NWR-tell me I'm being petty

ggirl2001 · May 2011

So FMIL wants to come down to SC for when FI gets back from deployment. I get that she wants to see him, but part of me wanted some time alone with him. But I also get that she won't see him then until wedding and he won't be going back home anytime soon.

I also feel obligated to offer her to stay at our apt. Our 1 bedroom apartment.

I know it's his mom, but I'm irked. I'll get over it. But I'm irked.

Edit: spelling.

Beachy730 · May 2011

Nope, you're not at all being petty. My friend went through this too with her MIL when our H's came home. Put your foot down, and tell her that you really are looking forward to a few days alone with him first, and she is more than welcome to come a few days later. Seriously, I know exactly what you're going through, and I wouldn't budge on it. If you need to, get your FI to back you on this. There is no way I would share those first few days with anyone.

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

I'd feel the same way. I'd invite her for a few days after he gets home, as well.

lyndausvi · May 2011

I would suggest she comes a few days/weeks after he arrives home.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

The thing is, she can't come down a few days later depending on when he gets in because of the wedding either. I'm hoping she decides she can't afford the flights down here so close to the wedding. I just hope that she gets a hotel room or something since we have such a small place.

I think it bothers me because she didn't give 2 sh!ts about FI until he joined the Marine Corp and now she is all about him and wants to see him.

I just told her to look into coming a few days after since the first few days they don't get much visiting time since they just got back. I think that's somewhat true right?

kellyjellybelly · May 2011

You are not at all being petty. I think that you definitely need to set boundaries now, because otherwise she's going to be staying at your place all the time. If that's not what you want, speak up now. I have plenty of room in my house, and I still don't like MIL staying here, it makes me uncomfortable.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

She's normally pretty good about staying places, which maybe is also why I'm upset. When she goes to visit her daughter, she might spend one night there, but then also time at a hotel, she didn't say anything about staying here so maybe she won't. I'm trying to tell her to come down after when she will have some time (and I will be at work during the day lol) to spend with him.

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-tell-im-being-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eac06e5-beff-4227-9edd-a09537cfae65Post:20ca0545-fca7-4a9d-9f95-1819fda849c5">Re: NWR-tell me I'm being petty</a>:
[QUOTE] I just told her to look into coming a few days after since the first few days they don't get much visiting time since they just got back. I think that's somewhat true right?
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

Sounds believeable to me. I'm sure they have debriefing and stuff like that. I know when our friend in the Army gets home from a deployment, he can't go anywhere for about 2 weeks.

Beachy730 · May 2011

If she can't because of the wedding, then she will see him the week of the wedding. Like KJB said, put your foot down now. It's not even just about being able to have sex or anything like that. IMO it is crucial for couples to have that alone time together right after being apart that long, and she needs to respect that. She isn't the main woman in his life anymore, and that time is for you and him. When we had FRG meetings before he came home, they told us not to plan big things when they get home, and just give ourselves a few days to ease back into being together and them being home. Having your MIL stay with you or even be there does not equal easing into it.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

It's partly my fault because she does love me as a daughter in law and is so happy that I'm marrying her son and that he is with me. She literally says that on a regular basis that he is lucky to be with me. I will talk to FI about it. See how he feels, knowing him, he won't see it as a big deal only because he will say something along the lines of I will be spending the rest of my life with you etc etc. I am pushing her to come down a few days after. I want to be firm with her, but since she normally doesn't push her way into the relationship I feel bad. Damn me and my non wanting to rock the boat self.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

Thanks for the advice guys. I am going to talk to FI about it and have him talk to his mom about it. Maybe he can convince her in a better way by talking about what he will be expected to do when he gets back.

Beachy730 · May 2011

Even if he says that you have the rest of your lives together, tell him that it's important to you to spend these days together just the 2 of you after this long apart. He definitely should respect that.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

she just said this to me after I told her about debriefings and not being able to see him much

i understand that but even if it's just for a few hours or an evening, I want him to know that I missed him and wanted to be there when he came home

jaycee7389 · May 2011

i think it's a pretty sensible request to have alone time with your FI when he first gets back. maybe she didn't think about it and is really excited for him to be coming home. and as for the 1 bedroom apt, we have one as well and i just don't bother inviting family to stay here because where the hell would i put them? if she knows it's a 1 bedroom hopefully she is just assuming it would be impractical for her to stay with you guys.

Beachy730 · May 2011

If I got that, my response would be:

I really don't want to upset you, and I know you missed him. But this has been a very long and stressful deployment for me, especially with the move, and it is really important to me to just have a few days alone with him when he first gets home. I really hope you can understand how important this is to me and our future together.

If she can't respect that, then she's just rude.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

Well, she has a class she is supposed to teach in July so cross your fingers that she gets at least 5 students registered for the class because then she can't come.

I will also have FI talk to her about coming down a day or two after he gets in. Maybe I will have him phrase it as he would love to see her the day or so after he gets in when he has time. That way she feels invited by him.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

Beachy-that would work except she takes everything as a personal insult to her about her children. I usually have FI just deal with things like this because then it can't come back on me.

Beachy730 · May 2011

Honestly, if all else fails, lie to her about the day he is coming home, saying it's a few days later. Then you can say he ended up getting home a little early. Or just tell her you don't know it for sure. Seriously, I wouldn't budge on this.

Beachy730 · May 2011

Then flat out tell FI that you want to be alone with him, and to tell her she needs to wait a few days. Sorry if I seem like a bitch on this, but I just saw my friend struggle with it, and know how important those few days are. His mother needs to learn to respect you as his future wife and that your wishes come before hers on this.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

Oh, thats a good plan too. I could totally do that. But I think if FI were to extend an invite to her she would feel "special" that he actually included her and would come on the day he requested. That way I get what I want without her blaming me for not being there when he got back.

She's trying to rebuild her relationship with FI since it hasn't always been good. He's not used to it either so it throws him off. I get that she wants to, she just is clueless about things like this.

I honestly don't see her doing this too often since she hasn't really done this before. When he comes home, he always stay at my house, not hers (when I lived in Buffalo) and spends majority of his time with my family and she has not complained or done anything prior to this.

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-tell-im-being-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eac06e5-beff-4227-9edd-a09537cfae65Post:b5d73daa-f772-482c-97de-38ec715ee626">Re: NWR-tell me I'm being petty</a>:
[QUOTE]she just said this to me after I told her about debriefings and not being able to see him much i understand that but even if it's just for a few hours or an evening, I want him to know that I missed him and wanted to be there when he came home
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

See, this would irk me. He's coming home to YOU and the home he shares with YOU. I could understand her wanting to be there if he was coming home to her house. Instead, she's basically inviting herself to your home and into a special period of time between you and your future husband. I would just say, "I'm sure he knows you miss him and we're both looking forward to seeing you, but having a few days for us to unwind together is important for our relatiopnship." I get that that can be awkward, but he's going to be your husband, and I'm sure she loves you because you both put your relationship first. You can't not respect someone's wish to have time to bond and reconnect after a deployment. I'm sure she loves her son, but this is one of those letting go things moms of sons have to deal with.

Maybe I'm just so adamantly taking your side because my sister's MIL is super clingy with her son and even though she loves my sister, she invades their personal space every chance she gets. Stick up for yourself and lay some boundaries.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-tell-im-being-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eac06e5-beff-4227-9edd-a09537cfae65Post:2ccd8d10-0414-4be6-8d7d-eef2694ff50f">Re: NWR-tell me I'm being petty</a>:
[QUOTE]Then flat out tell FI that you want to be alone with him, and to tell her she needs to wait a few days. Sorry if I seem like a bitch on this, but I just saw my friend struggle with it, and know how important those few days are. His mother needs to learn to respect you as his future wife and that your wishes come before hers on this.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
Totally not bitchy. That's why I posted this. This is the first time she has done this so I'm not sure what the proper way to handle it is. Didn't know if it was a big deal or not basically. This is our first deployment too. FI is supposed to be calling me later today and I will definitely bring it up to him. He will back me up on it. I just want it to come from him and not me.

Beachy730 · May 2011

Good. My friend was the same as you, and really didn't want to upset her MIL either. And yeah, if this is your first deployment, it's even more important that you get a few days alone. H was even just down here, and I asked him what he would want me to do if his mom tried being here when he got off the ship, and he said not to ever let that happen. Your FI probably feels the same way. He wants alone time with you just as much as you want it with him.

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-tell-im-being-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eac06e5-beff-4227-9edd-a09537cfae65Post:94ae71a7-317f-44c5-9d12-4b3d7fb93e31">Re: NWR-tell me I'm being petty</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR-tell me I'm being petty : Totally not bitchy. That's why I posted this. This is the first time she has done this so I'm not sure what the proper way to handle it is. Didn't know if it was a big deal or not basically. This is our first deployment too. FI is supposed to be calling me later today and I will definitely bring it up to him. He will back me up on it. <strong>I just want it to come from him and not me.
</strong>Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

That's probably your best bet. I know you're here and communication is easier to be had with you, but maybe you should suggest that your husband initiate an email conversation with his mother and invite her to come on a specific date, 3 or 4 days after he gets home. Then, you don't have to be the bad guy.

Ciaram22 · May 2011

I agree with beachy!

achiduck · May 2011

Nope, no need to feel like you're being petty. I'd feel the exact same way. Put your foot down and take a few days for yourself.

As for offering your FMIL a place to stay, I have a one bedroom apartment and as much as I love my FMIL there is NO way she would be staying at our place unless it was for one night and one night only.

ggirl2001 · May 2011

You ladies are awesome. Now I don't feel bad about it. I'm going to have FI extend an invite to her for a few days after he gets back and maybe have him say that he wants sometime to get readjusted etc. We don't even have a set date yet anyway so who knows. Depending on when it is, she might not want to or she will have a class to teach.

Let's hope that she gets 5 people registered in her class. Anyone live in Buffalo and want to take a summer college course lol?

CassieeK · May 2011

It doesn't sound petty to me. I would definitely be upset about it!

katelyn26 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-tell-im-being-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eac06e5-beff-4227-9edd-a09537cfae65Post:8526a9fc-099f-4543-93b5-b0085cd7719d">Re: NWR-tell me I'm being petty</a>:
[QUOTE]Nope, you're not at all being petty. My friend went through this too with her MIL when our H's came home. Put your foot down, and tell her that you really are looking forward to a few days alone with him first, and she is more than welcome to come a few days later. Seriously, I know exactly what you're going through, and I wouldn't budge on it. If you need to, get your FI to back you on this. There is no way I would share those first few days with anyone.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
I totally agree...youre not being petty...my fmil was a huge pain when my fiance was injured...since we werent married yet shed always make me leave the room when the doctors would come in and whatnot....I just wanted some alone time, we hadnt seen each other in months and i just wanted to be there for him

em01092 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-tell-im-being-petty?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3eac06e5-beff-4227-9edd-a09537cfae65Post:5a2d7222-6091-4c6b-bc64-af2e10131d2d">Re: NWR-tell me I'm being petty</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR-tell me I'm being petty : I totally agree...youre not being petty...my fmil was a huge pain when my fiance was injured...since we werent married yet <strong>shed always make me leave the room when the doctors would come in and whatnot.</strong>...I just wanted some alone time, we hadnt seen each other in months and i just wanted to be there for him
Posted by katelyn26[/QUOTE]

<div>She made you or the doctors did? I'd be pissed if my FMIL told me to leave because "we weren't married <em>yet." </em>So? If FI was hurt, I feel like I have a right to be by his side. Was your FI unconscious? Was it a critical injury where serious decisions had to be made regarding his health, like whether or not to have surgery? The doctors telling me a "family member" had to be responsible for those things and basically to GTFO is a little different I guess, since there may be legal/confidentiality issues involved or something. </div>

Loopyseven · May 2011

Just tell her you are planning a 2 day sexfest when he comes home and she can come down and listen from the couch or she can wait until day 3.. j/k - you've gotten good advice from the PP's

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