Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?

drkswifey2b · September 2010

One of my BM asked if her husband was sitting at the head table with her and the rest of us. I honestly had no idea how to answer her. My first response was "no" but is that acceptable? Can I have a special table for wedding party SO's?

I have 4 BM, and FI has 4 GM and then us. Would it look odd to have all of us as well as each of them have a date?

M

bellebride116 · September 2010

Just putting it out there.... if a lot of your bridal party has SO, etc, would you consider doing a sweetheart table and let everyone sit with their dates? Not that people are usually in their seats super long, but for the time that they are it might make them feel more comfortable.

goetzr19 · September 2010

I agree with your first answer. No wedding I have every been to has had a sweetheart table, and I think if I went to one, it would look odd and out of place. We are just having our WP at our head table. If I were in a WP and sat with my SO at the head table, I would feel odd. I have heard people say before that "it's a day about love, so people and their SO's shouldn't be seperated". IMHO, if the SO's can't handle sitting at a table with other people for an hour and hold a decent conversation, then there's serious issues with them! I know people are going to disagree, and that's ok. But, you should go with what you feel is best for you, not always what people tell you on here.

Jo1803 · September 2010

I would say no dates. Its not that long of a time period to be away from each other. Plus those are the ones you chose to represent you on that special day, I think SO should be able to repect that for an hour or so..... maybe seat them so they can make eye contact with each other???

slwbride · September 2010

I've only been to one wedding with a head table and the WP's SOs where not seated with them. I guess I just don't understand why you would want to separate your WP from their SOs and it just doesn't seem very practicle to me. With 10+ people seated at one long table it's not like you can interact with everyone at the table. You can really only carry on an actual conversation with the people sitting on either side of you and at that point I just don't get why you would even care if the people all the way at the ends are even sitting at your table or not other than to put them on display.

IMO it's not about whether or not they can survive a night apart from their date. They've stood up for you through the most important part of you wedding day, the ceremony, posed for pictures, paid for the dress/tux and most likely hosted a shower or bparty I would let them enjoy the reception with their SOs.

gottahavashorti · September 2010

Dates. Or have a sweetheart table, or just sit with your MOH+significant other and Best Man + significant other.

goetzr19 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:5af99a30-d8b4-441f-863b-15c4881a63a6">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say no dates. Its not that long of a time period to be away from each other. Plus those are the ones you chose to represent you on that special day, I think SO should be able to repect that for an hour or so..... maybe seat them so they can make eye contact with each other???
Posted by Jo1803[/QUOTE]

I see we are in the minority already :)

mbcdefg · September 2010

I don't get the point of splitting up couples, just because "it looks better." Who goes to a wedding to stare at the people at the head table all night?

We included the dates at the table and it was fine. We have, maybe, one photo of the head table, and it looks fine.

I don't get why it "wouldn't look right" if the dates are up there. What's wrong with the dates that it'd look bad? Because they're not in the exact same outfits? I don't see why that's a big deal. It's not like they're naked or something.

happy_sarah · September 2010

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding with a head table for the wedding party. One of the groomsmens wives asked to sit with us because she didn't know anyone and was very shy. No one cared or noticed her sitting with us.

I don't even know what I'm going to do at my wedding yet.

iarguello · September 2010

Please ladies, stop controlling every single aspect of the wedding- let things go naturally. I am a very outgoing personality and would still feel slighted and awkward if I was made to sit away from my FI for the evening.

Would you make your friends sit without their SO at any other occasion to which they are both invited? For a dinner party, would you split them up? It's not quite fair to say that if the couple can't be apart for an hour or so, that they have something wrong with them- splitting people up for the sake of pictures and exclusivity is not right.

Either include them, or do as pp said- a sweetheart table. Many weddings have this, and I will be doing it as well.

banana468 · September 2010

I think one of the rudest things a couple can do is to split up SOs.

There are so many ways you can have a seating arrangement. Your WP MUST be seated with their SOs.

cmmosley81 · September 2010

As much as I can tell it isnt what everyone thinks. I am not seating my WPs SO with us. I cant make a wedding that is only 60 people invited I think having a table with 21 people sitting at it would seem very last supperish. I am having just the WP. I have talked it over with my WP and they are all ok with it. And agree that all of us at a table is crazy. IMHO I think if you think someone might feel odd then ask them.

gottahavashorti · September 2010

[QUOTE]MHO, if the SO's can't handle sitting at a table with other people for an hour and hold a decent conversation, then there's serious issues with them!
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]
The thing is, it's not just an hour. It's getting ready, pre-wedding pictures, the ceremony, post-wedding pictures and dinner. That can essentially mean half the day or a large chunk of the event time. Of those things, dinner is the one where it's so easy to let your WP sit with their SOs is the dinner. Not to mention that some people are shy around strangers.

Whether they're at the head table, the MOH and BM + SOs are the only ones at the head table, there's a sweetheart table flanked by wedding party tables or the wedding party is seated throughout the guests, it's much kinder to the SOs to end their separation at dinnertime.

cqbride · September 2010

It is completely unacceptable to split up couples, especially married/engaged couples. We allowed SOs to sit at our head table, and the world did not, in fact, end.

goetzr19 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:a43cc082-8a9c-46b2-bae9-87a70cc4d558">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]It is completely unacceptable to split up couples, especially married/engaged couples. We allowed SOs to sit at our head table, and the world did not, in fact, end.
Posted by cqbride[/QUOTE]

That would mean a head table of 22 people for us, and that's just not feasible to me. And the whole sweetheart table idea is something I would never do. I went to my FSIL's wedding and my FI was sitting at the table. I put my big girl panties on, sat with the rest of the crowd, and had a wonderful time. It didn't bother me one bit that he wasn't there with me or I with him. I got to know more people by sitting in the crowd.

ehathewa · September 2010

I have never seen SOs at a head table... I thought the sweetheart table was the way to fix this.

LoveBugBaby · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:a43cc082-8a9c-46b2-bae9-87a70cc4d558">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]It is completely unacceptable to split up couples, especially married/engaged couples. We allowed SOs to sit at our head table, and the world did not, in fact, end.
Posted by cqbride[/QUOTE]

I have been in 6 weddings and have NEVER sat at the head table with my SO in any of them (and all of them had headtables)... and the world did not, in fact, end!

I will be part of the minority apparently too and say that our WP will be sitting at the head table with us and their SO's will all be seated with each other or people they know. *GASP* how could we ever do that to them!?

We have a large wedding party, 8 on each side, and it would be impossible to seat everyone together. FI and I do not like sweethearts tables either so that was not an option. It's ONE night in their life that for no more then an hour they have to sit away from their SO. I just don't see the big deal in it!! The SO's will know the people they're sitting with so I know they can manage some small talk and hold conversations like normal people do in social gatherings. So, I vote do it however works best for YOUR wedding.

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SuMmErKuTiE · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:717df146-e7e6-42d9-8970-9d9d1c65c655">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing is, it's not just an hour. It's getting ready, pre-wedding pictures, the ceremony, post-wedding pictures and dinner. That can essentially mean half the day or a large chunk of the event time. Of those things, dinner is the one where it's so easy to let your WP sit with their SOs is the dinner. Not to mention that some people are shy around strangers. Whether they're at the head table, the MOH and BM + SOs are the only ones at the head table, there's a sweetheart table flanked by wedding party tables or the wedding party is seated throughout the guests, it's much kinder to the SOs to end their separation at dinnertime.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

Ditto this exactly! It's definitely not just for dinner time.. it's the hours before the wedding getting ready, the ceremony, picture time, and then dinner. By the time the WP members get to dance with their date the reception is half over. Not my opinion of a "date".

Biggest solution to those saying "Well my head table would be like 20 people" then DON'T have a head table at all. Have a sweetheart table, or a head table with just the MOH and her date and the BM and his date. Or a captains table, sit with your parents and MOH and BM. Sit at a round table, etc.. the options are endless. Head tables are very outdated in my opinion, and I honestly haven't seen one since my aunt's wedding in 1989.

We had a sweetheart table at our wedding, and our WP sat throughout the room with their dates, friends, and families. They all thanked us for it and were glad that after a long day they weren't sitting on display only being able to talk to the person on either side of them and could be with their husbands/wives/SO's/friends.

SuMmErKuTiE · September 2010

Let me also add that having a sweetheart table was so nice, because it was the only couple minutes of the whole day where DH and I were semi-alone and could have a private conversation and reflect on all the amazing things that just happened. We also weren't on "display" since our parent's tables were right in front of ours. Lots of pictures of how it looked in my married bio under "Pro Pics-Reception". You can also see pics of our happy WP members at their tables with their SO's and friends.

aerinpegadrak · September 2010

When I found out that my sister was doing an old-fashioned head table at her wedding, I cried. It had been a long, stressful weekend for both me and then-FI where I barely saw him at all, and I would have given anything to have been able to relax with him over dinner. Instead, I had to make small talk with the other bridesmaids, whom I barely knew, and he had to get grilled by my dad, whom he had met a day and a half earlier, about religion. Her wedding was nearly two years ago, and the thing I remember most distinctly is how much I hated, hated, HATED her head table.

Seating your most honored guests without their dates should never, ever be an option. It's horribly rude.

kerstinehry · September 2010

As a wedding planner, I would have to recommend having your BM's sit with their SO's. It is an event about love and friendship and separating SO's would be contradicting this.

Think about how you would feel if you were to attend a wedding and your husband was a GM and therefore was not to sit with you for the entire evening. Imaging further, he would sit next to a stunning bridesmaid while you sat at a table without anyone you know.

Obviously this is your choice and if your BM's are true friends they will accept your decision but it's just not good etiquette.

banana468 · September 2010

It is just so unbelievably rude to split up your WP from their SOs at an event that celebrates love and togethernes.

Here is a C&P of something I wrote in another thread on the same topic:
In Response to Re: Wedding Party Seating:

I have also never seen the WP seated with their dates. I have been in 2 weddings and have never sat with my FI thru dinner. I have also been a guest at my fair share of weddings and have not witnessed this. I think its fine, as grown adults I think they can manage to be away from their SO for an hour during dinner!
Posted by mgietler76

Ugh. I loathe that logic.

Of course as a grown adult your BP can manage to be away from their SOs. As a grown adult I'm split from my husband for most of my waking hours.

However:
1) Why on earth should your WP who are quite often your closest guests be treated in such a way that they're actually treated WORST on a day that's about love and togetherness - particularly at the event that's FOR your guests?

2) If as a grown adult a WP member can be split from his/her SO, then why aren't you volunteering as bride to be split from your husband at dinner? Presumably you two have the rest of your lives to sit together. Why not sit with your families or friends? You're adults and can manage - right?

3) Why should any portion of your wedding reception be something that you justify with, "they'll manage". It smacks of knowing that you're doing something rude and that you just don't care.

4) Your WP may be OK with this but what about their SOs? I've been on the receiving end of being the SO not seated with the GM in the wedding party - and it was not fun.

5) As stated above, the reception is FOR the guests. The duty of your WP begins and ends with the ceremony.

6) Stop saying that "it's just for dinner". Most weddings that I've attended have the WP split from their SOs for the ceremony - which is totally understandable. Then the SOs are split for the entire duration of the cocktail hour while the WP takes photos. THEN, if you split them from the WP during the meal, you're talking well over an hour. I have yet to attend a reception where the time from when the bride and groom entered the room and the toasts began until the dance floor was open was just an hour. So in the meantime, guests are still seated at their tables in their chairs eating amongst themselves.

And for those who say, "that's how it's done" can you come up with a reason that it makes sense TO split your WP from their SOs?   I've been waiting to hear that reason since I joined TK.

Do you need more reasons?   :-)

And I'm still waiting for someone to tell me WHY it's not rude to do so and why it's somehow acceptable to do rude things at the reception which is FOR the guests.    And "But that's how we want it" just won't work.

SuMmErKuTiE · September 2010

Banana just hit another one out of the ballpark! Very well put!

mgietler76 · September 2010

Bannana - I certainly didn't mean to come off the way you imply, I was simply stating in my experience this is the norm to split the SO's in this manner. It is quite ridiculous to suggest the bride and groom be seperated on the same basis as this is not at all what is being discussed. I still believe there is nothing wrong with the traditional WP at the head table seperated from their respective SO's but again this is my experience and in my circle of friends and family what I have witnessed. If people want to do it differently I don't look down upon them. Also in my specific experience's my FI hung around with me during the pictures while I was a BM in my other weddings so that's why I say being seperated for 1hr during dinner is not much because I personally spent the majority of the day with my FI.

banana468 · September 2010

Mgietler76, I understand that the bride and groom rarely mean it the way that I presented my statements. The issue though is that this is the way their actions are interpreted by others.

[QUOTE]It is quite ridiculous to suggest the bride and groom be seperated on the same basis as this is not at all what is being discussed.[/QUOTE]

It's no more ridiculous to suggest that the bride and groom sit in separate places than it is to split up their nearest and dearest from their SOs. Remember, the reception is for the guests - not the bride and groom.

[QUOTE]/ I still believe there is nothing wrong with the traditional WP at the head table seperated from their respective SO's but again this is my experience and in my circle of friends and family what I have witnessed.[/QUOTE]

I understand that this is what you have witnessed in the past. But WHY continue to do something just because that was what was past practice? That's the sort of rationale I deal with at work when we implement policy change. People say, "Well we always did it this way," even if "this way" was never the appropriate way in the first place. Look at it from the bigger picture. Is there an actual reason that it makes sense to do this aside from tradition or it being what you and your FI want?

And remember, since the reception is for your guests, what you and your FI want technically should not come first.

mgietler76 · September 2010

It's not just that it's tradition, I just always liked the idea don't really have a reason I suppose. And besides all my WP and their SO's are family members so they (the SO's) wouldn't feel uncomfortable sitting away from each other. It just depends on everyone's specific situations, I guess we just have to agree to disagree, I think the idea and you don't, you have valid points I'll definately give you that.

banana468 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_head-table-dates-dates-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:fc8387ba-b444-438d-b069-333367355a82Post:95d1ca1f-89f0-4afb-a1e2-a45097225c0a">Re: Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not just that it's tradition, I just always liked the idea don't really have a reason I suppose. And besides all my WP and their SO's are family members so they (the SO's) wouldn't feel uncomfortable sitting away from each other. It just depends on everyone's specific situations, I guess we just have to agree to disagree, I think the idea and you don't, you have valid points I'll definately give you that.
Posted by mgietler76[/QUOTE]

Thanks.

Are you sure that the WP members aren't uncomfortable though?

When I've been the partner of someone in the WP and I was stuck at a different table I was never consulted. And even if I was consulted I would not make a stink and I'd say, "I'll work with whatever you two choose," depending on the people. But I still never liked it. Just some food for thought.

mica178 · September 2010

Please keep SOs together. If that means a really long head table or sweetheart table + several tables for WP + SOs, do it. If we consider the reception the "thank you" for those who attended the wedding ceremony, then I think part of the "thank you" is making sure that SOs get to enjoy the meal together.

I'm not a fan of the traditional Head Table anyway. Who wants everyone to watch them eat chicken? I'd prefer seating everyone at normal tables or doing the king's table where people sit on both sides of the long table.

1fwdarlin · September 2010

Tough topic. I hadn't thought about it yet. The last time I was at a wedding I had to sit away from my fiance while he sat at the head table. It bothered me a little because we got there fast and I wasn't sitting with anyone at first (assigned seating can help a lot if you don't place WP with SOs so at least people will be with others they know). However, from where he was he could wink at me even from across the room and it was only for dinner. None of the WP stayed at the head table (dancing time). I say do whatever works for you. I think either way your guests will understand- I did.

trix1223 · September 2010

Dates. And head tables don't mean that you interact with your WP. You interact with the people sitting directly to your left and right. You actually CAN'T possibly intereact with the people farther away than that. So why bother making them all sit in a straight line like they're at a comedy central roast?

I've actually seen just one wedding in the last decade that had a head table. My nephew's, and to be honest, the whole wedding was such a train wreck that the head table was the least egregious thing about it.

I actually just find head tables to be very, very dated and old-fashioned looking.

goetzr19 · September 2010

Banana---I'm guessing you're the kind of girl who got rid of the garter toss, the bouquet toss, and just about everything else fun at your wedding? Just seems like it to me.

Head Table - Dates or no dates for the wedding party?

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