Married Hags Come In

bbyckes · March 2010

For those of you who didn't have a planner or heavy involvement from friends and/or family, did you ever feel like you were losing or lost sight of your big picture?

I feel like all my details seem jumbled and non-sensical. I feel overwhelmed and whiny. Everytime my sister seemingly critiques my choices or my ideas, I want to bash her head in. This can't be normal.

My BMs still haven't ordered their dresses, let alone decided on what they will wear. I hate feeling like I'm bugging them every time I send out an email.

I'm a big fat baby that needs a diaper change. WAAAAHHHH.

How did you keep it together? I'm REALLY surprised that I'm feeling this way. I just never thought I'd feel like this.

Brie2010 · March 2010

(lurks in corner for advice)

jasmineh7777 · March 2010

Right there with ya Capri. That horrible countdown on theknot homepage is my arch enemy at this point.

mandapanda78 · March 2010

Well, I did have a planner, and I still felt that way on more than one occasion. I was lucky that I had a great group of BMs, so there were no problems there (although my one BM's husband, who was also the Best Man, just told me this weekend that he would happily set my MOH on fire and toast marshmallows over her... but I digress).

Honestly, by the end, I just de-stressed by reminding myself that none of the details matter in the long run. I know you've heard this said around here a bazillion times, but it's really true. There will be mistakes, things will go wrong, no one will notice all the work you put into those fabulous DIY napkinrings, a guest will momentarily steal the spotlight when she accidentally moons the whole room during the cake cutting (that really happened), and still, you will be married and you will be on Cloud 9. Just focus on what matters: the wedding, the ceremony, your commitment, your love.

Focus on that, and you will be radiant and nothing else will matter. I promise. (In the meantime, take deep breaths and keep your adult beverage of choice at hand.)

danieliza1127 · March 2010

At 4 months out, I don't think I was really freaking yet. We did have dresses ordered by then though.

One trick that I used A LOT was 1) making lists of what needs to get done, weekly so I didn't get overwhelmed and 2) visualization. It's easy to feel like you just have this pile of decorations and ideas, so what I would do is literally sit and visualize the whole thing from when you would walk in the door to our venue through to the ceremony terrace and the reception hall. I would visualize the entrance table, what was on it, what needed to be on it, the ceremony area and what would be there and how it would work, and the reception hall with linens and centerpieces. It really helps to just see it all in your mind of where your decor will be and it helps remind you of things you might be forgetting.

ring_pop · March 2010

I felt a little like that, but not overwhelmingly so. (Or at least, I don't recall... but my H may have a different opinion...)

Towards the end, I gave up on caring about a lot of the details. I basically sifted through everything with some kind of question like, "Will the guests care?" or "Will we be any less married?"

Writing everything down in a giant To-Do list really helped me. I kept my list on a Google docs spreadsheet, so that I was able to access it either from home or work. It probably sounds stupid, but getting stuff down in writing helped to alleviate it from floating around in my head.

Hang in there!

BecW2be · March 2010

Take a deep breath and a GIANT step back. Make a list, cover what you need to in terms of each stage of the wedding, and then put the list away for a day. Do NOTHING wedding related. Pick it back up on Thursday, and jump on each task. Once it's complete, pack it away and don't look at it again until you need it. If you need help from friends/family, ask for it, but don't mention the wedding to anyone who is going to bash any of your ideas. Too little too late from them. You don't need it.

Hang in there! I had to just stop running in circles and map out a good solid plan and stuck to it and it all came together. You'll be fine!

kate51485 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_married-hags-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1238fa9-754c-49d1-97a2-9b9b8942ab79Post:81ae3ee2-74dc-438a-89bb-593289fb353a">Married Hags Come In</a>:
[QUOTE]For those of you who didn't have a planner or heavy involvement from friends and/or family, did you ever feel like you were losing or lost sight of your big picture? I feel like all my details seem jumbled and non-sensical. I feel overwhelmed and whiny.

Maybe you have too many details? Are you trying to incorporate too many things? Is there anything you can eliminate or scale back on that isn't really necessary and just extra decoration or fluff?

My BMs still haven't ordered their dresses, let alone decided on what they will wear. I hate feeling like I'm bugging them every time I send out an email.

It might be time then to do some deciding for them. Did you give them a choice between dresses, or specify a color and they choose any dress in it? If they have too many options and are waffling, maybe they need to have fewer choices. Or, simply tell them that if they do not choose by ABC date, you will decide which dress it is and that they must order by XYZ date or too bad so sad.

I'm a big fat baby that needs a diaper change. WAAAAHHHH. How did you keep it together? I'm REALLY surprised that I'm feeling this way. I just never thought I'd feel like this.
Posted by bbyckes[/QUOTE]

jajph1974 · March 2010

I had a binder with a checklist to keep me organized, as well as a few spreadsheets on the computer.

Just try to focus on one thing at a time so everything won't seem so overwhelming.

Ditto ringpop regarding : "Will the guests care?" or "Will we be any less married?"

bbyckes · March 2010

That's great advice ladies! Thank you. I do have a checklist that I review weekly and have lots of things together. I really like Dani's advice about visualization. I just hope things turn out the way I envision.

I am just really worried that it'll look like a dump and no one will want to stick around to then end. heh, I know... I need to breathe. Thanks for talking me down.

danieliza1127 · March 2010

Well, remember you can't visualize how people will behave or feel. If you start doing that, you're going to have expectations that you can't possibly control or manage. You can just visualize the decor, the set up, the tables, etc.

bbyckes · March 2010

Kate, that might be a good motivation for my BMs to get moving on the dress. I have just asked them to choose a dress in Navy and tea length and they can decide the style they want. I've set a deadline at the end of the month. I'll follow up again with them in a week.

mandapanda78 · March 2010

Not to be completely crass, but if you keep the food and beverage and music going, people will stick around. I honestly wouldn't worry about that. Check that concern right off your list.

danieliza1127 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_married-hags-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1238fa9-754c-49d1-97a2-9b9b8942ab79Post:72f05eee-e7d9-4ba4-9357-082d0f945cc2">Re: Married Hags Come In</a>:
[QUOTE]Kate, that might be a good motivation for my BMs to get moving on the dress. I have just asked them to choose a dress in Navy and tea length and they can decide the style they want. I've set a deadline at the end of the month. I'll follow up again with them in a week.
Posted by bbyckes[/QUOTE]

Also, maybe they're waiting because they figure they can just buy off the rack? If you didn't specify a designer or shop, and they're just planning to find something at the mall or department store, it's a hard sell for you to expect them to have dresses this early. That's one of the downfalls in being so lax about what the BMs wear. Once you give them that much free reign, you can't really come back later and tell them they're doing it wrong.

bbyckes · March 2010

Manda, not crass at all. There will be plenty of food. So, CHECK!

mandapanda78 · March 2010

You know, one of my BMs waited until the last possible moment to get her dress (alterations were finished just in time for the rehearsal dinner). I can't deny that I had a fret fest over that, but I just reminded myself that if she didn't have the dress in time, it really wasn't my problem. She could either get an appropriate dress or she could sit as a guest.

julezlee · March 2010

The visualization thing was really helpful for me too. Then I knew if I was missing things off my to do list.

I was worried up until the day of to a certain extent that nobody was going to have fun. But, like Manda said, I gave them good food, lots of booze and good music and everybody had a great time.

LesPaul · March 2010

Yes. I had never planned or hosted a large party until my wedding, and I often felt overwhelmed. I was terrified that all the guests would think it was the lamest event they had ever attended and leave as soon as humanly possible. I kept my sanity by making (endless) lists and concentrating on what I felt were the most important things - the WP, food & beverage, OOT family, and the venue & music. As the day got closer, I dropped some of the lesser details from my list, and no one knew the difference. In the end, everyone had a great time - even my first MIL was impressed. Agree w/ Manda - relax. You will be radiant.

bbyckes · March 2010

Dani, I picked a designer - they have all the details of the website, the color, the length and the shops that carry the designer in their area. They just have to decide and order. I've even told them that they can alter the dress at a later date (they want to lose weight). They're just giving me a headache.

bbyckes · March 2010

That's very sweet, Leslie. Thanks!

sarabellam · March 2010

I don't have any advice to offer that the brilliant ladies here haven't already done, but I will tell you that I'm working on gettting the number of a caterer that does a FABULOUS job with fruit and veggie displays. Do you still need it?

fallbride1109 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_married-hags-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1238fa9-754c-49d1-97a2-9b9b8942ab79Post:d9bf145d-4ce5-4de1-864b-b421a52cd93c">Re: Married Hags Come In</a>:
[QUOTE]I just hope things turn out the way I envision. I am just really worried that it'll look like a dump and no one will want to stick around to then end. heh, I know... I need to breathe. Thanks for talking me down.
Posted by bbyckes[/QUOTE]
These were my biggest fears as well. It will ALL look just like the vision in your head, I promise!

One thing I am really glad we did is spending a little more for a great DJ. In the end, he made the night for us and almost all of our guests were still there at the end of the night. I remember the dance floor being packed for our last dance and I was so happy. So this is money well spent, IMO.

ETA: Oh my, I just looked at your bio. Your wedding looks like so much fun-I want to come! You have nothing to worry about, it's gonna be a blast!

danieliza1127 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_married-hags-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1238fa9-754c-49d1-97a2-9b9b8942ab79Post:e2cd96e2-d33c-4f54-aab2-5b0c678b06af">Re: Married Hags Come In</a>:
[QUOTE]Dani, I picked a designer - they have all the details of the website, the color, the length and the shops that carry the designer in their area. They just have to decide and order. I've even told them that they can alter the dress at a later date (they want to lose weight). They're just giving me a headache.
Posted by bbyckes[/QUOTE]

Oh that's good then!

mwhitson14 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_married-hags-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1238fa9-754c-49d1-97a2-9b9b8942ab79Post:d9bf145d-4ce5-4de1-864b-b421a52cd93c">Re: Married Hags Come In</a>:
[QUOTE]That's great advice ladies! Thank you. I do have a checklist that I review weekly and have lots of things together. I really like Dani's advice about visualization. I just hope things turn out the way I envision. I am just really worried that it'll look like a dump and no one will want to stick around to then end. heh, I know... I need to breathe. Thanks for talking me down.
Posted by bbyckes[/QUOTE]

THIS. This is my biggest fear ever, and I'm more nervous about pulling it all together more than anything else. That's what I stress about the most. Just know that you are doing everything you can to make a memorable and amazing event, and that most of the crap we're stressing over (THE STUPID FARKING NAPKIN ROLLS), the guests probably won't really notice. Only me and you :)

AmoroAgain · March 2010

Honestly, I picked places I didn't have to decorate for a reason. HA! But hell, if anyone planned from a distance with no help, that would be me. I'd just take a step back and really figure out what you have. Maybe do little drawing or setups to make sure you have what you need and nothing else.

I was freaking out about the dresses but they came in supa fast.

bbyckes · March 2010

Sara, I would love the information. If you could PM that info to me or provide it on Saturday, that would be awesome!

mandysmear · March 2010

I had a break down the morning of the day before the wedding. I started bawling. I didn't want help from family and friends, I wanted them to sit back and relax. Yeah I learned to delagate pretty quickly.

My "mama" told me to write everything that needed to be done on a piece of paper and holy crap did I feel good after.

I made a mini timeline.

ie: 11am - pedicure (manda)
1230 - lunch (me)
100 - pick up tuxes (mike's job)
200 - go home get suitcase and walk the dog (manda)
230 - check into bridal suite (manda)
330 - bring booze to hall (mike)
430 - meet everyone at rehearsal (mike and amanda)

You get the idea. Once I did that I felt 1000000000 times better.

Other than that I was soooo calm the whole way through. Apparently I handle stress pretty well. Go figure.

bbyckes · March 2010

Thanks, Stephie!

morainemom · March 2010

Ooooh, can a married Mom hag jump in with her two cents worth?

I have been lurking and checking out your bio and can't wait until your wedding!
It is going to be VERY nice. You are doing a great job planning and organizing!

Don't second guess your choices -- I am not blowing smoke up your butt, you are going to have a lovely wedding! I really like all of your details and your invitations, centerpieces, etc.!

But yeah -- you are going to have to deal out just a smidgen of tough love to your BMs and get them to order their gowns.

Do you have anyone who can help you with execution of all of your DIY projects?
I will admit that with my daughter's wedding, I just jumped in with both feet and was shooting off ideas right and left. My daughter, thankfully, has exquisite taste and can't be swayed - so she said no to the ribbon wands and many of my other suggestions.

However, she did let me google and search to my heart's content for the bubbles, unity candle, etc., etc. She would send me a photo of what she wanted and I would seach and find it for the best price. I love doing that and it pretty much kept me occupied and out of her hair.

I also help her make her invitations, programs, escort and placecards.

I agree with the previous pps - make detailed lists of everything. Run through the set-up of your ceremony and reception and put the layout down on paper. This will also help you when it's time to set up -- just print the instructions and find some helpers!

Don't be swayed by the opinions of others - your vision is spot on and you will have a beautiful wedding.

morainemom · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_married-hags-come?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e1238fa9-754c-49d1-97a2-9b9b8942ab79Post:9d63d715-cbb9-46b0-806d-fc2238ba698d">Re: Married Hags Come In</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Married Hags Come In : THIS. This is my biggest fear ever, and I'm more nervous about pulling it all together more than anything else. That's what I stress about the most. Just know that you are doing everything you can to make a memorable and amazing event, and that most of the crap we're stressing over (THE STUPID FARKING NAPKIN ROLLS), the guests probably won't really notice. Only me and you :)
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

Whit -
Your wedding is another wedding bio I have lurking on - and I also think you will have a beautiful wedding!

Your details are also great! (Your husband-to-be would fit in with my guys.)
Don't stress - your wedding is going to be fabulous! Stop worrying about those "stupid farking napkin rolls!"

LarissaAnn · March 2010

Oh, I turned completely psychotic during wedding planning. Not "I'm going to fire my bridesmaids" psychotic, but "I'm going to disown my mother and go to the damned courthouse" psychotic, definitely.

One thing that helped, honestly, was hanging out on my club board. I know those of you who primarily frequent the national boards scoff at the club boards, but what you see when you're there is that you're ALL going crazy, generally about similar things, and in the same sort of time frame. So it helps you realize that you're not really losing your mind, it really is the wedding stuff, and it's not just you.

It made me feel better.

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