Tuesday Questions

Resa77 · October 2012

Feel free to add more questions

1. Have you ever not attended a wedding because you questionted the validity of it, or the seriousness of the relationship, etc? How did you come to your decision? Do you regret it?
2. Have you ever attended a wedding where you were concerned about the outcome, or about the validity of the marriage? How did you come to that decision, and do you regret it?
3.. Did anyone/has anyone expressed doubt or concern regarding your marriage? Did someone not attend? How did you deal with it?

Resa77 · October 2012

1. Have you ever not attended a wedding because you questionted the validity of it, or the seriousness of the relationship, etc? How did you come to your decision? Do you regret it?
As a child I wasn't allowed to attend my brother's JP wedding since it was outside the Church, and his previous marriage hadn't been annulled. It wasn't really my decision, as my parents decided for me.
2. Have you ever attended a wedding where you were concerned about the outcome, or about the validity of the marriage? How did you come to that decision, and do you regret it?
I have gone to weddings where I doubted the health of the relatioship, and was perhaps concerned about impediments to the marriage. I ultimately decided to attend because I realized that me not going wouldn't change their mind, and it woud ruin my friendship. I made my concerns pretty clear, though, so there wasn't much question about how I felt. I was happy for the couples at each of these weddings, and I certainly hope none of them divorce. I guess I was more concerned about age for a couple, or about length of the relationship and past dating patterns for others.
3.. Did anyone/has anyone expressed doubt or concern regarding your marriage? Did someone not attend? How did you deal with it?
No one expressed any concern to me or H. Everyone seemed really happy, and no one ever said anything negative to me.

professorscience · October 2012

1. Have you ever not attended a wedding because you questionted the validity of it, or the seriousness of the relationship, etc? How did you come to your decision? Do you regret it?

Not that I can recall. Growing up protestant, I don't ever really remember hearing any concerns over the validity of a marriage.
2. Have you ever attended a wedding where you were concerned about the outcome, or about the validity of the marriage? How did you come to that decision, and do you regret it?

Everyone I knew who got married right out of high school, I definitely worried about them. My cousin got married only after he got his girlfriend pregnant, so I think we were all a little concerned about that, but it's been 5 years and they're still very happy. And I was actually a bridesmaid for one of my friends who, for a time, we all thought was only getting married because she was pregnant, and a few of us actually voiced our concerns, but she and her husband actually seem perfect for each other so I think they're going to be strong.
3.. Did anyone/has anyone expressed doubt or concern regarding your marriage? Did someone not attend? How did you deal with it?

My grandpa called me up and told me he did not agree with me having a Catholic wedding, that I was raised in the Church of Christ and that I knew better. He threatened not to come, although I'm pretty sure my grandma convinced him to. Both my grandparents ended up skipping because my grandma had heart surgery just a month before the wedding, and they said they found themselves exhausted just driving an hour to get to church, so they didn't think they could make it from North Oklahoma to Dallas. I have my suspicions that they just weren't comfortable coming, but there's really nothing I can do. Since our wedding, I've spoken to my grandma once, and it was to thank me for sending her a Mother's Day card. She apparently asks my mom about me all the time, which is pretty sad, I guess, but they're just not okay with me being Catholic and being married to a Catholic (which is pretty silly by itself since my dad was Catholic and considered himself such until I was 12). At some point you just have to be like, "Okay. It's fine that you feel this way. Enjoy excluding yourself from my life and the lives of my future kids, I guess."

Calypso1977 · October 2012

1. Have you ever not attended a wedding because you questionted the validity of it, or the seriousness of the relationship, etc? How did you come to your decision? Do you regret it?
similar to Resa, my parents, sister and i never attended the second and third weddings of my aunts and uncle because first marriages had been in the church and no annulments. it wasnt my decision, but now i agree with the choice my parents made (with the exception of one of my aunts, only because she consciously left the church and does not receive or call herself a catholic any longer - the others claim to still be catholic despite their choices).

2. Have you ever attended a wedding where you were concerned about the outcome, or about the validity of the marriage? How did you come to that decision, and do you regret it? ive gone to weddings of friends that were civil ceremonies and i know one or the other was baptized catholic, but again, no longer practicing so i felt it was ok even tho technically it really wasnt.

3.. Did anyone/has anyone expressed doubt or concern regarding your marriage? Did someone not attend? How did you deal with it? Yes on the doubt/concern, but no one chose not to attend because of it.

bibliophile2010 · October 2012

1. No. Until recently, it never crossed my mind to consider it. Now, I would likely be more scrupulous.

2. I can think of two situations I have known about that I had major concerns. One couple has had lots of ups andd downs, but seem to be ok now. The other, were rushing because of pregnancy and had a civil ceremony while waiting for annullments. They have all kinds of issues now, and I pray for them a lot.

3. No. Everyone was super-excited for us.

Riss91 · October 2012

1. Have you ever not attended a wedding because you questionted the validity of it, or the seriousness of the relationship, etc? How did you come to your decision? Do you regret it?
No. It hasn't ever been so dire that I felt I couldn't attend.

2. Have you ever attended a wedding where you were concerned about the outcome, or about the validity of the marriage? How did you come to that decision, and do you regret it?
Yes - mainly I worried that the couple wasn't committed to marriage as a life-long commitment. There were a few that I was glad to not be asked to be included in the bridal party. As far as Catholics not being married in the Church - if they no longer considered themselves Catholic, I would feel much more comfortable attending than if they were practicing. Also - there have been some Catholic weddings within the Church that I was a bit concerned about. Mainly due to the couple not necessarily wanting children. In most cases I choose to pray for them and be someone that they could rely on for support and guidance. I think if I chose not to attend, I would no longer be close enough to them to help them...

3.. Did anyone/has anyone expressed doubt or concern regarding your marriage? Did someone not attend? How did you deal with it?
Nope!

itzMS · October 2012

1. Have you ever not attended a wedding because you questionted the validity of it, or the seriousness of the relationship, etc? How did you come to your decision? Do you regret it?
I have skipped a few PPD's...but I generally attend all weddings I'm invited to, given no prior scheduling conflicts
2. Have you ever attended a wedding where you were concerned about the outcome, or about the validity of the marriage? How did you come to that decision, and do you regret it?
Yes. One, I was convinced the groom only wanted to get married for the party (and that was the case, they were divorced less than a year later). The second was just recently for my lifelong friend's wedding. I was asked to be a bridesmaid, and I did stand up. She and now DH have been together for several roller coaster years. Lots of emotional infidelity. It felt like they got married just to try to change things. I hope it lasts, but I'm really not sure.
3.. Did anyone/has anyone expressed doubt or concern regarding your marriage? Did someone not attend? How did you deal with it?
Thankfully, no.

erin5286 · October 2012

1. Have you ever not attended a wedding because you questionted the validity of it, or the seriousness of the relationship, etc? How did you come to your decision? Do you regret it?
No. I really haven't been to many weddings, and I had never even thought to question validity until the topic came up on this board. It's something I'll probably pay more attention to now, but I don't think that I'd ever not attend a wedding just on questions of validity alone.

2. Have you ever attended a wedding where you were concerned about the outcome, or about the validity of the marriage? How did you come to that decision, and do you regret it?
Not really - one friend I worry about a bit because there was an instance of abuse in their relationship. I voiced my concerns to her about what happened at the time, but they worked through it and seem to be fine now.

3.. Did anyone/has anyone expressed doubt or concern regarding your marriage? Did someone not attend? How did you deal with it?
No, everyone has been really excited for us. I know both of our sets of parents are happy that we're having a wedding in the Catholic church. From what I've heard, FI's mom was somewhat upset that his older brother married in a Lutheran church, so I know she's happy that FI is marrying a Catholic

Resa77 · October 2012

I have been to non-Church weddings of baptized Catholics, but they were no longer practicing, as in converted to another faith or specifically renounced their faith, and so I was comfortable doing so.

Probably the most uncomfortable for me was when my very good friend got married. I just didn't have a good feeling about her H. TI don't hate him or anything, but I feel really sad for her because he's not a real participant in their marriage or in raising their kids. From the moment she started dating him, I let my feelings be known, and even stopped speaking to her. Eventually I realized she was going to make her own choices, and so I supported her despite not necessarily lilking her choices. I'm glad I decided to keep being friends with her, because I think my friendship has been a good influence and a source of strength for her.

mcda04 · October 2012

Have you ever not attended a wedding because you questionted the validity of it, or the seriousness of the relationship, etc? How did you come to your decision? Do you regret it?
Not yet but my In-laws are making a royal issue over my BIL's engagement because my BIL and his Fiancée don't have a religion. My MIL has informed me she and my FIL will not attend and are upset that DH and I will.

2. Have you ever attended a wedding where you were concerned about the outcome, or about the validity of the marriage? How did you come to that decision, and do you regret it?
Yes. My sister's; their relationship is off and she's very unhappy but I'm glad i didn't miss it. Our relationship is nonexistent now but it would've deteriorated much sooner if I wouldn't have attended.

3.. Did anyone/has anyone expressed doubt or concern regarding your marriage? Did someone not attend? How did you deal with it?
Posted by Resa77

Two of my sisters didn't come. I just let it go. We don't have a relationship and they made it clear that they didn't approve of DH so I let it be.

agapecarrie · October 2012

I don't understand the definition of the word "support" as it is used here.

Wouldn't supporting someone mean being concerned for their long term good? How does supporting (which when taken to its logical level means encouraging) someone in a bad choice do that?

professorscience · October 2012

Carrie, I think it's been discussed before that one has to decide what would be worse -- attending a wedding or event that you find wrong or the damage to the relationship that would result from you missing the wedding.

Of course you can voice your concern for someone who is making a bad decision, and I suppose if it's "bad enough" you can choose to cut yourself off from that person, but in the end, I think you can only hope to be there for that person, whether the bad decision works out for them in the end or not.

agapecarrie · October 2012

I never suggested "not supporting" means cutting off a friendship. It's not one or the other. That's why I'm still confused.

I read "I want to support my friends even if I think they're making the wrong choices"

That to me is extremely dangerous taken to its logical level.

People can make very bad choices such as doing dangerous drugs. Supporting them would mean encouraging rehab, interventions, praying for them, etc. Not handing them a needle or giving them money to engage in the activity. Or, even just being present in the room as they shoot up.

professorscience · October 2012

I guess I misunderstood you, then. However, I think there are some circumstances where something as simple as not attending a wedding because you don't agree IS a relationship-ending move.

And to answer your analogy, it's certainly not easy to point out to an addict that he or she has a problem. Thousands of addicts spiral even more out of concern because of the relationships they destroy. So no, one shouldn't "hand them the needle" or even be around them when they're high, but I really feel like you're simplifying something that can't be. You have to continue to be present in that person's life if you can hope that they will someday turn to you for help, you know?

Again, if I'm misreading you then I'm sorry. I just don't think this is a cut-and-dried issue. I feel like I would struggle immensely with the decision to attend the wedding of someone I loved who is not following form, just like I die a little inside every time my alcoholic friend is tagged on Facebook face-deep in a Big O surrounded by people who enable him.

agapecarrie · October 2012

Again, I never said anything about cutting off a person.

I'm talking about basic definitions here, and it seems the word support is getting a much different definition than I understand it.

I'm reading a lot about "I don't like their decisions, but I support them". without much of a clarification of what that means.

I look at the enormous amount of divorces and think, maybe, if people would stop "supporting" their friend's bad decisions there would be less marriages to divorce to begin with.

Riss91 · October 2012

I think clarifying between "supporting" and "showing approval" would help resolve this issues. For instance, a person can support their friend, without showing approval for their actions or choices. In some cases, mere presence can equate to both "supporting" and "showing approval" for a friend's decision. In others, the presence signifies the "support" of the friend, but not necessarily "approval" of the action.

erin5286 · October 2012

Well put Riss - that's more or less what I wanted to say, but I just couldn't get my caffiene-deprived brain to word it as well as you did!

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