What you do in bed

bsidebella · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:34b96c73-de9d-4d39-84cc-543be9f7e387">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : This is NOT healthy. I just... WOW.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

I know it's not, and we're working on it :/ I've never been in a sexual relationship before so there will always be things to work on.

TheMutleys · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:c0adc7db-cb21-4b4a-b025-1517eb9186c0">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : I know it's not, and we're working on it :/ I've never been in a sexual relationship before so there will always be things to work on.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

For me, it isn't about the sexual part. That is downright disrespectful and f*cked up. Not being in a sexual relationship before doesn't have anything to do with it. Disrespect is disrespect, whether it occurs in the bedroom or the kitchen.

bsidebella · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:8abe96bc-ed0e-4927-9c4c-dd143a320761">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : For me, it isn't about the sexual part. That is downright disrespectful and f*cked up. Not being in a sexual relationship before doesn't have anything to do with it. Disrespect is disrespect, whether it occurs in the bedroom or the kitchen.
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

Do you think therapy would help this issue? We have talked at great lengths about going to couples counseling. Is that an appropriate forum to bring this up?

TheMutleys · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:58fd5b0c-bc64-4c8f-922a-8bb7d6333364">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : Do you think therapy would help this issue? We have talked at great lengths about going to couples counseling. Is that an appropriate forum to bring this up?
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

I think that couples counseling would be a very appropriate place to bring it up.

When you say that you have talked at great lengths about it, what does that mean to you?
Does he know that you actually HATE giving BJs? Have you used the proper words to describe how giving a blowjob makes you feel? Joking about putting the 'job' into blow job is one thing. It is another to outright say that you do not remotely enjoy doing it and that you hate the actual act and how it makes you feel.

I would also talk to him about how sex isn't about how long the guy lasts. (I wonder if he is insecure due to a previous relationship and being belitted about how long he lasted or something.) It is about mutual gratification and intimacy, at least for us. I would explore what you want sex to be in your relationship. It shouldn't be something that is held over one person's head or the other's. I don't believe in withholding sex to get what you want (in this case, you are withholding because you don't want to give BJs.) I don't think that withholding actually solves anything. It just makes both people resentful and further complicates things.

Personally, I would not even be thinking about getting married until this issue was resolved. For me, it would be a big effing deal and one where I would walk away from a guy who could not respect my wishes, wants and level of comfort in the bedroom. (That is ME though. I am not saying to walk away.)

SKP82 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:4b13a10e-61f7-4d87-b6f4-3fda434fc60a">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : I think that couples counseling would be a very appropriate place to bring it up. When you say that you have talked at great lengths about it, what does that mean to you? Does he know that you actually HATE giving BJs? Have you used the proper words to describe how giving a blowjob makes you feel? Joking about putting the 'job' into blow job is one thing. It is another to outright say that you do not remotely enjoy doing it and that you hate the actual act and how it makes you feel. I would also talk to him about how sex isn't about how long the guy lasts. (I wonder if he is insecure due to a previous relationship and being belitted about how long he lasted or something.) It is about mutual gratification and intimacy, at least for us. I would explore what you want sex to be in your relationship. It shouldn't be something that is held over one person's head or the other's. I don't believe in withholding sex to get what you want (in this case, you are withholding because you don't want to give BJs.) I don't think that withholding actually solves anything. <strong> It just makes both people resentful and further complicates things.</strong> Personally, I would not even be thinking about getting married until this issue was resolved. For me, it would be a big effing deal and one where I would walk away from a guy who could not respect my wishes, wants and level of comfort in the bedroom. (That is ME though. I am not saying to walk away.)
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

This.

I agree that couples therapy would be a great place to talk about this issue.

HULU · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:4905a8b6-fbf6-4f80-a5fd-274350fbaef5">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, its super creepy. I suppose I'm the only one then, I'll do things I'm not in the mood for, but apparently I'm in the minority.
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm the same way, Katy, so don't feel like it's a bad thing. With our schedules being the way they are (when we're together anyway, you have to remember we're LDR), when we're together, he's in the mood more often than I am. If I'm just in a regular mood, and he's a little more, shall we say, "frisky", I'll usually comply, even if it's not for full-on sexytime every time, I'll at least show him I'm willing to give him attention.</div><div>
</div><div>The only time I've ever really just said flat out "no" is when there's a reason I'm not in the mood: headache, bad day, incredibly exhausted, something like that.</div><div>
</div><div>My mom once heard a talk-show conversation with some sort of "Relationship Doctor" (read: sex dr) that said a woman should "please her man" regardless of how she feels. It's her "duty", as it's the man's duty to protect her.</div><div>
</div><div>I about vomited.</div>

loves2shop4shoes · January 2012

Mutley FTW today.

FI and I have sex 3 or so times a week. Sometimes it's more. Sometimes it's less. If one of us isn't in the mood we say so, and the other person respects it. If one of us is having a problem with our sex life, we discuss it in a calm and rational manner OUTSIDE of the bedroom and there is no guilt involved.

I think a healthy relationship involves some compromise, but never at the expense of compromising someone's morals or comfort level.

bsidebella · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:4b13a10e-61f7-4d87-b6f4-3fda434fc60a">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : I think that couples counseling would be a very appropriate place to bring it up. When you say that you have talked at great lengths about it, what does that mean to you? Does he know that you actually HATE giving BJs? Have you used the proper words to describe how giving a blowjob makes you feel? Joking about putting the 'job' into blow job is one thing. It is another to outright say that you do not remotely enjoy doing it and that you hate the actual act and how it makes you feel. I would also talk to him about how sex isn't about how long the guy lasts. (I wonder if he is insecure due to a previous relationship and being belitted about how long he lasted or something.) It is about mutual gratification and intimacy, at least for us. I would explore what you want sex to be in your relationship. It shouldn't be something that is held over one person's head or the other's. I don't believe in withholding sex to get what you want (in this case, you are withholding because you don't want to give BJs.) I don't think that withholding actually solves anything. It just makes both people resentful and further complicates things. Personally, I would not even be thinking about getting married until this issue was resolved. For me, it would be a big effing deal and one where I would walk away from a guy who could not respect my wishes, wants and level of comfort in the bedroom. (That is ME though. I am not saying to walk away.)
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

I have expressed my feelings, but I don't think I used the right words. It's not a very comfortable subject for me for no reason other than I am inexperienced. I'm kmowledgeable, but inexperienced. I don't know what's normal or acceptable. I think it may be my fault as much as it is his. I don't know if couples counseling is a free service or low cost though, so I have to look into it.

SKP82 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:0d691ada-f3c3-4922-b4bd-483cd9d01a7b">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : I have expressed my feelings, but I don't think I used the right words. It's not a very comfortable subject for me for no reason other than I am inexperienced. I'm kmowledgeable, but inexperienced. <strong>I don't know what's normal or acceptable</strong>. I think it may be my fault as much as it is his. I don't know if couples counseling is a free service or low cost though, so I have to look into it.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

This doesn't matter. If it doesn't feel right to you, then that's it. It doesn't need to be considered "normal or acceptable".

It isn't about what others do or what others feel comfortable doing. It is completely a personal experience and preference. For example, Liv doesn't like oral. Tarra doesn't like it from behind. I don't like too much manual clitoral stimulation. All those 3 things would be considered "normal" sexually speaking, but it's about personal preference.

If you HATE giving BJs, I think it's disrespectful for your SO to request one every time you have sex. Honestly, I like oral, but if my FI didn't enjoy going down on me, I wouldn't WANT him to do that.

Have you told him that you'd rather just have sex, even if he doesn't last as long as he would if you blew him 1st? I, personally, do not enjoy sex when it lasts too long. And, as PPs have said, if he wants to get off before doing the deed with you, maybe you should give him some KY, a box of tissues, and a magazine or 2.

hetshup · January 2012

Bside-

If you don't like/ it's painful, that has NOTHING to do with your experience. If you try something several times and you don't like it... well, that's all the experience you need. I don't keep trying curry, because I KNOW I don't like it!

I can only speak from my own perspective, but you need to get this in check now. It won't get better, and if you need stronger language, use it now. I get the lasting longer thing, but I think that's mostly for the men. If he needs to last longer the onus is on him to get there, not you.

Oh. Hey, everybody.

TheMutleys · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:0d691ada-f3c3-4922-b4bd-483cd9d01a7b">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : I have expressed my feelings, but I don't think I used the right words. It's not a very comfortable subject for me for no reason other than I am inexperienced. I'm kmowledgeable, but inexperienced. I don't know what's normal or acceptable. I think it may be my fault as much as it is his. I don't know if couples counseling is a free service or low cost though, so I have to look into it.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I don't believe in there being a standard normal or acceptable in the bedroom. What is right for one couple may not be for another.

Do you have a sexual relationship with yourself? Do you know what gets YOU off? Does he do stuff in the bedroom that is just for YOU or is it one-sided?

I think the 1st place for you to start is to think about what sex truly does mean to YOU. What do you like about sex? What do you not like about sex? What role do you want sex to play in your relationship? I think that it would be easier for you to communicate how you feel when you have a better grasp of what you want to accomplish. Is it just the act of giving a BJ or is it the demand for a BJ? (These are two very different reasons to dislike doing it.) Personally, I do not particularly like giving DH BJs. I don't mind it or dislike it in any way but it is not my first choice for sexual pleasure. However, I do like the pleasure it brings him. I like how excited he gets from the anticipation. IF at any point, it was him demanding a BJ, I would hate it. Then again, I would come to dislike ANYTHING he demanded that I do.

I also think that it would be helpful if you looked at the act as any other act. If this situation was about something in the kitchen, how would you respond? How would you communicate your dislike?

PaigeMcC · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:9c6559ea-8094-4ece-ae14-f736c39d94a9">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE] Oh. Hey, everybody.
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

<div>Hiiiiii

Also:
BJs are supposed to be fun. Sex is supposed to be fun. If you or your partner are not enjoying what is happening then the sexytime is not what it's supposed to be. And that's a problem.

I think each couple really needs to figure out what they want and that doesn't just come from a scheudle or doing it because s/he wants you to...that comes from honest, open communication with each other.</div>

Wrkn925 · January 2012

What do I do in bed?

I wait for FI to snore so I can turn the TV off.

SKP82 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:c3c33fca-49c6-4314-bcd4-603f7358d3e6">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]What do I do in bed? I wait for FI to snore so I can turn the TV off.
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]

Yeah right. We all know what a hoar you are.

Wrkn925 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:81119b80-1e71-4fff-af8d-f53639eacce9Post:d32f22ce-c140-409e-973e-973334185dfc">Re: What you do in bed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What you do in bed : Yeah right. We all know what a hoar you are.
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

<div>Nah. I got the ring now. I dont have to put out anymore.</div>

What you do in bed

Re: What you do in bed

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