Rude Groom needs help with invites please.

scorpiorlr · September 2010

We have limited space for our wedding and we have many friends. I know what I’m doing is going to be rude but I really don't care about that and the misses is ok with it to as long as I am rude nicely. I intend to set a hard date for our RSVPS. I am going to include a little slip of paper that says if you don't respond by such and such date you are removed from the list and I will be inviting someone else. If you show up sorry but you missed the boat charlie. So that I can partially appease all the people that say its an outrageous thing to do I am looking for help on how to word this paper. My fiance and I saved our money and don't want it wasted. We are paying for this event ourselves we have a budget for 100 guests and have a list of about 150. If you can’t make it tell me because I know of others who will gladly come and are awaiting our golden ticket.

marissa_claire · September 2010

It's not like it's a "golden ticket" to the Oscars or something - it's your wedding! And yes, this sounds absurdly tacky and rude. It's one thing for guests to be rude, but there's nothing saying that the way to deal with it is to be preemptively rude in turn.

Yeah, we all get frustrated with those people who can't make up their minds, but to act like there is some exclusive waiting list to get in your wedding is especially wrong.

banana468 · September 2010

You're going about this the wrong way.

Invite those you can invite.

Set a response date.

After that response date, call people who have not yet responded.

Absolutely under no circumstances should you EVER say, "You didn't respond on time so the invitation has been rescinded."

Doing what you want to do is just rude. Period. There's no nice way to sugarcoat it. And what would you do if you found out that guests DID indeed send in responses but due to glitches in the mail system things were lost?

Instead, just make sure you account for every response you get. And cut your guest list back so you don't need to do a B list.

Beyond that, stop trying to do something that is not appropriate.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

There's no way to be rude nicely. That's a contradiction in terms. If you tell people that they're no longer invited because they didn't respond in time, they're likely to never speak to you again, and honestly, you'd probably deserve it.

scorpiorlr · September 2010

Its gonna happen either way. I know its a hard stance and I dont really mind being rude. If my guests dont like it then don't come. The only reason I have even asked this question is the misses wanted to me to at least find a nice way to do it. Golden ticket may have been a poor choice in wording but yes I have many guests that want to come and know Im limited. They are not offended by being second listed. I'm sorry but I dont think its much to ask a person to reply yes or no. We have lots of friends who are ver noncomittal to things. Also we do intend to call before we write folks off completley. If I cant get you to commit seeya Ive got others to invite. I dont mind if we have a half empty ceremony its the overage I dont want. Theres gotta be some oway to do that.

mica178 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_rude-groom-needs-invites-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:7d5404ed-ac17-4959-816b-074ebe8a1b2aPost:0b826e13-d7ee-499b-b3ee-68f733f628f7">Re: Rude Groom needs help with invites please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Its gonna happen either way. I know its a hard stance and I dont really mind being rude. If my guests dont like it then don't come. The only reason I have even asked this question is the misses wanted to me to at least find a nice way to do it. Golden ticket may have been a poor choice in wording but yes I have many guests that want to come and know Im limited. They are not offended by being second listed. I'm sorry but I dont think its much to ask a person to reply yes or no. We have lots of friends who are ver noncomittal to things. <strong>Also we do intend to call before we write folks off completley</strong>. If I cant get you to commit seeya Ive got others to invite. I dont mind if we have a half empty ceremony its the overage I dont want. Theres gotta be some oway to do that.
Posted by scorpiorlr[/QUOTE]

If you're going to call everyone before you boot them off your guest list, you don't need to add the slip of paper. There's no "nice" way to be rude.

banana468 · September 2010

Ditto mica.

If you're going to call to confirm the answers just do it. There's no need to put in a slip of paper. Just say, "I really need a firm answer."

But you also need to give guests plenty of time to respond as well. The RSVP date should be no earlier than a month before your wedding.

Muffin'sMom · September 2010

Wow...just wow.

No inserts. Give yourself an early response date, and then call people and tell them that you need a definite answer now due to budget and space limitations.

Just know that people will talk about you! Since you don't care, that's awesome for you. However, it apparently bothers your FW. You may want to take her into consideration.

quotequeen · September 2010

How would you respond if somebody asked you for a nice way to kick you in the balls?

scorpiorlr · September 2010

Wow I am amazed at how much this strikes a note with some people. I really don't see whats wrong with a simple note emphasizing the importance of responding. I think some folks read to deep into this.

If I got a note that said RSVP or miss the boat I would take no offense to it. I would simply RSVP or miss the the boat. I think most of the responses are to overly concerned and or complicating something simple. Truth be told I dont even think its rude. I feel its a fair warning.

My fiance is OK with actually she just wants me to do it in a nice way. Some say there is no nice way but honestly its not a bad thing to behgin with so yes it can be done nicely because its not really rude. Tradition seems to overun common sense in this situation.

How it relates to being kicked the balls really has me confused. Again tell me to rsvp or I cant come and I will rsvp. If I miss out thats my mistake and nothing I hold against the invitee. Obviously I was invited and made the error. People are way to sensitive nowadays.

I am unfamiliar by what the term MUD or Troll is used as or for, can someone explain?

Also back to my initial question, no one anywhere has ever done this? I honestly cannot be the first to question the reason why not to do this or attempt to do something like this?

MyNameIsNot · September 2010

There's no nice way to be rude.

No, no one has ever done this.

banana468 · September 2010

You can't start off scolding your guests. And that's what the note essentially does. It scolds and assumes that they don't know the appropriate thing to do.

The fact that they need to respond by a certain date is enough. And then if they don't respond, you need to track them down and get firm answers.

However to write, "If you don't respond then I assume you're not coming," is rude and assumes the worst off the bat.

How about I send you a present with a note saying, "If you don't bother to send me a TY note, I'll be back on Oct 31st to take this back from the two of you."

Just track down the responses and leave it at that. Yes it's rude not to respond to an invitation but it's also rude to think that your guests are morons and to put that thinking in writing.

jerseydevil · September 2010

What happens if someone's response gets lost in the mail? That's why you call people. Just bc you didn't receive the RSVP, doesn't mean the person didn't send it.

You HAVE to AT LEAST call the people who you don't receive an RSVP from!!!

mica178 · September 2010

To your original question, no I have never received a wedding invitation that mentioned that if I did not RSVP by a certain date I would be uninvited.

Putting "Please respond by [date]" implies that you need an answer by a certain time. After that date passes, it is acceptable for you to contact people to find out if they are attending or not (as PPs mentioned, the USPS is not perfect -- either your invitation or your guests' response could be delayed or lost in the mail). No further words or actions are necessary.

We are urging you to trust your guests to have the common sense to know how to RSVP to an invitation. Please do not insult their intelligence by adding a note to your RSVP card that indicates that they do not understand how wedding invitations work. The vast majority of people do. You shouldn't dumb down your invitations for that small minority that is unfamiliar with formal etiquette.

Kristin789 · September 2010

>>Also back to my initial question, no one anywhere has ever done this? I honestly cannot be the first to question the reason why not to do this or attempt to do something like this?

I've been on TK since 2004 and frequent six TK message boards and three Nest message boards, and no, I've never seen this before.

You could try putting a poem on an insert card, like this:

If you don't return the RSVP card, you and your guest will be taken off the list.
We will need to invite someone else in your place, and you will be missed.
You can still get us a gift, since you were included as an List 1 Guest,
Just have it delivered prior to the day of the wedding and fest.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

No, no one has ever done this. Ever. You write "Please RSVP by [date]" and leave it at that. Banana explained it perfectly; it presumes that your guests don't know how an RSVP works, and it's extraordinarily off-putting.

Just because you want to believe you have good intentions and can phrase it sweetly doesn't make it any less rude. You can go ahead and do it if you want, but I'd expect to get a lot of declines and a lot of people who suddenly stop returning your phone calls.

mica178 · September 2010

I love Kristin's poem. Scorpiorlr, if you decide to use it, I would put the initials "F U" at the bottom like a monogram.

loop0406 · September 2010

I don't think a similar question has been posted.
I understand what you're trying to do but it's not polite.

I wouldn't send out 150 invitations if you can only accomodate 100. Is there space and budget available in case all 150 people do accept ? Does this include their plus 1 (guest) or are you inviting guests individually? If they are married or have a significant other, then you are inviting 2 people and 2 people should be on your guest list. The easiest thing to do in this case is cut down the guest list to closest friends and family.

Simply put: please respond by ___. Then if you haven't received a reply by the deadline, you call them. If you're going to have a B List (which is this case) make sure you send the 1st batch of invites out with enough time that you don't invite your B list guests 2 weeks before wedding.

Plumbb2 · September 2010

Oh give the guy a break. Do I think it is appropriate, no not really. Would I suggest you do it,no not realty, would I be highly offened if I got a note like that in an invitation, no not really.

I can see some of my friends doing this. I think the calling to get a definite answer would work better, but then again if you don't get your call returned then I would assume they are not coming. I plan events and typicaly at least 20% of people who RSVP don't come and 20% of people who come don't RSVP. It tends to even out in the end. I know how frustrating it is to plan for a certain number and those who have not RSVP'd, even though a date is stated, show up like it's no big deal or call the day before and say hey I'm coming.

Judge your crowd. If you know there are some specific friends who are not in with etiquette then send the note to them only. Most likely if they don't follow etiquette then they wont be offended by the note. However if you have some older parents/grandparents that are very formal don't send the note. Whatever you do it will be forgotten after the wedding.

Idea:

Please RSVP by _____
Do to limited space, If we do not receive an RSVP by the date stated above then we will assume you are not able to make it.

Do remeber as the girls stated above some could get lost in the mail so I would again call those who don't RSVP to ask.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_rude-groom-needs-invites-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:7d5404ed-ac17-4959-816b-074ebe8a1b2aPost:0e3a21fd-578f-45cb-9614-7abe32e3911d">Re: Rude Groom needs help with invites please.</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh give the guy a break. Do I think it is appropriate, no not really. Would I suggest you do it,no not realty, would I be highly offened if I got a note like that in an invitation, no not really. I can see some of my friends doing this. I think the calling to get a definite answer would work better, but then again if you don't get your call returned then I would assume they are not coming. I plan events and typicaly at least 20% of people who RSVP don't come and 20% of people who come don't RSVP. It tends to even out in the end. I know how frustrating it is to plan for a certain number and those who have not RSVP'd, even though a date is stated, show up like it's no big deal or call the day before and say hey I'm coming. Judge your crowd. If you know there are some specific friends who are not in with etiquette then send the note to them only. Most likely if they don't follow etiquette then they wont be offended by the note. However if you have some older parents/grandparents that are very formal don't send the note. <strong>Whatever you do it will be forgotten after the wedding.</strong> Idea: Please RSVP by _____ Do to limited space, If we do not receive an RSVP by the date stated above then we will assume you are not able to make it. Do remeber as the girls stated above some could get lost in the mail so I would again call those who don't RSVP to ask.
Posted by Plumbb2[/QUOTE]
Not likely. This is the sort of thing that people talk about for DECADES. I speak from personal experience here.

banana468 · September 2010

Plumbb2, I don't think people plan that 20% of their guests will no show.

We knew that 165 guests were attending. On the day of, we had only two no shows and one was due to illness. Once we had firm #s, we stuck to them and so did our guests. We also didn't have anyone show up and crash.

scorpiorlr · September 2010

I want to thank everyone for their responses and there desire to help. I'm sorry that some had to do so with some sort of traditional or other baggage. For those that say it has never happened...I guess now you can say you have heard of it and maybe it will start a trend where folks are not so sensitive where a wedding invite is concerned.

Honestly if you get offended by a piece of paper that pleads with you to respond if not I am going to invte someone else, then you have issues.

For those that were caty, I'm sorry its not your way but is our wedding. It will happen and it will go off without a hitch. I could actually put that poem and end it with an F.U. signed on it and the folks would know it was from me and not blink and eye. I am a fun loving guy who only laughs in life, they know I take nothing to overly serious. BTW we are not asking for gifts our entire wedding money is going to 3 different charities. If I got a present that said send a thank you back or lose it, if I want to keep the present I would send a thank you.

My whole purpose for asking this question is to find a decent way of wording it, not to be told no or you cant do it. It is going to be done either way. If you have nothing of value to add then move on.

Plumb and a few others thank you for at least taking my question to heart. I knew from the begining that this is not the norm hence the need to see if it was done before and if so how. As Im told by a few it has never ever happened in history so I guess I'm happy to be the first.

I realise not to send it to relatives, but even some of them would understand if I did. Most of my friends know its going to happen thanks to social networking this will be no shock or great offense to them trust me. I just wanted some help on how to word it.

I will go with something like plumb suggested

Please RSVP by _____
Do to limited space, If we do not receive an RSVP by the date stated above then we will assume you are not able to make it.

Again thank everyone for taking the time to respond to this.

ootmother2 · September 2010

This HAS to be a troll. Or the dumbest person on earth

kathrynhabibti · September 2010

[QUOTE]This HAS to be a troll. Or the dumbest person on earth
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]
I agree.

quotequeen · September 2010

I will go with something like plumb suggested

Please RSVP by _____
Do to limited space, If we do not receive an RSVP by the date stated above then we will assume you are not able to make it.

Well for Pete's sake can you at least use the proper version of the word: due?

JanoBean75 · September 2010

Your reply card IS the little slip of paper that tells people when to reply. There is absolutely no need to be a jackass and demand that they reply or you're filling their spot. Give them a date and if they don't reply by then, CALL THEM UP! I guarantee you a LOT of people out of your 150 names will think you're a douche if you act like they're a bunch of dumbasses who don't know how to reply to an invitation. Out of the 80+ people we invited, we had to call about six people. It's not that big a deal to call to find out if they are coming.

JoyMatt424 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_rude-groom-needs-invites-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:7d5404ed-ac17-4959-816b-074ebe8a1b2aPost:5df0a5d0-5173-4620-88a4-eca695ddd257">Re: Rude Groom needs help with invites please.</a>:
[QUOTE]You're going about this the wrong way. Invite those you can invite. Set a response date. After that response date, call people who have not yet responded. Absolutely under no circumstances should you EVER say, "You didn't respond on time so the invitation has been rescinded." Doing what you want to do is just rude. Period. There's no nice way to sugarcoat it. And what would you do if you found out that guests DID indeed send in responses but due to glitches in the mail system things were lost? Instead, just make sure you account for every response you get. And cut your guest list back so you don't need to do a B list. Beyond that, stop trying to do something that is not appropriate.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Yes yes yes. Call people who haven't responded! It's annoying but people will pretty much loathe you if you do what you were planning to do originally.

Rude Groom needs help with invites please.

Re: Rude Groom needs help with invites please.

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