Dry Reception-Do we tell the guests?

wittykitty14 · February 2013

Hello, my fiance and I are having a dry wedding reception. Neither of us really drink, same goes for a lot of our friends and members of the wedding party. We also want the wedding to be kid-appropriate, as my extended family continues to expand and we don't want to exclude the children. We also want people to be safe when they leave. For us, not offering alcohol is our personal preference, and has nothing to do with reducing costs or anything like that. It will be 100% dry.

My concern is, do we tell the guests? Some members of my family have suggested that we give people a heads up, because they will expect alcohol. My fiance and I don't think it's necessary, because our guests will be attending to share in the celebration of our marriage, not as an excuse to drink. I worry that if we choose to tell them, will some family members try to sneak in alcohol? Or just not come? But if we don't say anything, will they think that we're being inconsiderate or tight with money? Maybe they'll think we're rude for not telling them in advance? I would love your thoughts on this. Thanks!

brielleinlove · February 2013

I've been to a few dry weddings and didn't have a heads up. It didn't weird me out - in one case, the groom was in AA and very committed to his sobriety, and in the other the bride and groom (like you guys) just didn't drink much, not for any particular reason. I think that if your friends and family know you well, they won't be surprised that the reception is dry. I also think that if people truly believe they cannot have a pleasant time at a wedding without an alcoholic drink in their hands, they might want to reevaluate their choices.

Anyway, the short answer is that no, you don't have to give people a heads up.

AddieCake · February 2013

No. If you give them a heads up, they are more likely to drink before or try to sneak things into the reception or have it in their cars, etc. When you go to a wedding, you need to respect the choices people have made as far as that kind of thing. They will get over it. Just be prepared that your reception probably won't last as long.

Not wanting alcohol at the reception was one of the reasons we opted for a morning ceremony. It lessened the expectation of it. We knew that at night, our guests (and we) would want alcohol, so we went with morning and had only mimosas and a glass of wine for the toast.

sabrinaleslie · February 2013

I don't think you need to tell people ahead of time! It is YOUR wedding and they should be happy their invited, regardless of what you are or ore not providing.

Jen4948 · February 2013

No, I don't think you need to give them a heads-up. You are entitled to a dry wedding. They are not entitled to alcohol. If they can't have a good time at your wedding without it, they are free to leave. It does mean that your reception might empty out earlier than it would otherwise, depending on how many guests there are who want to drink, but that reflects on them-in no way does it reflect on you.

Edited to add: You might want to give a heads-up to your venue staff if there's a possibility that people will try to sneak in alcohol.

GoodLuckBear14 · February 2013

No you do not need to tell them. However, don't use kids as an excuse not to serve alcohol. I'd say the vast majority of us grew up around adults who had no problem drinking around us and we turned out fine...and that includes a lot of weddings with alcohol for me personally.

lyndausvi · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dry-reception-do-we-tell-the-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fe2a4dd8-f5fe-4a6c-ae16-7aa5321a1b0aPost:cb3d0835-0a6a-4265-842c-7783e680ef9f">Re: Dry Reception-Do we tell the guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]No you do not need to tell them. However, don't use kids as an excuse not to serve alcohol. I'd say the vast majority of us grew up around adults who had no problem drinking around us and we turned out fine...and that includes a lot of weddings with alcohol for me personally.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

THIS.

Using kids as an excuse is lame. I also grew up with alcohol at ALL family events. I don't understand the thought that one should not drink in front of a kid.

wittykitty14 · February 2013

Thanks for the tips! I'm glad to see that so far the decision is unanimous. It definitely helps me feel more secure in my decision to not tell the guests. I hadn't considered that people might leave early, but given our crowd, I don't think that will be a big problem. However, I'll definitely keep it in mind! And don't worry, I won't be using children as an excuse not to have alcohol. I was just trying to give as much background as possible on the situation. This really is about my fiance and I, and that we just don't want alcohol. I feel much more confident about this after hearing your thoughts! Feel free to keep them coming! Thanks!

Belais · February 2013

I would say no need to tell them.

My first wedding was dry, but we noted to friends that we'd be going out after the reception to somewhere where alcohol would be available. Most people were fine with this. Just a few notable exceptions...

An Aunt & Uncle of mine apparently tailgated before the reception (which I didn't know about til after the wedding when the pics showed up on FB), one BM had a flask with her (which I found out about, but decided it wasn't going to bother me)..and she/her husband had a cooler of alcohol in their hotel room (where reception was) - they & some other work friends would excuse themselves to go to the "bathroom" to get alcohol. Again, no idea about this til my MOH told me afterwards.

So, yeah, I'd say don't tell them (if they ask I suppose you don't have much choice though)...if they don't know, they are much less likely to bring some themselves. And even if they do do that, don't let it bother you (or appoint someone ahead of time to deal with it if you're concerned it could become an issue). I agree that they're there to celebrate your marriage with you...shouldn't be about alcohol.

mvance3 · February 2013

I don't think a heads-up is necessary. You're right...they're going to be there to celebrate your marriage, not drink on your dime.

bridalmarch · February 2013

I will say that I do expect there to be alcohol (at least beer and wine) at weddings, but alcohol is present at all family events and we drink socially with out friends. I have been to a dry wedding and I wasn't told ahead of time, but I had a great time anyway. I don't think it matters, I think it's just what's normal within your family/social circles.

Summer2011Bride · February 2013

I wouldn't tell your guests ahead of time.

MrsHoward2Be · February 2013

Nope I'm not but they do have the option to buy there own drinks if they want them.

CVan86 · February 2013

I feel like you should give them a heads up so they know what to expect. Even if it's just casually, by word of mouth.

People plan ahead for evenings like this, including their transportation. Families might not realize it's dry and arrange for a babysitter for their kids. They might make arrangements for a taxi, for example, if they intend to drink, only to be surprised when they arrive.

Yes, the guests are there to celebrate your marriage, but you don't want your special day tainted by complaining guests. You can never please everyone, but your guests at least deserve a heads up. It seems dishonest not to tell them, especially if they are expecting it.

That being said, your family and friends know you well enough, so if this is the norm within your circles, maybe they wouldn't arrive expecting any alcohol to be served anyhow. Ultimately its your day - you and your fiance should do what is best for you and your families.

ally91 · February 2013

I'm also having a completely dry wedding, for pretty much the same reasons as you mentioned, and I'm not advertising it, but I'm also not hiding it. One of my co-workers mentioned getting a drink there and I told her immediately that it was going to be a dry wedding, just so there was no confusion. Other than that, I haven't put it on our website, or gone out of my way to tell people at all. Ultimately it's your day and you can do what you and your fiance want

grizzly04 · February 2013

If you want a dry wedding then have a dry wedding. We are as well, but our reception is early in the afternoon. The reason we are doing this is because 1) We have family members that can not control themselves and their is too much drama 2) the wedding is out in the country and there is water on the property. We are offering different drinks and if people don't like it they can leave.

I drink, but I think drinking gotten out of hand also since you have young children there it will be better. I really like how you considered the children. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and I wish you many years of happiness with your husband :-)

Sspencer89 · February 2013

we probably would have done no alcohol if it wasnt include because we dont really drink ourselves. though my side of the family (aunts, uncles, cousins) drink like fish. the open bar came with the package we had. i am not having the bar open until 7pm though so if anyone wants a drink before there a bar in the lobby they can go buy their own

toomuchfun89 · February 2013

If I were thinking of attending your wedding, I would want to know that it was dry, and then I wouldn't go. I totally own up to the fact that that's shallow, but that's where the fun is. That's why I'm having an evening wedding with an open bar and not allowing children under 18. I'm young, fun, and so are all of my friends. A wedding is already so self-indulgent in the first place, and most people invite more than just their super close friends. I went to one wedding of a high school friend where it was dry... and I made a vow to never go to a dry wedding again. No one was dancing... everyone pretty much just sat around until it was acceptable to leave (after eating).

Just my opinion, though.

Razzee · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dry-reception-do-we-tell-the-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fe2a4dd8-f5fe-4a6c-ae16-7aa5321a1b0aPost:4dee618a-da77-4c8a-a479-5aeb4d25d241">Dry Reception-Do we tell the guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello, my fiance and I are having a dry wedding reception. Neither of us really drink, same goes for a lot of our friends and members of the wedding party. We also want the wedding to be kid-appropriate, as my extended family continues to expand and we don't want to exclude the children. We also want people to be safe when they leave. For us, not offering alcohol is our personal preference, and has nothing to do with reducing costs or anything like that. It will be 100% dry. My concern is, do we tell the guests? Some members of my family have suggested that we give people a heads up, because they will expect alcohol. My fiance and I don't think it's necessary, because our guests will be attending to share in the celebration of our marriage, not as an excuse to drink. I worry that if we choose to tell them, will some family members try to sneak in alcohol? Or just not come? But if we don't say anything, will they think that we're being inconsiderate or tight with money? Maybe they'll think we're rude for not telling them in advance? I would love your thoughts on this. Thanks!
Posted by wittykitty14[/QUOTE]

You mention that you really do not drink-but you do in a way! Heres the thing--its your wedding-the biggest party in town. YOU DO YOU!!. GUEST WILL HAVE ANOTHER TIME TO DRINK. KEEP THEM ENTERTAINED AND THEY WILL NOT MISS THE ALCOHOL.DO NOT TELL THEM. CONGRATULATIONS.

ac411020 · February 2013

YES you should absolutely tell your guests. If I showed up to a wedding expecting a drink and there wasn't any alcohol I would be PISSED. Yes it's your wedding and you should have what you want, but you should warn people by doing something when doing something so out of the norm.

ashartman · February 2013

I would suggest telling your guests, mainly because I think that sharing your decision and your reasons for it will make you, your families, and your guests more comfortable on your big day. You won't be wondering what people think about your decision and your reasons for it (assuming you're being cheap, etc.), and you also avoid the possibility of being asked 100 times at the reception "where can I get a gass of wine?" I think by expressing your wishes and your reasons to your guests, you decrease the chances of them sneaking in alcohol. And I think that if they find out when they arrive and don't know your reasons, some could leave the reception to go stock a cooler and drink in the parking lot. I agree that your guests should respect your decision on this, and that the celebration should be about your wedding and not about drinking. Up-front communication might be the best way to make sure that happens. Just my opinion, and I hope everything goes beautifully!

Hollis2013 · February 2013

I wouldn't bother telling people. If anyone specifically asks, then let them know. But if most of your friends don't drink or have kids so they wouldn't be drinking very much anyway, then they shouldn't be bothered. We're only offering beer & wine and that IS a money decision, but we didn't feel the need to let people know that.

lyndsay782 · February 2013

We are having a dry wedding for religious reasons and personal ones, and our reception venue is 100% alcohol free (it's also free for us to rent because of that). I am putting that as a note on our wedding website, because if someone tries to bring any onsite, we will have to ask them to leave.

So, we want to make sure people know up front that it won't be there, won't be offered, and that they can't sneak it in. I'm not going to risk the whole reception for a couple of stupid people who can't handle being sober for one day. We are also ending the reception early, so that people who do insist on having drinks can do so when they get home.

If someone can't handle giving up alcohol for a few hours to witness the wedding of a family member, and decides that a dry wedding is reason for them not to come, then at least telling them up front means I don't have to pay for their food, only for them to leave when they find out.

irvatom1 · February 2013

Yes You tell your guests and reasoning behing the Dry Wedding. I have not yet seen a single Valid reason as to why your keeping this dry, except cost, generally the reason one sites is generally the real reason, the only VALID REASON I have seen is the bride with religous and the Venue's contigence on the venue for no alcohol. I too stress the guests leaving our home after boozing all day, however this why 1 must higher icensed pofessional, not just a liquor license but liability and their form of dram insurance, on top of which I am purchasing a separate one day liability policy to have that coverage just in case, on top of which even though I live in a rural location I am also highering a police officer to hang aoiund out front, all the guests are being shuttled in due to the obstruction to the narrow live on, also hoopefully seving as an added reminder too drink responsibly, but remember we would all feel terrible but it doesn't matter if it's a private home or a factoy venue, either way ther horror is the same, God forbid. As too why this is other than Cost, please don't blame the kids, It's a celebration. YES IT IS YOU DAY and you inviting others to join in that celebration. I don't care if you drink or not, most do especially at weddings, I don't drink at all. Personally I would take my card out to my car and cut your cash in envelope accordingly, especially if Not informed, if I was informed I would still come & give your gift but there is no reason except you are worried people will not show, or sneak. Tthis should be your answer, all brides are self absorbed enough myself included. I DON'T DRINK!!! SO if that helps any, please don't mis-understand the cost can be over whelming, we are all cunching and re-crunching the numbers, especially if it is not factory style wedding. However even caterers limit the amount of dinks and offer champange toasts fairly standard in New England were I am from, even with limited alcohol, as full premium open bar is a healthy charge, were I am from. This is not the guests fault all they did was say yes TO YOUR CELEBRATION, which is a long day of endless mind numbing traditions face it, some of it's fun, but it flies by, most cases all these people have had to already spend time, money beyond their gifts for YOU but thats life you care enough to share for their gifts, But not enough to buy them a drink after months of events for you already? FOWL! Oh & Cash bar is never acceptable ladies EVER!

Becky683 · February 2013

You don't have to tell the guests that it's a dry reception. It's YOUR wedding. If you want to have a dry reception and celebrate with a group of sober friends and family than more power to you. This is one of the reasons I argued strongly for a dry reception for my wedding. I told my fiancee that I would look at it as insult for people to celebrate MY wedding by getting drunk because they couldn't figure out any other way to have fun and celebrate than by getting plastered.

There's always going to be something about the wedding and reception that your guests can complain about but ultimately it is your wedding. They can do what they want at their weddings and can get married and plan their receptions how they want, but this is YOUR wedding. No one can dictate how you celebrate your wedding but you. And those who think that there is no other way to show gratitude or celebrate a wedding than to drink are missing out on some great times sans alcohol.

wittykitty14 · February 2013

Thanks for the continued advice. It has given me other perspectives to keep in mind as we continue the planning. That said, I'm still leaning towards not telling people (at least not explicitly). My fiancee and have talked to a lot of family and friends about the wedding, and during those conversations we've mentioned that its dry. Not one of them is upset about it. They've said they don't care. Some are actually happy we're doing it that way. Most of our guests know we don't really drink, and they respect our choices. There's really only 1-2 people on my side that might not like the dry wedding (and they'll tell me-they're very judgemental and don't hide it), and they're the only ones I'm worried would sneak in alcohol if they knew it was dry.

To the previous comment who claims I don't have a valid reason for having it dry, I'll give you one. I felt it was unnessary to mention in my original post, but sometimes I get really uncomfortable around alcohol. People change when they're under the influence, and I don't want that at my wedding. It will make me very tense during the reception. Again, it's MY wedding, and the choice to have it dry was not up for discussion here.

I do appreciate having the feedback from all angles, it's helpful. My fiancee and I will continue to tell people that it's dry as the topic comes up, but we're not going to put it right up there on our website. We don't feel we're being dishonest, and at this point I'm not too worried about it. You can't please everyone. Seeing some of the posts telling me that it's rude not to tell the guests has only made me more positive that we're not going to. The majority of our guests will understand. Given our crowd, I'm sure it will turn out fine. Thanks

ElBax · February 2013

Tell them. If they don't want to come, that should be their choice. If they're adults and sneak alcohol and you're not even aware of it, has it really hurt anything? Weddings can be tense times for a lot of people. Sometimes families have uncomfortable rifts within them. Sometimes new families are having a difficult time adjusting to one another. A mother is having to say goodbye to her little girl. Suddenly, a sister is losing her sister/roommate/best friend to her sister's new husband. Sometimes some of the guests might not know that many of the other guests and might not feel all that comfortable. A Maid of Honor, or Father of the Groom may have anxiety about public speaking and the speech they are expected to give. A cousin may just be socially anxious around family she feels she doesn't know all that well. Folks may feel awkward being the only/first people on the dance floor. Alcohol can calm those nerves and make people feel more at ease and less inhibited in interacting with each other and having a good time. It is certainly not your duty to provide it, but as a socially anxious person myself who expects the option to be there, I would be disappointed/anxious/frustrated, perhaps sorry I spent half my day getting prepared and driving to a distant location, etc... I'd probably come either way if I knew in advance, but would be able to emotionally prepare myself a bit more if I knew the score in advance. Perhaps even bring some anti-anxiety medication for a situation that may be fairly uncomfortable for me.

irvatom1 · February 2013

Well Now Their is a valid reason after all, If YOU are weirded out by Drunk people then their you go, You have a reason, If your close freinds are reasonible, it's obviously not your close family your worried about, Point taken, this is why we are airing are concerns & great ideas and finds , I also want the truth. No ones the guy that gets creepy after a few drinks. I have even been to wedding were a couple raffle type tickets were handed out with a clear these are for your alotted drinks, also more are not available for purchase drink carefuly, thats the caterers way of doing it. I just know how people perceive things, I am having a tented reception, this is not a bbq type, I have people thinking I am doing it to save monay!!!! LMAO, Little do they or will they, its the same to go to comparable venue, the venue, Nice Venues.

I am just playing devils advocate, I owned a bar and a banquet facility sometime ago and I am just giving an honest, you shouldn't all that you are spending to creeped out by someone, a simple champagne toast or memosa are fine some of those ealy AM brunch type receprions! I would tell people as needed, if they booze that eatly just wow!

I would tell them, just to be safe, If they complain just say, What was I thinking , well it is after all 5' O'clock some where right ____ (inset name here) looked appropriatelt appualled, rolls eyes, laugh off & excuse yourself, walk OFF!!! Good Luck and all the Happiness to You both.!

jessica.juliet · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_dry-reception-do-we-tell-the-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fe2a4dd8-f5fe-4a6c-ae16-7aa5321a1b0aPost:aa82103e-d32a-4d5d-9385-9e70b266231e">Re: Dry Reception-Do we tell the guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well Now Their is a valid reason after all, If YOU are weirded out by Drunk people then their you go, You have a reason, If your close freinds are reasonible, it's obviously not your close family your worried about, Point taken, this is why we are airing are concerns & great ideas and finds , I also want the truth. No ones the guy that gets creepy after a few drinks. I have even been to wedding were a couple raffle type tickets were handed out with a clear these are for your alotted drinks, also more are not available for purchase drink carefuly, thats the caterers way of doing it. I just know how people perceive things, I am having a tented reception, this is not a bbq type, I have people thinking I am doing it to save monay!!!! LMAO, Little do they or will they, its the same to go to comparable venue, the venue, Nice Venues. I am just playing devils advocate, I owned a bar and a banquet facility sometime ago and I am just giving an honest, you shouldn't all that you are spending to creeped out by someone, a simple champagne toast or memosa are fine some of those ealy AM brunch type receprions! I would tell people as needed, if they booze that eatly just wow! I would tell them, just to be safe, If they complain just say, What was I thinking , well it is after all 5' O'clock some where right ____ (inset name here) looked appropriatelt appualled, rolls eyes, laugh off & excuse yourself, walk OFF!!! Good Luck and all the Happiness to You both.!
Posted by irvatom1[/QUOTE]

<span style="color:#1f1f1f;font-size:5pt;">YES! Please tell your guests. I have never been to a dry reception...I get it people do it but I really think you should tell your guests. My personal opinion is the only reason I need a venue to host is because I cannot have a party at my house for that many people. My venue/evening is like a dinner party I am hosting. I ALWAYS serve wine with dinner parties and a dry reception would be very very very bad for me and my fiancée would never except that either. We are not big drinkers, but while the wedding is about us, I want my guests to me happy. I went to a dry baptism and I was mortified...no wine with my meal!

I should also note, were Italian/Portuguese background which means a) we give money as a gift (never less than $250 for weddings, usually $300) and when people give those gifts they expect that a good dinner is provided (including booze, dessert, midnight dessert and seafood...) The idea that we "cover our plate" and include a gift. We're also Canadian and I have noticed Canadian weddings are very different from American ones - least what they show on TV!

I hope I mean no offence...just my personal opinion.</span><span style="color:#1f1f1f;font-size:5pt;"> </span>

BridgetKH · February 2013

Good hosting ettiquette says you should always offer drinks to your guests. They are giving gifts, traveling, and more. Just because you don't drink, doesn't mean they don't deserve a glass of wine (if they're interested). If cost isn't a problem, then why are you excluding options for your guests? Just because I don't like fish, doesn't mean I won't have a variety of options (chicken, fish, steak) available for our party. You want everyone to feel comfortable and happy. People will notice, and it will become a topic of conversation - and it shouldn't be. The day should be about your two, and a celebration. Don't make it about anything else, and please, offer your guests a drink.

smoor · February 2013

I am not telling my guests.

Dry Reception-Do we tell the guests?

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