Is This Tactful?

AllAboutTheBenjamin · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:7cdfee3b-8279-4431-bf10-8c09699251dc">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's weird to me that sooo many of you think you should just be there. I will be there for my friends, and I will sure as hell help them in any situation-- until they become self destructive and there becomes the possibility that I will get sucked into it. There's a huge difference between loving someone and wanting to be a part of their life.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Ditto - 100%. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to support them as they run their lives into the ground. I mean, if you can help, help. But not all situations can be helped. You can't always love people enough.

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:7cdfee3b-8279-4431-bf10-8c09699251dc">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's weird to me that sooo many of you think you should just be there. I will be there for my friends, and I will sure as hell help them in any situation-- until they become self destructive and there becomes the possibility that I will get sucked into it. There's a huge difference between loving someone and wanting to be a part of their life.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

While, I definitely would not send the OP's judgy email. I would let the friendship just die the normal death that appears to be happening (they haven't talked so I assume it is already over). And/or not call/email/see her in the future, thus no contact equals no friendship.

Snippylynn · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:43db012b-a316-4120-a692-1a1cd2862c69">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is This Tactful? : Ditto - 100%. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to support them as they run their lives into the ground. I mean, if you can help, help. But not all situations can be helped. You can't always love people enough.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
And now I 100% you. It's an important day AATB! Us agreeing completely with one another has never happened before, I don't think. :)

specialk84 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:7cdfee3b-8279-4431-bf10-8c09699251dc">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's weird to me that sooo many of you think you should just be there. I will be there for my friends, and I will sure as hell help them in any situation-- until they become self destructive and there becomes the possibility that I will get sucked into it. There's a huge difference between loving someone and wanting to be a part of their life.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with you. I'm willing to help someone as long as they are willing to help themselves.</div>

AllAboutTheBenjamin · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:44b1657c-46e6-481c-97ef-568961cdf1fa">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is This Tactful? : And now I 100% you. It's an important day AATB! Us agreeing completely with one another has never happened before, I don't think. :)
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Snippy, it is surely a sign of the end of days :)

RupertPenny · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:7cdfee3b-8279-4431-bf10-8c09699251dc">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's weird to me that sooo many of you think you should just be there. I will be there for my friends, and I will sure as hell help them in any situation-- until they become self destructive and there becomes the possibility that I will get sucked into it. There's a huge difference between loving someone and wanting to be a part of their life.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this for the most part. I'm not interested in being sucked into other people's drama either. The only reason I said anything was because the letter in the OP sounded so self centered it seems like she never even considered what he friend might be experiencing. It seemed like she only cared how this friends choice of who to have sex with affected her. </div>

Snippylynn · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:7d3941d7-e4af-4ee1-b3ad-96e9a0bca3e3">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is This Tactful? : Snippy, it is surely a sign of the end of days :)
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]
Fucking Mayans.

mdeidre · April 2012

I don't think tactful is the thing to worry about here. You have a long time friend who is clearly acting out on past trauma and instead of talking to her or trying to get her to seek help, you're dumping her through a way drawn out email AND telling her she's too poor to be involved in your wedding to add insult to abandonment. If this is your first, second and third thought on how to handle this situatiopn, maybe she's better off without you in her life anyway.

pkontk · April 2012

If you can't respect her decisions, then just say that. No need for a long, rambly email.

chattychiqa · April 2012

As someone who is opinionated and bitchy and lengthy...this was over the top even for me. Don't send it.

lv2011 · April 2012

To my knowledge, she hasn't been actively not speaking to me. The last time we spoke, I pretended, wrongly, that things were fine. We live 2 hours apart, so for the past year and a half, we've often gone a month or two without communication. So, I felt that she would not understand why I had been actively not speaking to her. I thought she deserved to know why because I hadn't been forthcoming with her about it.

I really don't want to be that judgy, obnoxious, know-it-all person. I just know that nothing I say is going to make it better, but I didn't want to just leave it hanging out there. I thought that would be more rude than honesty.

I guess I'm flip-flopping a lot because I really do want to be there for her and the kids, but I know from previous experience with her that she will not help herself until it really does hit the fan in a MAJOR way. Her husband beat her and the kids, and I housed them countless times, pleading with her to get help and counseling. I called every women's shelter, divorce attorney, domestic abuse advocate I could, anonymousy, trying to figure out how best to be there for her. She always said she'd get help. She never did. Her family called child protective services on him. She hasn't started divorce proceedings from her husband, just hoping the situation will just go away, and yet she's living with, sleeping with, being bought by her rapist. I know that she is going to need help, but you can't help someone who doesn't want it.

This is so painful. It just...sucks. Big time. And traumatic beyond words to have been raped myself and watch my friend treat her own rape like it's this lovey-dovey, best-thing-in-the-world-to-ever-happen-to-her thing. Emotionally, on my own end, I just can't handle it.

redheadfsu · April 2012

If you must send something. Send the short, I can't be friends anymore version. But do not lecture her about her bad choices and how you don't agree with her life (that is what you are doing when you explain everything). Judging her for her bad choices, will only make it ten times worse.

And I get not being able to be there for her, that it is causing you emotional trauma and you have to pick your health over hers. But still a short "we can't be friends anymore" is much better then emotionally vomiting your judgy feelings all over her.

erin7264 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:f15684bb-f37c-4c87-af6b-533d4b742ea9">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE] I called every women's shelter, divorce attorney, domestic abuse advocate I could, anonymousy, trying to figure out how best to be there for her. She always said she'd get help. She never did.
....
Emotionally, on my own end, I just can't handle it.
Posted by lv2011[/QUOTE]

You can't help those that don't want to be helped. She has multiple major emotional and physical traumas that she isn't dealing with, and you can't force her to. Sometimes, the only thing we can do is stand back and watch as they hit rock bottom, all the while hoping and praying that they make it out OK.

Keep it short and take responsibility for making this choice. 'Dear friend: I love you, but I disagree with the path you've chosen and I can no longer continue our friendship. I wish you a life of happiness and success.'

HeathenSwan · April 2012

You are extremely judgemental, especially of someone you call your "best friend".

It's your decision, but you owed it to her to have the balls to say this stuff to her and allow her to respond to you, instead of the email.

The tone of "I know it's your decision to make, but your decision is wrong" is extremely self-righteous. Because I'm sure every decision you make is the right one. You don't know what's going on in her life. But, hey, at least she now knows what kind of a friend you are.

divinemsbee · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-tactful?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a5e50970-9d42-408d-80d2-0d498dd0fc92Post:4bda3a51-9ab6-41b3-a171-a741cef0bd58">Re: Is This Tactful?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is This Tactful? : No, you're not awful for thinking that. I was thinking the same thing. It infuriates me when women make false claims about rape. I'm not saying that this is definitely the case here, but the idea of falling in love with someone capable of such a horrific thing seems preposterous. It makes me wonder if it's a total lie, greatly exaggerated, or there's some underlying psychological issue here. Making a false claim makes it so much harder for true victims to get the justice they deserve. Believe me...it's shitty to think that someone can get away with something like that while the victim carries that trauma for the rest of their life.
Posted by MeganLindsay5685[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>See, rape is one of those things I give the benefit of the doubt about. I'm not saying that no person in the history of earth has ever lied about being raped, but it's far more likely for someone to lie about not being raped when they were than someone to lie about being raped when they weren't. I just can't go directly to "someone is not behaving how I would see myself behaving, therefore they must be lying."</div><div>
</div><div>I think a lot of times people assume false clams when the victim involved seems to have mental issues, assuming that the mental issues must have been there before the rape rather than as a result of it or were aggravated by it. Just because you (the proverbial you) think you would be strong enough to come out the other side unscathed doesn't mean that all people will. What OP's friend is doing isn't all that rare. There are women who are raped, especially who are raped young, who come to see it as a way of expressing love or intimacy. In fact, from what OP has said, her friend's situation makes sense to me. </div><div>
</div><div>I think PP (Poke? I think it was you) hit the nail on the head about a lot of this. Some women come out the other side of rape and/or brutality and live pretty normal lives and it doesn't affect much of their day-to-day or decision making. And some, women come out of it completely changed. Do I think it is OP's responsibility to change her friend's life? No, I don't, and I understand keeping toxic elements out of one's life for one's own sanity. But, I think that finding a way to end the friendship while leaving the door open in case of her leaving the situation she's in is a good idea. </div>

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