Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"

zup28w · January 2012

Hi all,

I've been reading the different posts here and I have to say that I'm somewhat dumbfounded by people who insist that asking for monetary gifts is rude and tacky. My fiance and I will have a small-medium registry since we already have most of what we need. We are crossing our fingers that our guests give us monetary gifts versus non-registered items. Unfortunately, I've heard from a lot of my married friends about crazy gifts they were given which weren't on their registeries.

I know many people feel asking for monetary gifts is wrong but let's be honest. This is 2012 and life is a helluva lot different than it was 5, 10, or 30 years ago. In 1990, the average wedding cost was 15k (http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf). In 2010, the average wedding cost was around 29k. That's a 193% increase in 32 years, well beyond 3% annual cost of living increases.

I'm just wondering if and when the mentality on asking for monetary gifts will change. A blender will not help pay for a honeymoon. For now, we'll hope our guests figure it out and see what happens.

Greg

tldh · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:bc1b5116-5dd4-4b6a-b578-e441168db90b">Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I've been reading the different posts here and I have to say that I'm somewhat dumbfounded by people who insist that asking for monetary gifts is rude and tacky. My fiance and I will have a small-medium registry since we already have most of what we need. We are crossing our fingers that our guests give us monetary gifts versus non-registered items. Unfortunately, I've heard from a lot of my married friends about crazy gifts they were given which weren't on their registeries. I know many people feel asking for monetary gifts is wrong but let's be honest. This is 2012 and life is a helluva lot different than it was 5, 10, or 30 years ago. In 1990, the average wedding cost was 15k ( <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf).">http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf).</a> In 2010, the average wedding cost was around 29k. That's a 193% increase in 32 years, well beyond 3% annual cost of living increases. I'm just wondering if and when the mentality on asking for monetary gifts will change. A blender will not help pay for a honeymoon. For now, we'll hope our guests figure it out and see what happens. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]

You can try to justify it any way that you want, it doesn't change the fact that you are getting married in the same time frame as thousands of others who are in the same boat financially. To have a wedding, all you <em>need </em>is a couple who wants to marry, an officiant and a marriage license. Everything else is what you <em>choose</em> to add.

A few Good Will stores got extremely nice donations when DH and I moved in together because we didn't need two of everything and we still managed to make a small registry of upgrades. We received a majority of cash or gift cards from our guests (only a couple went off the registry). We also had a small wedding that we paid for ourselves and went without a DJ, photographer, centerpieces, favors and big wedding party so that we could put more money towards things for our guests like great food and an open bar opting for a cocktail style reception.

Nobody is forcing you to have an over the top $29K wedding (or whatever the amount is that would be spent for an over the top wedding in Boston). That is entirely your choice. It doesn't magically turn your friends into ATMs and change the rules of etiquette - and by the way, etiquette does not change.

ETA - How old were you 5, 10 and 30 years ago that you can say with authority that things are "a helluva lot different" today?

Simply Fated · January 2012

Asking for cash isn't magically going to make people not give you "crazy" gifts. If people want to give you a gift not on your registry, why do you think asking for cash is going to make them give you cash? If you don't want a blender, don't register for a blender. If you don't want anything, don't register for anything. I hope it never becomes proper to ask for cash. You're not a charity case, stop acting like one.

cebrady89 · January 2012

Yes, things have changed. You might have more stuff now than people getting married 30 years ago had. But - directly asking for money is still rude. No matter what, no matter when.

Don't register for things if you don't want/need them, but don't "register" for cash either. If people want to give you cash, they will. If they want to buy you something you don't want, they will. That's what gift receipts are for.

Viczaesar · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:bc1b5116-5dd4-4b6a-b578-e441168db90b">Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I've been reading the different posts here and I have to say that I'm somewhat dumbfounded by people who insist that asking for monetary gifts is rude and tacky. My fiance and I will have a small-medium registry since we already have most of what we need. We are crossing our fingers that our guests give us monetary gifts versus non-registered items. Unfortunately, I've heard from a lot of my married friends about crazy gifts they were given which weren't on their registeries. I know many people feel asking for monetary gifts is wrong but let's be honest. This is 2012 and life is a helluva lot different than it was 5, 10, or 30 years ago.<strong> In 1990, the average wedding cost was 15k ( <a href="http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf)." rel="nofollow">http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf).</a> In 2010, the average wedding cost was around 29k. That's a 193% increase in 32 years, well beyond 3% annual cost of living increases. I</strong>'m just wondering if and when the mentality on asking for monetary gifts will change. A blender will not help pay for a honeymoon. For now, we'll hope our guests figure it out and see what happens. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]
What on earth is this supposed to demonstrate?

What you spend on your wedding is in no way the fault of the guests, nor are the guests obligated to "pay you back" for the money you <strong>choose </strong>to spend on your party. If you choose to spend $29,000 on a wedding, that's your cross to bear. The gifts you receive are a token of well-wishing from your nearest and dearest, and they are not obligated to give you anything at all. They most certainly are not obligated to help you pay for your elaborate, expensive party or your honeymoon vacation sexfest. If you can't afford these things without trying to extort money from your <strong>guests </strong>then you should elope.

You want an expensive wedding? You want a honeymoon? Pay for it your own damn self and don't expect reimbursement from your guests. It is your job to properly host your guests, not the other way around.

Avion22 · January 2012

It's okay to prefer cash. Heck, I think there are a lot of us who have thought, "you know, it would be nice to get some money so we can make that downpayment." But wanting money and ASKING FOR MONEY are different. Asking for money is rude.

It's okay for your parents and siblings to tell people, IF ASKED, that "zup28w and fiance as trying to save up for...." Otherwise, you and your family shouldn't even mention gifts, registries, or money to any of your guests.

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:bc1b5116-5dd4-4b6a-b578-e441168db90b">Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I've been reading the different posts here and I have to say that I'm somewhat dumbfounded by people who insist that asking for monetary gifts is rude and tacky. My fiance and I will have a small-medium registry since we already have most of what we need. We are crossing our fingers that our guests give us monetary gifts versus non-registered items. Unfortunately, I've heard from a lot of my married friends about crazy gifts they were given which weren't on their registeries. I know many people feel asking for monetary gifts is wrong but let's be honest. This is 2012 and life is a helluva lot different than it was 5, 10, or 30 years ago. In 1990, the average wedding cost was 15k ( <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf).">http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf).</a> In 2010, the average wedding cost was around 29k. That's a 193% increase in 32 years, well beyond 3% annual cost of living increases. I'm just wondering if and when the mentality on asking for monetary gifts will change.<strong> A blender will not help pay for a honeymoon.</strong> For now, we'll hope our guests figure it out and see what happens. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]

A HM is YOUR (B&G's) responsibility to finance. If you get money for your wedding, you can certainly replenish your savings/checking to offset what you spent on the HM. I've never understood the "cash gifts will pay for the HM" concept. How the heck do you plan a HM when you don't know how much cash you'll receive? Assuming that the HM immediately follows the wedding, of course. It makes much more sense to plan what you can afford and replenish the bank account with cash gifts after the wedding.

Your statistics don't really do much here. Do you know <strong>why </strong>there was a 193% increase in wedding costs? Because of the WEDDING INDUSTRY which exists to make money off of our "special days". (Gag...I can't believe I just typed that lol) The wedding industry pushes all of these "must haves"and gorgeous ideas via bridal magazines and cable shows when in reality all a B&G must have is an officiant and a legal document. Does a couple really need to send STDs? Photo TY cards? Have a live band? Have an engagement photo shoot? Have professional hair/makeup done? Have a limo? Buy monogrammed totes for the gals and engraved flasks for the guys in their WP? If the B&G get caught up in all of that and want to spend that kind of money, that's fine but they <u>can't ask their guests to give them cash to offset the expenses. </u>It wasn't the guests' decision to drop 39k on a wedding and 10k on a HM so why in the WORLD would a B&G ask or expect their guests to give them cash? If the guests choose to do that on their own that's great! No B&G is going to complain about getting cash. But the bottom line is that it is rude to stand there with your hand out and say "Dead Presidents, please!"

FWIW, we had a wedding in 2007 for under 10k. Guess we came in way under average.

daniellelea1985 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:bc1b5116-5dd4-4b6a-b578-e441168db90b">Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I've been reading the different posts here and I have to say that I'm somewhat dumbfounded by people who insist that asking for monetary gifts is rude and tacky. My fiance and I will have a small-medium registry since we already have most of what we need. We are crossing our fingers that our guests give us monetary gifts versus non-registered items. Unfortunately, I've heard from a lot of my married friends about crazy gifts they were given which weren't on their registeries. I know many people feel asking for monetary gifts is wrong but let's be honest. This is 2012 and life is a helluva lot different than it was 5, 10, or 30 years ago. In 1990, the average wedding cost was 15k ( <a href="http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf)." rel="nofollow">http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf).</a> In 2010, the average wedding cost was around 29k. That's a 193% increase in 32 years, well beyond 3% annual cost of living increases. I'm just wondering if and when the mentality on asking for monetary gifts will change.<strong> A blender will not help pay for a honeymoon.</strong> For now, we'll hope our guests figure it out and see what happens. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]

Gifts at the wedding are intended to help you start your new life together....not fund your post wedding sex romp :/

I think asking others for money will always be poor etiquette, no matter the context.

If you can't afford a wedding.... don't have one. Justice of the Peace.

meganb1977 · January 2012

I think it's more a matter of things changing as far as guests realizing for themselves how circumstances have changed for brides and grooms. Many couples now live together and set up a home prior to their wedding, which was not as much the norm for previous generations. It is considerate of a guest to realize this and that couples don't need as much for their home as they used to, so it is better to purchase something off their registry or to give a cash gift or gift card so they are not stuck with an item that they didn't really need or want. It is also considerate of a guest to ask, even if they bypass the bride and speak to her mother, to see whether the couple does need a lot of items for their new home or if they are saving for a honeymoon, downpayment for a house, or other larger goal.

Since so many of us fear receiving a "white elephant", perhaps this will start changing as we remember our own weddings and that we might have preferred a cash gift, so we will choose to give cash gifts or stick to the couple's registry when attending weddings in the future.

I have already suggested to fiance that next time we attend a wedding, we will give the couple a gift card, rather than bringing a boxed gift to the reception which their family would have to deal with after the party (even though it's more considerate of a guest to have a gift sent in advance, I don't blame him that fiance hates to have to pay for shipping). He was afraid that gift cards are not personal but I think I convinced him that, now that I have the perspective of a bride, that's not the case and I would think that the person who gave us the gift card wanted us to purchase a favorite registry item that we did not receive.

zup28w · January 2012

Thank you all for the responses.

For those that told me I would be rude asking for monetary gifts, I'm not, nor did I ever say I would. I said I was hoping people would give monetary gifts given our small registry. I then asked if people thought that mentality would ever change. Apparently that part was misread/lost in my post.

I thought some of the responses were very good and valid. Others just gave "strong" personal opinions. To be honest, I'm surprised by some of the rudeness in some comments. It's fine that each has his or her own opinion, but this board is supposed to provide a forum to ask questions, not get slandered.

I was half-joking when I said a blender can't pay for a honeymoon, but that's easily taken out of context when just typed. The money isn't for a lavish honeymoon or to repay an over-the-top wedding. Many assumed this. We're actually trying to keep costs down and not spend a fortune.

The real reason behind my post is probably a better topic for another post. It's what do you do if you want items from a local family owned store which doesn't have a registry. To complicate matters, the gifts are not cheap since it's furniture and would require multiple people chipping in to get it. The benefit of a big store registry is that if someone buys it, it's automatically removed from the list to prevent duplicates. Maybe there are websites out there which can do this. I'm not sure.

Thanks again to those that provided honest yet non-slandering comments.

Greg

AdeleDazeem · January 2012

Crap... I read the poll wrong and picked No. Please disregard my idiocy.

Greg, my husband and I made a super small registry (20 things). We got some things from the registry and then a boatload of cash. It works, I assure you.

We also got maybe two or three things where I thought "What are we going to do with that?" but none of it is bad! We got a tea set from China (cool!) and some placemats, dish towels, and a pig-shaped cutting board. These things I would never pick out, but every time I look at them, I think "Aw, Soandso gave me that! Ha."

meganb1977 · January 2012

I think you could make sure both mothers are aware that the couple would like to purchase furniture from a local store and then if people ask "what do they want" the mothers could say that the couple is saving for furniture.

GretchenLaRoux · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:1ad21103-4daa-435b-a851-bc11dcd0737c">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for the responses. For those that told me I would be rude asking for monetary gifts, I'm not, nor did I ever say I would. I said I was hoping people would give monetary gifts given our small registry. I then asked if people thought that mentality would ever change. Apparently that part was misread/lost in my post. I thought some of the responses were very good and valid. Others just gave "strong" personal opinions. To be honest, I'm surprised by some of the rudeness in some comments. It's fine that each has his or her own opinion, but this board is supposed to provide a forum to ask questions, not get slandered. I was half-joking when I said a blender can't pay for a honeymoon, but that's easily taken out of context when just typed. The money isn't for a lavish honeymoon or to repay an over-the-top wedding. Many assumed this. We're actually trying to keep costs down and not spend a fortune. The real reason behind my post is probably a better topic for another post. It's what do you do if you want items from a local family owned store which doesn't have a registry. To complicate matters, the gifts are not cheap since it's furniture and would require multiple people chipping in to get it. The benefit of a big store registry is that if someone buys it, it's automatically removed from the list to prevent duplicates. Maybe there are websites out there which can do this. I'm not sure. Thanks again to those that provided honest yet non-slandering comments. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]

I really don't think anyone was rude at all, Greg. What you need to understand is that the regulars on this forum deal with variations of this exact same question <em>almost every day</em>, man. Quite frankly, it's tiring to have to constantly tell young brides who want validation for their rudeness that, no, even if you've lived together forever and have every imaginable home product, it's still not okay to ask people for their hard-earned money.

I'd guess that <em>most</em> couples live together before marriage now, or have at least had their own apartment. If you don't want a blender, <em>don't register for one</em>, dude. It's that simple. If you can upgrade something, register for that. Otherwise, assume that your guests are smart enough to realize that small registry = need money, not boxed gifts.

ETA: I know you've said that this doesn't apply to you, and for that I'm thrilled, but I seriously need to agree with everyone else who said that it's not the responsibility of your guests to reimburse you for whatever lavish nonsense you have at your wedding. Too many couples assume that their guests "owe" them something based on the fanciness of their party, and that is just not true. If you want a lavish wedding, have one. But don't look at me for extra help just because you have no ability to differentiate want vs. need, or because you have crappy budgeting skills.

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:1ad21103-4daa-435b-a851-bc11dcd0737c">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for the responses. For those that told me I would be rude asking for monetary gifts, I'm not, nor did I ever say I would. I said I was hoping people would give monetary gifts given our small registry. I then asked if people thought that mentality would ever change. Apparently that part was misread/lost in my post. I thought some of the responses were very good and valid. Others just gave "strong" personal opinions. To be honest, I'm surprised by some of the rudeness in some comments. It's fine that each has his or her own opinion, but this board is supposed to provide a forum to ask questions, not get slandered. I was half-joking when I said a blender can't pay for a honeymoon, but that's easily taken out of context when just typed. The money isn't for a lavish honeymoon or to repay an over-the-top wedding. Many assumed this. We're actually trying to keep costs down and not spend a fortune. The real reason behind my post is probably a better topic for another post. It's what do you do if you want items from a local family owned store which doesn't have a registry. To complicate matters, the gifts are not cheap since it's furniture and would require multiple people chipping in to get it. The benefit of a big store registry is that if someone buys it, it's automatically removed from the list to prevent duplicates. Maybe there are websites out there which can do this. I'm not sure. Thanks again to those that provided honest yet non-slandering comments. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]

I think you're misreading generalized you statements. I know when I said YOU (B&G) I meant ANY B&G.

You wanted to have a conversation about would it ever be okay to directly ask for cash. As far as I can tell, that's what people were doing -participating in a conversation. They were explaining why it's not okay for ANYONE (not Greg directly) to ask for cash. There were no slanderous comments. You also brought into the conversation a lot of money and cost details so naturally people commented on that as well.

I'm not understanding why you got bent out of shape.

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2012

And to add, you said you've been reading some of the discussions on this before so that means you've lurked. Are you really surprised that you got some "strong opinions"?

mcskatcat · January 2012

Sorry, but just to backtrack. In your first post you acted like the economy is going to effect the etiquette of the situation. I don't think it ever will. I don't know anyone who will ever believe it's okay or appropriate to ask for gifts, and more specifically, to ask for money as gifts. Regardless of the economic situation and how much weddings cost, it will never be okay to say "Hey everyone, we want money." Even registries are tap-danced around because it's not okay to expect gifts from others. Surely you will get some gifts, but to express that there is something you want before being asked is rude.

zup28w · January 2012

Hi,

@Grethen - thank you for taking the time to explain this.

@Others - The comments today have all been great.

@Mrs. B - I don't want to pick on anyone in particular, but a couple of them seemed rude. You shouldn't question someone's ability to make a general statement based on his/her age.

Thanks for the comments all.

On a side note, I went to my co-workers Vietnamese wedding and a bunch of us chipped in on gift cards to home depot and target since we knew he just bought a house. Then we found websites on Vietnamese wedding etiquette that said you should give cash. So I guess a lot depends on the culture.

Greg

Simply Fated · January 2012

"Then we found websites on Vietnamese wedding etiquette that said you should give cash. So I guess a lot depends on the culture." Did the Vietnamese couple ask for cash? Because it sounds like they didnt and you just discovered this info on your own. They didn't ask for cash. It's also tradition to give cash in red envelopes in China. But you still dont ask for it, no matter the culture. Your situation isn't unique. In just another thread 1 or 2 away from this one someone asked about a registry at a store that doesn't provide them. People are giving the same advice to use what ever cash you do get at the store, but it's inapropriate to ask for cash or even gift cards. When you post a question, people are going to reply to your question because you're the one asking it using the word "you." If it's a hypothetical question, we're not psychic enough to know that. Also, please replace your use of the word "Honeymoon" with "furniture." My answer still applies, as I didn't even use either word. Furthermore, "you" is often used as a collective you and not specifically you.

mandydc0509 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:bc1b5116-5dd4-4b6a-b578-e441168db90b">Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I've been reading the different posts here and I have to say that I'm somewhat dumbfounded by people who insist that asking for monetary gifts is rude and tacky. My fiance and I will have a small-medium registry since we already have most of what we need. We are crossing our fingers that our guests give us monetary gifts versus non-registered items. <strong>Unfortunately, I've heard from a lot of my married friends about crazy gifts they were given which weren't on their registeries.</strong> I know many people feel asking for monetary gifts is wrong but let's be honest. This is 2012 and life is a helluva lot different than it was 5, 10, or 30 years ago. In 1990, the average wedding cost was 15k ( <a href="http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf)." rel="nofollow">http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf).</a> In 2010, the average wedding cost was around 29k. That's a 193% increase in 32 years, well beyond 3% annual cost of living increases. I'm just wondering if and when the mentality on asking for monetary gifts will change. <strong>A blender will not help pay for a honeymoon.</strong> For now, we'll hope our guests figure it out and see what happens. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]

1. Gifts are not required. If you don't want it, donate it to a group that will give it to someone who needs it/wants it. Be happy that the person who brought the gift has come to your wedding to support you.

2. Why in the world would you expect for someone else to pay for YOUR vacation?! Have the wedding and HM that you can afford.

As the ladies on TK have said time and time again, if you have a small registry, people will probably give you money or gift cards. Your wedding is not about the gifts, it's about marrying your other half and sharing that special moment with your family and friends. It is not about collecting money to pay for that wedding and your honeymoon.

KatePlusNate04 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:bc1b5116-5dd4-4b6a-b578-e441168db90b">Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I've been reading the different posts here and I have to say that I'm somewhat dumbfounded by people who insist that asking for monetary gifts is rude and tacky. My fiance and I will have a small-medium registry since we already have most of what we need. We are crossing our fingers that our guests give us monetary gifts versus non-registered items. Unfortunately, I've heard from a lot of my married friends about crazy gifts they were given which weren't on their registeries. I know many people feel asking for monetary gifts is wrong but let's be honest. This is 2012 and life is a helluva lot different than it was 5, 10, or 30 years ago. In 1990, the average wedding cost was 15k ( <a href="http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf)." rel="nofollow">http://www.sellthebride.com/documents/americanweddingsurvey.pdf).</a><strong> In 2010, the average wedding cost was around 29k.</strong> That's a 193% increase in 32 years, well beyond 3% annual cost of living increases. I'm just wondering if and when the mentality on asking for monetary gifts will change. A blender will not help pay for a honeymoon. For now, we'll hope our guests figure it out and see what happens. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]

I got married in 2010. Ours didn't cost near that much. We threw the wedding we could afford, as everyone should do, whether that's $5000 or $50,000. This is absolutely no excuse for rudely asking people for money. If you can't afford a $30,000 wedding, don't have one. If you can't afford a honeymoon, don't take one.

How is it MY responsibility to make sure you get to jet off to Hawaii?

tldh · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:d658a754-72bc-4624-8f67-e2ed2b8e4826">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, @Grethen - thank you for taking the time to explain this. @Others - The comments today have all been great. @Mrs. B - I don't want to pick on anyone in particular, but a couple of them seemed rude.<strong> You shouldn't question someone's ability to make a general statement based on his/her age</strong>. Thanks for the comments all. On a side note, I went to my co-workers Vietnamese wedding and a bunch of us chipped in on gift cards to home depot and target since we knew he just bought a house. Then we found websites on Vietnamese wedding etiquette that said you should give cash. So I guess a lot depends on the culture. Greg
Posted by zup28w[/QUOTE]

When you make the statement that you did, it's absolutely appropriate to ask how old you are. I've been in weddings for the past 20 years and can tell you that not much has changed in that time frame. People were living together before getting married then and needed cash as much as B&Gs do today. You were the one who said that things have changed "a helluva lot" so I wanted to know what your frame of reference was for this statement.

tldh · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:0f35f7a0-47b4-489c-abd0-45e881d89f0b">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude" : Did you just call Mrs.B rude? GET OUT.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

No. He was calling me rude.

hoffse · January 2012

Look Greg, just make a small registry of upgrades, let your moms or wedding party spread the word that you are saving for furniture when asked, and then use cash gifts for that. Easy peasy and then people won't talk about how tacky you are.

Also, my understanding from these boards is that people up in the Boston/NY/NJ area tend to stick to registries for showers and then move to cash for the wedding itself. I'd understand your concern if you were southern, because people really like boxed gifts down here but in Boston I really don't think it's a big deal. It's easy to get attached to the idea of certain kinds of gifts but recognize that people are going to give you whatever they choose. And if you eloped you'd probably be able to buy all that furniture with the money you are saving. But then you probably wouldn't get too many gifts. It's a trade-off. Embrace the priorities you've chosen and try not to be unhappy if people don't do things your way. If I were your guest, you would be getting boxed gifts (and no cash ever) from me for several reasons:

1) I don't want you to know how much I spent

2) I don't want to give you cash that's going to be spent on student loans, your sex-fest, or something else either boring or trashy

3) Cash is too easy to steal from a wedding venue, checks are too easy to not cash, and giftcards sometimes expire or else are not properly activated

As your guest, I would have every right to give you the gift I chose, and it would not be appropriate for you to try to corner me into something I'm uncomfortable with. If you tried, I would probably decline the invitation.

chickcasa · January 2012

I think this mentality has a chance of changing. Clearly not everyone agrees that it's rude to ask for money, and not a single person yet has given a reason WHY it is rude to ask for money. I mean, besides "it just is."

There's a lot of "it's rude to ask people to part with their hard-earned money" but this makes no sense to me. While I can agree, people should choose to do with their money what they choose to do with it, letting people know that money would be an appreciated gift is truly no different than guiding people on what to spend the money on for a gift. Whether they buy you a $50 blender or just give you $50, they've parted with $50. Besides the fact that simply inviting someone to your wedding is asking them to spend money just to BE there- many guests have travel expenses and lodging expenses to be able to attend a wedding.

Etiquette changes with time. In fact, if you look on other places across the web including comments on registry articles on theknot, you will see MANY people think that registering for money is just fine and even is a good idea. It appears that this board just has a higher number of people who feel strongly that it is rude, which I suspect has chased off people who aren't of like mind to different places. It would be interesting to see how the poll result turned out if asked across different boards.

~Katy

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:71dc743b-f79a-4f71-add4-9d378cdc7dbd">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this mentality has a chance of changing. Clearly not everyone agrees that it's rude to ask for money, and not a single person yet has given a reason <strong>WHY it is rude to ask for money. </strong>I mean, besides "it just is." There's a lot of "it's rude to ask people to part with their hard-earned money" but this makes no sense to me. While I can agree, people should choose to do with their money what they choose to do with it, letting people know that money would be an appreciated gift is truly no different than guiding people on what to spend the money on for a gift. Whether they buy you a $50 blender or just give you $50, they've parted with $50. Besides the fact that simply inviting someone to your wedding is asking them to spend money just to BE there- many guests have travel expenses and lodging expenses to be able to attend a wedding. Etiquette changes with time. In fact, if you look on other places across the web including comments on registry articles on theknot, you will see MANY people think that registering for money is just fine and even is a good idea. It appears that this board just has a higher number of people who feel strongly that it is rude, which I suspect has chased off people who aren't of like mind to different places. It would be interesting to see how the poll result turned out if asked across different boards. ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]

Because one doesn't dictate what guests should give; it's their choice what to give. And before you go there, a traditional registry isn't asking either. It's giving guests a wish/needs list should they choose to get you something.

Simply Fated · January 2012

@chickcasa It's also rude to wipe your mouth at the dinner table with your sleeve. Why? It just is.

GretchenLaRoux · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:71dc743b-f79a-4f71-add4-9d378cdc7dbd">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this mentality has a chance of changing. Clearly not everyone agrees that it's rude to ask for money, and not a single person yet has given a reason WHY it is rude to ask for money. I mean, besides "it just is." There's a lot of "it's rude to ask people to part with their hard-earned money" but this makes no sense to me. While I can agree, people should choose to do with their money what they choose to do with it,<strong> letting people know that money would be an appreciated gift is truly no different than guiding people on what to spend the money on for a gift.</strong> Whether they buy you a $50 blender or just give you $50, they've parted with $50. Besides the fact that simply inviting someone to your wedding is asking them to spend money just to BE there- many guests have travel expenses and lodging expenses to be able to attend a wedding. Etiquette changes with time. In fact, if you look on other places across the web including comments on registry articles on theknot, you will see MANY people think that registering for money is just fine and even is a good idea. It appears that this board just has a higher number of people who feel strongly that it is rude, which I suspect has chased off people who aren't of like mind to different places. It would be interesting to see how the poll result turned out if asked across different boards. ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]

This has a chance of changing only when all the people with decent manners have died, and their children (who were likely raised with the same good manners as their parents) have also died. And also their children. And so on.
<strong>
Etiquette</strong> will not change, even if whatever is popular regionally or within family tradition does. Don't confuse etiquette and tradition, and it might make more sense. In some places, cash bars are common practice. It doesn't make them less rude and inappropriate, etiquette-wise.

To the bolded in your post: Really? Do you honestly think your guests are such idiots that they think you won't like cash? Good lord, lady. Please to be showing me a single freakin' person in the universe who doesn't like money.

Andplusalso, just because other people on the internet think cash registries are a good idea doesn't make it not rude. It's still rude, no matter how many people validate a bad idea. It just makes all of them jerks, too.

MNVegas · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:71dc743b-f79a-4f71-add4-9d378cdc7dbd">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this mentality has a chance of changing. Clearly not everyone agrees that it's rude to ask for money, and not a single person yet has given a reason WHY it is rude to ask for money. I mean, besides "it just is." There's a lot of "it's rude to ask people to part with their hard-earned money" but this makes no sense to me. While I can agree, people should choose to do with their money what they choose to do with it, <strong>letting people know that money would be an appreciated gift is truly no different than guiding people on what to spend the money on for a gift. </strong> Whether they buy you a $50 blender or just give you $50, they've parted with $50. Besides the fact that simply inviting someone to your wedding is asking them to spend money just to BE there- many guests have travel expenses and lodging expenses to be able to attend a wedding. Etiquette changes with time. In fact, if you look on other places across the web including comments on registry articles on theknot, you will see MANY people think that registering for money is just fine and even is a good idea. It appears that this board just has a higher number of people who feel strongly that it is rude, which I suspect has chased off people who aren't of like mind to different places. It would be interesting to see how the poll result turned out if asked across different boards. ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>People already know cash is an appreciated gift. They don't need YOU to tell them or set up cash registry that is just another gimmick and more times than not deceitful. </div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

AdeleDazeem · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:71dc743b-f79a-4f71-add4-9d378cdc7dbd">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]I think this mentality has a chance of changing. Clearly not everyone agrees that it's rude to ask for money, and not a single person yet has given a reason WHY it is rude to ask for money. I mean, besides "it just is." There's a lot of "it's rude to ask people to part with their hard-earned money" but this makes no sense to me. While I can agree, people should choose to do with their money what they choose to do with it, letting people know that money would be an appreciated gift is truly no different than guiding people on what to spend the money on for a gift. Whether they buy you a $50 blender or just give you $50, they've parted with $50. Besides the fact that simply inviting someone to your wedding is asking them to spend money just to BE there- many guests have travel expenses and lodging expenses to be able to attend a wedding. Etiquette changes with time. In fact, if you look on other places across the web including comments on registry articles on theknot, you will see MANY people think that registering for money is just fine and even is a good idea. It appears that this board just has a higher number of people who feel strongly that it is rude, which I suspect has chased off people who aren't of like mind to different places. It would be interesting to see how the poll result turned out if asked across different boards. ~Katy
Posted by chickcasa[/QUOTE]

Manners, my dear. I would never dream of walking up to someone and saying "What would I like? $20 bills - let's say eight of 'em - wrapped in a card. THANKSSOMUCH!!!"

You also don't burp at the table, you hold doors open for people, you don't bum rush the elevator to get on before others get off. OH WAIT - lots of people do that crap (are you one of them??) and it's RUDE. All of it.

Have a little class and think about other people. The world is so full of people who only think about themselves.

spartybride3 · January 2012

We are kind of in the same boat...we want $$ for a down payment, honeymoon, etc! We are planning on registering for a few items that we need new or replaced, etc and leaving the rest to what our guests wish to give us be it money or other gifts.

I think there is a website called myregistry.com and you can set up a "fund" (ie: cash) for a down payment, honeymoon, etc along with your other typical registry items. I think its like a registry management system or something. I don't know too much about it.

But yes, I do think it is rude to ask for money outright.

freebread03 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_commenting-asking-money-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:db803a86-703a-4edf-b887-8be6e816aa11Post:b56b46c4-ec44-4a3e-8529-62b15a260961">Re: Commenting on "Asking for money is rude"</a>:
[QUOTE]We are kind of in the same boat...we want $$ for a down payment, honeymoon, etc! We are planning on registering for a few items that we need new or replaced, etc and leaving the rest to what our guests wish to give us be it money or other gifts. <em><strong>I think there is a website called myregistry.com and you can set up a "fund" (ie: cash) for a down payment, honeymoon, etc along with your other typical registry items. I think its like a registry management system or something. </strong></em>I don't know too much about it. But yes, I do think it is rude to ask for money outright.
Posted by spartybride3[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>And, the above is the same as asking for money outright, so why would you set up a website to help you do this?

</div>

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