HELP! My bridesmaids dresses are stressing me out!

Tmdestasio · January 2010

I am having a terrible time picking out BM dresses. I have 6 beautiful bridesmaids with different tastes. But, my main issue is with only one girl. She is a mormon and therefore she can't show her shoulders. I am a bit old fashioned and I want all of them wearing the same dress. The problem is finding a dress that is modest for her that I and the rest of my bridesmaids like. It is impossible! Every dress I find that she can wear looks like a MOB dress or is just plain ugly. I have been so stressed about this that I have changed my colors and my fiance has suggested that I ask her to step down as a bridesmaid. I can't do that, she is my oldest friend!
Should I just pick a color and allow each girl to pick her own dress? Or, she told me that she would be willing to wear my dress for the ceremony and pictures and then change for the reception. I feel bad asking her to do that... but maybe it is what I should do. What do you think I should do? Any ideas for modest, CUTE, bridesmaid dresses?

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

If you're stuck on the matching dresses, can't she just wear a shawl or a matching bolero or jacket with it? I think most designers sell jackets, and if not, you could just order some extra fabric with the dresses and find a local seamstress to make one for her.

And good for you for shooting down your FI's bad idea. It's not worth ending a friendship over a dress, and that's what booting someone from your WP will do. I tip my hat to you for being such a considerate friend.

Arther007 · January 2010

What about a shawl? I was in a car accident that messed up my upper arms. Because of the scarring the bride wanted us to all wear shawls for the ceremony and pictured. They ended up looking amazing and for the reception all the other BM's took off their shawls. They were satin and the same color meterial as the dress. At the dress shop we were able to buy extra material and had a seamstress make them.

SocialWorker2B · January 2010

Ditto the pp. Is the BM who is Mormon your MOH? If so, then she could just wear the shawl as her distinguishing feature from the other BMs. If she is standing next to you, no one will even question why she is wearing the shawl.

If she is not the MOH, put them all in shawls and the other BMs can take them off after the ceremony and she can leave it on for the reception.

Do not have her wear your dress to the ceremony and for the pictures. If you do that, you are basically saying that your wedding day is more important than her religious beliefs. She may not say anything about it, but if it was me, I would secretly resent you.

I am horrified at your FI's idea. It's not like you she is being a nudge on purpose. Major kudos to you for not going that route.

Don't stress over this, in the end none of your guests will likely notice whether or not the BMs are wearing shawls. GL!

cvl105 · January 2010

EDIT: Deleted original post cause it double posted.

[Deleted User] · January 2010

I agree with previous posts. Also I saw a Mormon wedding in which the bride turned her strapless dress into a cap sleeved gown. You could alter her dress in this was as well.

I personally would lean towards giving them a designer, length, and color, that is what I am doing.

cvl105 · January 2010

I think a shawl or bolero is a great idea and your best option. If you don't want her to wear it during the ceremony, at least she'll have the option to put it on afterwards but still get to keep her bridesmaid dress on and feel special!

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

The other thing to keep in mind: your pictures will look much better with a comfortable bridesmaid whose dress is a bit different from the others, than with a perfectly matched bridesmaid who is very uncomfortable. That discomfort will show in the pictures, I guarantee.

mbcdefg · January 2010

I agree that it's probably easiest to just pick a color and a designer, and let each BM choose her own dress. That way, your Mormon friend can pick something that offers sleeves or a jacket.

I don't think it's at all fair or kind to ask her to wear what you want just for the ceremony, seeing as this is her religious belief. She can't just put her beliefs aside for the ceremony.

Plus, I don't really get why it's so important for them to be in perfectly identical dresses ... wouldn't you rather have comfortable, happy friends? I am SO glad that you didn't listen to your FI and kick her out ... that would just be cruel. You're a smart girl. It would be SO rotten to say to someone, "You can't be in my wedding because clothes are more important to me than your religious beliefs."

Here are some pretty, stylish options that come with sleeves or removable shrugs/jackets (so your Mormon friend could wear the jacket and the non-Mormon friends can just go sleeveless or strapless if they wish):

http://watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=2419

http://watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=975

http://watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=685

http://www.latterdaybride.com/maggie-details.php

http://watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=606

http://watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=457

http://watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=405

http://watters.com/product.php?coll=watters&showid=195

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3074691?Category=&Search=True&SearchType=guidednav&keyword=sleeves+%3E+Women%27s+Apparel+%3E+Dress+Shop+%3E+Bridesmaid&origin=searchresults

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3029114?Category=&Search=True&SearchType=guidednav&keyword=sleeves+%3E+Women%27s+Apparel+%3E+Dress+Shop+%3E+Bridesmaid&origin=searchresults

And here's a stylish Mormon wedding: http://snippetandink.blogspot.com/2008/06/real-wedding-saturday-alison-eric.html

secour · January 2010

A seamstress can sew in sleeves. My seamstress was going to charge me $70 for cap sleeves, $100 for 3/4 sleeves, and $130 for long sleeves. I ended up skipping the sleeves and opting for just a boloro instead.
But maybe you could pick a dress that you and the other BM's would like and then the one can just get sleeves sewn into hers. That way everyone would be the same, just with that one difference to respect her religious beliefs. That's what I would do.

balasj · January 2010

I think there are a lot of good options here - either a shawl or bolero or even selecting a dress that will be made in the same fabric but with dirrerent tops. You may find that some of the other girls might choose different tops from one another but it will still coordinate well enough that your pictures look put together without the dresses being identical. And as far as a shawl or jacket goes, I don't think you even need to have all the other girls get one. Even if one or two girls get something to cover up which matches or complements, I think your photos will look great and your friend will be comfortable. Just stick with the same fabric and color and you're good to go!

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

You could also do separates; select a color and a skirt and let each girl choose her own top. I know Alfred Angelo has a couple of tops with sleeves, both in their BM and MOB collections (and AA's MOB stuff is really nice), and I'm sure other designers that work in separates will have at least a couple of sleeved options.

This site has hands down the nicest modest wedding stuff I've seen: http://www.bzzagent.com/frog/FrogWebsite.do?frogIdent=1863112985

quotequeen · January 2010

My BM has a medical condition and as a result doesn't want to show her back/shoulders. She's getting a matching bolero jacket with her dress. I don't think it will look that weird, because I picked a dress that comes in strapped, strapless and halter styles (because my MOH didn't want to wear a strapless dress) and letting them pick between those, so the girls are going to have slightly different tops anyway.

SocialWorker2B · January 2010

Make sure you talk to your friend before you single her out to put her in a shawl. That is why I suggested having everyone wear shawls because if it was me, I might feel a little weird if I was the only one wearing one. If everyone wore them for the ceremony, no one would care and expect that some girls would take them off for the reception.

If she's okay with the only one wearing a shawl, than no problem but I would talk to her about what she is comfortable with before you address all of the girls about the shawl.

Tmdestasio · January 2010

WOW! Thanks so much for all of those ideas! You are great! I think the jacket idea... or allowing them to each pick their own dress is the way to go.

StephanieFaith · January 2010

I can understand completely how stressful that is! You don't want to offend, but i know where you're coming from with wanting everything to be uniform. It looks more formal that way. I admire your respect for your friend! It would hurt her to ask her not to be a Bridesmaid. But on the other hand, it is your wedding. and i'm there too. trying to please everyone and still get what you want... it just doesn't work best that way. I have a similar problem. I love strapless dresses! but there are 2 of my bridesmaids that are on-staff at our church and academy, and they have a "dress code standard" as staff. and they are also very different builds and body types and weights... so i considered using the different dresses in the same color... but that works best for an informal or casual wedding. If that's you then you can get away with that. If anyone knows her, they know why. and will respect her for sticking to her convictions. but the suggestion about having all the girls in jackets sounds best, in my opinion. Even if it's just for the ceremony because they're all standing side by side (usually). BUT on the other hand, if you stagger couples of attendants, it's FAR less noticeable that hers is different! I recently attended a wedding that the couples came in the left and right side of the church and stood on either side of the altar, so it wasn't "girls left boys right", and it looked terrific! very different and creative. so there's an idea.

but i've found through all the planning and "wheeling and dealing" that it all works out. and if it doesn't look perfect it really doesn't matter. You probably won't even have time to notice her dress on your day, and trust me, everyone will be looking at YOU! so don't fret. if it's a preference of this BM, then you could just ask her to do this for you. but if it's a religious conviction, don't risk hurting her or your friendship. You won't be any less married, and pictures will still look great, no matter what you do.

Best of Luck!
Hope it all falls together beautifully for you!

StephanieFaith

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

I've seen bridesmaids in different dresses at black tie weddings. There's nothing informal about it, so long as the dresses themselves match the formality of the wedding. Our wedding is formal, and the girls are choosing their own dresses with my approval.

HELP! My bridesmaids dresses are stressing me out!

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