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where do i draw the line with my mother?

embreenembreen member
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in Moms and Maids
My mom is helping me plan my wedding and by helping i mean she is going ahead and taking over. Forget what colors i want, she doesnt like them so I can't do them.  My fiance is zero help since his opinion is my parents are paying for everything so hes not going to go against them. The thnig that is really getting to me is my mothers insistance that i make my sister a bridesmaid, which wouldnt be a problem if she could cooperate with anything ive asked of her, she wont even wear the color dress i want for my bridesmaids. My mom also wants to invite 40 extra people that i dont even know. I get that they are her friends but 40 people? We wanted a small wedding 100 people or less, and shes making it almost 150. Im not sure how to tell her to back off a little, this is my wedding not hers.
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Re: where do i draw the line with my mother?

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2012
    Your fi has a good point. If your parents are paying for the wedding, they get to make decisions on anything that affects the budget. They are the hosts of the party and can invite anyone they like. Decisions that don't affect the budget, such as the wedding colors and the bms, should be up to you and your fi. Of course, your parents might withdraw their funds if you don't do it their way, so you should approach the subject diplomatically. Show your mom pictures of the things that you like and look at her ideas, too.

    Your other option would be to pay for your own wedding and do it your way.

                       
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Ditto everything Maire said. It's a bummer, and I'm sorry that is happening to you. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    PeledreamsofrainPeledreamsofrain member
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    IF you want a wedding that you have 100% control of, pay for one.  Money comes with strings, unfortunately.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    libby2483libby2483 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    Like PPs have said, if you don't want your mother to control your wedding, decline her assistance and pay yourself.  
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_where-do-i-draw-the-line-with-my-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4ef882b-a5a5-4d0f-a4f2-14c6690529a5Post:54697a62-481c-4e53-a1f1-222db0c0a178">where do i draw the line with my mother?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom is helping me plan my wedding and by helping i mean she is going ahead and taking over. Forget what colors i want, she doesnt like them so I can't do them.  My fiance is zero help since his opinion is my parents are paying for everything so hes not going to go against them.<strong> The thnig that is really getting to me is my mothers insistance that i make my sister a bridesmaid, which wouldnt be a problem if she could cooperate with anything ive asked of her, she wont even wear the color dress i want for my bridesmaids</strong>. My mom also wants to invite 40 extra people that i dont even know. I get that they are her friends but 40 people? We wanted a small wedding 100 people or less, and shes making it almost 150. Im not sure how to tell her to back off a little, this is my wedding not hers.
    Posted by embreen[/QUOTE]

    What else hasn't your sister cooperated with, besides the color of the dress?

    And yeah, pay for own wedding. Problems solved.
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    tlc35tlc35 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    It is also your responsibly to deal with your mother. If your FI confronts your Mom it risks alienating his FILs and that is a bad idea. Ditto PP on the money comes with strings issue.
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    embreenembreen member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_where-do-i-draw-the-line-with-my-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4ef882b-a5a5-4d0f-a4f2-14c6690529a5Post:ad34b7b3-cb73-4bb0-87c4-3b2d69aafe8e">Re: where do i draw the line with my mother?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to where do i draw the line with my mother? : What else hasn't your sister cooperated with, besides the color of the dress? And yeah, pay for own wedding. Problems solved.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    <div>shes very upset im engaged, shes told me that my fiance is marrying me for the government boost he gets from being in the military, that hes not a good person because he is being deployed, and that i am dependant on him which is not the case. she claims she was crying for days after i announced my engagement plus a few other snide comments and things, shes not even speaking to me except for snide and rude comments about my life or upcoming marriage</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>i understand what you all are saying about the money issue, and your right, i was looking for a way to gently kind of tell my mom that i appreciate everything she is doing but to please let me have my input since this is the only time i plan on doing this you know?</div>
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Honestly, I would not feel comfortable taking money from my mom if she had an issue with me marrying my FI. I agree with PPs. Decline her money and plan the wedding both you and your FI can afford. Her attitude sounds like far too much of a burden to deal with.
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    Jager1219Jager1219 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_where-do-i-draw-the-line-with-my-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4ef882b-a5a5-4d0f-a4f2-14c6690529a5Post:084031b5-493f-4153-86a2-d9450d5ad39f">Re: where do i draw the line with my mother?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If I wasn't clear, I didn't mean that OP's fiance should talk to her mom, I meant that before she decides she doesnt want mom to pay, she should discuss with fiance.  OP, are you using a wedding coordinator?  Maybe you could discuss with mom, that with a wedding this size, a WC would be a good idea.  A WC might be able to suggest compromises.  As to the wedding getting larger, one thing our WC suggested is using a receiving line. It will take about 10-15 minutes, you can say hello to all your parent's friends, and then not worry about going to every table.
    Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

    Careful with this.  I had the same thought and my mom yelled at me.  She said that the receiving line was IN ADDITION to thanking everyone for coming in person at the tables.  I don't know the proper etiquette for this, but I just said ok then, no receiving line.
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    SB1512SB1512 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_where-do-i-draw-the-line-with-my-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:c4ef882b-a5a5-4d0f-a4f2-14c6690529a5Post:446e0710-26da-4cba-b6e1-5f786b40687b">Re: where do i draw the line with my mother?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: where do i draw the line with my mother? : Careful with this.  I had the same thought and my mom yelled at me.  She said that the receiving line was IN ADDITION to thanking everyone for coming in person at the tables.  I don't know the proper etiquette for this, but I just said ok then, no receiving line.
    Posted by Jager1219[/QUOTE]

    Jager FI's parents said the same thing......we are not excluded from doing table visits even if we do a receiving line.  Since FI and I don't want a grand entrance and plan on making at least the second half of cocktail hour we are skipping the receiving line.  I'm also hoping that doing table visits takes away from the amount of time I have left to party (FI and I don't dance and my mom keeps hounding us about how we "have to be out on the dance floor").  The longer table visits take, the more time we can avoid standing awkwardly on the dance floor.
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