A Dry Wedding

gadfly85 · February 2012

My fiance and I have decided to not serve any alcohol at our reception. We have several friends who are recovering addicts, and we don't want to make them feel left out / tempt them to fall off the wagon. Also, my fiance's father is definitely an alcoholic, yet in denial about it, and I'm not comfortable with serving alcohol to him.

My side of the family is okay with this plan, but my FMIL has called it "unacceptable" to me, my mom, and my fiance. So there are a few things I'm concerned about:

1. My FMIL, since she was unable to convince us, will try to bring alcohol into the reception herself.

2. In my fiance's family, unlike mine, alcohol is served at dinner whenever there's a family get-together, and they may be upset / offended when there is none at the reception.

3. We would like to put a short, tactful note in the invitations indicating that alcohol will not be served at our wedding. Is this a good idea? If so, how should I word it?

Thanks for all your help,
gadfly85

lyndausvi · February 2012

1) Most places do not allow outside alcohol, if that is the case with your venue then warn them ahead of time so they can handle it.

2) My family is the same as your FI's family. Even my recovering alcoholic cousins still had alcohol at their wedding. People would be bummed that it was dry, but not offended. Everyone would still attend, although they would not last as long as if there was alcohol. Some might think it's sad, but our family has been entertaining like that for many, many generations and I do not see it coming to an end any time soon, nor do I think it's a problem.

3) I would not put something in the invite. By doing that you are acutally giving them an opportunity to bring their own.

banana468 · February 2012

I wouldn't put a note in there. But is your wedding the time to get on the soapbox? Especially if alcohol is served at every family gathering (this is the case in my family and DH's as well), you're starting off being in his family by making a bold statement that many may find to be rather rude. Instead of no booze, why not make sure you have great bartenders who cut people off?

katehar01 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1231c589-8442-4c89-85e6-bd19ee8aff6cPost:16fbefc4-3ec8-4251-b79d-d0de25eb79d7">Re: A Dry Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Dry weddings are fine, but there is no need to notify guests about it prior to the event. If it's common to serve alcohol with dinner in your FI's family, you two could consider having wine poured table-side during the meal.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

I like this idea. It respects the family's "tradition" without risking things getting out of hand.

And does your venue allow outside alcohol? If not, let you FMIL know not to waste her money, they won't allow you to serve it.

08duckie · February 2012

I'm also having a dy wedding and there is no need to notify the guest imo, they are there for the wedding not for alcohol and the issure shouldn't overshadow your event. I to, have similar problems with friends and family dealing with drinking issues. My fiance and I both decided since our wedding is on a Sun and is very small, the only alcohol that will be served will be during the toast. I think if you want to serve wine during dinner that is your decision, but just make sure you are doing what you want and are comfortable with. Best of Luck.

Bay21 · February 2012

I would love to talk about dry wedding (since I am having one) but it seems TK ate your post...

[Deleted User] · February 2012

Who is paying for the wedding? If FMIL is paying, she technically gets some say in the choice to serve or not.

We are limiting the alcohol served at our wedding by offering beer and wine only. The wines will be preselected and served with the meal along with a champagne toast. We have a lot of local guests and would not wish to put anyone on the road after having been responsible for providing the alcohol.

ETA: We also have several recovering alcoholics and another in denial, which was a motivating factor for the decision.

NOLAbridealmost · February 2012

As others have correctly said, it's acceptable to have a dry wedding but you also have to take the considerations of anyone who is helping pay for the reception into account when making that decision.

To address your specific concerns about hosting your dry wedding, don't put a warning in the invitation because people would be MORE likely to try to sneak booze in if they know it's dry ahead of time.

That being said, I'd consider having some sort of alcohol if you know that it's expected on your FI's side of the family. Many social groups simply expect there to be booze at a party. While you wouldn't be violating etiquette by skipping it, you will likely disappoint those guests and make a weird first impression on that side of the family. I don't think having a couple booze-hounds in the family is a great reason to go dry; they're adults and you should trust them to be able to behave themselves at your wedding. The venue security can deal with it if they lose control.

The posters who suggested having waiters pour wine at dinner had a really good idea.

whitsy · February 2012

We had no alcohol at our wedding, and there is no need to inform anyone ahead of time. That just opens up a can of worms about guests sneaking alcohol in, which could get you two into a lot of trouble.

Your FMIL should respect your wishes about not having alcohol, and your FI should speak with her about the decision BOTH of you made.

deanozzi · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1231c589-8442-4c89-85e6-bd19ee8aff6cPost:16fbefc4-3ec8-4251-b79d-d0de25eb79d7">Re: A Dry Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Dry weddings are fine, but there is no need to notify guests about it prior to the event. If it's common to serve alcohol with dinner in your FI's family, you two could consider having wine poured table-side during the meal.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

 I think this would be the best idea. It would stop people from over drinking but at the same time it would in a tactful way let people enjoy a cup or two.

KJGabc · February 2012

I myself am in recovery & have wrestled with this issue! Personally I'm OK with light alcohol being served but at limited times & amounts. Our cocktail hour will offer beer & wine then the bar will close for 90 minutes during dinner where beer or wine can be requested- by staggering the open bar option it will give people time to sober up before continuing their consumption. Relatives & friends we feel might overdue it have been spoken to privately and understand how important this day is to us but we also understand the demands of alcoholism so asked them to please modify their usage or voluntarily leave the function. It has all been met with no ill willl but rather appreciation for understanding there side. Perhaps it may plant the seed & help them to get help! Praying for a miracle!!

noniemyster · February 2012

My fiance and I are having the same issue.

And someone above said that you "should trust them to be adults" .

Yeah.... if that was the case, there wouldn't be a problem.
My fiances father is also an alcoholic in denial.
There is no way he would "act like an adult" and guess what,
we are not taking any chances of him acting like a child.
Plus, my fiance and I don't drink. So no booze.

It's YOUR day. Not your FMIL's.

banana468 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1231c589-8442-4c89-85e6-bd19ee8aff6cPost:2a0cfd29-6119-4cdc-b90f-ae1ae6913fc8">Re: A Dry Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] My fiance and I are having the same issue. And someone above said that you "should trust them to be adults" . Yeah.... if that was the case, there wouldn't be a problem. My fiances father is also an alcoholic in denial. There is no way he would "act like an adult" and guess what, we are not taking any chances of him acting like a child. Plus, my fiance and I don't drink. So no booze. It's YOUR day. Not your FMIL's.
Posted by noniemyster[/QUOTE]

To the bolded parts:
1) Why does the fact that you two don't drink mean that you won't serve it to others? I don't eat salmon but it was still offered to my guests. The logic makes no sense to me.

2) It's neither the OP's day nor her FMIL's. It's the day of everyone they choose to involve. Their wedding reception isn't for THEM. It's for their guests. If it was only about what the B&G wanted then they should have eloped.

toothpastechica · February 2012

If your call, its your wedding, people have dry weddings for many reasons, (costs, religion, having alchoholics in attendence, respecting recouvering alchoholics.) I think Its disrespectful of your FMIL to push the issue tbh. Theres nothing wrong with adding some wine at dinner if it will reduce the tension, but dont be bullied or pressured into spending money on alcohol if you dont want it. In regards to the pp: I understand taking care of guests needs, but alchohol is a preference, not a need and if adults cant figure out how to have a good time at a family members wedding without alchohol...that makes me really sad that they would go to a wedding for that instead of because they care about going to thier wedding.

rebarobert2012 · February 2012

You do not need to *advertise* the fact that it is a dry wedding in the invitation. If people spread it by word of mouth, that's fine, but you don't need to announce it in any way.

LittleMissCutiePie · February 2012

Don't put it in the invite. I put it on the wedding website under "Reception Information" and am spreading it through WOM. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, but some of the fam is already starting to give me crap. I just tell them "There are literally a dozen bars in the town, if you want to drink, go there."

Kristin789 · February 2012

We did too - except we had a one-glass champagne toast before dinner, and I totally agree with this:

We had no alcohol at our wedding, and there is no need to inform anyone ahead of time. That just opens up a can of worms about guests sneaking alcohol in, which could get you two into a lot of trouble.

Your FMIL should respect your wishes about not having alcohol, and your FI should speak with her about the decision BOTH of you made.

gadfly85 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1231c589-8442-4c89-85e6-bd19ee8aff6cPost:688dcd0d-84bf-4bb4-a7cf-1beec4239864">Re: A Dry Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't put a note in there. But is your wedding the time to get on the soapbox? Especially if alcohol is served at every family gathering (this is the case in my family and DH's as well), you're starting off being in his family by making a bold statement that many may find to be rather rude. Instead of no booze, why not make sure you have great bartenders who cut people off?
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I'd like to avoid coming off as being on a soapbox. I agree that my wedding is not the time to make that kind of statement. It should be a day of joy and celebration. I'm just concerned that if there is alcohol present (in this particular case- this is not a statement about all weddings), then it will become very uncomfortable for many people.

gadfly85 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1231c589-8442-4c89-85e6-bd19ee8aff6cPost:e25d616c-4c5e-4d2e-b27b-205719c8b475">Re: A Dry Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Who is paying for the wedding? If FMIL is paying, she technically gets some say in the choice to serve or not.
Posted by cajitasazules[/QUOTE]

My parents are paying for the entire wedding. My FMIL has offered many times to pay for things, but my fiance both agreed to not allow this for two reasons: she will hold it over our heads for a long time (which she does to my fiance's brother), and she will demand control over how things are done.

My fiance's parents are, however, paying for the rehearsal dinner. So they're picking the location, the menu, and the types of beverages and in what quantities.

gadfly85 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1231c589-8442-4c89-85e6-bd19ee8aff6cPost:8e2709db-7aba-47ca-afb8-d88db32af469">Re: A Dry Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A Dry Wedding : To the bolded parts: 1) Why does the fact that you two don't drink mean that you won't serve it to others? I don't eat salmon but it was still offered to my guests. The logic makes no sense to me. 2) It's neither the OP's day nor her FMIL's. It's the day of everyone they choose to involve. Their wedding reception isn't for THEM. It's for their guests. If it was only about what the B&G wanted then they should have eloped.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

1) Not very many people have a salmon-addiction problem. Consuming salmon in excessive quantities doesn't break up families. Nobody beat their children because of too much salmon. So it's really not the same thing.

2) The reception is for both the B&G and our friends and families. It's to celebrate our marriage. It's to thank our guests for celebrating our marriage with us. The last thing I want to do on that day is cause division and hurt feelings. But it truly saddens me that my FMIL believes that some of our guests will not be able to endure celebrating our marriage unless they have a drink in hand.

gadfly85 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1231c589-8442-4c89-85e6-bd19ee8aff6cPost:b1be5f41-3834-4ad4-93a9-353b20ac9296">Re: A Dry Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't put it in the invite. I put it on the wedding website under "Reception Information" and am spreading it through WOM. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, but some of the fam is already starting to give me crap. I just tell them "There are literally a dozen bars in the town, if you want to drink, go there."
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

Not putting it on the invite seems to be the general consensus... Thanks to everyone for your input. I especially like LMCP's suggestion of having that information on the website. Not in bold, flashing letters that scroll across the screen, of course. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /> But it would be good information to be made at least available- some people may have reservations about going to a reception with alcohol.

ChristineM130 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_a-dry-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1231c589-8442-4c89-85e6-bd19ee8aff6cPost:8e2709db-7aba-47ca-afb8-d88db32af469">Re: A Dry Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A Dry Wedding : To the bolded parts: 1) Why does the fact that you two don't drink mean that you won't serve it to others? I don't eat salmon but it was still offered to my guests. The logic makes no sense to me. 2) It's neither the OP's day nor her FMIL's. It's the day of everyone they choose to involve. Their wedding reception isn't for THEM. It's for their guests. If it was only about what the B&G wanted then they should have eloped.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I don't understand your logic that it's necessary to entertain your guests with things that you don't enjoy. My fiance and I decided not to serve alcohol because we don't drink, we don't enjoy being around drunk people (and neither do many of our guests), and we want our wedding, which is extremely sacred and one of the most religiously significant days of our lives, to reflect our Christian lifestyle. We are not being rude by not having alcohol available to the few people attending who would consider having a drink at 1PM in the church hall.

Yes, you must feed and care for your guests and thank them all for coming, but nobody is obligated by any kind of rule to offer anything they don't like, can't afford or don't agree with to entertain their wedding guests. We are blessed and honored to have every single one of our guests attend and we wish to accomodate them, and make it a fun, special, memorable day, but we know that those who brought us to this point will enjoy it more if it is a candid portrayal of who we are and what our marriage represents. By hosting a reception, we are giving thanks to our guests for being so loving and supportive of us, not dressing up to put on some kind of show that doesn't represent what our covenant means. If anyone's going to be unhappy at our wedding because we aren't serving alcohol or salmon, that's their problem, and I hope they stay home and really think about where happiness really comes from, instead of dwelling on such meaningless things as getting drunk or eating fish. It's a wedding, not a Hollywood party.

And if we do decide to serve salmon, it will only be because we both find it delicious.

Crjimbo · May 2013

The ceremony is for the bride and groom. The reception is a party thanking your guests for attending. The happy couple can choose to thank their guests in whatever way they see fit. Alchohol, no alchohol, live band, DJ, aged filet, the cheaper chicken etc. and your guests can choose to leave early if in their opinion your reception is a little less fun than they had hoped. Over time this becomes less of an issue as people who enjoy a drink or two generally steer clear of people who judge them for doing so and vice versa. Unfortunately though, in regards to your fianc, you'll more than likely ne'er have a great relationship with them tends to happen when you force your beliefs on others and treat them like children in the process even if its only for one day and even if its your big day. Marriage is tough enough trust me as a happily married father of two for the past 15 years. Unless your fianc is on board with completely eliminating his family from his life the odds are against you both going forward. Sad to hear but very true. If I was you I'd find a compromise and respect your in laws to keep themselves in check. Otherwise you'll always be that "awful woman" you husband married.

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