How to break the news?

brainybrunette · January 2012

So, I think that I've already mentioned on this board that I'm not changing my name once FI and I are married. I'm very adament about keeping my name. I love FI, and I don't think that I need to give up my last name to prove that.

My question is, how do I politely tell people that I've chosen to keep my name? FI's parents came out to visit us this weekend, and before they left FI's mom said "it was great to visit with the future Mr. and Mrs. "X". I didn't correct her, because I didn't know what to say.

Most people that I have told are completly fine with it. Except my grandmother, who insists that I MUST at least hyphenate my name. She even told my mother that she had to "make" me change my name. My mother's response was, Nic's an adult and she can make up her own mind. Yay for standing up for me Mom!

I've thought about telling our DJ to announce us as "For the first time as Mr. and Mrs...FI and Nic" that way no last names are involved at all. I do know that there's no way we're being announced as "Mrs and Mrs. FI's fist name last name". That is one of my pet peeves when a woman is referred to by her husband's name and completely loses hers.

I know that most of the girls on here are taking FI's name, but some suggestions on how to tell people I'm keeping mine would be appreciated.

lenergyrlah · January 2012

First off, I think that you will often be referred to as "Mrs. FI's last name" in the future (by your children's friends, etc.) It's a mistaken assumption but it's still made quite often. So as much as you want to keep your name, I think you should try to get used to it. Most people will say it trying to be polite, not to make a point. It sounds like your FI's mom is excited for you rather than insisting that you take his name.

I don't think you need to "break the news" unless people specifically ask you if you're changing your name. They'll figure out eventually, maybe by your return address labels on your thank-you notes. If FI's family is raising an issue (say his mom really wants you to be Mrs. his-name) that is his problem to deal with.

As far as the announcement, "Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane" just sounds weird to me. I would be expecting a last name on the end of that. But there's nothing exactly wrong with it. Have you thought about doing "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Jane Smith"?

brainybrunette · January 2012

Yeah, I know that unfortunately I'm going to have to just get used to it. That's what I get for going against the societal norm : / I always thought that I'd be ok if people referred to me by his last name, but I guess I'm not taking it as well as I initially thought. I've told FI that I'm struggling with this...his reponse: get over it! Don't get me wrong, I love FI and can't wait to be married...I guess this whole issue just brings out the feminist in me.

I've thought about being announced at Mr and Mrs John Doe and Jane Smith too...not sure which sounds better though...just our first names or 2 different last names. I guess the advantage of the second option would make it clear that I'm keeping my name. I'm just concerned that would send my older, more traditional guests into a tizzy!

CFM102012 · January 2012

I think having the DJ announce you as "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Jane Smith" sounds fine. It also makes it clear right away that you're keeping your name. You'll probably be fielding questions the rest of the evening from people who don't understand but you'd probably get that anyway. If you're going to keep your name make it known right away so there's no doubt.

lenergyrlah · January 2012

If your reception is moving along at a decent pace, i.e. people are just finishing dinner when you have toasts, then immediately the dancing starts, etc. I don't think there will be much time for the guests to be hounding you. As far as the older guests getting into a tizzy, I think that if someone is having a fit because you're not taking his name, they are probably already having a fit (unless your dress is extremely conservative, you walk up the aisle to "here comes the bride," your first dance is a waltz, etc.) They can deal, and if anyone asks you "are you not taking his name?" you can just say "you heard the DJ correctly" *smile* and then go greet another guest.

mana8503 · January 2012

Just curious, will your kids be hyphenated? Or take FI's name? take your name?

brainybrunette · January 2012

Thanks everyone...I'll propose being announced with 2 different names to FI and let you know how it goes.

@Mana - our kids will have FI's last name. I don't want to give them hyphenated names because I went to college with a bunch of people with hyphenated last names (or both their parents' names) and one name always got dropped when people referred to them. I'm perfectly fine with having a different name than my future kids. I have a bunch of relatives in Canada and Italy who do not take their husbands names but their kids have the husband's last name. It works out fine for them, so hopefully it'll work out ok for us too.

CFM102012 · January 2012

My SIL kept her maiden name. She's the youngest of four girls and she wanted to let their line of the name last for at least one more generation. Their kids are split. My niece has SIL's last name and my nephew has my brother's/our last name. I'm considering bumping my last name to be a second middle name.

cokie216 · January 2012

As for the DJ- how about no announcement? Or if you must have an announcement, just "bride and groom" or "newly weds"?

aimeek420 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_break-news?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:3b0c39c5-375c-4798-805d-caa754571efePost:26c837f9-8e93-4b7a-b81a-23a8ac959c8d">Re: How to break the news?</a>:
[QUOTE]As for the DJ- how about no announcement? Or if you must have an announcement, just "bride and groom" or "newly weds"?
Posted by cokie216[/QUOTE]

Or just using your first names, without the Mr. & Mrs. Like, "And for the first time as a married couple, here come John and Jane!"

ktelizabeth86 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_break-news?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:3b0c39c5-375c-4798-805d-caa754571efePost:bdd91ed3-2942-42f4-968d-65306d0f620a">Re: How to break the news?</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm considering bumping my last name to be a second middle name.
Posted by CFM102012[/QUOTE]

I've thought about doing exactly this. I have a unique last name (and so does fiance). I want to take his last name but have thought about making mine a second middle name so I don't lose it completely. Women use to make their last names their middle names quite often when they got married.

brainybrunette · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_break-news?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:3b0c39c5-375c-4798-805d-caa754571efePost:f6288d64-ddec-4787-85fc-5dd500eec057">Re: How to break the news?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to break the news? : Or just using your first names, without the Mr. & Mrs. Like, "And for the first time as a married couple, here come John and Jane!"
Posted by aimeek420[/QUOTE]

That's what I meant when I said we could by announced by our first names only. Like, "for the first time as a married couple, FI and Nic". I'll talk this one over with FI and see what he thinks.

aimeek420 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_october-2012-weddings_break-news?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:56b9bcef-1e34-456e-81f5-cfaa107456b2Discussion:3b0c39c5-375c-4798-805d-caa754571efePost:c1503a69-266d-4619-bf19-fa447894a3dc">Re: How to break the news?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to break the news? : That's what I meant when I said we could by announced by our first names only. Like, "for the first time as a married couple, FI and Nic". I'll talk this one over with FI and see what he thinks.
Posted by Nic12184[/QUOTE]

My mistake! I saw the "Mr & Mrs" and thought you meant Mr. and Mrs. Fi and Nic. :)

Stina2012 · January 2012

I like the announcing by first names. That just takes away any concerns for you! Also, don't break the news to people, that's kind of out there. I mean if they ask be honest, but no need to mention it anyways. And, I also agree that you may want to get used to being Mrs. FI Lastname. It just happens, nothing feminist or anti-feminist about it! As a feminist and women's studies major I'm still taking FI's last name.

trawas01 · January 2012

I'm keeping mine. We already got christmas cards addressed to us at the house this year as Mr. & Mrs his last name. Makes me roll my eyes but I try to just go with it.

As for the annoucement I don't really blame you. I don't want to be annouced that way either. We'll just be annouced as the new bride and groom.

As for telling everyone else, we really aren't. My parents know, they aren't surprised. My sister hyphenated hers, and my parents would have been more surprised if I changed mine. His folks don't know yet. His mom won't care, his dad likely will. He'll get over it. Otherwise I'm keeping it for professional reasons and don't care much if socially everyone knows.

Oh we did get return address labels with both our names on it. So I suppose when people get thank you cards that might be a tip off.

fishinflagrl · January 2012

I like the idea of announcing just your first names, but I also like the idea of announcing Mr. & Mrs. John Doe & Jane Smith so that your guests will know right off the bat that you are not using his last name and keeping yours. Good luck, let us know what FI decides.

How to break the news?

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