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To call it off or not to call it off...

JRose+AJohnstonJRose+AJohnston
First Comment
in Wedding Woes
My fiance and I's families don't get along, and everything came to a head last night.  I can't take it anymore, because I already have enough on my plate right now to begin with (I'm a grad student and my comps are in three weeks, we're trying to fix up a house, planning a wedding, getting a paper published, etc.).  My FH and I get along, and we love each other, but the stress that is caused by our families is getting to be too much for me to handle.  

I guess the question is, should I let our parents (mostly his) get in the way of our relationship, considering I'm going to have to live with them for the rest of my life, and call it off, or should I just deal with them even though it's making me miserable?
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Re: To call it off or not to call it off...

  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. - Gen. 2:24

    I'm not a big Bible quoter,  but when this idea goes back for thousands of years, it seems appropriate. You are not joining your families of origin. You're creating a NEW family. Your families don't have to get along. They don't even have to get along with you. They don't belong in the middle - or even on the edges - of your relationship. 

    image
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Why don't they like each other?

    <pulling up a chair />
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  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Are you 2 on the same page dealing w/ your families?
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  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You could move far away from both of your families--and it is right that you're creating a "new" family with your husband.  If that idea still makes you smile (You + Future Husband = Bliss), then you should obviously stay the course and get married.  But you two need to find a way to address inappropriate family behavior as a UNIT so that you're not bearing the brunt of any of this alone.

    Also, elope.  Seriously.  If your family's can't be civil adults, there's no reason to throw an emotional life-changing moment (with an open bar) into the equation.  Much less stress that way.
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  • JRose+AJohnstonJRose+AJohnston
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Our parents are from pretty different backgrounds.  My parents are hosting the wedding (and paying for it all), and they don't drink at all.  They said that if we want alcohol, we'll have to pay.  We decided together that we would prefer the help rather than alcohol, especially since my family really DOES NOT DRINK, so it wouldn't be just us being cheap.  That's not enough for his parents.  They think they should have a say, even though they're not paying at all.

    The most recent thing involved my mom throwing my a bridal shower on behalf of my bridesmaids.  Apparently his mom thinks that's inappropriate, and she wrote my mother a really heated email about how she shouldn't be doing that, and accusing her of not communicating, when it would be just as easy for my FMIL to pick up a phone.  

    She also said that communicating through my FH isn't enough, because he's bad at communicating.  Now whose fault is that, anyway?  

    So, there's the story, there's my rant.  And that's just the most recent issues that have arisen.  They're really acting like children, and I don't know if I can deal with that for the rest of my life, although most of the time my FH makes me happy.

    @GBCK: Yes, we're pretty much on the same page.  My FH is just as frustrated with his parents as I am.  

    @becunning: We are having a conversation with his parents on the phone tonight to confront them together as a unit, and we are hoping that will solve a lot of the issues.  Also, I would elope, but I have a hard time justifying losing all of the deposit money.  
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  • regfalangeregfalange
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Wow, your situation sounds awful, I'm so sorry! I think there is one bottom line though. You can't let anyone come between you and your FI, even if your families don't get along. You already said yes to marrying him so obviously you love him and are willing to spend the rest of your life with him (I hope). That is all that matters in a relationship, if you love each other. Don't consider leaving him because of other people! Unless of course he is sleeping with them! Good luck!
    Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....
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  • MinMMinM
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_call-off-not-call-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:e4679907-0d48-4503-acce-1d72e76b0771Post:14f29b33-9dd4-4aa4-bb30-4a7e0b015af6">Re: To call it off or not to call it off...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our parents are from pretty different backgrounds.  My parents are hosting the wedding (and paying for it all), and they don't drink at all.  They said that if we want alcohol, we'll have to pay.  We decided together that we would prefer the help rather than alcohol, especially since my family really DOES NOT DRINK, so it wouldn't be just us being cheap.  That's not enough for his parents.  They think they should have a say, even though they're not paying at all. The most recent thing involved my mom throwing my a bridal shower on behalf of my bridesmaids.  Apparently his mom thinks that's inappropriate, and she wrote my mother a really heated email about how she shouldn't be doing that, and accusing her of not communicating, when it would be just as easy for my FMIL to pick up a phone.   She also said that communicating through my FH isn't enough, because he's bad at communicating.  Now whose fault is that, anyway?   So, there's the story, there's my rant.  And that's just the most recent issues that have arisen.  They're really acting like children, and I don't know if I can deal with that for the rest of my life, although most of the time my FH makes me happy. @GBCK: Yes, we're pretty much on the same page.  My FH is just as frustrated with his parents as I am.   @becunning: We are having a conversation with his parents on the phone tonight to confront them together as a unit, and we are hoping that will solve a lot of the issues.  Also, I would elope, but I have a hard time justifying losing all of the deposit money.  
    Posted by JRose+AJohnston[/QUOTE]

    Are you saying you are going to have a dry wedding, because your parents don't drink? What about his family? What about your friends?
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  • JRose+AJohnstonJRose+AJohnston
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes, because we respect them, and my whole extended family doesn't drink and would probably be uncomfortable with alcohol available there in the first place.  Also, my parents are the ones paying for the wedding.  

    Our friends know, and they're fine with it.  If they're not, they don't have to come.  We've made sure everyone knows, so it's not like they're going to be searching for a bar that's not there when they get to the reception.

    If his parents were contributing anything monetary, then their opinion would have more value.

    The wedding isn't supposed to be about how trashed you can get on another person's dime, anyway.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Tell them to sneak it in.
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  • JRose+AJohnstonJRose+AJohnston
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    We haven't discouraged our friends and his cousins from doing that.  But we have warned them that the venue can kick them out for it.
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  • LnR70707LnR70707 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I love how often people having a dry wedding use the people getting trashed rationalization. 
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  • JRose+AJohnstonJRose+AJohnston
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That's not the rationalization.  The original post wasn't about how people should comment on their opinions about a dry vs. wet wedding in the first place.
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  • MinMMinM
    10000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If you lurked before you posted, you would know what MY priorities are. And that is booze. Double Ketel One and tonic, please. And yes, on your dime.

    Concentrate on your exams right now. Your wedding is months away - there is plenty of time to figure things out.

    If you don't want input from people, don't talk about your wedding with them. If they bring it up, change the subject. Ask them about themselves; people love to talk about themselves.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Las Vegas. Problem solved.
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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2011
    Have you sat down and talked with both sets of parents and told them how you feel? I think it's time to open the lines of communication.


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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like your parents are holier than thou jerks, and the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    P.S.  It is gauche, inappropriate, and money-grubbing for the mother of the bride to throw the bridal shower.
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  • JRose+AJohnstonJRose+AJohnston
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thank you everyone for the productive advice. @Min: Sorry that I got defensive, it's been a stressful day. I appreciate your advice, though. @NOLA: That's what we're doing tonight.
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  • regfalangeregfalange
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_call-off-not-call-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:e4679907-0d48-4503-acce-1d72e76b0771Post:064f2aff-4f24-4ed2-80af-130a5b21154d">Re: To call it off or not to call it off...</a>:
    [QUOTE]P.S.  It is gauche, inappropriate, and money-grubbing for the mother of the bride to throw the bridal shower.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    I think just about every bridal shower I have been to has been thrown by the bride's mother for the most part. Including my own. My bridesmaids contributed, and the only one I have been to that the MOB didn't pay it was because she is deceased so it was thrown by her aunt and bridesmaids. What is so inappropriate about a mother throwing a big party for her daughter?
    Celebrate we will, cause life is short but sweet for certain....
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