Scared to tell older sister about engagement - help?

CeliaKH · May 2011

Hi - this is my first time posting here so forgive me if I'm not up on the rules.

So Matthew (fiancee) and I are engaged, but not "officially". He has asked, I have accepted, and we have a date reserved. My parents know that we're planning to get married, but not that it's certain. Matthew wants to wait until we have the ring (being made at the moment) to announce it.

Anyway the issue is that I have a lovely, beautiful, sister who is five years older (31) and just unlucky in love. I'm so nervous because I just know she's going to be upset. She is such a great person but suffers from low self esteem, and she's always felt that I do everything better than her (not true at all).

Does anyone have any advice on how to tell her or what I can do when the day comes (in about two weeks) to make her feel better? I want to ask her to be a bridesmaid - should I do it when I tell her? She lives far away, if that helps. She has never met Matthew due to the distance, but sister and I talk all the time.

Thanks in advance, brides-to-be!

Celia

Beachy730 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_scared-tell-older-sister-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe6b23d8-1f4b-43e8-865d-9b632dc794b8Post:12626812-9ab4-43c1-9b49-d0c5f5444894">Scared to tell older sister about engagement - help?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi - this is my first time posting here so forgive me if I'm not up on the rules. So Matthew (fiancee) and I are engaged, but not "officially". He has asked, I have accepted, and we have a date reserved. My parents know that we're planning to get married, but not that it's certain. Matthew wants to wait until we have the ring (being made at the moment) to announce it. Anyway the issue is that I have a lovely, beautiful, sister who is five years older (31) and just unlucky in love. I'm so nervous because I just know she's going to be upset. She is such a great person but suffers from low self esteem, and she's always felt that I do everything better than her (not true at all). Does anyone have any advice on how to tell her or what I can do when the day comes (in about two weeks) to make her feel better? I want to ask her to be a bridesmaid - should I do it when I tell her? She lives far away, if that helps. She has never met Matthew due to the distance, but sister and I talk all the time. Thanks in advance, brides-to-be! Celia
Posted by CeliaKH[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It's nice that you are worried about how she'll take the news, but I really don't think you want to convey that worry to her. There's a good chance she would take it the wrong way, like you think she's ptiful or something. Just tell her about it however you choose, and gauge her reaction at the time. If she seems geniunely happy, ask her to be a BM. If she seems stunned or upset, wait a few weeks.

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lazydayz2003 · May 2011

I am sure that she will be happy for you regardless of her current situation. Why do you feel that she wouldn't?

Also, is she not close enough to you that you wouldn't want her to be your MOH? Just asking.

Stackeye210 · May 2011

I think the best thing to do is to just be honest. Let her know that you want her to be involved as much as she can. While you're planning, I know it's not required, but you could make extra attempts to keep her involved and have her help you make decisions. I think the worst thing you can do is sugar coat things. Just make sure after you tell her that all your conversations don't revolve around wedding plans.

CeliaKH · May 2011

My best friend of 15 years will be my MOH. Should I pick my sister? I'd have my MOH, sister, and one other friend as a bridesmaid. Is that wrong?

nordke · May 2011

Is your best friend married? If so, she could be your Matron of Honor, and your sister could be Maid of Honor. That's what I'm doing, but you can always have two Maid of Honor's too.

CeliaKH · May 2011

She isn't married. None of my friends are actually. Many balk at the idea of marriage before 30 and think that getting married at 26 (which is what I'm doing) is a death sentence for my social life! Not sure how some of them will react when we actually announce it - but whatever, I'm happy!

Stackeye210 · May 2011

Celia honestly just enjoy your engagement. You don't even have to pick these people yet. Just take things one step at a time. You can choose to have 2 MOH - or just one. Just take your time.

CeliaKH · May 2011

You're right. Thank you - I definitely needed to hear that!

It's in my nature to be a people-pleaser and this might be one of the only times I can make something about me (and Matthew).

firsttimersluck · May 2011

I TOTALLY know from where you're coming. My sister is three years older than me and is in a BUNCH of rela drama right now. She never has luck with love (not that I have before my FI.. and I'm okay with it now that I have him. Totally worth it

) and now she has to hear about wedding stuff.

She was genuinely happy for me, despite her own relationship issues. She is a bridesmaid, and happy to be. I'm careful to not talk her ears off about wedding stuff unless she asks, or we're talking logistics with certain plans (she lives in a different state). I think your sister will be happy for you, because your relationship isn't hers and she'll recognize that. As long as you don't rub it in and talk about it every chance you see her, don't be afraid to let her know.

em01092 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_scared-tell-older-sister-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe6b23d8-1f4b-43e8-865d-9b632dc794b8Post:368bd93d-5f26-424a-8cff-681a55ae5e78">Re: Scared to tell older sister about engagement - help?</a>:
[QUOTE]She isn't married. None of my friends are actually. Many balk at the idea of marriage before 30 and <strong>think that getting married at 26 (which is what I'm doing) is a death sentence for my social life!</strong> Not sure how some of them will react when we actually announce it - but whatever, I'm happy!
Posted by CeliaKH[/QUOTE]

<div>I wonder what they'd say about me. I'll be 22. =D</div><div>
</div><div>Just wait it out and see. Ask people because they are close you, not because you feel like you have to. At the same time, don't NOT ask her because you think she'd be lame and not throw you cool parties. Let your relationship outside/before wedding stuff define your decision. A lot of brides ask sisters to be MOHs or BMs, but there is no rule that you must. It doesn't always turn out like you think/hope...</div><div>
</div><div><a rel="nofollow" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uninterested-maid-of-honor">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_uninterested-maid-of-honor</a></div><div>
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CeliaKH · May 2011

Firsttimersluck - do you have a MOH? Or just bridesmaids? Or is your MOH another sister? I have just one sister, no brothers. Did you dress shop with sister?

I hope she'll be fine. She is pretty sensitive. For example, we went to the same University (though not at the same time due to age gap) and at my graduation, she was huffy because I graduated with honors and won a departmental medal and she had no distinctions. Most people don't and I sacrificed a lot of social life for academics! I felt guilty because of it when I should have felt proud.

My sister really is a great person and maybe I'm just worried when I shouldn't be - but I feel like I know her pretty well and can guess her reaction. It doesn't help that Matthew and I have only been together a year (considered a short time in my circle) - but when you know, you know!

em01092 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_scared-tell-older-sister-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe6b23d8-1f4b-43e8-865d-9b632dc794b8Post:f2d68251-d634-42cc-9d82-b4319609ccba">Re: Scared to tell older sister about engagement - help?</a>:
[QUOTE]Firsttimersluck - do you have a MOH? Or just bridesmaids? Or is your MOH another sister? I have just one sister, no brothers. Did you dress shop with sister? I hope she'll be fine. She is pretty sensitive. For example, we went to the same University (though not at the same time due to age gap) and at my graduation, <strong>she was huffy because I graduated with honors and won a departmental medal and she had no distinctions. Most people don't and I sacrificed a lot of social life for academics! I felt guilty because of it when I should have felt proud. </strong> My sister really is a great person and maybe I'm just worried when I shouldn't be - but I feel like I know her pretty well and can guess her reaction. It doesn't help that Matthew and I have only been together a year (considered a short time in my circle) - but when you know, you know!
Posted by CeliaKH[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Don't feel guilty. Be proud of your accomplishments. I know it sucks that your sister is not more supportive, but you can't force her to be. It can be hard living in a sibling's shadow, good or bad. You did well and got those awards for you and your future, not for your sister's approval.

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CeliaKH · May 2011

You're right. Thanks! It has actually been really nice to get the wisdom of strangers here. As I said, my friends aren't all supportive of this because of my "young" age. I'll be 26 when married - currently 25. Matthew is 30 so some of his are married.

My sister did have a serious boyfriend recently; they had been living together for a year and had talked about marriage, then he turned around and broke up with her. I felt terrible for her - and part of my concern is that my engagement will hurt because of her failed relationship. We'll see I guess!

em01092 · May 2011

You may just not want to talk a lot about wedding related stuff with her. Talk to other family, friends, and your FI, as well as here! I hope everything works out. Good luck!

nycheryl · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_scared-tell-older-sister-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:fe6b23d8-1f4b-43e8-865d-9b632dc794b8Post:f2d68251-d634-42cc-9d82-b4319609ccba">Re: Scared to tell older sister about engagement - help?</a>:
[QUOTE]For example, we went to the same University (though not at the same time due to age gap) and at my graduation, she was huffy because I graduated with honors and won a departmental medal and she had no distinctions. Most people don't and I sacrificed a lot of social life for academics!
Posted by CeliaKH[/QUOTE]

I know **exactly** what this is like (with my older brother). I hate having to apologize for what I've worked so hard for - it wasn't given to me, as I'm sure it was not with you.

Also, I'm having my best male friend stand up for me and that's it - no siblings in the WP at all.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a PM :)

Good luck!

thesequel · May 2011

I was worried about telling my older sister also because according to her "she is older and therefore should be getting married first". I really don't tell her about wedding stuff...I have only shared the pertinent details so that it doesn't upset her.

Take a deep breath and enjoy being engaged. If you want to talk about wedding, then bring it to the forums here.

Congratulations!

mkrupar · May 2011

You should never be made to feel guilty about your accomplishments or your relationship. I'm sorry you sister can do this to you. I would just announce the engagement to her and gauge her reaction like some PPs mentioned. If it seems like the right time ask her to be a bridesmaid, if not, wait a while for the news to sink in. Stacks is totally right, enjoy being engaged for the moment and don't worry about picking a bridal party yet. You've got time and. it may seem like forever right now, but it'll be over before you know it.

I'm curious about your friends and their views on getting married so "young". Are they all in a similar profession? Did they all grow up in relatively the same fashion? Or is it just that they haven't found anyone so they use getting married "young" as an excuse as to why they haven't done it yet?

firsttimersluck · May 2011

Celia- My sister is a bridesmaid. I have three with no MoH because two of them are OOT I really didn't see the point, honestly. I was going to have my sister be the MoH just because, but my FI couldn't pick a best man (all three of his are OOT) so we just said.. hmm.. screw it :P No hurt feelings, they are all just happy to come and be a part of it. I have just one sister too (and soon to have a SIL), no brothers. Since she is out of town I couldn't go dress shopping with her. I went with my Aunt, Grandma, and FI instead.
I think she would've been happy to go though.. If you're considering her going with you, invite her but let her know that she doesn't have to if it's not her thing or she has other plans. That way she can make the deicision as to whether or not she can handle it without getting envious.

PS. I'm a YOUNGin' too. 22, my sister is 25. :P (The Fi is 28, my old man

)

Scared to tell older sister about engagement - help?

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