Please help with my first Reconciliation

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

So before my confirmation at Easter, we have to have our first Reconciliation. Ok, no problem. I was already mentally composing a list of things I wanted to confess and put behind me. I was actually kind of looking forward to it.

That is until I found out that instead of having a Reconciliation "box" with the priest on the other side and a wall with a small screen between us, we have to go into a small room WITH the priest and look at each other while I confess.

I seriously thought our class leader was joking when he said that. Once I realized he wasn't, a feeling of horror shot down my spine and I felt my chest constrict. I have been having feelings of panic every time I think about it, including shortness of breath and nausea. It's as close as I've ever come to actually having a panic attack.

I cannot fathom having to confess in front of the priest like that. It sounds utterly humiliating, shameful, embarrassing, and just a terrible over exposure of my inner soul. I know that I am sounding super dramatic right now, but seriously, it freaks me out. I don't know that I can go through with it. The leader assured me it was "no big deal", but really, how can that not be a big deal? Every time I see the priest I'll remember that he knows my confession and knows it's me, and even if he doesn't remember, I will.

The biggest issue is that I was really looking forward to the confession as a way to purge my soul of same past sins and indiscretions, and start fresh. If I have to do it so publicly, I know that I will sensor myself from shame, and that really defeats the whole purpose, doesn't it?

I am going to ask if I can do the reconciliation at another parish that provides anonymity, but what do I do if they don't allow that? Does anyone have any advice or experiences to share?

ootmother2 · April 2011

I have to sit in a chair in front of the priest when I confess because I've had several surgeris and for the past few years, have been unable to kneel.

I always go to the same church, usually the same priest. He's aware of my life, problems, joys and most of my religious life. Nothing is a big secret or a surprise.

Trust me, they have heard confession about things you can't even imagine.

It doesn't bother me, after all, he is acting as a channel to God, so just think that you are, in fact, confessing to God.

Or you could go to another church if it would bother you that much.

GL

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

In Response to Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation:
[QUOTE]I have to sit in a chair in front of the priest when I confess because I've had several surgeris and for the past few years, have been unable to kneel. I always go to the same church, usually the same priest. He's aware of my life, problems, joys and most of my religious life. Nothing is a big secret or a surprise. Trust me, they have heard confession about things you can't even imagine. It doesn't bother me, after all, he is acting as a channel to God, so just think that you are, in fact, confessing to God. Or you could go to another church if it would bother you that much. GL
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

Wait, so you mean that if you didn't have knee problems, you would have to KNEEL while confessing to the priest?!

Oh my gosh. I would die.

I don't know that they will allow me to go somewhere else. I will ask but I seriously don't know what to do if they say no. I guess do a brief confession of some mild things, and save the bigger stuff for when I can go somewhere with some privacy and anonymity. That isn't the way I wanted my first Reconciliation to be, but I guess I won't have much choice.

ootmother2 · April 2011

No, I didn't explain that right

Because of hip surgeies, I am unable to kneel, that should change.

I believe that what you will be doing is just sitting down in a private area with the priest. NOT kneeling.

The kneelers are in the confessional boxes

HandBanana · April 2011

Does your church have confessionals? The rooms on the side that probably have little light bulbs above the door.

You kneel in the confessional room if you go with the privacy of the screen.

lalaith50 · April 2011

most churches/confessionals that I go into have either the option to sit in a chair and face a priest or to kneel behind a screen. I may have read somewhere that it is the *right* of the penitent to have that option, but I'm not sure if that's actually officially written down.

While I do know for a fact that priests (or at least the ones I've talked to) really don't remember people's sins--they do hear so many-- I totally understand your desire to be anonymous. I almost never go to confession unless I know it can be behind the screen.

I'm pretty sure that a big part of confession involves NOT deliberately withholding any of your sins...so I don't think your plan to go somewhere else later will work so well. :-)

If it were me, and since it is such a big deal to you, (since it probably won't work to make a stink about it and request behind the screen as an option at your church, since duh they will know who you are,) then I would just go somewhere else that has that option. And tell the person in charge that's what you're going to do.

Confession isn't like Confirmation or First Communion where you like get a certificate and the church records you in the book... I'm not sure how they can force you to go to Confession at their church, or even prove whether you've been there or somewhere else? (or not.) The more that I think about this...the whole POINT of Confession is anonymity. Are they going to stop you if you just go to another church? Because they can't prevent you from being Confirmed at Easter, because you COULD just walk into the room with the priest and just have a chat and not even go to Confession... and no one would ever know since the priest can't break the seal of Confession (if it existed)! So therefore, how can they force you to go to Confession at their church instead of somewhere else, since there is no way they can prove that you either did or didn't actually receive the Sacrament of Confession in either church?

wow! that really got me thinking! I'm very curious to hear other peoples thoughts!

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-first-reconciliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2f2c1389-d28b-4b4a-8b18-9e3bb98cfe77Post:8583a8a2-8c8f-42ad-a782-3bf2bf756f70">Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation</a>:
[QUOTE]Does your church have confessionals? The rooms on the side that probably have little light bulbs above the door. You kneel in the confessional room if you go with the privacy of the screen.
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

It's a very small room with two chairs. No kneelers, there's no screen or wall in between or anything. It's basically a small closet where we sit 2 feet away from each other and have eye contact while I'm confessing. There are no "traditional" confessionals with a priest on one side with a wall in between him and the parishioner.

Just thinking about having to do that is making my palms sweat.

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-first-reconciliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2f2c1389-d28b-4b4a-8b18-9e3bb98cfe77Post:638d1a78-5d62-4ff7-948a-9ec9279da66d">Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation</a>:
[QUOTE]most churches/confessionals that I go into have either the option to sit in a chair and face a priest or to kneel behind a screen. I may have read somewhere that it is the *right* of the penitent to have that option, but I'm not sure if that's actually officially written down. While I do know for a fact that priests (or at least the ones I've talked to) really don't remember people's sins--they do hear so many-- I totally understand your desire to be anonymous. I almost never go to confession unless I know it can be behind the screen. I'm pretty sure that a big part of confession involves NOT deliberately withholding any of your sins...so I don't think your plan to go somewhere else later will work so well. :-) If it were me, and since it is such a big deal to you, (since it probably won't work to make a stink about it and request behind the screen as an option at your church, since duh they will know who you are,) then I would just go somewhere else that has that option. And tell the person in charge that's what you're going to do. Confession isn't like Confirmation or First Communion where you like get a certificate and the church records you in the book... I'm not sure how they can force you to go to Confession at their church, or even prove whether you've been there or somewhere else? (or not.) The more that I think about this...the whole POINT of Confession is anonymity. Are they going to stop you if you just go to another church? Because they can't prevent you from being Confirmed at Easter, because you COULD just walk into the room with the priest and just have a chat and not even go to Confession... and no one would ever know since the priest can't break the seal of Confession (if it existed)! So therefore, how can they force you to go to Confession at their church instead of somewhere else, since there is no way they can prove that you either did or didn't actually receive the Sacrament of Confession in either church? wow! that really got me thinking! I'm very curious to hear other peoples thoughts!
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

Thank you! That is exactly how I feel. Confession should be anonymous. I guess they are trying to encourage true penitence by having you confess directly in front of the priest, but I just find it unnecessarily humiliating and it makes it impossible for me to confess openly.

I understand that the priest won't remember, but all of my fears/reservations have nothing to do with how the priest will feel, it's all about how I will feel, LOL. I will be unable to be completely open, I will feel embarrassed, and when I'm done, I won't feel "cleansed" and renewed the way I should. I will just feel profound relief that it's over, and shame and regret that I couldn't be truly honest . It defeats the whole purpose.

I guess I will ask nicely if I can go somewhere else (NOT make a "big stink") but if they say no, I will definitely push to see where that is written out in the "rules" and stand up for myself if necessary.

HandBanana · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-first-reconciliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2f2c1389-d28b-4b4a-8b18-9e3bb98cfe77Post:4070200e-4c29-4364-ab6a-3733df3c070d">Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation : It's a very small room with two chairs. No kneelers, there's no screen or wall in between or anything. It's basically a small closet where we sit 2 feet away from each other and have eye contact while I'm confessing. There are no "traditional" confessionals with a priest on one side with a wall in between him and the parishioner. Just thinking about having to do that is making my palms sweat.
Posted by SoHappyToBeMrsC[/QUOTE]

It sounds like a more modern church. I think you would be fine going with a few common things like fighting with FI, being disrespectful to your parents, etc.

When I was in CCD we did ours face to face with the priest because they didn't want young kids in the confessionals so I guess I'm just use to it.

If you want to do the full on screen for privacy look for an older church because they will have them.

It is a really great feeling of relief when you are absolved.

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-first-reconciliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2f2c1389-d28b-4b4a-8b18-9e3bb98cfe77Post:da816edc-c91b-4a5d-92c5-06e9833ae68a">Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation : It sounds like a more modern church.<strong> I think you would be fine going with a few common things like fighting with FI, being disrespectful to your parents, etc</strong>. When I was in CCD we did ours face to face with the priest because they didn't want young kids in the confessionals so I guess I'm just use to it. If you want to do the full on screen for privacy look for an older church because they will have them. It is a really great feeling of relief when you are absolved.
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

But see, that defeats the whole purpose of my first Reconciliation.I really want to confess "everything" and be cleansed and forgiven, and enter the church with a clean conscience.

lalaith50 · April 2011

Here's an interesting snippet from this article that you might want to show to the priest/person in charge (from http://www.cuf.org/FileDownloads/confnorms.pdf )

"Regarding the option to confess behind a fixed screen or face-to-face, the Code of Canon Law states: The conference of bishops is to issue norms concerning the confessional, seeing to it that confessionals with a fixed grille between penitent and confessor are always located in an open area so that the faithful who wish to make use of them may do so freely (Canon 964 § 2). The Pontifical Council for the Interpretation of Legislative Texts provided more clarity to the norm in its 16 June 1998 decree. In this decree, the Holy See preserves the right of the priest to require confession behind a screen."

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-first-reconciliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2f2c1389-d28b-4b4a-8b18-9e3bb98cfe77Post:ec3629c2-33f5-451b-905d-5c8457f1e926">Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's an interesting snippet from this article that you might want to show to the priest/person in charge (from <a href="http://www.cuf.org/FileDownloads/confnorms.pdf" rel='nofollow'>http://www.cuf.org/FileDownloads/confnorms.pdf</a> ) "Regarding the option to confess behind a fixed screen or face-to-face, the Code of Canon Law states: The conference of bishops is to issue norms concerning the confessional, seeing to it that confessionals with a fixed grille between penitent and confessor are always located in an open area so that the faithful who wish to make use of them may do so freely (Canon 964 § 2). The Pontifical Council for the Interpretation of Legislative Texts provided more clarity to the norm in its 16 June 1998 decree. In this decree, the Holy See preserves the right of the priest to require confession behind a screen."
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

Thank you. The way I read it is that they must make a private confessional available, but that it's up to the priest to require confession behind the screen? Sounds contradictory to me.

Hope61 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-first-reconciliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2f2c1389-d28b-4b4a-8b18-9e3bb98cfe77Post:da816edc-c91b-4a5d-92c5-06e9833ae68a">Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation : It sounds like a more modern church. I think you would be fine going with a few common things like fighting with FI, being disrespectful to your parents, etc. [/QUOTE]
But your first confession, especially, should be a confession of ALL your sins (to reasonable amount of what you can remember, of course. At the very least, it **must** include any mortal sins)

Ditto lalaith. It would not be ideal, but if it comes down to it, go to another church and make your first confession there (it would be a good idea to clue the priest in that this is your first confession). Then the one with your RCIA class will just be your second confession!

lalaith50 · April 2011

ok, then here is the actual statement from the US bishops which clarifies your RIGHT to confess anonymously:

http://www.nccbuscc.org/norms/964-2.htm

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-first-reconciliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:2f2c1389-d28b-4b4a-8b18-9e3bb98cfe77Post:302fcfc9-4778-427c-bad3-653a017043d7">Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation : But your first confession, especially, should be a confession of ALL your sins (to reasonable amount of what you can remember, of course. At the very least, it **must** include any mortal sins) Ditto lalaith. It would not be ideal, but if it comes down to it, go to another church and make your first confession there (it would be a good idea to clue the priest in that this is your first confession). Then the one with your RCIA class will just be your second confession!
Posted by KatieAnne18[/QUOTE]

Thanks! And thanks Lalaith for the info, I will whip it out if necessary. :) Hopefully it won't be necessary, but you never know. I'll update you on it once I know more.

ootmother2 · April 2011

Looks like it's your call.

monkeysip · April 2011

SoHappy,

I had to make my first reconciliation this way. I met with the priest, we went to his office, and I just spilled my guts to him face to face. I had all sorts of terrible things to confess ... and it was so emotional that I ended up crying.

I was terrified before, really emotional during, and ECSTATIC afterwards. We don't have private confessionals at my current parish either, so usually I have to confess face to face since then. Sometimes I go to other parishes with anonymous confessionals.... and really... I think its only marginally more comfortable. Either way, you're having to say out loud terrible things.

Really, its just one of those things that is painful, but so worth it. I've been Catholic for 2 years now and I still get nervous every time I go to confession (which is usually 1-2X a month). But I've NEVER walked out of the confessional without feeling anything but joy and relief. Really, its so great. You just gotta trust us on this.

You just got to remember that priests have heard the absolute worst things ever. And confessing our sins in a painful, humbling way is really a great thing... it makes you never have to want to say that sin out loud again! But if it really does bother you, then you have every right to go somewhere else. You don't have to do it at your parish.

Whichever you choose, hope it goes well!

ootmother2 · April 2011

Although I can't use the screened confessional until my hip heals and I can kneel, with the screen, it's much easier to know that I am confessing my sins to God, not a person. Which you are actually but face to face dims that a bit.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

GulfCoaster · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_please-first-reconciliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:2f2c1389-d28b-4b4a-8b18-9e3bb98cfe77Post:13f89c7a-50df-433c-b222-f0a8f12bb39e">Re: Please help with my first Reconciliation</a>:
[QUOTE]Although I can't use the screened confessional until my hip heals and I can kneel, with the screen, it's much easier to know that I am confessing my sins to God, not a person. Which you are actually but face to face dims that a bit. Whatever you decide, good luck!
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you said this, OOT. This is how I feel, too, and why I prefer confession behind the screen. I know others feel differently and prefer face-to-face confession -- which is why most parishes provide both options nowadays.

As far as the suggestion from a PP that you only confess certain sins... This is your first confession. You need to clear your conscience of all sin. At a minimum, you need to confess every mortal sin that you recall. I also joined the church as an adult, and if you're like I was prior to my first reconciliation, there may be quite a few mortal sins to confess. (The joy of forgiveness is so sweet after confessing for the first time!) If you prefer to have your first confession behind a screen, then ask for that option.

Good luck.

bel138 · April 2011

In the Byzantine church, you make your confession standing in front of an icon of Christ, with the priest off to the side. This really exemplifies the confession to God with the priest being an intercessor. If they insist you do face to face at their parish, perhaps you can request to bring an icon or image of Christ to mimic this?

I cry during confession every. single. time. No fail. It IS really embarassing to admit the mistakes you've made, no matter the style of confession. It makes you face what you have done, and it's in human nature to not want to admit that even to ourselves, let alone another person. My priest calls it a "second baptism" jokingly.

Priests hear so many confessions, I'm sure they don't remember the majority of sins that particular people confess. And if they're even a half way decent priest, that is certainly not going to be the first thing about you that pops into their head when they see you.

mica178 · April 2011

I have nothing new to add to the PPs comments other than to reiterate what my H said when I was anxious about going to Confession after years away from doing it: "Most priests have heard far worse things than you could ever confess." I won't make assumptions as to your life, but I can say that my priest used to do ministry work at the state high security prison. If he could help to find the good in violent murderers, I think he can find the good in most people.

It is an amazing feeling stepping out of that room. It's as Bel described it -- like a second baptism. I now love going to reconciliation because I feel so purified after I share my sins and burdens.

waitingformay · April 2011

I always figure this isn't the worst confession they've ever heard so it doesn't bother e to go face to face. And they can't tell anyone!

bibliophile2010 · April 2011

I agree with others in that most priests say that within a month of doing confessions, they have heard everything and pretty much forget it all

I did my first confession face-to-face as an adult and was terrified. I totally get where you are coming from. I still go to confession face-to-face fairly often (parish construction means there is no space for confessionals right now) and still feel squeemish about confessing in front of priests I know well. I totally understand. I try to get to confession elsewhere if I can.

I would talk to your RCIA leader about your concerns. The priest who is hearing everyone's first confessions is going to be prepared for some long, emotional confessions and for helping you work through them. That can be very helpful.

I would NOT not confess all your sins before Easter. You want to receive confirmation and the eucharist with the cleanest heart possible. If you really do not feel comfortable making a full confession face-to-face, and cannot arrange annonymity, I would go somewhere else before that confession. You can then go into it with a clean heart, tell the priest that you have already made a confession and confess any new sins at that time.

Calypso1977 · April 2011

ours offers the option of a chair with face to face or the traditional screen with a kneeler.

ive never done face to face. i wouldnt be comfortable with it either, even though my priest usually knows its me (i assume anyway) becuase i go regularly enough that they know my voice and/or he sees me in line.

i think you should have the option. id ask.

mica178 · April 2011

I've only ever attended churches built pre-Vatican II, so they all have/had both options, the private kneelers or the face to face. I haven't knelt behind the screen since I was a girl because most of the parishes I've attended encourage the face to face. I have to say that I felt more judged from behind the screen, and more comfortable with the face to face (I know, it seems counterintuitive!), but honestly, that's my subjective experience.

lmeade62 · April 2011

I've never done Reconciliation any other way but face to face (oh, wait, once I did, but I wasn't in my home church(. Like a PP, I did my first one the week before Easter, and I met with the priest in his office and did it in there. And believe me, I had some pretty major sins. It was not easy (but then, it's not supposed to be)...but to me, that person isn't so much the priest as "in persona Christe" (not sure if that's spelled right). Our priest said he typically doesn't remember what people say in the confessional, and there have been times when someone has thanked him for telling them this or that and he didn't even remember!

At my first one, I wept, and when it was over, I felt SO clean and renewed. There just aren't words to describe it. And one reason I like going face to face is because often the priest will actually lay his hands on my head when giving me absolution, and it's like I can just feel the warmth of forgiveness pouring into me. That doesn't happen every time, but enough that I keep going face to face.

I've been blessed, though, with truly wonderful priests to confess to.

Whatever you do, however you do it, don't hold anything back. It will be an ultimately marvelous and awesome (literally) experience for you!!!

Linda

SoHappyToBeMrsC · April 2011

Thanks everyone for all the support.

I talked to the RCIA leader today, and explained to him frankly but firmly that under no circumstance was I going to do the face to face confession. I explained my feelings, and if they can't/won't accommodate my wishes for anonymity, then I will visit another parish for my first "real" reconciliation. I probably went in a little more defensive than I needed to be, but I was really scared they were going to try to "make me" do the face to face.

He told me not to do that, that he will make sure that I get anonymous confession, but said that he couldn't promise me a particular priest. I told him it had never occurred to me to "prefer" a particular priest over another, and since it's anonymous, I didn't care who hears it, LOL. So that's that, and hopefully it won't be a big deal on the day of.

Thanks again.

meep2 · April 2011

I hope it works out for you! I just saw your post, and it reminded me of my first Reconcilliation. We were all teenagers, and they lined us up, basically, and then one by one we'd go forward to the area to the priest was and confess. There were something like three priests there, but not only was it face-to-face, but EVERYONE could see you (although you just had to make sure you spoke quietly so they couldn't hear)!

My family and community wasn't really good about teaching when you were supposed to confess, or even going or making it available, so the next time I went was in college. It was one of the most wonderful experiences, and by chance I was behind a screen. Since then I've been to confessions that have been face-to-face and behind screens, and I've had good experiences in each. One of the best experiences I had once was face-to-face, because the priest made it feel like we were having a heart-to-heart.

lmeade62 · April 2011

SoHappy - let us know how it went. I truly think you will find an amazing experience.

Linda

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