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Wyoming

thinking about cancelling JH wedding

Well, FI and I are having to make a very, very difficult decision soon.

My father was given a few month to live.  There is no more chemo or surgeries available to him.  The cancer has spread and he cannot buy anymore time. 

Our wedding was to be in 5 months.  The timing of both is too, too close for comfort.  He doesn't live near me, so I'm going to have to fly home several times with FI which will require some extra funds.

To relieve myself of having to put on a destination wedding weekend, cancelling would be the best thing to do.  It would relieve my sisters and mom from the worries of having to travel out to Wyoming each with new babies, and having put on a happy face when they are mourning.

I can think of so many pros for cancelling.  The only con for cancelling is my dad doesn't want us to do that.  But we cannot just go on all happy and cheery so soon.  We need some time.

My dad wanted us to continue as planned, but should the events happen too close, I just don't know how I'll manage.  I want to be there mentally for my family, not switching gears after a funeral to finish up wedding planning.

FI and I aren't sure what we'll do.  We have a few weeks to cancel and get our money back, even if we go over that deadline, we are ok to be out a little money if we aren't ready to decide at the deadline date.  But we should come up with an answer no later than 2 months from today as that would give guests 3 months to buy airfare tickets - a reasonable time if we continued.

If we cancel, we'll wait until the dust has settled, I've healed a little and consider redoing the wedding smaller scale in Utah (maybe a winder wedding and guests can ski, or in the desert where it'll be not as cold), or just eloping somewhere awesome and making it the honeymoon as well (Banff, Hawaii, New Zealand?).  We didn't have a honeymoon planned since we put all our energy and funds into making this a weekend vacation for all.  It's hard to settle when you've had the Tetons planned all along, so I'd want something equally as grand in terms of location.

Re: thinking about cancelling JH wedding

  • I'm so sorry. I don't think anyone here could tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but hopefully it helps to talk it out. 

    While I can't imagine planning a wedding when my dad was that sick, I did move to a new apt., was taking care of a 5 y.o., working part-time, and going to school full-time. When my dad passed away (prostate cancer) it did help me to be busy. If I wasn't busy, I was wallowing. 

    Keep talking it over with your family. Will it make your dad feel bad if he knows you're cancelling the wedding because of him? Can you move your date out and still keep your Jackson Hole plans, just postponed? Would it help your family to have a trip together when the dust settles, whether it's to Jackson or to another destination? 

    I do kind of agree though, that 5 months may be bad timing. You never know how the next few months will go, the doctors can't predict exactly how much time he has, but the next few months will be rough, no doubt. I'll keep your family in my thoughts-I really am so sorry. My dad wasn't honest when he was at that point, so we had no idea he had stopped chemo and we should start getting some closure. Tell him you love him and hug him as much as he'll put up with. Ask him questions and listen to his stories. There's so much I wish I would have done and said but we were all in the dark as to how bad it was.
  • ginadogginadog member
    1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    Yeah, when I told him that I am thinking of cancelling, he was like, "Oh no!  Why?  Not on account of me I hope!"  Well yeah but that was not the only factor.  My mom and sisters would be in no shape to travel, not that my mom is a priority.  She'll do anything to get out of going.  She has too much anxiety.

    Although no one can predict, it's a possibility that they will be close.  The pure probability of it is enough to make us reconsider this.  My dad feels that it will be sooner.  One sister is having a baby this month and another sister next month, he doesn't think he'll be here to see the second baby.  We're flying home in 2 weeks, unless we hear sooner but buyingthem last minute just in case.  Several last minute flights back home are going to affect our funds.

    Although working, going to work/school, taking care of a child all seems like things you just have to do, you know?  We can actually control the wedding, the one of few things we can control.

    We could replan it after the dust settles.  Have it later in the year at Teton Mountain Lodge, near Salt Lake for more convenience, and the most convenient of them all - we just go elope and make it our honeymoon.  Banff, Hawaii, New Zealand and Norway are on our lists.

    Researching it all was fun for me, but executing the plans was really overwhelming and scary.  Altough I am sad I won't ever get that family wedding event (this was my second chance), there's a mourning sense of relief as well.  I felt like I was such a burden on my guests so much for having them come to us.  

    We'll decide in 1-2 months.  One month we'll get all our money back, but no later than 2 months; because that would 3 months for guests to buy tickets should we continue.

    I hope to talk about this more when we go back home.  I'm trying to get this thesis off my plate before things get worse with my dad
  • I'm so sorry to hear your dad didn't keep you in the loop.  Maybe he was scared or too proud.
  • My dad was the kind of guy who took care of everything and everyone but never took any credit for it. I think he didn't want any attention or fuss. In fact, when we were taking care of him at home, he suggested we put him in a hospice facility. We were lucky that there are 4 of us (me, 2 brothers, 1 sister), we all took whatever time off we could & took care of him 24/7.

    I think it's great that you are flexible - many people would just sob over their wedding magazines that they couldn't have exactly what they wanted. The fact that you're keeping an open mind is good - cancer has a way of putting things in perspective. You will never regret spending the money spent to be home with your dad. And you won't regret the choices you made for your wedding-if at the end of the day you are married to a good man, you did it right, whether that happens to be in JH, NZ, Hawaii, or wherever.


  • We got tickets to go home in 2+ weeks.  My mom asked what I was spending on a ticket, and I said more than normal!  But it doesn't matter.  She's like, "why don't you just save your money?"  WTF MOM!?  I told her I won't regret spending a few extra hundred to see my dying father, and I don't want the last time I see him to be in a casket!  I still have a few months!  UGH. 

    We're actually going to JH tomorrow for 3 days.  My FI and I are volunteering with a group from Logan that takes persons with disabilities inot the outdoors.  We'll be staying at the Teton Science School and taking the participants dog sledding, snow shoeing and xc skiing in the park.  I'm looking forward to it!  I've always been to JH in the summer, never the winter.
  • You're right, you will never regret spending money to go see your dad. There are plenty of dumb things we spend our money on in our lives but that plane ticket is priceless. My brother went on a month long surfing trip to Costa Rica when my dad was dying, even though we told him that time was short. He never got to see my dad conscious again and I know he hasn't forgiven himself for it. 

    Your trip sounds amazing! My daughter went to Teton Science Schools Journeys Campus for 3 years. Everyone I met in their programs was awesome.You will love it. We haven't had much new snow, but some dustings over the last few nights should have made it a little prettier for you. Have a great time. 
  • My dad passed away this last April. You won't be able to focus on your wedding, and neither will anyone else. I won't tell you don't get married, but I'm glad that we put everything on hold to spend time to see my dad before he left us here on Earth. 

    You will have some of the best memories with him in the next few weeks/and months. Every conversation will resonate with you for years to come. Do what's right for you, and know that in the end, that's what your dad would want for you anyway.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_wyoming_thinking-about-cancelling-jh-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:134Discussion:adb4dc9c-5b6d-425d-a688-6e3f7b8eca1cPost:4f71c152-18ee-4e9f-bce3-15acb1ccbc9b">Re: thinking about cancelling JH wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]My dad passed away this last April. You won't be able to focus on your wedding, and neither will anyone else. I won't tell you don't get married, but I'm glad that we put everything on hold to spend time to see my dad before he left us here on Earth.  You will have some of the best memories with him in the next few weeks/and months. Every conversation will resonate with you for years to come. Do what's right for you, and know that in the end, that's what your dad would want for you anyway.
    Posted by kitkatchica86[/QUOTE]

    Thank you for posting Kikatchica.  I am sorry for the loss of your dad too.  I agree, if I have trouble focusing now, it'll be worse later on.  Cancelling is the best option and luckily no one is out any money either with only 4.5 months left.
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