Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!

schumacherwedding2011 · December 2010

At the expense of sounding selfish I need to know how to proceed. I have requested that my fiancees step sister be one of my bridesmaids. Not only is she close to my fiancee but she and I are good friends. I asked her to be a part of my wedding 3 months ago, yesterday a mutual friend informed me she is 5 months pregnant . We have gone dress shopping she allowed herself to be measured and never once said anything , in fact the only thing she has said to me is that her and her boyfriend are financially unable to afford the expenses of our wedding so as a show of good faith I offered to pay for her dress that she was going to allow to be ordered in the wrong size and now everyone is telling me shes pregnant but her. I took this issue to my Matron of Honor who is a veteren wedding planner who attempted to take it up with her and instead she yelled at me regarding her privacy . I respect her privacy and can not wait for the delivery of my nephew. But I am hurt she would not tell me not only for the sake of the wedding but as a member of the famliy. I dont know what to do do i buy the dress and if so in what size or do i ask her to step down and try to find a stand in? If someone out there knows please let me know. Thank you

eastunder1 · December 2010

You're an asshole.

kellyjellybelly · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-she-tell-she-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b74c8693-8007-48f1-8a07-a2758efd933dPost:c1b251d6-41ba-42bc-99c2-a95c79de9534">Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!</a>:
[QUOTE]At the expense of sounding selfish I need to know how to proceed. I have requested that my fiancees step sister be one of my bridesmaids. Not only is she close to my fiancee but she and I are good friends. I asked her to be a part of my wedding 3 months ago, yesterday a mutual friend informed me she is 5 months pregnant . We have gone dress shopping she allowed herself to be measured and never once said anything , in fact the only thing she has said to me is that her and her boyfriend are financially unable to afford the expenses of our wedding so as a show of good faith I offered to pay for her dress that she was going to allow to be ordered in the wrong size and now everyone is telling me shes pregnant but her. I took this issue to my Matron of Honor who is a veteren wedding planner who attempted to take it up with her and instead she yelled at me regarding her privacy . I respect her privacy and can not wait for the delivery of my nephew. But I am hurt she would not tell me not only for the sake of the wedding but as a member of the famliy. I dont know what to do do i buy the dress and if so in what size or do i ask her to step down and try to find a stand in? If someone out there knows please let me know. Thank you
Posted by schumacherwedding2011[/QUOTE]<div>I made all my BMs POAS right before I asked them.

</div>

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-she-tell-she-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b74c8693-8007-48f1-8a07-a2758efd933dPost:c1b251d6-41ba-42bc-99c2-a95c79de9534">Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!</a>:
[QUOTE]At the expense of sounding selfish I need to know how to proceed. I have requested that my fiancees step sister be one of my bridesmaids. Not only is she close to my fiancee but she and I are good friends. I asked her to be a part of my wedding 3 months ago, yesterday a mutual friend informed me she is 5 months pregnant . We have gone dress shopping she allowed herself to be measured and never once said anything , in fact the only thing she has said to me is that her and her boyfriend are financially unable to afford the expenses of our wedding so as a show of good faith I offered to pay for her dress that she was going to allow to be ordered in the wrong size and now everyone is telling me shes pregnant but her. I took this issue to my Matron of Honor who is a veteren wedding planner who attempted to take it up with her and instead she yelled at me regarding her privacy . I respect her privacy and can not wait for the delivery of my nephew. But I am hurt she would not tell me not only for the sake of the wedding but as a member of the famliy. I dont know what to do do i buy the dress and if so in what size or do i ask her to step down and try to find a stand in? If someone out there knows please let me know. Thank you
Posted by schumacherwedding2011[/QUOTE]

First of all, she is not obligated to tell you she is pregnant, esp if she isn't showing. Maybe she didn't want everyone to know just yet. A lot of ladies don't announce their pregnancy until after their first trimester or when they start to show.

I think you were wrong when you went to your MOH about this problem. Your FSIL I am sure did not appreciate this. I would be pissed, too. I think you need to apologize to her.

Please don't fire her or remove her from the WP. A pregnant BM is perfectly fine. I do think it was nice that you offered to pay for her dress. Depending on when your wedding is and when she is due, she can wear a dress in your wedding colors and buy it off of the rack shortly before the wedding. Or she could wait until the last minute to get fitted and order it and then the seamstress could take it out a bit if needed.

kellyjellybelly · December 2010

And, your wedding is in June. Someone correct me if my math is wrong here...

[Deleted User] · December 2010

kjb - I meant to check all of that before I responded but was already in a train of thought so I didn't want to stop.

kellya01 · December 2010

I don't understand something... she got measured for her dress... and you are paying for it as a show of grace since they can't afford it... great, that's really nice of you!!

However... the question you need to ask your friend (and BM) is if she is pregnant to make sure to order the right size, or order a size up due to an expanding waistline. Maybe she already talked with the dress shop about getting the right dress and wants to have her privacy about size or something (a lot of pregnant women are size-conscious). Some pregnant women don't make their condition public because of concern for health issues, may have had miscarriages in the past and don't want to get anyone's hopes up, etc. Don't count on the "she hasn't told me she's pregnant" stuff... she may have her reasons for not sharing (OR have you considered that she may not actually be pregnant since she hasn't said anything?). I wouldn't get into her personal business if I were you.

I understand your post, and while your post came off selfish (which you openly admitted, thank you).... I do not think you need to consider asking her to not be in your WP anymore. If you wanted her in the wedding and asked her, PREGNANT OR NOT, she should be in your wedding. Let her deal with getting the dress in the right size. If it comes in and doesn't fit, she may want to get it altered to be more pregnancy-friendly in the right spots, or you may be surprised to find that she has arranged with the shop to have the correct size ordered after all. IMO, you should let her deal with her dress: she's grown-up enough to have a baby and she's probably grown-up enough to deal with ordering the right size dress.

TheCranberry · December 2010

I think you should apologize to her for sending your MOH to talk to her. Clearly she didn't want a lot of people to know. You should have just talked to her yourself.

Definitely don't kick her out of the wedding party. After you apologize, let her know that you don't need to buy the dress now since she probably won't know her size until closer to the date of the wedding. At that point you can order her a dress in a similar or matching color. Ask her what she'll need to be comfortable at the wedding (flat shoes, a chair, etc).

eastunder1 · December 2010

I think its interesting that women in upstate New York gestate for 11 months. Remind me to never move there. Must be something in the water. No thank you.

kellyjellybelly · December 2010

Oh ok, east. I knew I must have been missing something. Unless her BM is an elephant. Don't they have long gestation periods?

nda_roxybabe · December 2010

Yea, elephants are pregnant for a long time. A year or longer or something.

East- you definitely can't move there! It'd be toofar away for me to continue stalking you.

Um, ok it's her choice to tell you when she is pregnant. I'm not surprised she didn't tell you when you asked her to be a BM because for one, it was irrelevant and for another, she was only 2 months pregnant then. I do think it's kind of odd that she hadn't told you guys yet considering she is now 5 months along but maybe there are some other issues that kept her from sharing this with everyone. Why would you make her step down??

MMRoberts11 · December 2010

Keep her as part of your wedding party. You have already asked her to be in it and she has already agreed. If she later decides to step down that is her decision but do not make her make that decision.

kellyjellybelly · December 2010

Roxy, that tree is ginormous.

nda_roxybabe · December 2010

Isn't it crazy? It's 12 feet! T's sister has a huuuge house so it was fitting. She said there was another on CL that was 16 ft.! It would've fit in there house but what a pita to decorate.

eastunder1 · December 2010

Maybe the tree is normal sized and it turns out Roxy and her fellow are just very wee. Get in my shirt pocket, mini Roxy.

kellyjellybelly · December 2010

I like that idea better.

Simply Fated · December 2010

Why are you taking everyone's word for it and discussing it with other people and not the person in question? Please stop the drama and just discuss this with her. if she ordered the wrong dress size as your expense, then there is still time to fix the problem. Otherwise, it's none of your business and stay out of it. And, why would she need replacing? I mean, really?

opalsky007 · December 2010

I'm confused.

There's the timeline thing.

And then I'm confused as to why you expect her to tell you this. Or why you would think it's okay to sic your MOH on her.

graysquirrel · December 2010

If you ask her to step down, it will probably cause a huge feud that will take a LONG time for you all to recover from. Firing a BM is never a good thing because it essentially says you don't want to be friends anymore.

If she ends up with a dress that does not fit, she will have to step down herself. She should know enough to order one that will fit her, and if she does not, she will be the one looking silly, not you. Wait for now. She will tell you in her own good time and soon it will start to show anyway.

nda_roxybabe · December 2010

Oh poo, you caught me East. T and I come in fun, pocket size. Wheeee!

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-she-tell-she-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b74c8693-8007-48f1-8a07-a2758efd933dPost:d3c103b2-2b65-4f42-bbb6-f0642e218a21">Re: Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant! : I made all my BMs POAS right before I asked them.
Posted by kellyjellybelly[/QUOTE]

<div>Me too! And since we had a super long engagement, after we pushed our date back I make them POAS every 2-3 months. It has worked out well. </div><div>
</div><div>I also told them if they cut their hair I would punch them in the face, after I threw them out of the WP. </div>

Lisa50 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-she-tell-she-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b74c8693-8007-48f1-8a07-a2758efd933dPost:0dba62bb-edc8-48e2-a96e-3b80bab660bb">Re: Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!</a>:
[QUOTE]I started to make a lengthy response, but can't do it. <strong><font color="#0000ff">What the hell does it matter if she's pregnant? That, as well as her dress size, are her business. Apologize for sending MOH after her and tell her she doesn't need to order the dress now.</font></strong> Why are so many people up in arms about pregnant BM's??
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]

Agree. Agree. Agree.

As someone who has had a miscarriage (perhaps two), I will tell OP this ... a pregnant woman doesn't necessarily want to tell ppl about the pregnancy until a certain amount of time has passed. And ... consider this, perhaps she is no longer pregnant. My goodness, just pick up the phone and <strong>talk to her</strong>.

aleighk1 · December 2010

OMG. You need to kick her out ASAP. I can't believe she would get pregnant and steal your thunder. What a terrible friend.

But seriously..you suck.

ootmother2 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-she-tell-she-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b74c8693-8007-48f1-8a07-a2758efd933dPost:97b3e790-e83c-4a85-a921-88048c4255bf">Re: Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!</a>:
[QUOTE]You're an asshole.
Posted by eastunder1[/QUOTE]

Merry Christmas, Eastie! I love you

Queen Jane · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-she-tell-she-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b74c8693-8007-48f1-8a07-a2758efd933dPost:0207be34-b43d-4fd8-a1b2-3d2c86017dd8">Re: Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant! : Did you not get the memo that pregnant BMs are thunder stealers?
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Right, because no one should run the minute risk that she might pop while they are at the alter. OP would be clear of that though since if she's 5 months, her due date (estimating 40 weeks if she was 5 months yesterday, for conversation's sake) would be 3 weeks prior to the wedding. BUT then she might actually bring the baby with her, and that would definitely ruin her day. oh the horror... ;)

ootmother2 · December 2010

oh dear.

You said her & her boyfriend. They are such sinners that...well, I don't know what you should do.

Suck less, maybe?

schumacherwedding2011 · December 2010

Ok I appreciate everyones oppinion but the situation seems a little confused... you see she is telling everyone else... I feel as though being a future sister in law and a friend and the bride i should have been in the know... I will not apologize for my Matron of Honor getting involved as the Matron of Honor my best friend is her sister and it was not me "sicking" my moh on her I wanted to know what was going on. So i have decided that I will be talking with her. and She has had nothing to do with the dress all communications with the dress shop are with me as she puts it " i dont know anything about that" so her responsibility gets dropped on me and because i want her in my wedding i take it on.. and then by taking it on get yelled at by her for invading her privacy its a double edge sword i feel . I guess my real question is how to proceed without hurting her or my wp

squirrly · December 2010

She didn't tell you because she didn't want to. And now, you have a family issue that's bigger than any wedding issue. Talk to her, find out what's going on, and appologize for making her uncomfortable.

If she still wants to be in the wedding, talk through her dress needs and get the right thing ordered. And then quit worrying about how pregnant she is in terms of your wedding, and get excited about your nephew.

Finally. At 4 months pg myself, I'm pretty sure I couldn't hide that fact when dress shopping and being measured, even if I wanted to. Not everyone is the same, but I'm pretty average for that, as best I can tell.

schumacherwedding2011 · December 2010

ok as far as the backwoods country white trash comment I was unaware that anything i said on my original post waranted a rant like that. Its not like i said I wanted to kick her out or the nerve of her I was simply asking what would be the right course of action so I dont know what part of my photo that states the things you say they do but Im not the one trying to start drama on an internet web post. Thats where ill leave that.

nda_roxybabe · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-she-tell-she-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b74c8693-8007-48f1-8a07-a2758efd933dPost:979d131c-848d-41e4-9d6c-823a6bd5ed42">Re: Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!</a>:
[QUOTE]ok as far as the backwoods country white trash comment I was unaware that anything i said on my original post waranted a rant like that. Its not like i said I wanted to kick her out or the nerve of her I was simply asking what would be the right course of action so I dont know what part of my photo that states the things you say they do but Im not the one trying to start drama on an internet web post. Thats where ill leave that.
Posted by schumacherwedding2011[/QUOTE]
Seriously? Do you not see how I said my comment, then I had my Sig. pic THEN that comment. It's part of my sig. It was something said to me, not you. Good riddance!

Queen Jane · December 2010

You've already hurt her by sticking your nose in her business, and by having your MOH do it for you. There is obviously a reason she hasnt told you, and I understand you would like to know why, so if you wanted to find out what was going on you should have originally done it yourself. The dress issue remains the same. If it's on you, then you'll just need to find her a dress closer to your wedding date. I don't see how any of this will "hurt" the WP?

Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!

Re: Why didnt she tell me she was pregnant!

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