I'm torn (little rant)

Hazel_B · August 2010

On the weekend my friend's engagement photos came in and they are absolutely amazing. I'm in total agreement in investing in a good photographer and for that matter a good make-up artist too.

So, I see those photos and am so happy for my friend but then proceed to get really upset. I spoke to my BF about it and he asked if it was because I wanted to get married and am jealous that I'm not. It doesn't feel like I'm jealous of her getting married at all.

I've learned a lot being around her wedding, being around TK and making it about the marriage and not all the stuff that goes with the wedding. As long as I've had this friend she has been more of a follower and has not really developed tastes of her own, she tends to follow what is trendy and in style at the moment.

So, I see these photos and as amazing as they are I see the photographer, I don't see my friend at all in them. i have a feeling that this could happen at their wedding as well. I guess I feel more jealous that she has access to this amazing photographer, I likely won't due to expenses, and it seems wasted in a way.

Do I make any sense at all? Please tell me just to grow up about this. I have felt this way for years about my friend, but every once and awhile something puts me over the edge.

PaigeMcC · August 2010

I have a friend like this too. She's a lovely girl, one of my best friends, but she's a follower. She'll get the best of the best and do it the way it "should be done" because that's what is expected of her (by her family mostly.). Sometimes she gets to me too. Not because I don't love her to death, and not because she's being a sheep (but that bugs me to NO END) but because I'm jealous.

Plain and simple: I'm jealous. I want my mom to pay for my stuff, I want to have the best of the best, etc etc. I think when you see someone have things that you want it's natural to be jealous. It's also okay to be jealous as long as you don't let your jealousy run you, or impact your relationship with that person. You're also allowed to be childish every once and a while...it happens! But like I said, don't let those emotions run you. You are an adult and you need to act accordingly but secretly, at home, where it's just you and BF you can be jealous, you can cry over stupid stuff or you can be mad about something that doesn't make sense.

Our emotions are what make us human, acting or not acting on them is part of the game. So, while you are being childish - I TOTALLY understand and I think sometimes everyone has that right.

Hazel_B · August 2010

Thank you so much Paige, I've been feeling like such a jerk about it. These photos were just the first thing I'd seen to get me worked up.

The worst is that her parents and his parents have given money towards the wedding with no questions or strings attached. So, they've been allowed to do whatever they want to with only their two opinions to count.

I admit I am completely jealous about this. Regardless of whether my parents or BF's parents give money I know that they have needs/requirements at any potential wedding. I'd love to be able to have a wedding of 80 people like my friend, but any potential wedding will be as much my parents' and BF's parents' day as it is BF's and my day.

I just find myself constantly jealous over things like this. I'm led to believe that her wedding planning isn't normal because the rest of my friends that are planning weddings are having family requests constantly that this friend never has.

Thanks for hearing me out! I think I needed to get this off of my chest.

Hazel_B · August 2010

Oh, normally I'm not so childish

it only seems to be in regards to this particular friend....sigh

catemeg · August 2010

I think it's important to make a distinction between "envious" and "jealous". When you're envious, you wish you had what someone else had, but you're still happy for them. When you're jealous, you wish you had what someone else had and that they didn't have it. It doesn't sound like you're jealous, it sounds like you wish your friend the best but you wish you could also have the expensive photographer. And that's okay! I believe that nearly every bride has to compromise on something due to budget, no matter how big her budget may be. There are probably very few situations where money is truly no concern, but those people likely don't value the details as much as someone who has to DIY or pinch pennies to make it happen the way she wants.

And I also have a close friend who is a follower and doesn't have the j'ne sais quoi to stand up for herself or make changes to her life to make her happy. It's incredibly frustrating to watch, because you sometimes just want to shake them and tell them to do what you know is in their own best interest and what they truly want. Unfortunately, part of being a friend is being supportive when you can't do anything to fix the situation. You can't change the photographs from her engagement shoot, but maybe sit down with her and go through other peoples' wedding albums on TK or other sites, coming up with pictures she loves and wants to replicate? Save them on a document and print them out for her photographer as "must shoot photos" ideas.

breezerb · August 2010

Hazel, just remind yourself that at the end of the day no matter how much money she throws at her wedding it will probably all be to try please others and make herself feel best.

A wedding that is not all frills and magic tricks will always be a million times more intimate and beautiful not because of what's missing but because the focus will be on the couple who are so deeply in love.

Hazel_B · August 2010

Thanks guys!

Cate - Okay, definitely on the envy rather than jealousy side.

Breezer - Definitely! It just makes me realize how different she and I are these days.

Goldlie11 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-torn-little-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ffec40ed-3138-4590-9122-c58ac8a0387ePost:4fcfd4a3-7f3e-4fdf-b170-f98063ed18af">I'm torn (little rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]On the weekend my friend's engagement photos came in and they are absolutely amazing. I'm in total agreement in investing in a good photographer and for that matter a good make-up artist too. So, I see those photos and am so happy for my friend but then proceed to get really upset. I spoke to my BF about it and he asked if it was because I wanted to get married and am jealous that I'm not. It doesn't feel like I'm jealous of her getting married at all. I've learned a lot being around her wedding, being around TK and making it about the marriage and not all the stuff that goes with the wedding. As long as I've had this friend she has been more of a follower and has not really developed tastes of her own, she tends to follow what is trendy and in style at the moment. <strong>So, I see these photos and as amazing as they are I see the photographer, I don't see my friend at all in them.</strong> i have a feeling that this could happen at their wedding as well. I guess I feel more jealous that she has access to this amazing photographer, I likely won't due to expenses, and it seems wasted in a way. Do I make any sense at all? Please tell me just to grow up about this. I have felt this way for years about my friend, but every once and awhile something puts me over the edge.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]
The bolded part kind of confuses me. What exactly makes the pictures not look like her?

It is possible that you are envious of her getting married. I know that there were times when I wanted to kick FI when someone at my job got engaged. These feelings are normal. Don't worry about it. It's great that you are so happy for her.

There are always women who do want to follow the latest trends. Some people are like that. Just like there are always people who march to the beat of their own drum, regardless of what's in. Don't worry about it. As long as she's happy with the end result, that's all that matters.

mellimel19 · August 2010

I can sympathize, its easy to be a little envious when someone seems to have all these wonderful things just handed to them. I'm experiencing something similar with someone I know at the moment. The parents have given them a ton of money for the wedding without asking for any input, and she is also a follower with no tastes of her own, just wants what is fanciest and most expensive. Occasionally that gets to me a little bit, because I know that my bf and I will be scrimping and saving to pay for our wedding entirely ourselves and won't be able to afford anything NEAR as extravagant. But a good friend of mine reminded me that when we get married, our day will be about what really matters, joining together in front of our loved ones. That always makes me feel better, remembering that the importance of the day lies in that you're going to spend the rest of your life with this amazing person, not how fancy the decor is. Just remember that- the wedding is just a fancy day, but you've got what's really important

Hazel_B · August 2010

Goldie - All I meant was it didn't seem like they influnced the photos as a couple. For example, I don't really know Kat but seeing the picnic photoshoot for their engagement photos just screamed her personality to me. These photos don't say my friend at all. It isn't that there is something wrong with the photos. Does that make more sense?

nottheonlydreamer44 · August 2010

Hazel -

I think like the PP's said that your feelings are completely normal, to an extent. It seems like you've been inudated with wedding related things (TK, her wedding, her engagement pics, her planning process) and that can make anyone start to become jealous and envious. Both that she is getting "the best of the best" and that she is getting married. <--- not sure if that's true but it appears like you might be.

I went through this too the first time around. My parents paid for some of the wedding and expected a lot of input - who was invited, their friends, the location ect. Don't get me wrong the "wedding" was me but when I look back at pictures I see I was just doing what I thought I should be doing.

Now FI and I don't have an unlimited budget but his parents decided to start giving us money. They added people to our guest list (we were trying to keep it at 75-80) and ended up over 100. This weekend FI told his parents we thank you for the money but in the end it's our wedding, we knew what we wanted and now that vision is getting skewed. They apologized and said they were sorry. It's our wedding they just want us to be happy.

I'm still envious of what other people have sometimes but that is the biggest way to end up with something you DON'T want. Just because you're trying to keep up. Just keep in mind that the wedding is just a day but your marriage is what matters most. Scrimping and saving for things might actually bring you and your BF closer when the time comes.

catemeg · August 2010

A wedding isn't about the money, though it always makes things easier. We'll always be envious of someone who has more, just as someone else will always be envious of what we have. It's how it works. Someone will always have more, and someone will always have less. I understand getting envious, but remind yourself that the money doesn't make the wedding, and the wedding certainly doesn't make the marriage, and ultimately it's about the marriage.

Secondly, if you really feel your friend is going to waste this opportunity with a great photographer, I really think you should look through other people's albums together and have her select shots that she'd like to replicate. Perhaps she just hasn't seen what her options are in terms of personalizing the shoot. I never would have thought of a picnic theme (not that I'm going to use it, but still) if I hadn't seen Kat's shots! My friends had a shoot down by the waterfront in Baltimore, and it was adorable. It definitely gives you ideas what type of things you'd like. Doing it with her might make it fun, and will also allow her to personalize her use of the photographer.

Goldlie11 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-torn-little-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:ffec40ed-3138-4590-9122-c58ac8a0387ePost:9b700345-8f54-4b9e-8448-e68e3f6d9541">Re: I'm torn (little rant)</a>:
[QUOTE]Goldie - All I meant was it didn't seem like they influnced the photos as a couple. For example, I don't really know Kat but seeing the picnic photoshoot for their engagement photos just screamed her personality to me. These photos don't say my friend at all. It isn't that there is something wrong with the photos. Does that make more sense?
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]
That makes more sense.

Hazel_B · August 2010

I spoke to her last night about the photos. I've said nothing about my views of them because she seems really happy about them. However, she has definitely gotten mixed views on them from other people. It doesn't seem to be just one or two people either. She didn't go into details just said something along the lines of because the photos aren't traditional engagement photos and other people don't have the same style.

As long as she is happy with them, my opinion doesn't matter. It was just so different to me to see my happy go lucky friend in these engagement photos where she isn't smiling at all. I only saw one photo where she was smiling and it's probably my favourite one.

catemeg · August 2010

How can you NOT smile in Engagement photos? That sounds like a prison mugshot.

Hazel_B · August 2010

Well, there are only a few teasers on the photographers website and of those there is only one photo with a genuine smile in it from her and her fiance's face isn't even in that photo. Hopefully there are more smiling ones.

Posting on TK is helping me figure out my thoughts. I think that has been my biggest problem with these photos is the lack of smiling and how that doesn't correspond to the couple I know.

deb84 · August 2010

One of my best friends got married a couple years ago and I HATED her engagement pictures. (Rude yes, True yes) They did not capture the personality of the couple AT ALL the poses were all really formal and uncomfortable looking. This photographer also had them do a lot of serious poses which I don't really understand for engagement pictures. Maybe one or two serious poses if that's who the couple is but this couple IS NOT. They are always smiling, laughing, joking around. None of that came across in their pictures. But like you said, they are NOT your pictures. If she and FI are happy with them that is all that matters. I'm really glad that you are expressing these feelings to strangers on the internet and not to her. The envy will come and go. It's hard to watch others get married when are you in a serious relationship and "ready" yourself. Your day will come.

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