Guest list issue help (kind of long)

Re: Guest list issue help (kind of long)

• tenofcups4me member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Your post is confusing. At the top you say his parents are contributing a bit and then later you say they're not contributing anything.
  
  At any rate, your parents are perfectly entitled to give his parents a number they can accommodate and let them know that if they'd like to invite more, they can pay for the additional people. How much the catering comes to is really immaterial. If it's cheaper than your parents originally thought, bonus for them. There's no reason why it should be a bonus for your FH's parents instead.

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• jmhines47 member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Sorry about the confusion.  At the very beginning they gave us x amount of dollars, and they said that they'll lay out more money later and help pay for the rabbi fees, benchers, etc. but now that it's coming time to put their money where their mouth is, they're staying quiet and saying "we'll see". I hope that helps clear up the confusion!!  Oh, and thanks for responding!!!

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• caraellen23

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Ditto tencups.... a savings =/= more guests.  It just means that your parents saved and they can keep it or use it on something else they see fit.  We also had the most drama with the guest list as my parents paid for 80% of the wedding, we paid for 20% and DH's family paid for 0%.  We had FIL ask to invite a few more people at the end when he saw our numbers were down and he had a lot of people decline.  Unfortuantely, we were hitting our guaranteed minimum and weren't looking to add.  Anyone they wanted to add would have been on them.  It was the least they could do considering they did not contribute anything toward the wedding.

  

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• alinaandjared

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  I think you are in the right. My ILs also contributed, but minimally. It was something along the lines of 15% ILs, 15% DH and I, and 70% parents- my grandparents paid for my dress in addition. My ILs have a small family and while not given a set number they could invite, we DID tell them that their friends' grown kids that DH has either never met or not seen in many many many years (see, I don't even know!) are not going to be invited. There was no argument, however. 
  
  As for your situation, I think YOUR PARENTS need to put THEIR foot down, because honestly, your relationship with your ILs is more important than your parents, and as a parent, my mother would much more readily "take the blame" than have me do it. I think since YOUR parents are paying, they need to do the talking and leave you out of it. I am in agreement that lower pp cost does not mean more people for your ILs. I am not a fan of "we will cover the heads we invite" because who covers EVERYTHING ELSE? If they contributed 5k, and you said they can invite 50 people, thats it. whether the entire wedding costs 10k or 8k or 80k should not matter!

  

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• JoelsGirl07

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Your parents need to be taking care of this. it shouldn't be your problem.

  The Knot won't share my Bump Siggy, so here's the low-down: 4/27/07 - Got engaged! 8/31/08 - Got married (to my best friend)! 12/30/08 - Got Pregnant! 9/3/09 - Welcome to the world, Elias Solomon! 8/16/10 - Got Pregnant, again! 5/14/11 - Welcome to the world, Talia Hadassah! 1/14/12 - Ready or not, here comes #3 (EDD 9/27/12)

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• mickeypotter member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  Mitzuyan! I agree with everyone's statements as I'm in a similar situation. The IL won't pay for anything.
  
  It's great to hear all your thoughts.
  
  Shabbat shalom
  

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• shortee426 member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  I am in a similar situation as well.  My parents are paying for the whole thing, except for what I am able to help pay for.  My parents were nice enough to give J's parents the same number of invites as they had allowed themselves.  Despite FILs statement that they will pay for any overs, we have held our ground and told them no more invites.  My parents do not think that it is fair that FILs have more guests than them simply because they are giving $1k or so.  

  
  

  Do what I did:

  I told FILs that if they wanted to invite any more guests they had to ask my parents. Not me and not J.  My parents are the hosts and therefore it is their decision to add more.  They also have no problem telling FILs that they cannot add more guests.

  
  
  

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• Laurensara18 member

  

  November 2010 edited December 2011

  I am having a similar issue- my FILs won't tell us what they are contributing and are being really annoying about their guest list- which is 150 out of the 200 people I am inviting. I always wanted an intimate but elegant wedding- well it's turning into a circus- my FMIL has a large family that we are close to so I was fine with inviting those people but my FFIL's parents want their brothers/sisters and all their kids invited. So basically my father is now responsible for paying for a family reunion (aka our wedding) for my FFIL's cousins- all of whom my FI has not seen since his bar mitzvah- not only could he not name the people on the list but neither could his father- I literally have mr and mrs carolyn with a question mark. There were actually a few people who there was a question mark for the first and last name because he knew he had a cousin but couldn;t remember their name- the reason why they 'had' to be invited was because since my FMIL's cousins were invited, my FFIL's parents wanted their family invited too. I ended up caving in because my FI wouldn't stand up to his parents and his mother flipped out at me when I said I was concerned about the cost of having so many people- many of whom in the four years we have been together, we have never met. Nightmare situation... anyway I am now up to 200 people and am not happy about it but I am just going to go with the flow and cross my fingers that they end up being generous and not screwing over my father who is currently financially struggling. 

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