or move on. Sorry I can't be more help.

Acrosthec · July 2010

This reads as if he doesn't want to get married, at least not right now. The myriad of continuing excuses he comes up with just further confirms this thought in my head.

However, the root of the problem from what you've given us is in the communication of their relationship in general. She doesn't feel comfortable talking to him about important issues. If I were in a relationship with someone that didn't feel comfortable talking to me about important stuff, I wouldn't feel ready to marry this person either.

ekathleen684 · July 2010

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he wants to get married.

I think she needs to talk to him and ask herself these questions:
Am I ok with the relationship staying just as it is?
Am I ok with not getting married?
Am I ok with not having children?

There is nothing you can really do, she'll have to decide on her own. If she answers yes to the ?? above then GREAT! If not, she should probably move on to someone who has the same life goals as her.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

I think you are all correct. It is absolutely driving me up the wall. She was my MOH for my 1st wedding (ahhh 4 months lovely) and she's a bridesmaid in this one. When she is involved things get done but it's feels its as if she's doing it for HER.

However shy you may be (she isn't a social butterfly by any means) but after 6 years if you can't legitimately sit down and have a serious "talk" about where you're headed and when then I think you're never getting married.

I really just want to scream at her: "Look he's just not that into you" If he knows that it's so important to her (which I believe he does) but you still can't even figure out a basic TIMELINE there's a problem. I know her and she will stick this out. She's been saying for 2 years that he had until ___ to propose or she was out. I know she loves him very much but in a lot of ways I don't think he loves her the same way.

I hate to say that because it breaks my heart.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

If he is dragging his feet about getting engaged/married and "iffy" on having children, then this can be potentially troublesome. Your friend should have had this discussion at length before things turned super serious and she moved in with him. I don't know whether or not he will propose to her (I'm not in his head), but they sure as heck don't sound like they are on the same page, and that's upsetting.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

EKath - she would repond yes outwardly to all of those questions but I know her well enough to know inside she will be dying because that's nothing of what she wants.

Ugh. I'm annoyed with her and with him. lol.

hetshup · July 2010

Why don't you let her deal with that and you stay out of the drama?

There's a thought.

bethsmiles · July 2010

She needs to talk to him. Its as simple as that she will never know where he stands in their relationship if she doesn't. To me it doesn't sound like he wants to get married and if that is the case then she needs to decide if she can be happy just living with him (which is fine a lot of couples don't get married yet have just as stable and committed relationship) or if getting married is a non-negotiable for her (which is also fine but she would have to move on from this relationship.)

But really we can't give too much advice unless she talks to him.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

GreenPepper - you are exactly right. They aren't on the same page, the same chapter or possibly even on the same book.

I feel like I'm in 1st grade and they are putting us in those "reading groups" by color. She is the red group - reads faster, more involved; he's in the yellow group - slower reader, maybe has a learning disability or simply doesn't care about reading anything.

I just feel like I am going to have a break with her soon.... it's beyond irritating.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

No drama really Hetsup,

Just a question that I posed because I wondered what others thought. When I have to talk to her every day and this convo comes up, I never know what to tell her. At least not anymore.

I probably won't tell her any of this besides that she needs to have a serious talk - I don't want one of my best friends miserable all the time.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

Oh boy...my cousin is in a relationship like this. It's far worse than this one because he cheats on her and hits her, but that's a side issue. She's been with her BF for over 7 years and living with him for 4 and he says "I'm too young to get married" (they're both 27), "I have to get my career together" or some other excuse.

I think she's realized that he'll never marry her and she's started to say "I don't want to get married/have kids", which I know she's only saying because she WON'T have them with HIM.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he wants to get married, at least not for a LONG time (read: probably around her egg expiration date). If that's the case, he should be fair to her, grow a sack, and tell her so. She hasn't communicated with him because she's afraid of his answer...which means that she would likely feel the need to leave him if he explicitly said "I do not want to get married". If she did not see this as a deal breaker, rest assured that she would have brought this up in conversation a long time ago.

Honestly, I think she needs to have the conversation with him. If he refuses to discuss it, she should leave him. If he says he doesn't want to get married or continues to drag his feet, she needs to decide if it is a deal breaker for her (which I'd bet it is) and act accordingly.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

Love2shop,

You always have the best things to say. I

you. I'm so sorry for your cousin - she needs out of that relationship in a bad way. I have been there done that and married it too. I would encourage her to grow a pair herself and get out now. Why would you want to stay (I know there's tons of reasons why people do).

I agree that he doesn't want to get married period (honestly) but that he is entertaining her for now just to tide her over. I just talked to her about an hour ago and I mentioned wedding dress shopping. She got completely thrilled and wanted to go. That is wonderful, I just know she will be trying on dresses too and it makes me sad

I don't want her heartbroken but in the end she needs to grow up and have a grown-up discussion even if it's not what she wants to hear.

desertsun · July 2010

Be wary of enabling her. Good friends share their opinions in a thoughtful and nonconfrontational and non-critical way. If you can't trust your friends to give you honest advice, what good are they? Sometimes you NEED someone to tell you the things you don't want to hear.

I speak from experience here. My best friend and I have grown distant over the last year b/c I let her know I thought she was perpetuating an unhealthy relationship situation and she should get out. She didn't like it very much and doesn't keep in touch very well any more. It's definitely hard. But it was the right thing to do.

shihtzulover1 · July 2010

i really think that she really needs to talk to hiim about it. At least they will be on the same page that way. Otherwise, she may never get what she wants, and without talking to him about it, she may never know his side of things.

If he does not want to get married, or wants to wait a lot longer, then she can decide what she wants to do from there.

nottheonlydreamer44 · July 2010

Desertsun

That is exactly what I'm trying NOT to do. She gets far too much enabling from her own mind and her other friends. I'm sorry you and your friend have grown distant because I know how badly that sucks. True friends are honest with each other. I've told her many times to just talk to him because this ridiculous.

I think I may lose my mind if I have to hear about it anymore. You all have made great points and I will talk to her one more time and then she is one her own because I can't listen to the constant fears that she has. It's been going on for 4 years and I'm at my breaking point.

Thank you all!

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_will-ever-marry-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:c00d0e03-857d-4440-aa5b-4067cdec7ae0Post:6b873da0-db53-46de-9629-f9a55ca7b705">Re: Will he ever marry her?</a>:
[QUOTE]Love2shop, You always have the best things to say. I <3 you. I'm so sorry for your cousin - she needs out of that relationship in a bad way. I have been there done that and married it too.<strong> I would encourage her to grow a pair herself and get out now. Why would you want to stay (I know there's tons of reasons why people do)</strong>. I agree that he doesn't want to get married period (honestly) but that he is entertaining her for now just to tide her over. I just talked to her about an hour ago and I mentioned wedding dress shopping. She got completely thrilled and wanted to go. That is wonderful, I just know she will be trying on dresses too and it makes me sad :( I don't want her heartbroken but in the end she needs to grow up and have a grown-up discussion even if it's not what she wants to hear.
Posted by nottheonlydreamer44[/QUOTE]

<div>I <3 you too. If I were you, I'd gently bring up the subject and try to be as honest with your friend as possible without being judgmental.
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</div><div>As for my cousin, I know. Sigh...I try not to judge her and to only give her advice when it's solicited. (The last thing I want her to do is think she CAN'T talk to anyone and only get closer to this jerk.) I've told her many times that she can do better, that she deserves better, and that he will not change. I've had to take her to the police station because he's beaten her so badly. She won't leave him. I hope that one day she'll find the strength to, but for now she feels trapped because they own an apartment and a dog together. I told her that her life and safety are worth more than an apartment and a dog and that she can stay with me if she wants and she just listens and doesn't respond.</div><div>
</div><div>I pray that she'll find the strength to leave him one day. I too have been there and know that everyone and their brother can tell her to leave him, but she'll only be done when she's done.</div><div>
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