Military Brides

Sigh, be honest with me ladies...

So, I've realized lately that my relationship has been nothing short of lackluster and that FI and I hardly interact in positive ways. I honestly don't know if it's a lot to do on my part since I'm always working or at school...and when I get home I'm honestly really crabby and can get really snappy too. :/ Maybe it's just aunt flo talking here, but I honestly wanted to cry today when FI told me that he just no longer felt like cuddling or the like was necessary....and that he just outrightly doesn't like doing that anymore. IDK whether he said that because I've been awfully needy lately, or because he's nervous about his big job interview/test tomorrow (when he gets nervous, he usually wants to isolate himself and prefers less interaction. He's just been really bipolar almost...and kind of an ass. He goes through periods of nice and thoughtful, followed by periods of sarcastic and assinine <--sp?)). Honestly, he did remember my birthday though and was even really thoughtful with the gifts that he got me...but as I told him, just because he gets me material things, doesn't mean that he can be less affectionate.  Those things don't make up for any kind of human interaction and love. Help me out ladies, talk me down from my needy PMSing self or something. Gah, I think I just whiny vented...sorry Embarassed

Edited for missing pieces.

Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies...

  • It's all good. Been there sweetie. Ativan helps...lol
  • ZeldakinsZeldakins member
    100 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited April 2012
    What is Ativan? (is that a stupid question? lol)

    Ah, wait...googled it.

    I could really use some of that.
  • I know this sounds like a bunch of cheese and it is mentioned anytime people have issues in their relationship.  However, I highly recommend reading a book called The Five Love Languages.  I really think it may help your situation.  Besides the stress that you too are obviously expiriencing right now, I think you both speak a different love language.  We had issues with this for a while.  MH's primary and secondary languages are touch and acts of service.  Mine are acts of service and words of affirmation. 
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  • It is not needy to expect physical affection from your partner. You guys are young, no? I really think this is worrisome.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • I had such severe one I was miserable. I just needed to relax. I would displace the feelings I was having and thinking onto my bf. Oh the nonsense we can drum.up in our.own heads...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sigh-be-honest-with-me-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7635a303-86a2-4ab1-a78f-1f8b6c90f2bdPost:c7fe311f-c010-4199-8413-4cdfe2a172a8">Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know this sounds like a bunch of cheese and it is mentioned anytime people have issues in their relationship.  However, I highly recommend reading a book called<strong> The Five Love Languages.</strong>  I really think it may help your situation.  Besides the stress that you too are obviously expiriencing right now, I think you both speak a different love language.  We had issues with this for a while.  MH's primary and secondary languages are touch and acts of service.  Mine are acts of service and words of affirmation. 
    Posted by iluvmytxrgr[/QUOTE]

    Is this, "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts"? by Gary Chapman?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sigh-be-honest-with-me-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7635a303-86a2-4ab1-a78f-1f8b6c90f2bdPost:147f1912-d0b4-4f21-a737-d28dc3257ac4">Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies...</a>:
    [QUOTE]It is not needy to expect physical affection from your partner. You guys are young, no? I really think this is worrisome.
    Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

    Yes we are young, honestly I feel as though he is much younger than I am in his mentality sometimes...we don't see eye to eye on a lot of matters. When it comes to home stuff I feel like my mother's age, which he would have to have the mentality of a 16 year old for. But as far as finances and jobs he acts a lot older than his age, while I'm just learning how to get all my shiz (TK wouldn't let me curse?) straight and get out of debt.

    I think right now the problem may be the lack of communication, we've both have been isolating each other because of individual problems we've been having...(he with finding work and me with trying to figure out how to keep affording school).
  • In Response to Re:Sigh, be honest with me ladies...:[QUOTE]It is not needy to expect physical affection from your partner. You guys are young, no? I really think this is worrisome. Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]
    Stan is wise. I believe this is a red flag unfortunately. I hope I'm wrong, but I advise you to not marry if it doesn't get better. I've been in a affection less relationship/ engagement. It's not pretty, and you certainly do not want to live the rest of your life like that. Rooting for a better outcome for you!
  • Have you done any type of pre-marital counseling?  Fi and I did a few sessions with my pastor who married us, and it really helped.  We were able to work through issues that we already knew were there, and discovered other differences between us that could lead to problems in the future.  We talked about what we needed from each other as far as communication goes, and have both been good about working on those things.  Sometimes we slip back into a communication 'funk', particularly during stressful times like what you're going through, but now we know how to deal with that. 

    And wanting affection from your SO is not needy in bad sense...it's part of your relationship and he should be receptive to your needs. 
  • Yeah, if my H told me he didn't want to be affectionate anymore, I would be worried. I mean, I can see one night if he was doing something or not feeling good. My H knows that some nights I want to be left alone as well. However, to see he doesn't like it anymore? That's weird to me. I would definitely say at least try pre marital counseling. 

    When's your wedding again? 
    image
  • Yes, that's the book. 
    It also sounds like you two could benefit from pre-marital counseling. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sigh-be-honest-with-me-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7635a303-86a2-4ab1-a78f-1f8b6c90f2bdPost:bfa2e1cd-651c-4b88-80ec-30c39402d048">Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, if my H told me he didn't want to be affectionate anymore, I would be worried. I mean, I can see one night if he was doing something or not feeling good. My H knows that some nights I want to be left alone as well. However, to see he doesn't like it anymore? That's weird to me. I would definitely say at least try pre marital counseling.  <strong>When's your wedding again? </strong>
    Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

    We haven't set a date yet since we both agreed that it would be better to to wait and be stable than to just rush into it. He's wanting to get this job that he's been after and I'm trying to transfer schools and also get a better job. We have talked about marriage counseling and everything before we actually get into marriage planning, so hopefully that will also bring to light anythiing else that we haven't encountered.

    I actually brought up what he said earlier, before we went to bed and he clarified a lot of things as to why he said that statement (that he didn't like cuddling and such) and I kind of understand now. Of course he could have said it in a better way that didn't make it seem so indefinite. Saying, "I like to cuddle during times that are relaxing, like before bed or when we wake up in the morning" would have been so much better than what he said before.
  • edited April 2012
    I agree with some of the other ladies this would be very worriesome to me and I would not move forward with the planning until both of you were on the same page. 

    I mean H is by no means perfect but he does little things that shows he cares.  Things like sends me silly messages that start with "Dearest Crown" all love letter type or send little cards that he had written a lovely letter.  When he was home he could not get enough of little things like holding my hand or cuddling on the couch. Like GG, H and I know when the other one wants to be left alone and we respect that.

    Good luck with everything!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sigh-be-honest-with-me-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7635a303-86a2-4ab1-a78f-1f8b6c90f2bdPost:2b655916-b976-461a-b9b0-b74e1841f4ea">Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies... : We haven't set a date yet since we both agreed that it would be better to to wait and be stable than to just rush into it. He's wanting to get this job that he's been after and I'm trying to transfer schools and also get a better job.<strong> We have talked about marriage counseling and everything before we actually get into marriage planning, so hopefully that will also bring to light anythiing else that we haven't encountered.</strong> I actually brought up what he said earlier, before we went to bed and he clarified a lot of things as to why he said that statement (that he didn't like cuddling and such) and I kind of understand now. Of course he could have said it in a better way that didn't make it seem so indefinite. Saying, "I like to cuddle during times that are relaxing, like before bed or when we wake up in the morning" would have been so much better than what he said before.
    Posted by Zeldakins[/QUOTE]

    This is really wise; I would recommend that you look into it sooner rather than later. I would look for a marriage alliance in your area. I know the one here in my area is particularly good, and we paid a flat fee for our PMC that included any sessions we needed to work through any issues we identified. We took personality/compatability tests that the counselor got the results of (we weren't given a copy until we addressed each area in our counseling) that helped guide our sessions. If you're interested in more info about that, we used the Prepare-Enrich curriculum (Prepare-enrich dot com I believe).

    I would also mention that John Gottman has written some very good books. I just finished reading a book called "The couple's guide to communication"- it's an older book that he wrote but still has some amazing advice. We've read the book that txrgr suggested (and it's great btw), we also read the books "Love and Respect" (recommend if you're Christian or at least not offended by the suggestions he makes that reference the Bible... his premise is founded off of a chapter in Ephesians, so... it's got a lot of wisdom, but I can imagine it would be difficult to enjoy from a secular viewpoint) and the book "His Needs, Her Needs" (this was also really good and helpful for both of us). Even after reading these aforementioned books, I really have learned a lot from the Couple's Guide to Communication, and it's amazing the difference I sense in the vitality of our relationship just when implementing some of the suggestions in that book.

    I agree with the other ladies- this is a red flag and definitely something you should work through before you set a date, IMO.
    wedding1 Anniversary
  • My H and I were just in a funk last wknd. I've been a major B because I hate my job and was inadvertently taking it out on him. He was trying to keep me up but burning out and it just came to a head. H also didn't want to cuddle or talk which hurt really bad. Ended with me crying because I felt like a Bad Wife and him mad because he felt like a Bad Husband (always gone, couldn't keep me happy etc).

    Before we got married we always promised to talk it out. During our Pre Martial Counseling our Priest gave us the idea to come up with a phrase to tell your partner when an issue was a really big deal and needed to be addressed ASAP. I said the phrase we talked it out and once we realized we felt the same way but different events we were able to resolve within 10mins.

    If he is willing to talk then I say there is still hope. :)

    I also will second the rec for 'Love Languages'

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sigh-be-honest-with-me-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7635a303-86a2-4ab1-a78f-1f8b6c90f2bdPost:0e89d152-d983-415f-9e94-69c6f246a4e3">Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My H and I were just in a funk last wknd. I've been a major B because I hate my job and was inadvertently taking it out on him. He was trying to keep me up but burning out and it just came to a head. H also didn't want to cuddle or talk which hurt really bad. Ended with me crying because I felt like a Bad Wife and him mad because he felt like a Bad Husband (always gone, couldn't keep me happy etc). Before we got married we always promised to talk it out. During our Pre Martial Counseling our Priest gave us the idea to come up with a phrase to tell your partner when an issue was a really big deal and needed to be addressed ASAP. I said the phrase we talked it out and once we realized we felt the same way but different events we were able to resolve within 10mins. <strong>If he is willing to talk then I say there is still hope. :)</strong> I also will second the rec for 'Love Languages'
    Posted by shan87[/QUOTE]

    See, I love that about him. He's always willing to listen when he knows I have something to say. I'm a talker, seriously...I just love to talk things out and he's more of a man of action (in the sense that he likes to take me out places that I enjoy in order to show that he loves me)
    Example: He takes me out to Saltgrass for lunch and we eat out on the deck by the waterfall and just talk about life and such...

    I didn't want to bring up too much last night since it was pretty late and we both had really busy days ahead of us. I know that after today is over and done with, he'll be more at ease. I'll be sure to bring things up then. :)
  • Also, thank you all so much.

    I'm feeling much better about things today. Smile
  • In Response to Re:Sigh, be honest with me ladies...:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies...:In Response to Re: Sigh, be honest with me ladies... : We haven't set a date yet since we both agreed that it would be better to to wait and be stable than to just rush into it. He's wanting to get this job that he's been after and I'm trying to transfer schools and also get a better job. We have talked about marriage counseling and everything before we actually get into marriage planning, so hopefully that will also bring to light anythiing else that we haven't encountered. I actually brought up what he said earlier, before we went to bed and he clarified a lot of things as to why he said that statement that he didn't like cuddling and such and I kind of understand now. Of course he could have said it in a better way that didn't make it seem so indefinite. Saying, "I like to cuddle during times that are relaxing, like before bed or when we wake up in the morning" would have been so much better than what he said before.Posted by ZeldakinsThis is really wise; I would recommend that you look into it sooner rather than later. I would look for a marriage alliance in your area. I know the one here in my area is particularly good, and we paid a flat fee for our PMC that included any sessions we needed to work through any issues we identified. We took personality/compatability tests that the counselor got the results of we weren't given a copy until we addressed each area in our counseling that helped guide our sessions. If you're interested in more info about that, we used the PrepareEnrich curriculum Prepareenrich dot com I believe. I would also mention that John Gottman has written some very good books. I just finished reading a book called "The couple's guide to communication" it's an older book that he wrote but still has some amazing advice. We've read the book that txrgr suggested and it's great btw, we also read the books "Love and Respect" recommend if you're Christian or at least not offended by the suggestions he makes that reference the Bible... his premise is founded off of a chapter in Ephesians, so... it's got a lot of wisdom, but I can imagine it would be difficult to enjoy from a secular viewpoint and the book "His Needs, Her Needs" this was also really good and helpful for both of us. Even after reading these aforementioned books, I really have learned a lot from the Couple's Guide to Communication, and it's amazing the difference I sense in the vitality of our relationship just when implementing some of the suggestions in that book. I agree with the other ladies this is a red flag and definitely something you should work through before you set a date, IMO. Posted by firemedicrr[/QUOTE]

    I'm glad it worked for Fire, but I am a Christian, not offended by references to The Bible in general, but _Love and Respect_ made me sick. It was that recommendation that lead us away from the chaplain who said yes to doing our wedding and on chaplain search 2011 that actually made me lose my faith in the San Diego Navy Chaplain Corps. I do think it works in some relationships, very specific kinds of relationships, but certainly not mine. I have seen women with low self esteem take that book and completely lose themselves after reading it.
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sigh-be-honest-with-me-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7635a303-86a2-4ab1-a78f-1f8b6c90f2bdPost:6863b5a4-952f-4c16-9084-b756ec6d2ef1">Re:Sigh, be honest with me ladies...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Sigh, be honest with me ladies...: I'm glad it worked for Fire, but I am a Christian, not offended by references to The Bible in general, but _Love and Respect_ made me sick. It was that recommendation that lead us away from the chaplain who said yes to doing our wedding and on chaplain search 2011 that actually made me lose my faith in the San Diego Navy Chaplain Corps. I do think it works in some relationships, very specific kinds of relationships, but certainly not mine. I have seen women with low self esteem take that book and completely lose themselves after reading it.
    Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

     I thought it was a good read mostly because it was eye opening to me as far as ways that a man can view love/prioritize things in a relationship... With that being said, I can totally understand why it would rub someone the wrong way and really probably isn't a good read for persons with low self esteem. I didn't completely agree with all of the points in the book, but found it to be thought provoking anyway. Definitely a book you have to read with an open mind and then decide what, if anything, is relevant to your specific relationship.

    Out of curiosity stan, did you read the book "Captivating"? If so, what did you think of it?
    wedding1 Anniversary
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sigh-be-honest-with-me-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7635a303-86a2-4ab1-a78f-1f8b6c90f2bdPost:719f79ee-a9df-478e-92e5-cf518c478dbc">Re:Sigh, be honest with me ladies...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Sigh, be honest with me ladies... :  I thought it was a good read mostly because it was eye opening to me as far as ways that a man can view love/prioritize things in a relationship... With that being said, I can totally understand why it would rub someone the wrong way and really probably isn't a good read for persons with low self esteem. I didn't completely agree with all of the points in the book, but found it to be thought provoking anyway. Definitely a book you have to read with an open mind and then decide what, if anything, is relevant to your specific relationship. Out of curiosity stan, did you read the book "Captivating"? If so, what did you think of it?
    Posted by firemedicrr[/QUOTE]

    <div>TBH, I read Wild at Heart, and will absolutely not read another John Eldredge book. </div>
    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_sigh-be-honest-with-me-ladies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:7635a303-86a2-4ab1-a78f-1f8b6c90f2bdPost:d3901a8a-3ec4-467a-a90a-b917a12626a7">Re:Sigh, be honest with me ladies...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Sigh, be honest with me ladies... : TBH, I read Wild at Heart, and will absolutely not read another John Eldredge book. 
    Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

    <div>Interesting. In my own personal experience, a lot of the people I have spoken with who don't like any of Eldridge's stuff also didn't like L&R. Just was curious. 
    I didn't read Wild at Heart... all I know about it is that my sister's husband stopped wearing his seatbelt for like a month after he read it because he "was a man that should be dangerous"... riiight.</div>
    wedding1 Anniversary
  • I'm not a beauty that needs rescuing, and my husband hasn't been feminized by me or society. 
    I hate Dave Ramsey
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